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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be glad at my DMiL's recent diagnosis of lung cancer?

29 replies

LesserEvil · 18/05/2013 11:13

At least her dementia won't get her.

Sad
OP posts:
FairhairedandFrustrated · 18/05/2013 11:14

:( it'll be very very tough :(

thebody · 18/05/2013 11:15

Both are dreadful and both sad. Sorry op for you all.

HighBrows · 18/05/2013 11:17

I was opening this thread thinking all kinds of mean things, however this is a really sad situation.

I hope she passes soon and isn't in too much pain.

Sad
ProphetOfDoom · 18/05/2013 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dawndonna · 18/05/2013 11:21

I have a lovely, lovely stepfather. He has prostate cancer and dementia. It's so hard to know how to feel. At the moment, he's forgetful, a bit panicky on occasion, but the arisept helps. He is in no pain and sometimes forgets about his diagnosis. These are good things. At the moment.
I feel for you.
YANBU.

BoreOfWhabylon · 18/05/2013 11:23

I have experienced exactly the same situation with a family member, OP.

It was a relief that the cancer took him before the dementia had run its course, so that he still recognised us all and was able to stay in his own home (with family caring for him) until his last few days in a hospice.

He had no distressing interventions for the cancer, he was just kept comfortable and happy for the 18 months it took from diagnosis of lung cancer to his death.

YANBU at all Flowers

Original poster
LesserEvil · 18/05/2013 11:37

Thank you all for your kind responses.
I posted in AIBU because I am just so fucking angry at it all...

My gran is approaching 100, she is v severely demented (non-verbal now) and it is just hideous what she has been through in the last 20 years or so. Curse her strong heart.

DMiL is well over 80, she has vascular dementia so no cognitive enhancers for her. Her decline has been so rapid, it is scary.
She has locally advanced lung cancer, but really is not fit for any intervention - she would have been offered radiotherapy if she had been very symptomatic from it, but she wasn't, really.

She was admitted because her carers found her very very confused in the morning, GP was called who admitted her to hospital. She has a chestinfection, but has perked right up with treatment. So far so good.

The irony is that she was going to move to my DSiL's this weekend... The situation of her staying at home, even with full care package, had become a bit dodgy. We are about 40 mi away from her, have kids, jobs etc - you get the picture.

At least with the cancer, there is an end in sight Sad.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 18/05/2013 11:39

I understand why you feel that way. Tough situation either way though Sad

RandomMess · 18/05/2013 11:41

Sad I feel for all of you but yes the end is in sight x

BeckAndCall · 18/05/2013 11:41

I feel for you, Lesser. It is a very tough position your family finds itself in. Although everybody's family troubles are different, there is always a sympathetic ear, and a good deal of understanding, on here. That's what I find, anyway..

HesterShaw · 18/05/2013 11:45

What a sad situation. I'm very sorry. I know exactly how you feel. My dear dad is sliding into awful dementia, and to be honest, I just want some quick illness to finish him off quickly. Anything but this.

ApocalypseThen · 18/05/2013 11:47

I felt the same way when my granny got liver cancer. Watching the dementia heap indignities on a proud person in the winter of their lives is hideous. I hope your mother in law doesn't suffer unnecessarily.

ItsallisnowaFeegle · 18/05/2013 11:49

My heart goes out to you all and I hope she passes quickly, with minimal pain Sad

YANBU

minouminou · 18/05/2013 11:50

Do you have a timeframe?
Like a PP said...it's possible that the dementia will keep her from worrying about the cancer, while the cancer shortens the time that she has to suffer dementia.

I hope she spends her remaining time in as much comfort and dignity as possible.

FJL203 · 18/05/2013 11:51

Every bit of me hurts for you and yours, Lesser. I'm struggling with my father's infirmity, the likelihood of a lung cancer diagnosis soon and care needs and I maybe know a little of how difficult it is for you.

