AIBU re post-birth visiting

[BraveLilBear]

I'm nearly 31 weeks with our first child (tho DP already has an 11-yo son), and I am being tortured by the pressure of visiting times after birth.

My family live a long way away (2 hours+ drive). This is a choice I made several years ago to take up particular jobs, and I have now settled here and very happy. This is my choice, and I made it at the time understanding this may restrict my support opportunities later in life.

Fast forward to the impending birth of the first baby in the next generation of my family. I understand that they can't wait to meet him or her and I, equally, can't wait to introduce him or her to its wonderful extended family. Despite the physical distance, we are fairly emotionally close and I am very blessed to have such a loving family.

However, I have serious concerns about becoming overwhelmed in the days after birth. I have never had a child before, and this will be a huge change for me, and to my relationship with my DP. I am pretty sure that I will not be in a position to play hostess whilst in pain, bleeding, tired and attempting to learn to breastfeed. DP will be trying to support me, and will also be tired. He is not exactly a great host at the best of times - there's no chance he's going to suddenly become a master at this in these circumstances.

So I have said I don't want any visitors for at least 3 days after we get home in order to adapt. Ideally it would be longer, but I think this is too selfish.

I have also said we do not want any overnight guests for at least a month, for the same reason, and that we would prefer people to come in the daytime (ie leaving before 7) so that when DP goes back to work we can have some family time in an evening and he can chill out after two long commutes a sleep-disturbed night etc.

Anyway. I have started the task of communicating this to people so they can get their heads round it. My mum, who had offered to come and stay for a week after DP goes back to work (we have declined because we can't handle anyone staying over so soon, and would want some space in the evenings), has used phrases such as 'you're going to ostracise people' and 'when you decide you want to share, I'll see if I can fit you in the diary'.

She says that she has/had expectations of suporting her daughters when they have children, and is obviously upset with me for challenging that.

The added complexity is that I could be in for 5 days or could be out in 6 hours, so I can't offer a guarantee of hospital visitation so our families can get that initial newborn baby fix.

AIBU to ask for space to settle in? I feel terrible, but also that I know we will never ever get this time again...

My parents and I didn't visit my sister and her baby for 3 days. My parents were not devastated to wait 3 days to meet the first grandchild and did not cry themselves to sleep from doing so. My Dsis needed time to recover, get to grips with breastfeeding, and spend time with Dbil. We were just thrilled for them and 3 days is nothing when you have many happy memories to come :)

YANBU. I could not stand visitors in the first few weeks. With my first, my mum came to stay for 2 weeks ( she lives onthe continent so short term visit not really an option)and DS was 2 weeks old. Never ever again. I was counting down hours for her to go home.

I honestly find the state of mind that would get a kick from not wanting to share a new baby with its wider family as soon as possible so difficult to comprehend that some of the posters on this thread might as well come from Mars. All the prescriptive bans, the restrictions on how long people can stay, the (seeming) inability to be able to empathise with those who are overjoyed at meeting their new grandchild ? I?m staggered. My DD recently had her first child, and her DF and I stayed for 2 weeks; I did all the cooking and most of the cleaning and he hoovered, walked the dog, came shopping with me etc. This meant that our DD and her DP could get to know their new baby without having to worry about any of the day-to-day trivia ? and we got to see our new DGC throughout the day. It also meant that if they were both tired, they could go for a rest and we could look after the baby for an hour or so. It was wonderful (I asked her recently for her honest thoughts and she said that she couldn?t imagine how they would have managed on their own).
Likewise, when our DDiL had our first GC a few years ago, we travelled to them (3hrs drive) as soon as our DS rang to say that she was in hospital, saw her and the baby very briefly (5 mins) and then went home with him and stayed for 2 days after she came home ? again, cooking, cleaning etc. If we had been told that we weren?t wanted, and that we couldn?t meet our first GC until weeks later, I have no idea what I would have done ? but I would certainly have been heart-broken, not least because it would have meant that our relationship with our DS had broken down irretrievably. Everyone is different, but that doesn?t make the views of those who appear (from this thread) to be the minority invalid.

