AIBU re post-birth visiting

[BraveLilBear]

I'm nearly 31 weeks with our first child (tho DP already has an 11-yo son), and I am being tortured by the pressure of visiting times after birth.

My family live a long way away (2 hours+ drive). This is a choice I made several years ago to take up particular jobs, and I have now settled here and very happy. This is my choice, and I made it at the time understanding this may restrict my support opportunities later in life.

Fast forward to the impending birth of the first baby in the next generation of my family. I understand that they can't wait to meet him or her and I, equally, can't wait to introduce him or her to its wonderful extended family. Despite the physical distance, we are fairly emotionally close and I am very blessed to have such a loving family.

However, I have serious concerns about becoming overwhelmed in the days after birth. I have never had a child before, and this will be a huge change for me, and to my relationship with my DP. I am pretty sure that I will not be in a position to play hostess whilst in pain, bleeding, tired and attempting to learn to breastfeed. DP will be trying to support me, and will also be tired. He is not exactly a great host at the best of times - there's no chance he's going to suddenly become a master at this in these circumstances.

So I have said I don't want any visitors for at least 3 days after we get home in order to adapt. Ideally it would be longer, but I think this is too selfish.

I have also said we do not want any overnight guests for at least a month, for the same reason, and that we would prefer people to come in the daytime (ie leaving before 7) so that when DP goes back to work we can have some family time in an evening and he can chill out after two long commutes a sleep-disturbed night etc.

Anyway. I have started the task of communicating this to people so they can get their heads round it. My mum, who had offered to come and stay for a week after DP goes back to work (we have declined because we can't handle anyone staying over so soon, and would want some space in the evenings), has used phrases such as 'you're going to ostracise people' and 'when you decide you want to share, I'll see if I can fit you in the diary'.

She says that she has/had expectations of suporting her daughters when they have children, and is obviously upset with me for challenging that.

The added complexity is that I could be in for 5 days or could be out in 6 hours, so I can't offer a guarantee of hospital visitation so our families can get that initial newborn baby fix.

AIBU to ask for space to settle in? I feel terrible, but also that I know we will never ever get this time again...

YANBU, but I said that I didn't want any visitors for a week, yet changed my mind when the baby arrived and we needed supplies/an extra pair of hands.

Maybe you'll feel differently after the birth.

With our first we asked for no visitor for the first two weeks! We didn't even answer phone calls for those weeks either - just had a message on the answer phone saying thanks for ringing, we just getting to know our new DS and will ring back in the next week or so. The only exception to this was a couple of short M/MIL visits lasting an hour or so - they came bearing food and cleaned the house.

With the following three baby boys, we were more into the swing of things and allowed a little more contact but still kept things low key, putting ourselves under no pressure. The most important thing is bonding with the baby and not feeling overwhelmed with fulfilling various duties.

Apologise to your mum. Say you are sorry you can't do what she wants and you are not prepared to argue or get upset about it. State you need to put your needs and babies needs first.

Nobody is suggesting depriving grandparents of meeting there grandchild just asking them to wait 72 hours.

And it wouldn't bother me in the slightest

I think a few people on this thread sound a tad controlling and joyless. Seeing my best friend hold my youngest son an hour after he was born (at home mind you so easier I think) is honestly one of the loveliest memories I have. Mind you I had a plasterer and a carpenter here upstairs whilst I had the baby so I think I may be relaxed in extremis

I have had a lot of children and the more I have had the less and less rules I apply - a baby is a joy and absolute gift to be shared.

And if I were a Granny I would be really upset to wait 3 days to see my grandchild - might make me a selfish cow but it would hurt and unless someone is poorly there is no need other than people exerting control unnecessarily.

I think you are over thinking it.
I agree with no overnight visitors, but will you not really want your parents to meet your baby as soon as possible and share your joy with them?

I have friends who are grans who get summoned to visit at a certain time, days after the birth and are expected to drop all their commitments and jump now. Oh and jump again when the new parents decide they need help urgently a few days later.

You never know, the visitors may be helpful!

Why fluffy? Exactly what difference does 3 days make?

I have a photo of me holding my neice about 4 hours old in hospital - its a special photo for both of us. It was lovely.

We only stayed about 30 mins though.

How can others be so definitive about what is right or wrong or you OP? It confuses the hell out of me because surely it comes down to your specific relationship with your family, how you feel at the time etc.

Having a child made me feel very vulnerable and whereas before DC's I was concerned about my mum taking over suddenly I really wanted my mum to take some of the responsibility. Of course now he's a bit older I'm back to getting a bit irritated!

As for not telling family when your child is born (one suggestion) or not allowing them to even visit (maybe with rules) in the first few days, well I guess that works for people who don't have a close relationship with their parents or who have specific issues. I guess if thats the norm then thats OK - I assume you'll be fine with it in your children too. It wouldn't be for us.

So do what works for you but be open as others have said to realising it isn't what you actually want at all.

For all the horrendous post-birth stories, the majority of visitors in my experience are kind and caring and lovely.

Sock - for the same reason I'd be upset at being invited by my daughter to celebrate her marriage three days after she got married. If you are a close family, you want to be a part of lifes major ups and down of the people you love. Not a bystander.

If not that close then I can see why it wouldn't matter.

I'm very close to my family and it wouldn't bother me at all.