Wishing you strength and your Gran and DMiL comfort, courage and painless peace when the time comes.

AThingInYourLife · 18/05/2013 11:51

:(

I remember watching my physically healthy grandfather be gradually stolen from us by Alzheimer's and wondering what on earth would kill him so he could finally rest.

I'm sorry for your Mum's diagnosis, but I get where you are coming from.

:( :( :(

BoreOfWhabylon · 18/05/2013 12:10

Yes, the end is in sight and that is a good thing.

Is there a local hospice that your DSIL can be put in touch with? They were hugely helpful and supportive to me, visiting regularly and giving me someone to vent to. I truly believe they saved my sanity. It also meant that, when I finally admitted I could no longer cope with the care (on a Saturday morning) they were able to immediately arrange admission for 'respite', although I knew he would not be coming home again. Pneumonia took him, peacefully, 10 days later.

My heart goes out to you, Hester and all the others in similar situations.

Do not feel guilty for wishing your loved ones gone. It is because we love them that we wish this.

BoreOfWhabylon · 18/05/2013 12:13

Meant to you, OP, to Hester and to all the others

LEMisdisappointed · 18/05/2013 12:21

Lesser Evil, i could have written this 8 years ago, about my lovely Dad. He had dementia and was in a terrible way - when i got a call saying he had been admitted to hospital with chest pains, i prayed for a heart attack, it was lung cancer and we insisted on no treatment, just palliative care - he never really regained conciousness and died in a hospice, peacefully about a month later - as awful as it sounds, i was glad when he died :(

Hester, i am so so sorry about your dad :( Tough times ahead, but do look for support, contact the alzheimers society and try and ensure that he gets any available medication, there are certain meds that will dely the progression of the disease by significant amounts of time. They are better if given early and you have to fight for them sometimes. They don't call it the long goodbye for nothing.

ElizaDoLots · 18/05/2013 12:29

A relative of my mum's had dementia for a decade - it was awful. I can't believe in years to come that we will allow people to live like this, it is so cruel. She would believe on a regular basis that she had lost her dog and would be as worried as if she really had lost her dog. She's the first person I was happy to hear had died.

EllaFitzgerald · 18/05/2013 12:29

An awful situation, I'm very sorry for you and yours.

gordyslovesheep · 18/05/2013 12:31

Oh OP :( what a dreadful situation when you are glad of cancer xxxxx gentle un mumsnetty hugs x

Original poster
LesserEvil · 18/05/2013 13:21

Aw, thank you all again. This is why a love MN Smile.

And so sorry for all of you who were/are in a similar situation.

Her consultant has spoken about a life expectancy of about 6 months. I know (professionally) how inaccurate these predictions are, so I am not holding him to it IYKWIM.

I know that hospices are wonderful places.
I think we will need to see how long she will need to be in hospital this time and whether the move to my SiL will happen or not. She lives at the other end of the country; it is DSiL's and DMiL's choice to move there, and I think it is great that this is possible. It will make it much harder for us to see her (think 500 mi rather than 40 mi).

There is all sorts of psychological shit going on with DH who never had a very straightforward relationship with his mother, but now struggles with the thought of losing her: to distance and/or illness Sad.

OP posts:
DizzySometimes · 18/05/2013 13:34

I'm so sorry to hear this, OP, and I totally understand why you'd wish this to progress quickly. You are are definitely not being unreasonable to be thankful that her suffering will be shortened.

In addition to hospice and palliative care, I wonder if you'd been put in contact with admiral nurses? If they cover your area, they may be able to help support you as both diseases progress. Here's a link for you:

www.dementiauk.org/what-we-do/admiral-nurses/

I hope that you and your family get all the help you need in the coming months.

DailyNameChanger · 18/05/2013 13:35

Hi my dad died of dementia in December. Beginning to end 5 years and it was only really bad for the last 3 months. But, from the day he was diagnosed I hoped and prayed a heart attack would take him. Yanbu.

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