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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think, actually, WOH gets harder as they get older.

450 replies

Tournament · 16/05/2013 19:29

I've worked (at least p-t) all my life. It was a choice for me, I wanted to get out to work, keep my career etc, although I did very much step back for a while, I always kept my hand in IYSWIM.

When DC were tiny, there was always some feeling of guilt at not always being there, but the day to day practicalities were easy. You got them up and dressed, bundled them in the car, handed them over to GP, childminder or nursery and then it was someone else's job to do everything for them until it was practically bedtime. They were cared for, fed and entertained without me ever really having to do anything. (When I was at work). I'd collect on my way home, take them home and put them to bed.

Now they're 9 & 11, there's homework to supervise, clubs to organise, taxi services to provide, sports and school events to watch (or to have to explain you can't) friendship issues or other worries to listen to and if I'm not around after school, they can't have friends back and they can't go to other's houses.

OP posts:
Saddayinspring2 · 18/05/2013 12:43

She is not a childminder but used to be Housematron in Boarding schools so she knows what she is doing!!

AlienAttack · 18/05/2013 13:28

saddayinspring2 I'm staggered you can get all that help for less than £200 per month. A quick calculation suggests that's £50 per week, so for 5 days it is £10 per day. Assuming "after school" means 3.30to 6pm, that suggests you're paying £4per hour?! Below minimum wage. Where I live, a childminder or a cleaner would require at least £7 per hour...let alone if they were expected to be a childminder and a cleaner at the same time!

Saddayinspring2 · 18/05/2013 13:41

No, don't like to say too much in case this is seen but 7 pounds per hour. My dh has half day per week so only four days and only in term time and not when we have annual leave... This all arranged to suit her choice of hours at the start.

Saddayinspring2 · 18/05/2013 13:42

She cleans separately once a week. Ds fully independent, about half of the time she is here she sits down and watches a DVD with him etc or he is in an after school activity [ smile]

mrscraig · 18/05/2013 14:53

I have found this too.

I went back to teaching when dd1 (now 10) was 6 months old. I have now changed my part time hours to five mornings a week as this will hopefully be far more beneficial to her (and my other daughter) than three whole days.
I thought they would 'need' you less as they got older but actually they seem to need you more, just differently.

I think for the first time since I had my children I might just be able to strike a work-life balance (am keeping fingers and other parts crossed!).

itsallshitandmoreshit · 18/05/2013 15:15

I actually really disagree. 3DCs and definitely easier the older they get.
I've always had the feeling I've had very difficult babies/toddlers though.

thebody · 18/05/2013 15:21

Little ones are a doddle ( generally)

Until you have teenagers with the usual baggage of hormones, drinking, influences, sex, GCSEs and then uni.

Crippling uni fees as trust me no student can actually 'live' on the loan as it all goes in rent.

My youngest is 13 now And although all of mine have been good kids its much much easier when you know where they are and who they are with.

When they are out and about that's when you really understand how truly heart wrenching parenting is.

stepawayfromthescreen · 18/05/2013 15:31

I'm really not sure I'd want to outsource their entire childhood to staff, Xenia style.
The hackneyed old phrase 'why have 'em?' springs to mind.
Nannies all week and then paid weekend staff to drive them to birthday parties??? Wtf?

thebody · 18/05/2013 15:50

Yes agree step.

Not all of us are working to pay for staff to outsource our kids.

Most work to pay for the essentials and that's got bugger all to do with feminism or choices.

LittleFeileFooFoo · 18/05/2013 15:55

I take my dc to work with me, so I am hoping it gets easier once he is at school because I'm now doing two jobs at once!

morethanpotatoprints · 18/05/2013 16:31

The body,

totally agree teenage years are harder. I guess you just have to trust that everything you do with them during childhood pays off.
Its easy when you have control over friends and where they go, its great to have a certain influence.
I found that after 15+ they tend to come back to you in a more grown up way and can talk without the hormones having an affect.
13 -15 they lose their backbone, or so it seems. They want to stink in bed and vegetate like a lump of jelly. They sometimes regress at this stage and its like having a toddler that doesn't move till midday. Grin

working9while5 · 18/05/2013 18:25

Morethanpotatoprints, that's a great description. I only have teeny weenies right now (3, nearly 1) but I've worked in secondary schools and they are such babies at that age and it's great when they snap out of it!

