To complain about cliquey school mums?

[wandymum]

The other mums at DS' school are super cliquey and it appears I'm not one of the cool kids. Usually try and ignore it but a couple of things they've done recently have resulted in DS and a few others being left out at school.

They arranged after school tennis lessons for their little darlings without telling us. Not a school activity but the teacher helps the kids who go change into PE kit before pick up and then they all go off together leaving a few kids out.

Queen Bee of the clique is also class PTA rep so it's pretty much impossible to get involved in PTA things if you aren't in her group. Case in point today was that they asked for people to help with school play but she only invited her chums to the meeting about it.

Good or bad idea to complain to school? Obviously means I'll drop more points in the popularity stakes but might stop DS feeling left out.

So it is sour grapes.

Instead of complaining to the school and trying to get the TA to stop helping those kids, why don't you just tell your son that you've tried to get him into tennis lessons but it's full?

Lots of kids cry about things, then you explain why they can't have what they want and they get over it.

To try and put a stop to it just because your son can't have the same tennis lessons, is petty beyond belief.

WorraLiberty - really don't understand your point. How is it sour grapes?

At his school, all children are able to participate in all activities. If the activity isn't available to all children then the school shouldn't be involved surely?

You may consider me petty, and I know I posted this on AIBU, but I certainly don't apologise for not wanting my child to be upset.

The TA is very kindly helping some children at the end of the school day and because your PFB isn't involved, you want it stopped.

That's pure pettiness.

How will your DS ever learn cope if you go around putting a stop to things just because he can't get involved in them?

I think you're being very harsh on the OP WorraLiberty - it doesn't sound like pettiness or sour grapes over tennis lessons to me. The OP has an understandable anxiety about her son being excluded, that she is not able to play the role in school she'd like to in order to support her children, and is trying to deal with the problem of a cliquey exclusive PTA set up rather than waiting for more crap things to happen. Completely reasonable.

And actually you'll find as he goes through his school life there will be times when he won't be able to take part in all school activities. They might be done on a first come first served basis...due to numbers or he might not be good enough to take part.

What are you going to do then if you're so intent on 'protecting' him instead of simply explaining he can't do it because it's full?

Her son hasn't been excluded Whizz

The tennis lessons are full

Could you see her complaining about this TA kindly helping a few kids out if her son could take tennis lessons?

But why do the school need to be involved at all?

Why can't the children get changed at the tennis club rather than during lesson time?

Why cause totally uneccessary upset to the minority of children who weren't included?

I'm not saying they should stop the kids doing tennis, just that they should only endorse activities that are available to all of them.

Perhaps it's easier for the parents

Perhaps the TA is you know...nice and obliging to parents

Perhaps they have enough experience of kids to know that they cry and then they get over things.

Perhaps they think it's good for kids to learn they can't have everything they want.

Count yourself lucky not to be taken up for PTA gofering. It's a thankless task and if Queen Bee and co. are happy to do it, let them.

The tennis changing thing is v. odd. Why on earth are school staff assisting? And if it's cutting into class lesson time I'd definitely be complaining.

I'd go and speak to the head about both issues. Plan what you are going to say and make sure it is focused on your DS's experiences and being part of the school community, not about cliques and your own feelings. You are unlikely to be the only parent who has noticed this.

No the lessons aren't full...the lesson is a private group one. OP I suggest you book another class of some sort for your DS...involving a separate uniform and then tell the teacher you will need her to help him get changed into his Karate/Rugby/soccer uniform when she's doing the tennis kids.

See how that goes down. In practice she couldn't refuse...she COULD end up changing an ENTIRE class into various after school activity outfits. Because why wouldn't she? After all she's doing HALF the class already.

The tennis club didn't say the class was full - they said it was not open to the public and needed to be booked through the school. Queen Bee mum then said it was full when I asked - but she would, wouldn't she

I will definitely be saying something about inability to get involved with the PTA though - unless that is also in someway petty Worra ?

Her son was excluded when private lessons were arranged in the school's name, involving the majority of his school reception class, and for which preparation in terms of the TA's help changing is required every week.

Yes you definitely need to sort this out with the head. The school appear to be condoning the wrong sort of attitude.

I think having a word about the PTA is fair enough

But trying to put a stop to the TA being nice/helpful would make you sound like 'that parent'...especially when they find out your child can't do tennis.

Badminton beats tennis any day. Look for a badminton class for your DS instead and sign up with the other half of the class.

It would be more effective if you get together with some of the other excluded mothers. I'd leave the Clique to run the PTA, just use the pressure of your New Clique on the Head clip their wings by forcing them to communicate, include others etc.

Love the idea of doing other alternative sports and saying your lot too need help togging up. Fencing has lots of fiddly gear for the TA to struggle help with

For what it's worth, my 10+ years of junior school and PTA experience would lead me to say. As long as they are not curtailing a lesson to get the other children changed, and I can't imagine any school would, then I would not complain about it. I appreciate your son was upset but things like this will happen all through his school career. If the school are obliging by helping out some parents then, on another occasion when you ask for a similar favour they will presumably help you too. This can only benefit everybody in the long run.

On the PTA thing.....I am rather cynical after many long years of trying to get people to help. Rightly or wrongly, often if you need help at an event it is easier to just ask the same people that you know you can rely on to turn up, maybe that's all she did .......on the other hand, you are a parent and have every right to be involved. If your class rep is not passing on information go over her head to the chairperson or HT. A genuine offer of help is rarely turned down.

Cool kid? I think the really cool kid is the one who doesn't run with the pack.

There may or may not be cliques at my dd's school. I never notice or even care.....

Worra but where does it end? Would the teachers assistant happily help ALL of the kids in the class to get changed for whatever activity they were doing after school? Or only this group of 10 because...why...their parents booked them a class together? Nah...I don't really reckon OP IS being unreasonable after all.

Oh come on it's at the end of the day. The TA helps the kids out and the teacher carries on.

It's so not a big deal and the OP would probably be grateful if her child was doing tennis and needed a bit of help changing.

It's nice to be nice and the TA and teacher sound as though they are.

I know what you mean Worra...and without the other stuff the OP's complained about it would be nothing...but it seems to me that the school is very lazy re the PTA and has let some woman take over it totally. And not in a good way....in the same situation, I'd be feeling a bit bitter too probably.

I'm at them getting changed at school, it would never have occurred to me to ask DD's teacher let her get changed for dancing/gymnastics at the end of the day, maybe I'm missing a trick

I feel your pain on the clique front, DD's class is very like this among the parents. DD's only been at the school since January and this is my first experience of playground politics, it's a scary world. I do feel that I'm letting DD down and should be doing more to help her make friends through the parents, but I've tried and they're not particularly welcoming. Lots of 'did you want anything particular' if I stand with certain groups at pick up.

For the first few months DD was at the school I was leaving work briefly some days to pick her up at the end of school and drop her off at dancing/gymnastics until I finished- not ideal but I'd just got special guardianship and work were very understanding. It was always a bit of a mad dash but we made it work. Some of the other mums in DD's class knew this. I later found out that two of those mums had their DCs activities at the same place, same day, same time and walked round there together, along with another child in the class whose mum couldn't pick her up and take her there herself :(

NIghtingalefloor...they sound mean! I know it sounds not very inviting but join the PTA and volunteer for things....it really helps in terms of getting to know other parents. Don't worry though, kids choose their own friends to a large degree.