AIBU re post-birth visiting

[BraveLilBear]

I'm nearly 31 weeks with our first child (tho DP already has an 11-yo son), and I am being tortured by the pressure of visiting times after birth.

My family live a long way away (2 hours+ drive). This is a choice I made several years ago to take up particular jobs, and I have now settled here and very happy. This is my choice, and I made it at the time understanding this may restrict my support opportunities later in life.

Fast forward to the impending birth of the first baby in the next generation of my family. I understand that they can't wait to meet him or her and I, equally, can't wait to introduce him or her to its wonderful extended family. Despite the physical distance, we are fairly emotionally close and I am very blessed to have such a loving family.

However, I have serious concerns about becoming overwhelmed in the days after birth. I have never had a child before, and this will be a huge change for me, and to my relationship with my DP. I am pretty sure that I will not be in a position to play hostess whilst in pain, bleeding, tired and attempting to learn to breastfeed. DP will be trying to support me, and will also be tired. He is not exactly a great host at the best of times - there's no chance he's going to suddenly become a master at this in these circumstances.

So I have said I don't want any visitors for at least 3 days after we get home in order to adapt. Ideally it would be longer, but I think this is too selfish.

I have also said we do not want any overnight guests for at least a month, for the same reason, and that we would prefer people to come in the daytime (ie leaving before 7) so that when DP goes back to work we can have some family time in an evening and he can chill out after two long commutes a sleep-disturbed night etc.

Anyway. I have started the task of communicating this to people so they can get their heads round it. My mum, who had offered to come and stay for a week after DP goes back to work (we have declined because we can't handle anyone staying over so soon, and would want some space in the evenings), has used phrases such as 'you're going to ostracise people' and 'when you decide you want to share, I'll see if I can fit you in the diary'.

She says that she has/had expectations of suporting her daughters when they have children, and is obviously upset with me for challenging that.

The added complexity is that I could be in for 5 days or could be out in 6 hours, so I can't offer a guarantee of hospital visitation so our families can get that initial newborn baby fix.

AIBU to ask for space to settle in? I feel terrible, but also that I know we will never ever get this time again...

How was her mum unsupportive?

I didn't want/need support-not to the extent of helping out.

I did want GPs to be interested & visit regularly though-and being involved with stuff when we saw them.

But I never wanted them to come for the sole purpose of doing stuff for me iyswim-although I'm sure they would have if I've asked.

There's a difference between being available if wanted and doing stuff-wanted or not-because your own mum didn't!!

It's sad really, because it sounds as if although she is so desperate to be different to her mum-the end result is the same!

I am having my sixth baby soon. I have learnt to say that I don't want any visitors for at least a few days probably a couple weeks it's straight to the point but isn't too exact so if I feel better than I thought I would they can come over earlier.
People that stay half an hour and make tea and buy me a cake get invited first of course.
I dont care one bit if people think I am a miserable cow for saying it because if they had spent anytime at all with me in the 9 months leading up to the birth they would already know that about me anyway.
Your stepson should be an exception of course, he should be made to feel important and included as soon as possible but I am sure you realise that.

You've hit the nail on the head there diddl - I think my relationship with her challenges her the most for this reason due to the many parallels between her and her mum. She moved away from home, I have, she's the first of her family to have kids, I am, etc.

Her mum refused to visit her, relying on my mum to do 90% of the visits and then whingeing if she didn't go down enough - another parallel that is ringing true at the moment. Conversely, my other two sisters live much closer by, are more willing to be 'mothered' ie take washing round and go home for mum love when times are bad, whereas I just try to get on with things myself.

I think my DM would have loved to have had some support after I was born, but never had that opportunity, and that's partly the reason why she 'expected' to be able to help with us.

my parents came to stay the week before my due date, came to see DD and I in the hospital the night she was born and the next day then drove back home to Scotland. They then came back 3 weeks later for Christmas and stayed for a week. This worked perfectly for us but both my mum and dad just get on and do stuff and don't need waited on.

PIL (who live locally) also came to visit whilst in hospital and then popped in for short visits afterwards but I can't remember much about them so it can't have been too traumatic!

