AIBU re post-birth visiting

[BraveLilBear]

I'm nearly 31 weeks with our first child (tho DP already has an 11-yo son), and I am being tortured by the pressure of visiting times after birth.

My family live a long way away (2 hours+ drive). This is a choice I made several years ago to take up particular jobs, and I have now settled here and very happy. This is my choice, and I made it at the time understanding this may restrict my support opportunities later in life.

Fast forward to the impending birth of the first baby in the next generation of my family. I understand that they can't wait to meet him or her and I, equally, can't wait to introduce him or her to its wonderful extended family. Despite the physical distance, we are fairly emotionally close and I am very blessed to have such a loving family.

However, I have serious concerns about becoming overwhelmed in the days after birth. I have never had a child before, and this will be a huge change for me, and to my relationship with my DP. I am pretty sure that I will not be in a position to play hostess whilst in pain, bleeding, tired and attempting to learn to breastfeed. DP will be trying to support me, and will also be tired. He is not exactly a great host at the best of times - there's no chance he's going to suddenly become a master at this in these circumstances.

So I have said I don't want any visitors for at least 3 days after we get home in order to adapt. Ideally it would be longer, but I think this is too selfish.

I have also said we do not want any overnight guests for at least a month, for the same reason, and that we would prefer people to come in the daytime (ie leaving before 7) so that when DP goes back to work we can have some family time in an evening and he can chill out after two long commutes a sleep-disturbed night etc.

Anyway. I have started the task of communicating this to people so they can get their heads round it. My mum, who had offered to come and stay for a week after DP goes back to work (we have declined because we can't handle anyone staying over so soon, and would want some space in the evenings), has used phrases such as 'you're going to ostracise people' and 'when you decide you want to share, I'll see if I can fit you in the diary'.

She says that she has/had expectations of suporting her daughters when they have children, and is obviously upset with me for challenging that.

The added complexity is that I could be in for 5 days or could be out in 6 hours, so I can't offer a guarantee of hospital visitation so our families can get that initial newborn baby fix.

AIBU to ask for space to settle in? I feel terrible, but also that I know we will never ever get this time again...

Oh and re DP - he seems to be getting the message, we had some freinds over on Saturday and he was much more helpful than previous form (though still not quite perfect) so his hosting skills are improving

Re the evenings - it's more that he doesn't feel comfortable with a house full at the best of times. I don't think he's expecting quiet, he just wants to have the opportunity to wind down without being 'on show'. He doesn't mind some evening visitors, so long as they go home at a fair hour and it's not every night.

Visiting a new baby is 100% about your needs and wants there is no way around that and no question about it.

Its nice they are snugly and cute and cute to look at the only benefit at all is to the visitor.

There are very few times in someone's life when they have to prioritise themselves over and above external relations,the mum or dad of this baby may very well be your daughter or son but as much as you may not like it the second they become parents themselves you are relegated to external family you are not and never will be as important to them as their own relationship with the baby.

Nobody but nobody can despute that the first couple of days at home are very different for the parents and the mum is usually also dealing with cramps pain bleeding and other things she may not wish to share.

Some parents may feel like they want to invite family and friends round and make a shared celebration of those few days others may not want to they may want to adjust in private with their own new family and not involve external family untill a few days have passed.

Both are equally valid wants or needs,and if your the type of external family member who thinks your own wants and needs are more important than the person who just gave birth and the baby's dad,because your desire to see the cuteness should over ride there's then the problem is with you and you alone.

Those of you who are fretting about being asked to wait 72 hours before you meet a new baby can any of you explain exactly why your wants are more important than the actual new parent's needs or wants?

Op from your description of your dm, then keeping her away until you are ready to see her sounds best. As for how to say it, can I suggest you acquire difficult pils? You could say to your mum that you are worried they will come over all the time and be hard work, that you think they are the sort to stay for hours and your not sure you can cope with them, so you thought you'd put in some rules. But you don't want dp to think you hate his parents, so she will of course understand she needs the same rules....

OP, please don?t make decisions now that will affect the lives of everyone involved for ever ? if you don?t want people staying that?s fine (although actually, if they do stay, they will probably act more like useful members of the family and less like visitors) and you certainly don?t have to ?play hostess? - don?t be afraid to tell people what needs doing... but do let them meet your baby and absorb him/her into your family ? after all, he/she is going to be part of what you describe as a close and loving family for the rest of their life. I hope that all goes well for you

Seeing as baby will be part of the family for the rest of their life, I don't see how not seeing the baby for three days is an issue?!