OP, please don?t make decisions now that will affect the lives of everyone involved for ever ? if you don?t want people staying that?s fine (although actually, if they do stay, they will probably act more like useful members of the family and less like visitors) and you certainly don?t have to ?play hostess? - don?t be afraid to tell people what needs doing... but do let them meet your baby and absorb him/her into your family ? after all, he/she is going to be part of what you describe as a close and loving family for the rest of their life. I hope that all goes well for you

I think a lot of the difference of opinion is from those who had family who arrived in the first few days/hours, but only stayed for 30mins/an hour is missing that if you have family who live a long way away from you, it's not practical to expect them to drive 3 hours to only visit for 30minutes, so you are assuming the visit will be more like a whole day. If you need to be prescriptive ("no overnight guests, only visiting for a couple of hours, I will not cook you any meals") that means that you know the family involved enough to know if you didn't say this, they would expect to stay overnight and visit for more than a couple of hours and expect you to be up cooking them dinner.

Someone who sits on your sofa, "looking after the baby for you" while you run round after them is not a help, or will think it's appropriate to stay after 7pm with someone who's just been through birth, or will make pointed comments about the state of your house , they are someone who you need to keep away from you in the first few days, regardless of their relationship to you/the baby. If grandparents are like this, then unfortunately, their desire to see the baby has to come second to the health and happiness of the new mother and her baby.

Anyone who makes you feel judged or think their desire for a cuddle with the baby should trump your need to establish breastfeeding thinks they are more important than the baby, or they are more important to the baby than the mother. These are not people you should particularly worry about offending.

IME - it's far easier to put in rules then back down if you feel great, than to not put in rules then try to put in restrictions when you are feeling like shit.

Very measured, thoughtful and helpful post, DontMind.

I think it has to be equal on both sides. I would like some time to rest and bond before my mum and dad descend on me (PILs will be looking after older DC's so a bit different, can't really justify telling them to pass children through the window and banish them for weeks) but at the same time I wouldn't expect them to drop everything and come over the minute I decided I was ready. My mum and dad came when DH went back to work last time (DS3 was 12 days old) to help out with school run. They came earlier with previous DS's and it was all a bit much tbh.

I think visitors who help (properly help) are usually welcomed a lot sooner than visitors who expect to be waited on which is as it should be. I wouldn't mind people coming and helping soon after the birth but the ones who just want to sit and cuddle the baby and demand food can wait until I'm ready to play hostess.

Finally the voice of reason, SueDuko.

Just read through the rest and would second Dontmind's post.

Only YOU know your relatives. Think how they are when they've visited, either staying or dropping in, before. How were they for your wedding (if you're married)? I certainly noticed a direct correlation between those who were a unhelpful at other events and those who "offered" so, so kindly, "I'll hold the baby, so you can get X done."

I don't get all the people heart-broken people (grandmothers) who had to wait before seeing the newborn. Sure, it's NICE to see the newborn and makes them feel special, but this isn't about them. It really isn't. At all. They already held a newborn, at least one, when they had one if their own. There is nothing that says that GPs, or anybody else (mother, father, baby's siblings excluded) have this "right" and it needs to be treated with reverence.

In other cultures grandmothers, female relatives and neighbours may well be more included, but they're also expected to be around during the pregnancy and postnatal periods actively HELPING, not just inconveniencing the mother in order to have a wee cuddle.

After a horrific experience in my postnatal period, this time I'm doing it exactly my way. If that upsets people, I'm genuinely sorry, I wish they weren't upset. However, with the choice between upsetting others, or being upset at such an important time in my and my husband's life, I choose to avoid what will make me (and him) unhappy. And for that I feel not a shred of guilt - unusually for me!!

However, with the choice between upsetting others, or being upset at such an important time in my and my husband's life, I choose to avoid what will make me (and him) unhappy

This.

Cantreachmytoes - oh, a correlation between wedding and new baby, of course! My mum at my wedding: complained about everything, it was all done differently with less fuss in her day, mentioned that her mum just organised it all with minimum fuss but didn't actually offer to do anything practical herself, told me I could probably save money if I shopped around for XYZ, but wasn't prepared to shop around for XYZ herself... MIL, fitted in with what we wanted, put together 80 wedding favour boxes, collected the cakes and put them together without any bother or acting like it was in anyway hard work.

New baby - my mum rocks up at hospital, takes baby I'm failing to latch off me, thinks it's rediculous she's been made to use hand gel stuff in the hospital (mid swine flu outbreak!), terrible they can't stay longer than hospital visiting hours after a long drive (I did tell them), later comes to my house (over a week later, thank god for the snow that kept everyone away!), sits on sofa from 10am - 6pm, while complaining that I have the wrong sort of milk and tea in and surprised we weren't doing a full meal at lunch - keeps telling me I should put DS out in the garden where I won't hear him cry if it upsets me.

