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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To complain about cliquey school mums?

103 replies

wandymum · 22/05/2013 16:32

The other mums at DS' school are super cliquey and it appears I'm not one of the cool kids. Usually try and ignore it but a couple of things they've done recently have resulted in DS and a few others being left out at school.

They arranged after school tennis lessons for their little darlings without telling us. Not a school activity but the teacher helps the kids who go change into PE kit before pick up and then they all go off together leaving a few kids out.

Queen Bee of the clique is also class PTA rep so it's pretty much impossible to get involved in PTA things if you aren't in her group. Case in point today was that they asked for people to help with school play but she only invited her chums to the meeting about it.

Good or bad idea to complain to school? Obviously means I'll drop more points in the popularity stakes but might stop DS feeling left out.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 22/05/2013 17:46

Even if the teacher is helping them, as long as it's not causing the OP's child any hardship, why complain?

I suspect the class will also have a TA anyway.

needaholidaynow · 22/05/2013 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 22/05/2013 17:54

I have no problem with this, as I am not involved in school stuff at all. I am always at work. I have no time for the PTA, dropping off, picking up. So I don't care what they get up to.

This has had no effect on my children's popularity, son 1 has my antisocial gene so not very popular. Son 2 is friends with everyone, particularly with the son of Alpha PTA Mum.

Original poster

wandymum · 22/05/2013 18:21

Yes, DS is in reception so they are 4 and 5 - the teaching assistant takes the tennis kids of to one corner and helps them change at the end of the school day. That's what annoys me and what I'd complain to the school about.

OP posts:

diddl · 22/05/2013 19:04

Is it during or after the last lesson?

If after I can't see the problem tbh-unless there is something else she should be doing-supervising pick ups/being available to talk to parents?

messalina · 22/05/2013 19:10

Do none of these women have jobs to do?! I would be delighted not to feel any pressure to be involved in PTA. Too much else to do.

messalina · 22/05/2013 19:12

What also amazes me is that these women have so few friends they need to make new ones when their children start school. They need to get out more.

fuzzypicklehead · 22/05/2013 19:14

So the teacher is essentially saying to your son: "Now just amuse yourself while I get these other kids ready in the classroom, for an activity that you aren't allowed to join in, even though you want to."

I wouldn't be happy about my kid feeling excluded from something that is happening in the classroom. I also wouldn't expect school work to stop 10 minutes early for some of the kids to get changed, any more than I'd be pleased for a colleague to swan off early each week for tennis.

Also, why are they booking in the school's name? (Taking advantage of discounted rates, springs to mind) Either it's a private lesson or it's a school activity, in which case your kids should be welcome to attend.

I'm in a hormonal and confrontational mood tonight, but my course of action would be to request a meeting with the head to discuss why my child was having to feel excluded in this way during his school day.

If this really is a private activity, they need to get their children changed outside of school hours and stop (fraudulently?) pretending to be representing the school when they book these activities.

thebody · 22/05/2013 19:22

If its an after school activity I, as a TA , wouldn't be getting the kids undressed. I am too busy preparing next days activity and clearing up.

Join the PTA if you are keen, its open to all.

This is a very small snap shot in your child's life so don't stress.

In a few years your wont even be there.

Drop and go,

TheChaoGoesMu · 22/05/2013 19:22

Why dont you just ask her if your dc can go to the tennis too? You might be surprised and actually find out shes ok.

EuphemiaLennox · 22/05/2013 19:27

You are not allowed to join the PTA?
Really???

Don't they just have meetings that you can go along to?
Is this women really keeping the meeting dates secret from you.

If so, and yet for some weird reason you still actually want to get involved in this madness that does not affect your sons education one bit, then just ask the head or the chair of the PTA when the next meeting is and go along.

TBH, you sound very keen to be involved due to some impression it will help your son. It won't it doesn't.

kids and teachers don't actually give a shit whether mothers are baking cakes and organising raffles or not. It's only the mothers who seem to be monitoring who's in, who's out, who's friends with who, who's organising the tombola this year and who has special privileges to use the school photocopier.

Is your kid learning to read, does he have friends, is is happy? If yes then send him to school and get on with your life.

WhizzforAtomms · 22/05/2013 19:36

YANBU, am suprised at some of the responses on here. It is not on for people to behave like this when they are on the PTA. The whole point of the PTA is to involve parents in the school community for the benefit of the children. The actions you describe are having the opposite effect on at least some of the children.

Original poster

wandymum · 22/05/2013 19:45

I did ask her about the tennis but was told there was no space for DS.

Yes, I know there are more important things in life but it is a small school, I will have two children there in September and I am keen to be as involved as I can in their education (and fortunate to have the time to do so). The majority of mothers are actively involved and DS does comment on how 'so and so's mummy' did X or Y at school and why don't I.

OP posts:

Decoy · 22/05/2013 19:46

There's nothing wrong with people making friends. But excluding you from thanks, never taking you up on your offers, and booking classes which aren't open to all under the school name, are things you can justifiably bring to the attention of the head/PTA.

Lazyjaney · 22/05/2013 19:52

Cliques, Queen Bees and PTAs. Ah, schooldays.....

And if the clique runs the PTA it is effectively a closed shop.

I'd complain about using school time for exclusive private activities.

TheChaoGoesMu · 22/05/2013 19:55

Is there any others who are being left out? Have you tried talking to the other mums? Surely they cant all be this bad?

pumpkinsweetie · 22/05/2013 19:56

Do what i do and arrive on time so you don't feel like an ant amongst the queens. My eldest dds school is lovely, but my youngests is full of cliquey women.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 22/05/2013 20:00

Wandy I've read this thread and totally understand BUT...yabu. The teaching assistant helping the kids get changes is just indicitative of a good community school imo. I assume the teacher is looking after the others?

Ten children do these lessons...are they all boys? how many kids are not involved?

As for the PTA....a lot of people have asked...are the PTA not advertising the meetings? If not, then speak to the HT, tell her this and suggest that things are "rejigged" so everyone can join in.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 22/05/2013 20:01

Also, speak to the teacher and offer to volunteer to help with any craft sessions she'd like to do.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 22/05/2013 20:03

Get thingy changed in school time? Totally out of order.

Original poster

wandymum · 22/05/2013 20:09

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie - it works out just over half of the class doing tennis. Mix of boys and girls.

School doesn't really seem involved in the PTA at all (perhaps they should rename it PA!). Class reps meet with head - these meetings are for reps only and not advertised. Reps are then relied on to disseminate info / recuit volunteers from what I can gather.

Thanks for the suggestion about volunteering more directly for class activities. I'll definitely try that.

OP posts:

thebody · 22/05/2013 20:10

Er neo, ax a TA I have far far too much to do with daily school work to 'help' after schoolers get changed.

No TA I know would be expected or want to do this. No time.

WorraLiberty · 22/05/2013 20:17

Would you complain about the TA helping them if your son had been invited along to the tennis lessons?

I doubt it. This totally smacks of sour grapes.

So half the class (less than 10 kids) get a bit of help to change whilst the teacher carries on teaching and you want to complain?

Remind us again exactly how that affects your son?

Original poster

wandymum · 22/05/2013 20:23

WorraLiberty - It affects my son because over half the class are changed into school PE uniform, during lesson time, by a school employee which has given him the impression that the tennis class is a school activity he is somehow excluded from.

I wouldn't even know about it had he not come out in tears asking why I he couldn't go

OP posts:

Original poster

wandymum · 22/05/2013 20:24

Oh and yes, if my son had been invited to an activity that others were so obviously excluded from I would still be uncomfortable with it.

OP posts:

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