Weddings and Newborns cannot be compared at all. A wedding is a ceremony that you choose to share. It may be a "life event" but it's far beyond comparison.

Any new parents will have been waiting at least 9 months (and perhaps several years if TTC was difficult) to meet their baby. I'm sure everyone else can manage to wait three days!

Just remember that there are lots of relationships which will be important to your baby. And he or she needs all the friends and relations she can get.

Not at under 3 days old they don't.

The only relationships that matter at all to such a tiny baby are its parents or person who will be its caregiver.

I don't understand why it's supposedly so important a baby meet anybody but it's parents? My friends MIL waited 6 months to meet her grandson because she lives in Zimbabwe... it didn't hurt their relationship one bit

my son was in special care for 10 days, met my mil on day 11 and then didn't see her for another 3 months. They get on fine when she is here. My own mother didn't see him for 3 weeks as she was ill and they have a lovely relationship. Seeing a baby in the first few days of life is not important for building relationships.

I think the biggest impact I'm seeing here is the impact on the relationship between parents and grandparents - it seems that the actions in the first few days/weeks of life - from both sides - truly has the power to do severe lasting damage to those relationships.

This will affect the baby as a knock-on - GPs may resent parents and possibly baby because of actions of parents, parents may resent and feel unsupported by GPs because of their actions, thus damaging their own parent-child relationships - both have the potential to lead to limited (or close-minded) interactions between baby and GPs.

While the relationships between us and baby, and between me and DP are absolutely vital, I guess this thread is really about the wider web of interactions and relationships...

Ii just hate the drawbridge mentality that seems so prevalent on mumsnet. "My baby, my rules" and tough shit if you don't like it. Really sad.
And I know that people will come on here with their extreme anecdotes, and yes, there are obviously ghastly people into world, but most people are trying to do the best they can, and will be hurt and baffled at being shut out of their children's lives at such an important time. And the new parents have to accept some of the the responsibility for that hurt and bafflement. Just because you've had a baby doesn't give you carte blanche to a trample on other people's feelings.

Absolutely, Bear. That's what I was trying to say- thank you for saying it so eloquently!

I understand it might damage a relationship between grandparents and the parent... but does a grandparent really have a right to treat their child in such a way because they aren't getting their own way? No

It's not a matter of "getting their own way" it's being treated with common human decency!

"Just because you've had a baby doesn't give you carte blanche to a trample on other people's feelings."

and just because someone in your family has had a baby it doesn't give you carte blanche to trample all over theirs either.

Like someone already said, people who make this decision do so knowing what is best for them and what the consequences are.

No it's not about common human decency at all. What part of wanting time to adjust as a new family before welcoming other family into the equation is indecent?

You get women upset that their child didn't have children, a big wedding etc... You might dislike your child's choices but if you allow it to cause a rift then it really isn't your child's fault in my view. You shouldn't live out your parents wishes to maintain a happy relationship.

Hope all goes well for you.

I think that it's a "wait & see" thing tbh.

You might find that you'd rather see people whilst still in hospital for example.

Restricted visiting, you /your husband don't have to entertain.

Then when you get home you can have a few days as everyone has already seen the baby.

I also find this "drawbridge up for 2wks" odd.

After giving birth twice I would hope that I can respect how a new mum would feel-daughter or dil-and that my excitement at becoming a GM doesn't trump their needs for rest.

I'd also hope though that if I said half an hr they'd trust me to stick to that.

A lot of the problems I think do stem from people having to travel & making "popping in" not really doable.

Your mum does sound hard work OP-why would she be expecting to support you??

Barring a csection/difficult birth, it's pretty doable alone!!

I wouldn't want to impose an arbitrary limit for the sake of it, but if I felt that I needed a little bit of time to readjust for my own sanity/ability to bond I would be pretty annoyed if PIL and my dad didn't understand that.

This is pertinent for me because I'm 37 weeks and my mil said they 'had' to see the baby as soon as it was born at the weekend. I didn't really reply, but also need to discuss with DH.

