AIBU re post-birth visiting

[BraveLilBear]

I'm nearly 31 weeks with our first child (tho DP already has an 11-yo son), and I am being tortured by the pressure of visiting times after birth.

My family live a long way away (2 hours+ drive). This is a choice I made several years ago to take up particular jobs, and I have now settled here and very happy. This is my choice, and I made it at the time understanding this may restrict my support opportunities later in life.

Fast forward to the impending birth of the first baby in the next generation of my family. I understand that they can't wait to meet him or her and I, equally, can't wait to introduce him or her to its wonderful extended family. Despite the physical distance, we are fairly emotionally close and I am very blessed to have such a loving family.

However, I have serious concerns about becoming overwhelmed in the days after birth. I have never had a child before, and this will be a huge change for me, and to my relationship with my DP. I am pretty sure that I will not be in a position to play hostess whilst in pain, bleeding, tired and attempting to learn to breastfeed. DP will be trying to support me, and will also be tired. He is not exactly a great host at the best of times - there's no chance he's going to suddenly become a master at this in these circumstances.

So I have said I don't want any visitors for at least 3 days after we get home in order to adapt. Ideally it would be longer, but I think this is too selfish.

I have also said we do not want any overnight guests for at least a month, for the same reason, and that we would prefer people to come in the daytime (ie leaving before 7) so that when DP goes back to work we can have some family time in an evening and he can chill out after two long commutes a sleep-disturbed night etc.

Anyway. I have started the task of communicating this to people so they can get their heads round it. My mum, who had offered to come and stay for a week after DP goes back to work (we have declined because we can't handle anyone staying over so soon, and would want some space in the evenings), has used phrases such as 'you're going to ostracise people' and 'when you decide you want to share, I'll see if I can fit you in the diary'.

She says that she has/had expectations of suporting her daughters when they have children, and is obviously upset with me for challenging that.

The added complexity is that I could be in for 5 days or could be out in 6 hours, so I can't offer a guarantee of hospital visitation so our families can get that initial newborn baby fix.

AIBU to ask for space to settle in? I feel terrible, but also that I know we will never ever get this time again...

If someone I loved had had a baby, and said I could come for a short visit, and it was two hours drive away, I'd be looking for other stuff I could do in the area, so I could combine it. I'd visit and go see a stately home or something. Or book a b&b and come back for another short visit the next day. And I wouldn't be offended.

Someone upthread said that the relatives who make most fuss are usually the ones who are the worst guests anyway. If your mum is making sarky comments about checking her diary, I'd take them at absolute face value "oh thanks mum, glad you understand, we'll do that then". Bright and breezy, pretend not to notice the frostiness.

I'm getting the impression that you might need some girt big boundaries set up for your Mum. A big smile and a thick skin is what you need. And ditch the guilt. When my daughter has a baby, her needs are going to come before mine and that is as it should be. If she was about to have her first child and was stressing about hurting my feelings I'd think I was doing something very wrong indeed.

Don't make any plans, take it as it comes. Actually, you need two plans, sorted with dh. The plan for "unexpected visitor on the doorstep" and the plan for "visitor outstaying their welcome". Talk through how you're going to handle those two!

I would say to people that you will let them know when you are up for visitors. I find I'm on a high for the first day or so and want to show the baby off. Then the tiredness kicks in on day 2 and my hormones crash on day 3 or 4. I'm pregnant with DC4 and being very vague about visiting. If I feel ok I'll invite people round, if I feel like death warmed up I won't.

My parents are slightly further away, and stayed in a nearby hotel when DS1 arrived. They visited briefly in hospital which was fine. Then once we were at home they were there nearly all day "helping". It was awful, because although they looked after themselves I felt neurotic about the state of the house, my hair, the fridge, etc, and had to be "on" all the time when really I needed to veg out.

I also felt like I had to share him all the time, so I rarely got to hold him unless he was feeding. I was screaming inside but didn't feel I could say anything, because it felt such am ungrateful and selfish thing to say. But it was actually quite natural and something to be protected I think.

Good luck.

Dh recently told me about something, of which i have no memory whatsoever. It happened when his parents came to stay for the weekend, a week after dd was born. I had insisted that they stay in a local b&b as i was having lots of bleeding and feeding issues and other glamorous postnatal experiences.

