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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask party hostess if I can come alone when the invite is for me and 'DH'

26 replies

roundwindow · 21/05/2013 22:03

Quandry:

Have been invited to a wicked-sounding party by a lovely mum at the school who I know a bit but not all that well. Invite is for me and DH. We've been separated for a while but have been trying to work things out so have let people at school assume we're still a couple (moved here about 18 months ago) and I haven't really got to know anyone well enough to completely explain the intricacies of the situation.

But over the past year our separation has become more solidified by his involvement with an OW to the point where I really wouldn't feel comfortable attending a party with him as 'a couple'.

But I think I'd really quite like to go to the party. Would it be rude to ask the mum if I can go alone? Would it be courteous to explain why? or should I just assume that as the invite is for me and him, then if 'me and him' can't go I just politely decline?

This woman is really nice and I'm desperate not to put her in an awkward position... what if it's for couples only? How can I let her know that I completely understand if that's the case?

Wibble wibble meh

OP posts:
LlamaLover · 21/05/2013 22:04

'Bob can't attend, but I'd love to come by myself, if that's OK with you'

See what she says! X

ChasingSquirrels · 21/05/2013 22:05

I don't see the problem at ALL, just say that you would love to come but P won't be there, or that you would love to come but will be on your own as you have separated from P.

bookforgoddaughter · 21/05/2013 22:06

It's absolutely fine to ask her. You don't need to tell her the reason if you don't feel like it. However, if he has OW, you may soon find it quite liberating to say that you are not together.

Original poster
roundwindow · 21/05/2013 22:06

See, that's the kind of sensible, concise, un-dithery course of action that can only be proposed by someone else's brain. Thanks Smile

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 21/05/2013 22:07

Do people REALLY have "couples only" parties?

LimeLeaffLizard · 21/05/2013 22:07

Just ask. She might have invited a gorgeous single bloke who you could snog chat to.

redwellybluewelly · 21/05/2013 22:09

ChasingSquirrels usually only the ones with pampas grass growing in the front garden...

Original poster
roundwindow · 21/05/2013 22:11

ChasingSquirrels I don't know! It's just the paranoid construct of a scared newbie singleton in a grown-up couple-y world Confused

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 21/05/2013 22:11

LOL!!

SanityClause · 21/05/2013 22:12

We have a dinner party with three other couples, every so often. Each couple takes it in turn to host.

Once, one of the husbands was away, working, and just the wife came. Obviously, we were all a bit disappointed that he wasn't there, but it would've been worse if she hadn't come, as well, even though its usually a couples do.

Does that help?

Original poster
roundwindow · 21/05/2013 22:12

ha! just saw your second post

OP posts:
bookforgoddaughter · 21/05/2013 22:13

I am so proud I get the pampas grass reference. My MN knowledge is coming along nicely...

ChasingSquirrels · 21/05/2013 22:14

Ah yes, been there (newby singleton, NOT pampas grass parties), got the tshirt, moved on.

Hope you have a lovely time at the party.

Original poster
roundwindow · 21/05/2013 22:14

sanity kinda.. although this is exactly the position I don't want to put her in, as I really don't know her well enough to assume the conceit of 'of course they want me there in my own right.

Having said that I think it's quite a big party so it'll probably be fine.

You've all been so helpful Thanks

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 21/05/2013 22:16

I can't imagine why it wouldn't be ok to go on your own. I've never known of a couples only party. My DP is frequently working abroad so I go to most things on my own. Of course you don't want to go as a couple if you and your DH are separated.

cory · 22/05/2013 07:33

It's absolutely fine to say "sorry, but Percy won't be able to make it" under any circumstances; the hostess won't think there is anything odd or start jumping to conclusions. I am backing out of an event next weekend because I don't feel up to it; we are having a dinner party the same night and a friend's husband won't be coming because he is busy. "afraid he won't be able to make it" covers all eventualities. You are a person in your own right, you have not been invited to provide a dance show, but for them to enjoy your company.

FruOla · 22/05/2013 08:42

I shouldn't imagine the hostess will be bothered that you'll be coming by yourself, and, as others have said, you don't even need to give her a reason why 'D'H isn't coming.

Out of interest, has your H seen the invitation? Is that why you think he might bring the OW?

During my single days, I was once excluded from a 'couples only' NYE party by my, then, best friend - she actually told me it was 'couples only' Shock and, no, pampas grass certainly wasn't involved Grin

lottiegarbanzo · 22/05/2013 09:11

I wouldn't think twice about saying casually, 'oh DP can't make it so it will just be me' unless it was a formal dinner party but even then I'd expect to go I'd just be less casual about talking to the host.

You're over thinking because of your circumstances. Tell them you're separated, or don't, totally up to you.

MidniteScribbler · 22/05/2013 10:50

Nothing wrong with saying "Bozo can't make it, but I'm looking forward to coming." And if someone said that to me, I wouldn't even begin to question why (unless of cause his name is really not Bozo!).

chipmonkey · 22/05/2013 10:53
Shock
Original poster
roundwindow · 22/05/2013 12:09

Oh you lovely lovely people. Can't express how helpful this is.

Breezy, Bozo-free confidence it is, then, I feel ready to RSVP. Hurrah.

(Actually rocking up and walking into there alone, on the other hand... brrrr.. but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Party's not for ages)

And Fru, good god no. No possible chance of H (and OW) being party to this party -- they live quite far away and all school-related socialising always comes via me. This is firmly in the 'my life' camp. Smile

Thanks all Smile

OP posts:
TheChaoGoesMu · 22/05/2013 14:55

I wouldn't think it was a problem. I always go on my own to those things, even if everyone else is in couples. I just say dh is babysitting so it will just be me. No one minds.

FruOla · 22/05/2013 15:41

Have a lovely time at the party roundwindow.
It will be great.
Your hostess probably won't even notice that H isn't there.
Go and enjoy yourself.

QueenStromba · 22/05/2013 21:00

I'm sure she only included your H on the invite because it's the polite thing to do and doesn't give a rat's arse whether or not he's there.

pigsDOfly · 22/05/2013 21:34

Agree with everyone else Roundwindow. Get yourself dressed up and go and have a lovely time.

Haven't been on here that long and got the pampas grass reference too