AIBU re post-birth visiting

[BraveLilBear]

I'm nearly 31 weeks with our first child (tho DP already has an 11-yo son), and I am being tortured by the pressure of visiting times after birth.

My family live a long way away (2 hours+ drive). This is a choice I made several years ago to take up particular jobs, and I have now settled here and very happy. This is my choice, and I made it at the time understanding this may restrict my support opportunities later in life.

Fast forward to the impending birth of the first baby in the next generation of my family. I understand that they can't wait to meet him or her and I, equally, can't wait to introduce him or her to its wonderful extended family. Despite the physical distance, we are fairly emotionally close and I am very blessed to have such a loving family.

However, I have serious concerns about becoming overwhelmed in the days after birth. I have never had a child before, and this will be a huge change for me, and to my relationship with my DP. I am pretty sure that I will not be in a position to play hostess whilst in pain, bleeding, tired and attempting to learn to breastfeed. DP will be trying to support me, and will also be tired. He is not exactly a great host at the best of times - there's no chance he's going to suddenly become a master at this in these circumstances.

So I have said I don't want any visitors for at least 3 days after we get home in order to adapt. Ideally it would be longer, but I think this is too selfish.

I have also said we do not want any overnight guests for at least a month, for the same reason, and that we would prefer people to come in the daytime (ie leaving before 7) so that when DP goes back to work we can have some family time in an evening and he can chill out after two long commutes a sleep-disturbed night etc.

Anyway. I have started the task of communicating this to people so they can get their heads round it. My mum, who had offered to come and stay for a week after DP goes back to work (we have declined because we can't handle anyone staying over so soon, and would want some space in the evenings), has used phrases such as 'you're going to ostracise people' and 'when you decide you want to share, I'll see if I can fit you in the diary'.

She says that she has/had expectations of suporting her daughters when they have children, and is obviously upset with me for challenging that.

The added complexity is that I could be in for 5 days or could be out in 6 hours, so I can't offer a guarantee of hospital visitation so our families can get that initial newborn baby fix.

AIBU to ask for space to settle in? I feel terrible, but also that I know we will never ever get this time again...

YANBU. Sorry your DM is being such a pain.

Perhaps just smile through it and say - just until we've had a few days bonding - can't wait to see you after that!

If your mum has history of being hard work, then put in boundaries and keep her at arms length. You don't need this at this time.

Also worth remembering, this is the point when you become the 'mum of hte family' and she's "relegated" to grandmother of the family - you get to make the decisions, it might be hard for her to get used to that idea, best you do'nt let her override what you want.

I suggest for the 2 weeks DH is off work, he acts as gatekeeper, answering the phone, dealing with them if need be. To outsiders it might look like controlling, but if you are 100% sure he'll always bein your best interests, then let them think that.

Yanbu but you might be grateful of your mums help after dh gone back to work so maybe reconsider that offer??

I agree with the poster up thread who said the ones who make the fuss about not coming the instant you are home are the ones you don't want around.

I've told about this event before but it really ruined what should have been a special time for me.

When my youngest child was born he arrived very later at night his dad point blank refused to leave the hospital overnight and decided to climb into my bed and sleep leaving me on the chair for the rest of the night not sleeping he woke up at about 8 am shortly before the baby and I were discharged I arrived home to find his parents and his grandparents brothers and there partners as well as one of there random friends on my doorstep completely uninvited. They stayed all day ate practically every bit of food I had in the house ( wouldn't even offer to make cups of tea just expected to be waited on) every time I made polite noises about not having had any sleep since the night before he was born and wanting to go and rest I was met with cats bum faces and ignored slightly less polite requests to draw the visit to a close ( requests started after 6 hours) were met with ohhhh one more cuddle then after 8 hours I said "I really really need to get some sleep" got tears welling up in his mothers eyes and nonsense about me trying to deprive them as they were dads family not mine.

Not true my own family didn't even meet him until he was 4 months old and not one of them has even seen him more than 3 times since he was born he's now nearly 15 months old.

I have never encountered such rudeness from anyone on my own home before and I do remember I had mentioned that I would probably want a little rest before visitors arrived like a day or two but they were so offended by this suggestion I had wondered if I was being a bit precious obviously I was not Ime people who make good visitors with newborns do not make a fuss if asked to wait a few days.

Oh good lord Sock that's horrendous how awful for you!

I asked her what happened when I was born (I was also first child in the generation so a good comparison). She was kept in for a week which was standard at the time (1980s) and had visits from my dad's family throughout time in hospital, and when they returned home as well (don't know how soon this started).

Her own mother didn't travel up to her at all, and my mum had to travel the 3hrs+ to her at a later date. (which she clearly resents - she has significant mother issues).