Saddayinspring2 · 18/05/2013 19:36

In my case, only went back to work a few years ago..this was the only way to do it. I guess we all have our own story.

funnyperson · 18/05/2013 20:35

'working to pay for essentials' is an interesting concept as it assumes that childcare is not an essential.

hefferlump · 18/05/2013 20:53

Completely agree. My DS is 5 1/2 now and I am leaving my job at the end of this year. Both of us are finding it increasingly more difficult emotionally and practically. Very fortunate that I am able to do this and I can't wait to be able to drop him off at school at 'normal' time and collect him later on when school finishes instead of after school club.

I'm a single parent in my 40's now. Need to take time out to look after both of us.

sherbetpips · 18/05/2013 22:38

Finding it way harder with every year, dreading seniors.

morethanpotatoprints · 18/05/2013 23:03

working9while5

Ah, it is a shame I think that so much is put on them at this age. I have 2 ds who have been through this stage and dd 9 yrs, still to come yet.

funnyperson
Personally, I have never seen working to pay for childcare as essential, but i didn't want to continue with a career. I know some people see it as a way of life and essential to daily living.

hefferlump

Good luck to you. We are so lucky if we can make these choices. Please don't think me silly but I used to take wellies to school if it was raining and we'd jump in puddles and get soaked on the way home, or good weather straight to the park. The hours after school before bedtime are magic.
You both will have such good fun and I'm so pleased for you Grin

somanymiles · 19/05/2013 01:50

I think it is just different, not necessarily harder. I have DS1 who is 13, DD who is 10 and DS2 who is 2. I am at home at the moment, but worked part-time last year. I have worked part-time, actually up to .9FTE since DS1 was born. Full time just eludes me because it just takes one child to be sick or in crisis mode over something and the whole house of cards comes toppling down. For the older children they can be left on their own quite a lot, BUT homework is more crucial and sometimes you do need to help them, if only by cracking the whip and turning off FaceBook, plus emotional issues like girlfriends crop up and you need to be there to deal with it.

For the little ones they are more likely to be up in the night or sick, even if they are with a childminder during the day.

I have a big gap with my lot, and I must say it has not been easy because I got used to having a bit more freedom with the big ones - you can't excatly phone up a two year old and say "I'm going to be a bit late home from work, love, so help yourself to a slice of toast if you get hungry."!

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 19/05/2013 03:59

YANBU !

I posted a very similar comment the other day .

I find it more exhausting than ever now ( and I have a very unsympathetic boss Sad).

Xenia · 19/05/2013 09:18

stepm, wasn;t really like that at all. We were like the parent about who had some to collect from school do tea and homework supervsision and left at 6pm. I do not call that outsouring it all to staff.

When the older 3 were little and their father was working on Saturdays we did have someone who took whichever child was at a Sat pm birthday party there and back and that really helped but it meant we or I was home with the baby and the toddler whilst the 5 year old was being driven around.
The same when we had 5 children - we had someone for ap eriod on Sat and Sunday 9 - 1 who looked after the twins except when I was breastfeeding them. It was not that we were ignoring the family. It was that if one gorgeous young sixth former who adores babies and wants to give them 100% attention for 4 hours you then have time for the other 3 children and GCSE questions and/or reading the paper.

olgaga · 19/05/2013 10:05

I imagine life is easier full stop if you want to employ someone else to do your parenting - and can afford it.

Not everyone wants to parent via a third party though, or could afford it even if they wanted to.

If you do that right from the start, as Xenia has, and your children don't know any different, I imagine it works quite well.

I wouldn't want to be the parent or the child in that situation though.

Saddayinspring2 · 19/05/2013 10:20

I think it's nicer for a child to ne able to eat at home, free of all school bags and to relax, go to scouts etc rather than be stuck in after school club where they hang around waiting to go from about finish and round here, anyway , is deadly dull.
The working day does not and will not ever finish at three pm. That is a fact. So if you want to resurrect your career and help with finances, it can be a good way ( for me from age eight or so) to have a well looked after child and still manage to work full time.
Thankfully I finish by five on routine days , shift working slack has to be taken up by my dh... I had to wait many years for his shift working to finish before taking that role on myself. You have to combine your children's ages and needs and finances and available care into it all to get something that works.

Do I sense a sort of inverted snobbery here where people don't mind at all about after school care but seem to be being stuffy about care provided by an employed person within the house? Even if the hours are the same?

Saddayinspring2 · 19/05/2013 10:21

Fivish

Bonsoir · 19/05/2013 10:22

It is fine to outsource childcare - the issue is the extent to which you need to do so. Most high-paying careers require an awful lot of personal investment - I don't know anyone with a good job in their mid-30s (or older) who can get home for 6pm every night. Or even any night.

Saddayinspring2 · 19/05/2013 10:43

Hence the lack of women achieving the higher levels in their careers.