MIL - Calls DH from the hospital carpark to check we're still happy for them to visit. Waits to be offered a cuddle, asks me if I mind her taking a photo of me, DS and DH. Tells me she's informed BIL to stay away as he has a bit of a cold. Waits to be invited to visit at our house, any only stays for a couple of hours, pretends not to notice the mess our house is in. She offers to take DH's shirts home to be ironed so he's got them sorted post paternity leave. Brings cake with her. Asks anything she can do to help.

Yep, it's a good sign of who you should and shouldn't have around!!! Why had I not seen this before???

That wedding/newborn comparison is very very apt.

DM - helpful, but strictly on her terms, and in expectation of significant gratitude.

FIL - very strong views on things and the right way to do things. More interested in his own comfort and appearances than those of other interested parties, cost, practicalities, etc.

I totally would go with the wedding/ newborn comparison.

Every family is different, and what works well for some (such as the example given by SueDoku) isn't necessarily right for others.

Relatives should be guided by what the couple decide. Having a new baby is enough to think about, without having to appease everyone else.

haven't read the whole thread so apologies but this is something I feel really strongly about.

YANBU

Before DD1 was born I told my parents (who live over 2 hour drive away) that we didn't want visitors for a week or so & no overnight for a while. so when my husband called to tell them she'd been born (on a Thursday night) dad asked if they could come on Saturday. We said no, it caused a bit on tension but am glad I did. Newborns are so dull I genuinely don't get this desire to see them immediately. Plus pass the parcel is really bad for them as far as establishing feeding etc.

fastforward to now and dc2 was due Saturday (still pg). My parents were suppose to be away this week and next but now not, so mum happily announces they'll be able to "pop down for an hour" whenever. I immediately said we'll need time etc etc but don't think she heard.

I had real trouble with breast feeding last time, I think partly cos I tried to get back to 'normal' too soon (I was in Tesco with a 2 day old). This time I want to concentrate on my little family and making sure dd1 is secure not on playing hostess

You refused to allow your parents to "pop in for an hour" to se you and your new baby?

I really can't believe what I'm reading on here. I feel like starting a thread where people can post about positive experiences they've had with introducing new babies to family members/getting support from family.

I have 3 sons and dread to think this will be me in a few years' time.

Brave, agree with all who say play it by ear.

But re your mum - is there any reason why you don't tell her explicitly to get a B&B/Travel Lodge after the birth so you don't have anyone staying overnight? I know it's an obvious solution, but she may just assume she will stay in your house. It's even possible she thinks that it would be a bit rude to use a hotel when she visits you.

YANBU when I had DD1 I did the same thing and people thought I was being terrible. W had grandparents come and visit and that's it. I know some people will be hurt but tough. I had just had a section, was sore, shattered and breastfeeding. Te way I saw it aswell was that I know people have been excited to meet her but me and DP have been waiting 9m so our time is a bit more important in the first days then Auntie sue who we seen every blue moon.

Enjoy your time with your baby because it goes so so fast. Don't let anyone change what choices you want to make

SueDoku You post on Saturday was interesting, but it's clear it stems from the nice person you are.

There are so many people here who don't have nice people as parents, ILs or other family, and the restrictions, bans, etc from the new parents are aimed at reducing the impact of the toxic behaviour from these parents, ILs, etc. It's sad, but a toxic person will not suddenly become a model of good behaviour just by becoming a grandparent.

I was lucky with my parents and ILs, but a friend of mine had problems with her own mum (her ILs were great). Her mum was monopolising the baby to the point that baby had to be grabbed back in order to be fed. That behaviour directly impacts on the baby's wellbeing, so I was not surprised when my friend told me she had banned her mother from visiting.

I don't think YABU. My mil was a pain when DS was born. She brought her other grandchildren to the hospital and had a tantrum when they weren't allowed in.

Came to the house and sat through a midwife visit and didn't think she should give us some privacy. It has damaged our relationship as we got on great before. Put you foot down and get DH to do the same.

My parents will not drive 2.5 hours, to "pop in for an hour" & leave. They will be here all day electing me to be up & down making them cup of tea while they cuddle baby, who probably just went to sleep. This is what happened last time so I know from experience.

my friend has a mum who arrives, cleans her house from top to bottom, makes their diner, takes toddler to nursery. I don't, so yes I will restrict their visits. they have come to our house 7 times since dd1 (2.5 was born) so it's not like they're here all the time helping out

Splatt's parents are like mine. And realistically, no one drives for 2-3 hours each way for a 30minute to an hour visit, they just don't. Anyone with family who live that far away are assuming a long visit. half a day at least.

