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AIBU?

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Original poster

To complain about cliquey school mums?

103 replies

wandymum · 22/05/2013 16:32

The other mums at DS' school are super cliquey and it appears I'm not one of the cool kids. Usually try and ignore it but a couple of things they've done recently have resulted in DS and a few others being left out at school.

They arranged after school tennis lessons for their little darlings without telling us. Not a school activity but the teacher helps the kids who go change into PE kit before pick up and then they all go off together leaving a few kids out.

Queen Bee of the clique is also class PTA rep so it's pretty much impossible to get involved in PTA things if you aren't in her group. Case in point today was that they asked for people to help with school play but she only invited her chums to the meeting about it.

Good or bad idea to complain to school? Obviously means I'll drop more points in the popularity stakes but might stop DS feeling left out.

OP posts:
Cuddlydragon · 22/05/2013 23:17

I think worra is being a bit obtuse here and more than a little harsh OP. I wouldn't want my child seeing others getting changed in school for an activity he was being excluded from by another parent, and it's a little early in his school career to expect your DS to man up about it too, he's only little. Cliques suck, either in real life or on MN. I'd be speaking to school about the tennis. If they wish to get changed on school premises, they can wait til the others leave.

Blueandwhitelover · 23/05/2013 07:49

Wow, there is an article in the Daily Mail today by an author promoting her book about cliquey mums which even mentions tennis lessons!
:-)

Samnella · 23/05/2013 08:05

I wouldn't worry about the tennis lessons. They are separate from school and you can't have a tennis lesson for 30 kids. Although I am Hmm at the teacher using her time to dress them but that's her look out I guess.

Re: PTA stuff. Just ask the woman directly if she has your details as you don't recall being invited to the last meeting. If it continues then maybe involve the school but I would consider that a last option as I think they have enough on their hands.

TBH I would ignore it. You will occasionally get these playground antics from parents and its best not to get involved. I had a bad experience from a parent at a school and since then keep my distance. The school is for your children to make friends and if you do as well then that's a bonus but its not the point.

The PTA can come across as cliquey but I don't think its always the case. They often just in the same situation and the types that are willing to help so they get to know each other etc.

My DS has definitely been left out as a result of me working. Very few party invites and after school invites but I have found inviting people over (I can only do one night a week as I work FT) has helped. So maybe take the initiative if you think your DS is missing out? I don't think my DS is deliberately left out. I don't know the parents as well as I did the ones when DD was in reception so I guess its easier to just ask the person they know. DD is older and picks her own friends now so the parental friend filter only works for so long Wink

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 23/05/2013 08:06

Blue is there??

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 23/05/2013 08:09

Blu you're right! It even says about her organising tennis lessons but there not being enough room for all the DC!

Hmm

Is this OPs first post?

Original poster
wandymum · 23/05/2013 09:20

I will look at the Daily Mail article as sounds interesting but promise you it is definitely not me. Barely have the time to post on here let alone write a book.

Thanks for the replies though. I will tell the teacher direct that I'm keen to help out where needed.

DS does have lots of kids over to play - including the children of some of the PTA mums. They just seem to enjoy ruling the roost at school and controlling access to events etc...

OP posts:
LaQueen · 23/05/2013 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 23/05/2013 09:33

The tennis lessons wouldn't bother me at all. If my DS came out in tears asking why he wasn't going (and if he really wanted to go I would enquire about it) and it he couldn't get into the group I would just explain to him that it was full and there was no space....at 4 or 5 he would def have taken that at face value, maybe been upset for 2 mins and then moved on. Sometimes I think us parents make a bigger deal of things than our kids do to be fair.

PTA wise then yes have a word the school shouldn't be putting all their eggs in one womans basket :)

GreenShadow · 23/05/2013 20:52

That book being promoted in the Mail was a MN Giveaway last week.
The Hive
Thought it sounded quite interesting, even though I've never come across any of the politics or cliques that seem to feature so much on MN or in the book in RL.

Lazyjaney · 24/05/2013 07:24

"Thought it sounded quite interesting, even though I've never come across any of the politics or cliques that seem to feature so much on MN or in the book in RL"

3 kids, 5 schools here over the years - cliques are much worse in early primary school years, and it seemed not to be the school as such, but the year group mothers that cause it.

potofpaint · 24/05/2013 07:31

what hope is there for the children when the mum is acting so jealous and petty !

LaQueen · 24/05/2013 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/05/2013 10:06

I am the same as you LaQueen. I am aware that their are friendship groups but why wouldn't there be? I don't want to be part of ALL of them. I have some friends at school....but I wouldn't complain particularly about so called cliques and any so called "Queen Bee" who insulted me would get short shrift.