I think it sounds like your mum has a great idea of how she wants to be supportive to you, without bothering to think if it will actually be supportive to you - because acting like your DP will be useless, undermining him etc will not be a support to you in the long run.

It's also hard if she wants to continue with the "being useful" thing and being different to her mum that you don't want that. I know that MIL found it hard that DH moved away and coped fine without her help, whereas DBIL moved back in post uni and she looked after him, only moving out to move in with a woman who clearly looks after him (he doesn't do cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc).

Sounds as though she's not coping with the not being needed by you.

And now that you're about to have a baby it has really hit home.

My husband hadn't needed his mum for years, but she didn't actually realise it until we married & I moved in.

I'm sure my husband's parents always thought that it was his duty to visit.

But it became a case off get off your arses or don't see him/GC as often as you want.

I haven't read the whole thread but I'm going to be controversial and say I'd prefer to get visitors over and done with within the first couple of days. Disclaimer: I was lucky enough to have 2 straightforward births so haven't had to deal with cs recovery etc. For me, I still had that post birth euphoria and energy, the cumulative sleep deprivation hadn't kicked in, milk not in yet and before hormone crash at day 3-10 ish. Plus visitors at that earlier stage can tend to be more understanding about helping out/bringing food whereas a few weeks later they expect to be waited on more (in my limited experience)

DS1 was born at 2am. I was discharged at 9am, 7 hours after he was born.

DXM & DXF arrived at 4pm - after driving four hours from Manchester (with my brother and his GF) and stayed until 11pm - at least they didn't want to stay with us. My dad made a big fuss that DH and I hadn't made any dinner, cue us arranging a Chinese Meal Takeaway and then insisted that DH go off to the local pub for a cigar to "wet the baby's head", leaving me at home trying to fend off my rather drunk and maudlin mother.

I was exhausted and have actually never forgiven them for this intrusion. Stick to your guns, whatever you decide, it's YOUR choice.

You're right. They're wrong. Hormones, labour and new babies are hard enough without family crap! Plus, new babies ought not be exposed to sniffly old people anyway. Lol
I told people I needed a week but then changed my mind. 3 days is nothing!

Bear you've described my relationship with my mother down to a t. Also live far away and have siblings who like to be mothered close to her!
My DD is 14 weeks and me and DP had exactly the same discussion. As it turned out I had to be induced so I called them that evening and asked if they wanted to come down.
I had a difficult time so DP was mainly with me in hospital so not home much with them. They helped out with picking him up and taking him to hospital and even to the pub! His DM took a massive step back and has been useless ever since.
My parents were amazing at home stayed for four days. They made tea for visitors cooked for us and did tge washing. Exactly what family should do!
MIL on the other hand demanded a cup of tea and said the house was a bit messy. As I said she's turned very weird. I think its jealousy.
At times when you need family you'll be surprised by who steps up
Your doing the right thing by just leaving it flexible and see how you feel.
My relationship between me and DM has been amazing since.

I'm 40 weeks pregnant with my first. As I have no way of knowing how the birth will be or how I'll be feeling I thought it best to tell family that we'll let them know when we feel ready for visitors.

They all say they totally understand, my mother and MIL are fine with it. It's not being selfish at all. Everyone has a different experience of birth, if you lucky enough to be up and ready for visitors great. But if you've had a tough time, are sore hormonal and just want time to recover and get used to being a parent, who the hell has the right to intrude!

I've kept up reading the rest of the thread with interest....am I alone then in thinking that visitors being asked to do housework is odd...unless you are a single parent etc. then I would be pretty put outbid I turned up to visit a baby and was asked to do the hoovering instead! Bringing a meal is pretty normal I think, but I've only ever heard of guests doing housework on mumsnet!

Sorry was meant to say 'I would be pretty put out if'

God made a right mess of that post...I meant to say what do your DPs do when the visitors are there if the visitors are making there own tea?!

You're seeing it from your side - your Mum is seeing it from her side.
When you're in your Mums position you'll see it differently.
I couldn't wait to share our wonderful babies with their excited family and when my dds gave birth, they too wanted to do the same.
But we are all different.