My parents aren't bad people, they aren't toxic and nothing like the stately homes threads on here, but just a bit self absorbed and very hard work. Of all the people who are holding their parents at arms length seem to have a similar story, they don't want to cut them out completely but just need to be on top form to deal with them.

Numberlock - you would only have to worry about being managed like this if by the time your DSs are adults and having DCs, your DS and DIL have already realised you're someone who is a problem that has to be "managed" and will overstep, be a burden on them so they want to wait until they are physically and mentally able to deal with you. Don't be like that and it won't happen to you. (with the possible exception of your DS marrying a woman with parents like mine and they feel they have to put in the same rules for both sets of parents to be fair, which is hard on you, but hopefully you'll have raised your boys to be able to tell you this and you'll want to help support them with their nightmare MILs rather than put yourself first)

BTW - my MIL is nothing like my DM in the hard work stakes, therefore this time round, she's the one who's going to have DS overnight, will be invited to the hospital first (DH is under strict instructions he has to be there when my parents are in order to control their behaviour if I'm in no fit state, no fear for his mum), I've no worries about her visiting in the first few weeks. this isn't a "mother of daughter vs mother of son" thing.

I haven't read all of the thread, but for me, I had my DM come up to stay with us on my due date as I wanted her to be at the birth with DH and I. DM then stayed for almost two weeks. If she lived close by, I would have preferred her to come over and visit than to actually live with us, but she lives hours away. DM helped making sure I put my feet up and did the washing, hoovering, cleaning up etc and DH did the cooking.

I had Dh's brother and sisters round on day 2 and this was pretty awful as they were just sat there and there was nowhere for me to sit down and they didn't offer me a seat, and Dh's sisters boyfriend was there too and he made some comments about the size of my tummy.

I also had Dh's dad round and he upset me the most as he kept wanting to give DS a bottle and at this time I was trying to bf (although that never happened in the end).

Next time, I will have DM, but the in laws will have time limits put on their visits.

Really I think it depends on the visitor and how helpful and respectful they are as to whether you want them in your face after giving birth!

Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for all your posts. I couldn't get on over the weekend and I'm blown away by all your responses.

This has given me so much food for thought, and I am very grateful. I've had a long conversation with DP about this and we have come to some conclusions.

Letting the grandparents come for a short visit is fine - the same rules will apply to DM and DF, and to the ILs, even tho ILs live round the corner (and will be no fuss at all).

We will probably ask other visitors to give us some space for a few days, although may phrase it in a 'we have no idea how we'll be feeling, we'd really appreciate it if you could bear with us until we can handle having a house full'.

I would love it if DM could come and stay for a few days, but I do tend to find her visits stressful at the best of times, and I am worried that we would clash. DP and I are not yet married, but she practically took over my sister's wedding last year, and even started referring to it as 'her wedding'.

She gets very militaristic and stressy, often combined with a smile that (god forgive me) I can only describe as a fake 'I'm a martyr' smile and this stresses me out no end. We experienced this a lot at a festival - DP and I had to frequently remove ourselves from her presence as everything was such a drama.

This is what I worry about: Early in my pregnancy (9 weeks) I ended up in hospital for emergency surgery on an abscess. She drove up that day, despite me saying visiting hours were strictly between x and y, and she arrived I think, during a meal time - ie a strict 'no visitors' time. I could hear her at the nurses station demanding to see me as she'd just driven all this way, and repeatedly requesting to speak to the nurse in charge. I was dying of embarrassment (was next to nurses station). They eventually let her in for five minutes and she was huffing and puffing about their rules. Thing is, she used to be a nurse on a ward herself.

It breaks my heart but DP and I simply cannot trust her to come and genuinely help, even though I'm sure she would try. She also has a track record of making a big deal about how amazingly selfless she is, when it's clear that her motivation is as much for people to like her as it is to do genuine good.

I would love for my parents to see their grandchild asap, but am deeply concerned that they will over-stay their welcome and that even a couple of hours 'won't be enough' and we'll never hear the end of it. However, it's a risk we'll have to take as I don't want to be seen to be blocking them from their first grandchild.

I think it's a good idea to start sowing the seeds now that we're probably going to want some space in the immediate aftermath, and that we really hope people will try and be patient with us while we work out what's best.

I am so excited to be a mum, but I am also scared to death of the amount of change I will have to adjust to in a very short period of time - all whilst being tired, bleeding and hormonal.

Really grateful for all your insights and experiences...