Mintyy · 24/05/2013 10:07

Your class pta rep sounds absolutely rubbish! At our school the modus operandi of the pta is to encourage people to get involved. The novelty of endless organising and fund raising for those of us with children higher up the school certainly begins to wear thin after a few years. If new people don't get involved with the pta then it will die a death when the current cohort leave the school.

But, actually, I think you can be better involved with your child's education by 1. volunteering to go on the school trips and 2. volunteering to help with reading.

All you will learn at pta events is how to make giant pots of tea and run a jumble sale!

FreyaSnow · 24/05/2013 10:30

I can understand that many parents want their children to feel that the parent has an involvement with the school. I would contact the school and say you have tried to help out through your class rep but she hasn't been able to find something for you to do, and that you would like to help so could school keep you in mind for help with reading/on school trips/plays etc.

I can't see why you would want to involve yourself with women who don't seem to like you, so the tennis thing seems best avoided. There are loads of other activities your DS could be doing.

GreenShadow · 24/05/2013 10:44

Glad I'm not the only one who has been to nice friendly schools LaQueen and Neo (between the 3 DC, we have had the pleasure to experience 5 primary and 3 secondary schools).

I've never been at the heart of any friendship groups at any of the schools, but have been involved in a couple of PTAs and just throw myself into it, despite it not being particularly a social thing for me. There's no antagonism or animosity, just a group of parents who want to help the school, some of whom may be friends and some who aren't. I've certainly never come across a 'Queen Bee' (or Alpha Mum or any of the other type-casts you see in the press).

LaQueen · 24/05/2013 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheChaoGoesMu · 24/05/2013 14:09

Same here LaQueen. Everyone is pretty friendly at dd's school. No one misses out by being a working parent, the party invites are still there and if dd wants someone to come round for tea I just txt the parent, whether I know them well or not. And they do the same back. Not sure if we've been lucky, whether the group thing has passed me by, or whether everyone are just acting like grown ups.

fromparistoberlin · 24/05/2013 14:13

go back to work FT
poisen them?

I dunno, but fuck em and dont give them energy

chillinwithmyyonis · 24/05/2013 16:56

Our PTA virtually harangue you to become involved, we have to dodge them at the school gates with their clipboards and whatnot (no time to be involved and baking not my forte).

But the tennis thing sounds a bit shitty, I think neomaxi has a good point that many children have after-school activities but its not within the schools remit to get involved with changing or suchlike... unless of course it is run by the school. My dd goes to ballet after school (reception), it takes literally 2 mins to change her on the clubs premises, I'd have a cheek asking the TA to do it for me.

FunLovinBunster · 24/05/2013 17:37

Gill Hornby "The Hive"
I am a PTA mum who is launching an assault against the Po faced massive ego self obsessed stupid clique who are trying to keep control of our PTA.
I am uncool. Not thin. Not married. Not wealthy. Not plasterered in makeup. Not dressed head to toe in designer shit made in sweat shops by children. Not wearing sunglasses even when it is raining. Not driving a 4x4 that I can't park for fucks sake.
I used to care that I wasn't in The Clique.
Before I realised that I had better manners and more brain cells than they have all put together.
And now I don't give a fuck.

WorraLiberty · 24/05/2013 17:43

You sound like you very much do GAF or otherwise why would you describe other Mothers in that way?

FunLovinBunster · 24/05/2013 17:49

Worra... I give more than a fuck when their piss poor parking stops us mere mortals from being able to leave school car park.
I shall buy a tank.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 24/05/2013 17:50

Wandymum - you could look at this a different way - whilst the TA is off changing the tennis children, your ds is getting time with the teacher in a smaller group.

I would recommend going to the teacher and offering to help out in the class - in my experience the teachers really appreciate this, and it is much more fun than endless PTA committee meetings, and getting stuck running the jumble stall at the bazaar. I read with individual children from ds3's class, and it was lovely. I also helped out in ds2's class one morning a week, when he was in year 2.

2rebecca · 27/05/2013 13:20

I think the school shouldn't be changing kids for a private after school activity. If PTA woman asked them to do this it is an abuse of her position on the PTA. I would write to/ speak to the head about this saying that it makes it look as though it is a school activity and your son was upset at not being able to go and as they don't do it for all private after school activities why is the school getting involved in this one rather than teaching the children?
I never got involved in the school mum clique thing as I worked part time. I had my own friends so tended to just drop and pick up the kids when I could saying hello to any parents I recognised. If there were cliques I didn't recognise them and couldn't have told you who the most "popular" mums were.
It wasn't until I came on mumsnet that I realised some mums get so involved in this sort of thing.