Yanbu at all, it's entirely up to you as an when you want visitors after the birth.
For a first time mum to be, you seem very clued up, wish I had have been like this before my dcs births!

I had my ils decend upon me each and every time, bringing one of their other gc grrr. Expecting ME to make tea and placate them, along with sil who used to turn up with 3 kids in toe. So my large living room turned into a small living room with 7 extra people crowding me, newborn & my other dc. With dc3 they didn't bog off until 8pm and decided to scrounge our Chinese dh had ordered. Now pregnant with dc5 I am going to be like you op, and lay down the law from the minute they find out

OP i totally understand your concerns but I promise, you will look back and it will seem such a small detail in your life - I felt the same with my first son but next time I have a baby I will not worry beforehand, just make sure I say no if I don't feel like seeing people.

These little details about no evening visitors - wait and see how you feel at the time. You might want a break - I have to admit I didn't like having friends over in the evening as that is a real bad time for baby crying - but I did like having my family there as they would get the dinner ready.

I hate to tell you this but your partner will not be relaxing in the evening! Babies cry, you will be breastfeeding non bloody stop as the baby cluster feeds - you might want a break from baby but be too tired to cook - so partner is holding the baby - its great to ahve someone else to help feed you all!

never ever be afraid to retreat to your bedroom - I did that when I wanted to feed the baby and male in laws etc were round - cant believe I even worried beforehand about that.

I really wanted people to meet the baby in the first few days! short visits and support from family - please try to focus on the fact that it is a joyful time! lots of luck xxx

And not to mention the pass the parcel handling of my newborn dc I had straight after coming home, no wonder bf didn't work out for me with dc4.

I would agree that as someone above says - the vast majority of visitors are kind and considerate and so excited to be part of a beautiful moment in your life.

People are more likely to talk online about bad experiences - but try not to let that take over your mind!

If I ever become a grandparent I will wait until I'm asked to visit / help. I could never put my children through what I went through.

Being watched as I threw up (in great pain) in high dependency hours after my section while everyone made small talk around me was one of the loneliest and shittiest experiences I ever had to go through. It was like being hit by a bus and then being expected to smile and chat to people .

I will get counselling about this one day and stop banging on about it on these threads .

YANBU. Wish i had put my foot down more tbh, and I certainly will on my next child.

MIL still wingeing that she didn't get to see gd as a newborn. FFS she was 8 days old, how much more bloody newborn did she want

Next time, I'm saying, keep the hell away for at least 3 weeks

YANBU - you don't know how you will be feeling and may want space. I definitely would not agree to any overnight visitors! I think it makes sense to let people know in advance that you hope to have some settling time, but agree with previous posters to leave it open so that if you do decide you want visitors after a day you can invite them then.

With ds1 we were in Scotland so he didn't meet my mum until about 5 weeks, inlaws until 6 weeks (when we visited them in England) and my dad and step-mum (and the rest of my extended family in NZ) until 4 months. They all survived!

With ds2 nearly everyone visited in the hospital the day he arrived (in-laws visited for 11 weeks but not staying with us) and had everyone round to the house for a couple of hours the day we got home. However it would have been completely overwhelming first time round.

Good luck!

miaow & meglet It sounds like you had absolutely horrific experiences, but the problem there is the people around you. It is not a given that visitors in the first few days will be bullying or unpleasant or make new mothers feel shit.

I had a EMCS under general, my mum had come to the hospital (I had no idea she was even there) and drove home in the early hours of the morning. The next morning, she drove 40 minutes back to bring me lip balm and yogurt to eat because my throat was too sore from the intubation tube to eat the toast and I couldn't get anything else on the ward or move. My MIL cooked every meal for H&I for two weeks, looked after DC so H could help me shower, made about 5,000 cups of tea, fetched me things, looked after visitors, did laundry, tidied up. I was planning a homebirth and was in severe shock. I'm very glad I didn't tell people in advance they wouldn't be allowed to see us for X days ...

FFS she was 8 days old, how much more bloody newborn did she want
Less than 8 days obviously Was it her first? God, I'd feel really hurt if I was kept away from my DC for over a week when they become a parent.

I think you will actually find you want them to visit in the first few days as you will want them to see the baby. However if they are happy to be around to do that, they need to be in a nearby hotel and pop in for short visits as and when you want them.

People staying - no way - not for at least a few weeks if you can avoid it.

Miaow: I feel sad that you have a poor relationship, for whatever reason, with your DM or MIL.

I suppose we are all thinking of our own experiences with family.

I am blessed to be on such good terms with my DDs.
They would be horrified if I hadn't immediately dropped everything to visit them and meet the newborns asap.

My parents came to stay for 5 nights day after I brought baby home they were helpful, went and bought things I had forgotten, made tea, held baby so we could sleep/shower! If my daughter has a baby I would want to meet it asap and help out as much as I could, it's a big thing and I think natural your mum would want to share that time with you.

That being said, if people are going to expect to be looked after then all bets are off! Our visitors brought useful presents and helped us! I don't think I have offered guests a cup of tea in the 4 weeks since having baby.

Give yourself a bit of room to see what your hormones are doing. Day 1-3 I was tired but pretty hyperactive, day 3 was a bit of a crash for me, milk coming in and just downright emotional. It's different for everyone and won't necessarily be the same for you but a bit of visiting in hospital with set times (and a midwife to blame for kicking them out) might be preferable to visits at home when your settling in.