Figgy I'm tempted, but DP has valid concerns about her wanting to sit up and chat for hours when we're just going to want to eat, have a cuddle (me and DP and baby) and sleep (or at least try). DP finds social company exhausting at the best of times, and isn't a fan of my mum.

If she offered to stay somewhere else, and agreed to go elsewhere in the evenings, that would be great, but she doesn't know anyone up here and I would feel guilty about her sat on her own in a B&B somewhere. As mentioned before, I feel it would be too rude to make a condition like this - ie a bugger off and leave us alone after a certain time - on what is on the face of it a generous offer.

Sock

Brave YANBU, but as others have said, I would not make firm plans right now. Maybe you will want someone there in 3 hours, maybe not even in 3 weeks. Just tell them all firmly that there will be NO surprise visits and you will let them know when it's ok to come over.

Op in the 80's it was standard to stay in hospital for about a week to 10 days but they tended to have very restrictive visiting hours on the ward from what I can recall 3 hours a day but split into 2 1 and a half hour sessions was fairly normal and that was often even for the baby's dad.

YNBU.

I think what others have said about not setting anything in stone is a good idea HOWEVER, you need to be clear with your DH beforehand what you don't want, because chances are at the very least you'll be tired and a) it'll be him doing the gate keeping and/or b) you can use him as gatekeeper to avoid feeling pushed into anything.

I think that having this properly thought out (as you seem to be doing) beforehand is brilliant. It's one of those times in life where many people seem to think they're entitled to see the baby, failing to realise the depth of damage that can be caused in those first few weeks by insisting on staying over etc.

The BBQ idea sounds a good one - weather permitting(!) - but it could be sensible to tell people about it already. If its a bank holiday weekend, then people might make other arrangements and you could end up with a poor turn out AND then have to have the visits separately from all those who can't attend. At a minimum of three weeks after the birth, even an average c-section (I haven't had one, its just what I understand) you would probably be up to sitting in a chair while people fuss over the baby a bit - and you! Just be aware though, that if everybody wants to hold the baby and its getting too much for you (it can do for) then it'll be "time for a quiet feed" and you both disappear for a bit, with a notice on the bedroom door asking not to be disturbed (you'd be surprised..).

And please please don't rule out the possibility that you might be like me, and desperate to show off my wonderful babies and be told how incredibly clever I was by all and everybody! I adored having visitors ( not overnight, though, you're right about that)- loved the fuss and the flowers.....and I just took myself off to the sofa or my room if I got tired.

I was like that too seeker had all your worries OP before the birth, my DM just smiled and said see how you feel...visiting hours weren't until 7 hours after he was born and I was desperate to show him off, despite the horrendous labour...so you could surprise yourself OP

I felt like Seeker too. It was weeks 3-5 that visitors made me feel ill!

Have you considered waiting a few days before telling people that you've had the baby, to give you time to get yourself together etc?

Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly :)

YANBU to feel overwhelmed at the thought of visitors or people staying, but I do think it's unwise to set specific times and limits now. My MIL came to stay and that caused some problems, but we'd have been lost without her help after a blue light transfer to hospital from home and EMCS. You just don't and can't know how you're going to feel physically or emotionally. If you do have visitors though, do not play hostess; that's totally out of the question. Visitors are there to help and be lovely to you. Anyone else should get shown the door swiftly

so that when DP goes back to work we can have some family time in an evening and he can chill out after two long commutes
Has anyone told you about the witching hour yet? It usually starts at around 2 to 3 weeks, peaks at 6 and is gone by 3 to 4 months (according to Kellymom. Evenings may well be the hardest time with no chilling and you may well be fraught and exhausted by the time he walks in the door after he goes back to work.

We told my PIL that we didn't want them to visit for a bit - and they were shocked. They said that as soon as I went into labour they were going to get in the car and drive down (they live about 4 hours away).

Anyway, we persuaded them that we wanted a week to ourselves, to get to know our first born etc etc and I thought everything was ok.

So when I eventually gave birth (3 weeks late - phone calls from MIL everyday) and came home a day later, the last thing we expected was the doorbell to go at 8am and hey presto, it's the PIL on the doorstep - they had turned up for breakfast.

The fact that they didn't really understand our wishes, let alone respect them, has tainted my relationship with them. When they visit they insist that they have to bring a bag of presents, toys and chocolate (and they have been known to visit every month). When they said they had to bring something, to which I replied no you didn't, I just got the look of daggers from them both. We've tried the small presents at Xmas line too - only to be phoned up a week beforehand and to be told that they are not happy with that and that Christmas is for presents (heaven help us, I'm not religious, they are, and yet the presents is the thing for them?!).

Ok. And breathe. There's a lot to be said for trying to setup "rules" which you are happy with from the very beginning. But this has to be a joint thing between yourself and DH to get it to work. And when, as in my case, it doesn't work, it's important to just try and let it go. Otherwise you turn into a twisted mare like me !

