AIBU re post-birth visiting

[BraveLilBear]

I'm nearly 31 weeks with our first child (tho DP already has an 11-yo son), and I am being tortured by the pressure of visiting times after birth.

My family live a long way away (2 hours+ drive). This is a choice I made several years ago to take up particular jobs, and I have now settled here and very happy. This is my choice, and I made it at the time understanding this may restrict my support opportunities later in life.

Fast forward to the impending birth of the first baby in the next generation of my family. I understand that they can't wait to meet him or her and I, equally, can't wait to introduce him or her to its wonderful extended family. Despite the physical distance, we are fairly emotionally close and I am very blessed to have such a loving family.

However, I have serious concerns about becoming overwhelmed in the days after birth. I have never had a child before, and this will be a huge change for me, and to my relationship with my DP. I am pretty sure that I will not be in a position to play hostess whilst in pain, bleeding, tired and attempting to learn to breastfeed. DP will be trying to support me, and will also be tired. He is not exactly a great host at the best of times - there's no chance he's going to suddenly become a master at this in these circumstances.

So I have said I don't want any visitors for at least 3 days after we get home in order to adapt. Ideally it would be longer, but I think this is too selfish.

I have also said we do not want any overnight guests for at least a month, for the same reason, and that we would prefer people to come in the daytime (ie leaving before 7) so that when DP goes back to work we can have some family time in an evening and he can chill out after two long commutes a sleep-disturbed night etc.

Anyway. I have started the task of communicating this to people so they can get their heads round it. My mum, who had offered to come and stay for a week after DP goes back to work (we have declined because we can't handle anyone staying over so soon, and would want some space in the evenings), has used phrases such as 'you're going to ostracise people' and 'when you decide you want to share, I'll see if I can fit you in the diary'.

She says that she has/had expectations of suporting her daughters when they have children, and is obviously upset with me for challenging that.

The added complexity is that I could be in for 5 days or could be out in 6 hours, so I can't offer a guarantee of hospital visitation so our families can get that initial newborn baby fix.

AIBU to ask for space to settle in? I feel terrible, but also that I know we will never ever get this time again...

I loathed having visitors from my family - was actually fine with close female friends, but my parents, my sister, my in laws, made me want to scream. I would give yourself at least a week on your own. If you change your mind, fair enough, but the worst thing ever was my mum piling into the hospital with my father in law, having been specifically told not to, the day after I'd had a brutal forceps delivery and DD was still in special care. I can't imagine how much worse it would have been if I'd had a section (nerve damage meant I felt nothing for a week or two, so no real pain. Just lots of stitches) and been in pain as well.

I felt like this a bit - but we filled the freezer, accepted visitors on day 2 and 3 then had a week to ourselves. I did nothing except sit on the sofa and feed/cuddle DS while people popped over.

Now, the thought of my son when he grows up not wanting me to meet his child as soon as possible really upsets me. I wonder if I might react like your mum!

I am 20 weeks and starting to think about how DH and I will deal with this.

Both sets of parents are well meaning but can be difficult and overbearing in their own way. A little while ago, my DSis announced she was pregnant with DC2 (due shortly after my DC1) and my DM said "I won't know where to put myself!". I thought to myself "how about you actually ask what we would like?"

TBH I have always found my DM to be supportive only on her terms and at times that suited her. I have done most things in my life without her being on hand for support (or even approval sometimes) ad she has no hesitation in making her disapproval known. Having coped by myself for so long, I'm damned if she's going to start claiming the credit by being all "supportive" now by offering criticising and judgement just when I need them least

Kasbah - thank you! - there's some fantastic ideas in there, and I think the idea of giving her something to help with would be a great way to make her feel included.

Dontmind - she knows about paternity leave, hence the offer of coming to stay after DP returns to work. DP says she could stay a couple of days but not a whole week - he will need some mental space and finds 'company' exhausting. He knows there won't be much peace and quiet to be had, but he just wants to be himself and he can't do that when other people are around.

Sorry to hear of so many difficult experiences, but nice to know there are some good parents out there! The thing is, how do you know how yours will behave when it comes down to it?

This topic makes my blood boil! Surely for heavens sake it is ALL about the new mother/baby/father the grandparents if they are worth their salt should put all their selfish feelings to one side and listen to what the new family want. If they dont want visitors fine. If they want support there from day 1 fine. For this short time the new parents needs come FIRST this self obession by the baby boomers drives me mad. They had their turn when they had their own children.

My mother came to stay when we had DD1 and was absolutely amazing. She helped establish breastfeeding, put our minds at rest and did housework,grocery shopping all the cooking. On day 3 she said she would go and give us some space as a new family - have never seen DH look so horrified! He begged her to stay - she didnt but showed what a brilliant support she had been.

ILs on the other hand have the empathy and emotional sensitivity of my garden fence. I left hospital with prem DD2 they arrived the next morning to stay for 4 days. They had not brought any food with them and expected business as usual . DD wouldnt feed and I had midwives calling round every 3 hours and was expressing every 4 hours and they wanted me to cook them sodding dinner I dont think so. DH was running round after them and looking after DD1 so suggested a take away. "But I dont like curry" said FIL. I have never come so close to murder.

"this self obession by the baby boomers drives me mad. They had their turn when they had their own children."

I know it was a mean comment but my ILs were MADDENINGLY unsympathetic the one time since I've known them when we needed a little bit of support.

Every minor ailment of theirs is treated with serious faced gravity yet my emergency c section and sickly baby weren't even acknowledged. Grrr rant over!