They came, arrived at 8am and stayed ALL DAY, gradually working their way through all of our kitchen equipment and leaving it for us to wash up.
At 10.30pm, I retreated to the bedroom with dd and just cried. Dh came to find me and edged in through the door, the way a man approaches a crying woman. I looked up and said "WHY ARE YOUR BLOODY PARENTS STILL HERE??? I am bleeding, I can't poo and I need them to FUCK OFF!".

Dh went to suggest they leave but they were already on the way out.

The baby monitor was on...

TryDrawing that is simply brilliant.

Sockreturningpixie- I wouldn't be heartbroken about mot meeting the baby for 70 hours- I would be heartbroken if I was a grandparent and discovered at this critical point that my relationship with my son or daughter was so bad they couldn't bear me to pop in for 10 minutes to say hello. And as for not even telling anyone the baby was born......

Seeker if your the type of person who would only make it 10 mins then I strongly doubt you will ever have it happen.

I thinkl loosely your plans are fine. But...you need to kick your DH into touch, he will HAVE to to get used to being host and if you need to spell this out to him now do so. You should be concentrating on your baby and he shouls be the one bringing you (and visitors) cups of tea

Im so with you seeker (although I would be devastated about the not seeing bit too). I had visits from some family that didn't suit me but my family have been so good to me that I would never have said anything.

I never came across this worrying about visitors after having a baby until seeing it on mumsnet.
I loved seeing my family with my newborn, and my mum visited everyday for a week to help out, which was fantastic!
The overnight guests i understand but don't assume all visitors will expect you to entertain them, most will offer help, bring food etc hopefully!

Popcornpaws - I think if you live close enough to your parents that they can pop in daily, then this is less of an issue. It's the family who live far enough away to expect to stay for a long visit (if you are driving 2+ hours, you are staying for a lot longer than 10 minutes) or stay over. Also if you don't have family close enough to pop round, then you are less likely to feel you have to 'host' them when they visit.

Plus if you have family who actually do help out not turn up "to help" and then just cause more work, then you might genuinely not get that someone would see a visit from their parents being a chore, not something that will be useful.

I never considered playing the host to anyone in the first few days, but good god was I pleased to see them so they could praise my little one, make me a cuppa and hold baby while I dashed for a wee/had a shower etc. Not to mention bringing us meals, putting the hoover round and generally being able to ask mothers with experience for their thoughts on any little worries I had... Nope, can't even begin to imagine asking them to stay away!

We imposed a 'no staying visitors for 3 weeks' when both of ours were born and it worked well. My mil thought it was a great idea - until she realised it applied to her too and there were tears and tantrums. She refused to stay in a b&b and I even spent an extra night in hospital so she could come up before we got home but DH thought that was a stupid idea so refused to invite her. She got the train and came for the day when dd was a week old.

My parents who live a 2hr drive away came to visit in hospital and then put themselves in a b&b when dd was 2 weeks old and DH went back to work. They came every day - mainly to keep me company and were around 10-5.

As for brief visitors - our friends were great. They would arrive bring cake and gifts, have a brew and sod off again which was perfect! The first arrived when I'd been home about an hour - but it was planned (they were going to come to the hospital but phoned first and I told them I was about to come home).

When DS was born I was quite gutted that people weren't beating a path to the door to see us. We stayed in 5 days and apart from dd and DH and a visit from dad, the only visitors I had were midwives. I was gutted that nobody wanted to come and celebrate my boy.

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No, no no. YADNBU. 3 days isn't nearly long enough. 3 weeks would be nearer. But put your foot down now and make it clear from the get-go that people come on your terms or not at all. And sorry, but your mum sounds like a bully.

Crickey having read the posts I can't believe how short-sighted people are, wonder how you'll fair/feel when your the grandparent!!

Your mum doesn't sound like a bully, she sounds like she loves you and wants to be a part of the biggest thing to happen in your life and meet her grandchild before the postman/local checkout chicks etc, because she was kind of hoping she was going to be allowed to have a meaningful relationship with the child, hardly makes her a bully! And why do people have such downers on MIL's, hate to point this out but... Its there GRANDCHILD! Bet your all up in arms if they don't send the 'right' (expensive) gift at Xmas, birthdays etc, but god forbid they should actually want to inconvenience you by seeing the child!