Another vote here for saying to people you'll call them rather than setting anything in stone beforehand. I had my first child 11 weeks ago. I had the easiest pregnancy ever but a very scary birth - went from absolutely nothing to being fully dilated in an hour, resulting in lots of bleeding and dd having an ectopic heartbeat, then she went back to back meaning I needed a forceps delivery. I was absolutely knackered plus dd was finding it hard to latch on effectively.

A couple of hours after the birth, I was sat with my boobs out, still covered in blood and dried sweat from the birth, desperately trying to get her to latch on. Then the curtain got pulled back and in walked my mum, her dp, my grandad, my sister, my brother and his wife, mil and DH's ex with DH's son, they made some comment about me not covering up (I was beyond caring at that point and tbh getting dd to latch was the most important thing to me at the time as I knew the longer I left it, the harder it'd be).

So we all sat around making small talk (me, DH and our 9 visitors) with them trying not to catch sight of my boobs and tutting every time they saw them). It was a nightmare. It was almost like a competition to see who could see dd first and then when I got home and would really have loved a bit of company and support, no-one was there for me except DH and mil.

I should've put my foot down - please OP don't make the same mistake!

"Have you considered waiting a few days before telling people that you've had the baby, to give you time to get yourself together etc?"

Oh, please don't do this! I would be so very very hurt if someone in my family did this to me- and if my son or daughter did it I would be heartbroken!

My baby is only 10 months old but, if and when he has a baby, I imagine that I'd be devastated if I couldn't see it for three days. My mum saw her grandchild the day he was born and that was very important to her. Would a quick visit from the grandparents really be that awful? If they're that keen they'll drive the 2 hours, have a peek, and then drive the 2 hours home.

Sometimes life isn't just about what we want, it's about doing the right thing. And a visit in hospital where it's structured, limited visiting times, or inviting them to your home for an hour or two, is the right thing to do here.

YANBU but don't assume that you will want that when the time comes. If your visitors are going to be arses like spg's - telling you to cover up and the like - then that won't be helpful and they can sod off, but my DM and PILs were brilliant and TBH I was dreading the thought of them leaving me and DH to it; we both felt so helpless!

I would just be flexible as many people have said. Your DM may be a real help to have around but obviously your DH's views will have to be considered. If your baby doesn't stop crying in the evenings (pretty common) you may both be very grateful for someone to take him/her off you for a bit.

And my Dad actually. I was just thinking about that first night when DM stayed with us. It was great to have her look over DS and say why he was probably crying, when me and DH were clueless and my tits were raw.

YANBU.

I saw my community midwife today, and mentioned that I plan to stay in hospital for a few days so I can get BF established before I go home with baby. She said she thought that a good idea, and that if I was smart about it I could get all the early visitors out of the way while I was still subject to restrictive visiting hours and with a bit of luck they'd leave me alone for a bit when we got home.

Genius. I am soooo doing that.

FWIW I am currently ignoring plaintiff texts from DSis who wants to come and stay "for an early cuddle". My trump card is not having anywhere for her to sleep right now, and I am absolutely not going shopping for one at 38 weeks pregnant....

I think the mistake is trying to plan stuff like this in advance. I would see how you feel. If you were unwell or struggling you could have said at the time I am not up to overnight visitors etc and people would have been respectful of that. I think it's the regime ting in advance that has probably gone down badly. There is also the possibility that you will be desperate for help. I remember thinking I would want lots of time for just us and in fact my mother staying for a few days was incredibly useful as dp was a bit crap and just expected to rest after work. I am also not the kind of person who has my mum round loads at all! I think you are over thinking it and will possibly regret it. Plus newborns tend to sleep a lot. Visits are quite welcome generally.

People would be heartbroken and devastated to not visit a new baby before its 70 odd hours old!

Seriously?

Why?

I don't think it's a mistake to plan in advance to limit over-keen people, this way round if you want to have them stay/visit, you can 'back down' however if you don't tell them before hand that you won't want them to just all turn up, then it will be hard to stop them/ask them to leave once they've arrived - it's when you are feeling your most shattered and vunerable, and it's bloody hard then to tell pushy people to back off when you're in that state. Much easier to say "no" now and then say "actually, if you want to visit sooner you can".

I was soooo glad it snowed really heavily the day we got home from hospital with DS, I lied informed both sets of parents our road wasn't passable for a week (they had both seen DS in hospital) and snuggled up with DS, DH in our bed, sending DH to go get us snacks now and then.

Not sure that's going to work with DC2, due in 2 weeks - any freak snow storms on the way to get to them to all bugger off?

They don't generally kick new mums out of hospital after 6 hours unless you are really desperate to go. I suggest you stay in for as long as possible and invite all the ackward but necessary visitors to visit you on the ward during visiting hours to get the newborn cuddles out the way and give you breathing space.