So why does everyone behave as if the ghastly examples are typical and the lovely ones the exceptions? It's all very odd, and sad.

"This will affect the baby as a knock-on - GPs may resent parents and possibly baby because of actions of parents, parents may resent and feel unsupported by GPs because of their actions, thus damaging their own parent-child relationships - both have the potential to lead to limited (or close-minded) interactions between baby and GPs."

so the GP shouldn't be so bloody childish to let something like this effect a child who is really blameless. They should grow up.

If you are normaly a busy person you may get bored. When DS2 was 3 days old we were out shopping for presents for the midwives who delivered him and I drove him up to my mothers house - 90 miles to meet all his elderly relations a couple of days later. I felt totally turbo charged and couldn't wait to get back to doing all the things I'd been too tired for when expecting him.

Seeker - i think it's not that people act like the bad examples are typical, the expectation is that you'll let grandparents come and visit as much as they want and you'll be one big happy family, the problem is when allowing that means allowing "hard work" people to have access to you when you are vunerable. (Mind you, having talked about this in real life, I've realised that of all my 'mummy' friends, only 2 have both sets of grandparents who respect boundaries and aren't hard work, everyone else seems to have at least one side who are nightmareish and have horror stories/regret letting them stay post birth.)

For most people, it's not a problem up until the point you have DCs because really, if you are both working full time, and live a bit away from your extended families, then you can grin and bare it for family visits now and then.

Its when you become a parent that the 'problem parents' become something you have to manage and deal with, or don't deal with it in advance, assuming somehow becoming a grandparent will make them less selfish, and then be on threads like this talking about how your parents/PILs behaviour in the week post birth hurt you so much and has damaged your long term relationship with them.

reading back through this thread, there are several woman who are still upset by family behaving badly around births that happened nearly a decade ago - it's often for only one or two days the grandparents "got it wrong" and yet that has perminately damaged their relationship with their DD/DIL and subsequently meant that their relationship with their DGC is not as good as it would have been (I certainly limit my mum's access to DS because that's also limiting her access to me). These people might have "got it wrong" a lot of other times as well, but on those times you are more able to forgive it/accept it's their way/manage them, but those first few weeks with a newborn are so intense that it's even more important. As hurtful as it might be for said nightmare new grandparents to be kept away or be limited to short (IME reasonable) visit times of only a couple of hours, it's actually in their best interests to stop them acting in a way that's going to mean they have a crap relationship with their DC and DGC from then on.

I really really hope when I'm at the age to become a granny, DS doesn't look at me and see a problem he's got to manage, or let me be a nightmare and them manage the aftermath of my bad behaviour with his DP....

That's an interesting take, higgle. I think one of my biggest concerns is that I'll be in a state of (mental) shock immediately afterwards - in a whole new world with no clue how to cope, plus pain and physical weakness on top.

I suppose I find the idea of a "mumzilla" almost as irritating as the idea of the universally mocked "bridezilla".

Having a baby can be difficult and challenging. However it does not excuse you from considering other people's feelings and conforming to basic courtesy.

It does excuse you from usual "hosting" duties though - something some GPs (my ILs definitely) couldnt get their heads round. Dontmind is quite right - DH and I were utterly self sufficient, wft, professionals who had never needed any help from parents. We did then though, just for a few weeks we were quite vulnerable. And my ILs were shit - utterly unhelpful and yes it has affected my view of them I can't help that. When the chips were down they weren't there for us quite the opposite.

Basic courtesy is asking when its ok to visit and not making a big deal about someone wanting to settle in first.

It is not nor has it ever been about insisting you come as and when you please irrespective of whats going on in the other persons house nor is it putting your desire for a cuddle of someone whilst they are brand new above the person who just push that baby out.

You ask when its ok,you don't infringe or over stay your welcome you don't put people out and you don't intrude when people are not at there best unless they actually invite you to.

The point is, it doesn't excuse anyone from basic courtesy and consideration.

The examples people are giving would be horrendous in any circumstances- regardless of the presence of a new baby!

sock basic courtesy in both directions should be expected other than in extreme circumstances?

Of course it should.

Asking "when can I pop round for a cuddle"

Answer "how about the day after tomorrow"

Nothing at all lacking on courtesy about that on either side.

We took a week, it was lovely.

It's a big thing so tough if they don't like it.

But examples here are people saying no for days and weeks, not reasonable IMO (other than in the extreme)

Shellsocks,

The op is talking about 3 days most people on this thread are saying in the op's situation 3 days is reasonable.

"How about the day after tomorrow" is not considering the feelings of grandparents.

"This afternoon- but I'm absolutely shattered, so could it be a really short visit? Say half a hour? And on the way, could you pop to the shop and get......"

I almost died having one of mine, i was really poorly. One of the aunts tried to get admitted onto the ward for a cuddle.

She was heartbroken, felt left out, devestated, refused to visit for weeks it affected her so much. I couldn't even walk to the fucking bathroom.

it's perfectly reasonable to do whatever you want. Giving birth is no walk in the park, feeding is a nightmare to establish and do you really want to be popping your bits out with loads of family round, sat on a pile of cushions to help with the three hundred stitches in your vagina.

"it's perfectly reasonable to do whatever you want"

No it isn't!

Your aunt was incredibly insensitive and rude- and would have been, even if you hadn't just given birth.

seeker nor is it fair to ask (grand)parents who live two hundred miles away to drop in for half an hour. If their visits need to be more lengthy, why isn't it fair to ask them to wait?