There's a difference between people arriving to help and people arriving to be entertained. In some cultures the mother stays resting and everything is done for her and family. This is perfect as it helps mum & baby get going with breastfeeding & recovery after the birth.

I'd like to think that if I have a grandchild I'll remember what it's like to be hormonal and in pain and be sensitive to my DIL's needs. In a few weeks time I'll have just given birth and it will be my decision when I tell people and when I invite them to visit. In 20ish years time it will be my DILs who will have just given birth and their turn to make the decisions about visitors. Obviously I would like to see my grandchildren when they are newborns but not if it causes my DILs stress. I will of course try my best to maximise my chances of getting lots of newborn cuddles by not being toxic, not spouting old wives tales and making sure my knowledge on breastfeeding, weaning, carseats etc is up to date

YANBU at all, also your expectations are prob quite realistic.

I have just a couple of things to add:

I had expected my mum to be totally overbearing, she was beyond excited at the prospect of the first grandchild, and while PG I was dreading her intrusion. Despite this, when my DD was first born, I was quite excited to show her off and really was pleased to see my mum that first day. My mum lives a 2h drive away, and ended up seeing DD when she was approx 2.5 h old. I was in hospital for 24h, and my mum came for a couple of hours then left again, I didn't see her again for a week, and that was fine.

Also - any family member who comes to 'help', in my opinion is not much help. No staying guest ever gives more than they take, in terms of help/effort/energy etc. at least that's my opinion, but I realise I'm likely related to an unusually lazy bunch. My mum has never so much as made herself a cup of coffee in my house, never mind made one for me. She is endlessly telling me to slow down, sit down, have a break etc. but in the next breath demanding something.

Seriously tho, I'm not sure what kind of quality time in the evenings your expecting to get and I do think you might be disappointed. It sounds like your OH has a fairly long commute, you'll have looked after little one all day, and I'm guessing night too, you might well find by the time OH gets home your desperate for some adult convo and a break! But he'll have just got home from work and might well not want to jump into 'holding the baby' or an in depth conversation about the baby burping/sleeping/pooing/feeding and you might not be the least bit interested in hearing about the latest thing that's irritated him at work. Honestly if my mum had have offered to come stay for a week when OH went back to work i'd have bitten her hand off!

YANBU to be concerned about what will happen post birth. But don't set anything in stone right now. I was pretty sure I was going to say no visitors for the first little while, and unfortunately my parents are both deceased, but I have an elderly relative I'm extremely close to, and she was ready to fly down as soon as I called her to say he was born. I'd cued her up already that she would need to stay in a hotel and rent a car as I wanted time to be alone with DS and bond with him and figure out how to be a mother.

I had a horrible birth, but the next day, I was practically biting the hand off anyone that asked if they could visit. YES! Please! I was so bored that I was actually counting down the times when the dinner lady would be around with the food. I ended up leaving hospital 24 hours after giving birth as I was climbing the walls. I ended up letting my relative stay, and it worked out quite well. She's not the "in your face type" and was happy to potter around and look after herself, cuddle the baby while I had a shower, and it was actually nice to have someone around.

My point is, don't make any strict rules right now. You don't know how you'll be feeling. And do consider your parents and your DHs parents will want to meet their new grandchild. I don't think it's unreasonable to stay no overnight visitors or hanging around the house all day, but do let them in to meet your child. Imagine how you would feel in 20-30 years time if your child bans you from meeting your grandchild?

Yanbu at all.
A little about the 3 day business. Please don't underestimate how tired, disoriented, exhilarated and anxious you will be. Don't overestimate your ability to bounce back as all burgs are different.
The first comment you for is my story too. I had mil and fil and sil here for 3 months when I had DS. Also had a csec. Combined experience so bad, it's one of the major reasons why I don't want to have another child!! Again don't underestimate!!

Congrats!!! And good luck!!

I agree with popcornpaws. It's nice having visitors, and most people don't behave badly / demand service when visiting a new mum.

I am always astonished that people have such formal relationships with their own parents that they can't just ask the new GPs to leave or cook dinner or do whatever needs to be done.

One of my nicest memories was our neighbours dropping in unannounced to meet our third child (who was 1 day old). It was 8 am and the neighbours scooped up our two older kids, who were quarrelling, and distracted me when I was about to start crying. It was perfect.