Yanbu at all and its really sad that you're getting stressed about this at such an important time in your life. I made the mistake of allowing lots of visitors too soon and really resent the time I spent making cups of tea while my family were playing pass the parcel with my newborn. Make them wait until you are ready, they will get over it!

In an ideal world, people would always think of others before themselves. And that includes respecting decisions and boundaries put in place.

In the real world, it's not that easy. Eg when I told my parents that we would be giving the baby it's father's surname, they reacted with shock, upset and implied that the (wider) family would disown me. The phrases 'I always assumed it would be an Ourname for at least a short while' and 'you should think about our feelings about this' were used.

There has been an underriding power/control squabble going on between myself and my parents throughout this pregnancy which has really taken the shine off what should be a very exciting (albeit frightening!) time, and has actually caused a significant amount of stress.

I think it is partly that context that makes me so worried about how they will act around the baby's arrival - it's as if they either see the baby as 'theirs' or they simply cannot accept that I'm a grown up even though I'm aged 33, a homeowner with a decent career, and a part-time stepmother.

This has all got rather deep, hasn't it!

"You should think about our feelings about this"

That's really self entitled of them. I feel for you because it is hard to do what you wish when you wish to remain on good terms with them. However, don't put yourself in a position you don't want to be in if you'll resent it!

Thanks didl - essentially, I think she's trying to project this image of 'her as perfect mother' onto us to compensate for her mother being utterly utterly crap.

Her mum was very unsupportive when I was born, it seems, and she has always made a point about doing things as opposite as possible to how she was brought up. I think she sees it as healing her past perhaps?

I have two other sisters, one of whom has always said she'll be hiring in our mum for as long as possible to look after her and the baby! My mum loves the idea of this, but we simply don't have that same relationship.

Also, my DP and her don't get on amazingly so that adds to the challenge - she assumes DP will be crap, and DP assumes DM will take over and drive me/us both mad, not what we'll need.

Wow, looks like I'm in the minority as I think yabslightlyu! I'm all for laying down a law to a certain extent but for grandparents not to meet their first grandchild for 3 days? They must be so excited im not massively surprised they are disappointed.

If it was me I would offer for them to visit for a few hours but perhaps not stay. Having a baby is a change, it does need getting used to but i could still make a cup of tea for people! I loved introducing dd to everyone!

I agree Ros, and feel 3 days -point blank- is too prescriptive. As mentioned above (I know it's a long thread) I don't mind them visiting but only if it is short - we cannot have them staying and I am certain I won't want anyone there all day in those first few days at home. That is my concern.

If I was guaranteed to be in hospital for a while this defeats that as a problem as then visiting hours are very carefully dictated (by someone else!), but I do not have the confidence that they will respect a 'short-visit only while we settle in mandate'.

DP and I are now planning to leave the choice to them, they can visit in the early days (if I'm at home), but only for a short amount of time (ie 1-2 hours). If they choose to come up, then they will be welcome, but they'll also be expected to abide by the boundaries.

I'm really confused now, how is politely asking someone to wait 3 days not treating them with human decency?

Some families actively want to be surrounded by guests and extended family but some don't both are equally valid view points but its the parents who get to make this choice for them not anybody else.

I can think of no valid reason at all ( excluding any cp reasons) why on earth my desire to see a less than 3 day old baby would be more important than than my son or daughters wish not to or of any importance what so ever to the actual baby.

If I was the type of person who would then turn that into an issue for my son or daughter or my relationship with the baby then that's my responsibility and my bad behaviour the fault would lie solely on my shoulders and it would be up to me to moderate my behaviour and repair any damage.

op as much as I disagree with the more traditional way of giving a baby its fathers surname and in my household prefer to give my children my surname,it is the more usual arrangement I'm stunned that they have given you grief over this after all its my understanding that for many years its quite normal for a child to share its fathers name.

Quite aside from my personal belief about child naming the basic fact is that if unmarried legally in the absence of a court order saying otherwise it is the mothers choice ( I'm unsure of the legalities of a married father but I imagine if you retain your name as opposed to taking his at marriage then if there is a disagreement then I would have thought it would be down to who gets to the registry office first or who gets a court order).

Either way if both you and the dad agree then its naff all to do with anybody else at all and Ime people who throw about the whole disowning thing are usually best kept at arms length.