Shellsocks - but would you claim to be visiting "to help" and then be annoyed that you were expected to help? Quite frankly, noone who has just had a baby is up for entertaining, or if they are, I've not met them. Some will put up with it in order to show off the baby, but it's family who insist they are 'helping' by cuddling a baby while the mum (who would otherwise just put her feet up cuddling her own baby watching whatever crap is on TV) is a help to her.

I think if you set down stringent requests like this, you may be making a big mistake. People want to celebrate your new arrival and maybe it would be best to let them do it by visiting. Staying over is a different matter, a little too intrusive for me. But IME the world and its cat want to see your new baby, get it over and done with.

My BIL and SIL had twins, didn't let us see them til they were 6 weeks, I can't be bothered with them at all, I still feel slighted at this.

But I'm asking what does the DP do? I was pretty immobile so I sat still while looking after DS or talking to visitors while they held him...my DH did housework, made cuppas etc?

YABU/YANBU
I wish I had my mother around for a few days after DS was born. My father saw DS when he was hours old (came to the hospital) but the only person I wanted was my mum. MIL came to see him at the hospital and then again when he was 10 days old but expected me to make tea etc... If your mum is offering to be helpful, take her up on the offer.
Oh and even the people FF stayed in longer than six hours, everyone who gave had a baby as the same day as DS was born were there 24 hours after the babies were born.

Shellsocks - not all couples can afford the dad to take a full fortnight off, either financially or because of work pressures. Plus, not being too funny, but paternity leave should also be for the Dad's benefit, doing housework, fine - once that's done, rather than also having cuddles with his newborn child, being expected to entertain a never ending stream of visitors? how is that fair?

Actually OP, is your mum basing her "you'll need help" from not only thinking your DP will be crap at looking after you, but forgetting that these days there is paternity leave?

I agree there will always be exceptions but its quite a common comment here that visitors should only be allowed if they do housework, don't think they will all fall into an exception!

And re entertaining visitors on paternity leave I think we will have agree to disagree on that one as this thread demonstrates...some people think it's ok and a lot of others think you should be left alone for weeks!

Melika - Correct me if I'm wrong but are you stating you can't be bothered with your twin niece/nephews because you felt put out because you had to wait 6weeks to meet them

It sounds like your mum is as self-obsessed as her own mum, but is acting it out under a different guise.

I personally loved having family visitors to show off my baby and I really really didn't expect to feel like that beforehand! However, I had a definite meltdown on day 3 when the hormones, milk, lack of sleep, attempt at hostessing etc all collided in to one snotty mess. My Mum promptly packed me and the baby off to bed and sorted out everyone else. She was brilliant.

Can you turn the whole thing around a bit and make your Mum feel unique and helpful within your own boundaries? I mean, instead of saying what she CAN'T do, come up with a list of things that ONLY she can do and keep laying on thick how helpful that would be?

I am thinking of things like... cooking stuff for the freezer, picking up a newspaper on the day of the baby's birth so you can keep it, taking charge of collecting addresses together for all the family friends she wants to be notified of the baby's arrival (and get her to send out a picture to them that you choose so she REALLY feels like this is her moment in front of her own mates!), cleaning the kitchen/bathroom/whatever, washing a bundle of newborn clothes in advance, keeping a note of all the 'firsts' the baby does when you call to tell her about them so that they can be collated in to a 'first year' book, making sure that everyone else knows that you need rest, bringing a cake to that barbecue etc.

I would also emphasise that your midwife has suggested you need some extra bonding time with your stepson and the baby as a family only, which makes sense but you know is hard for everyone else. However, as she is so important, of course she will be able to pop in for a couple of hours etc etc. and you would really appreciate her help in telling others that only select few (gps) can come in that first few days/week.

I also wouldn't wait for her to offer to stay in a B&B. If you have one nearby and are happy for her to stay there, then give her the details and say that you really appreciate them making the trip but of course (as a mother) she understands that a new baby is so disruptive at night for those first few weeks and therefore no-one is coming to stay but if she wants to stay locallly she is more than welcome.

Oh, and another thing that I bet is bugging her... if you live closer to your inlaws then she will be SPITTING with rage and jealousy at the thought that they might see more of her precious grandchild than she does. That is insane and completely not your problem. However, some subtle "of course dp's parents have said they will only pop in once a week at the start to give us time to bond" might be good!