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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think, actually, WOH gets harder as they get older.

450 replies

Tournament · 16/05/2013 19:29

I've worked (at least p-t) all my life. It was a choice for me, I wanted to get out to work, keep my career etc, although I did very much step back for a while, I always kept my hand in IYSWIM.

When DC were tiny, there was always some feeling of guilt at not always being there, but the day to day practicalities were easy. You got them up and dressed, bundled them in the car, handed them over to GP, childminder or nursery and then it was someone else's job to do everything for them until it was practically bedtime. They were cared for, fed and entertained without me ever really having to do anything. (When I was at work). I'd collect on my way home, take them home and put them to bed.

Now they're 9 & 11, there's homework to supervise, clubs to organise, taxi services to provide, sports and school events to watch (or to have to explain you can't) friendship issues or other worries to listen to and if I'm not around after school, they can't have friends back and they can't go to other's houses.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 21/05/2013 18:47

*peteypiranha8

Ah, that is sad Sad. My parents just wanted for me to be happy and lead a fulfilled life, they would never have been disappointed in me. We feel exactly the same about our dc, it would have to be something pretty bad before one of our dc disappointed us.

peteypiranha · 21/05/2013 18:51

I suppose I personally would see me not working be viewed as pretty bad by my family. My parents would want to know what I was doing, and why I wasnt bothering or being the best I could be.

Its just the way Ive been raised so just want the same for my own children really. Again couldnt care less what the wider world or anyone outside my family decides to do.

morethanpotatoprints · 21/05/2013 18:54

Stepping

They tend not to like it when you hit a nerve. The anti feminism and letting the side down is the usual chestnut. Bad role model for daughters, has this been said yet?
what about losing autonomy. Although the most autonomous lifestyle I have had is as a sahm. Nobody telling me what to do, coming and going as I please, no policies and procedures, self choice over what I do and when, I think thats as autonomous as you can get. Grin

BlackholesAndRevelations · 21/05/2013 18:55

I was brought up to work hard; did excellently at school, went to uni, got a good degree and a post grad, then began my career. 10 years later it just isn't important anymore. Yes it will be again in the future (possibly?!) or I might try my hand at something different. Right now I'm making my contribution to raising the next generation (whilst still working part time) and dont give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks about my choices.

My partner is happy to support us and I am happy to do the majority of the childrearing of MY OWN children. I consider myself very bloody lucky to have that choice, which granted is partly due to having s good career myaelf but mainly because my partner earns enough to just about look after us all and pay for our home.

CaptainSweatPants · 21/05/2013 18:58

well when I give tours to future students they are always on their own
maybe mum sits in teh cafe Grin

Back2Two · 21/05/2013 19:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Bonsoir · 21/05/2013 19:11

"why I wasnt bothering or being the best I could be"

Why do you think work the only path to being the best you can be?

amazingmumof6 · 21/05/2013 19:17

morethan

"bad role model for daughters" tick

and as you brought up autonomy - tick that too Grin

Xenia · 21/05/2013 19:26

It is rarely in women's best interests just to hook a man rich enough to keep them. Most dislike that dynamic for obvious reasons.

amazingmumof6 · 21/05/2013 19:30

petey being there for your kids physically, financially, emotionally etc IS the best you can be.

whether Sahm or Wom or even on benefits because you have to be, as long as you and your child/ren (and partner if there's one) are happy with the situation and find that it's working you are already doing your best.

shame on your parents or anyone who criticises your choices and/or makes you feel bad or guilty.

but OP was pondering about other things, like how SHAMS fill their time when kids get older etc.

hollyisalovelyname · 21/05/2013 19:31

OP do you mind me asking why you had children if you find it so difficult to find time to even talk to them ? You say it was so much easier when they were little as they were looked after all day and then you just collected them, brought them home and put them to bed. Hmm
I'm sure I'll be flamed for this post.

ChocolateCakePlease · 21/05/2013 19:41

I think the biggest thing we can achieve is choice. One time of day women had no choice but to stay at home once married, that was expected of them to stay at home to be a mother and housewife. Careers for women were not widely excepted at all.

Now women do have a choice, they can choose to have a career, choose to either marry or not, choose to have children or not or have children later on.

It is no longer the norm for a woman to leave school, get a job as a secretery or the like until she marries then become a housewife. The fact women can choose to do all of the above is proof that women can be master of their own destiny if they want to. Doesn't mean they choose to be, but they have the option.

Dozer · 21/05/2013 19:44

So we also now have the "why did you have DC if you don't want to spend time with them", this thread is bingo!

stealthsquiggle · 21/05/2013 19:48

Absolutely agree, chocolatecake. Which is why these mudslinging contests annoy me so much. I have no need to belittle or attack the choices other women have made in order to justify my own.

The OP asked whether she was alone in feeling that the balance is harder with school age children than with preschoolers. IME, she is right, it is. I am Confused as to how that turns into a SAHM/WOHM bun fight, but it always seems to.

Timetoask · 21/05/2013 19:52

ChocolateCakePlease: Completely agree. However, many women do NOT have a choice. They HAVE to go to work because the cost of living does not allow them to stay at home.
The choice has been taken away from many women who would prefer to be SAHM.

Dozer · 21/05/2013 19:54

If there was truly choice, more men would be PT / at home.

morethanpotatoprints · 21/05/2013 19:55

Dozer

I think it was a simple question posed to the OP in context of the comment she made not a slight on wohm.
If I had been a wohm this is exactly how I would have felt, that somebody else was raising them whilst they were in childcare. I saw being a sahm as a right, a choice, natural for me,. I would have felt wrong, nothing to do with upbringing just opinion and personality.
I don't expect others to feel the same, but you can't argue with opinion only fact. You can disagree or form a contrary opinion.

Dozer · 21/05/2013 19:56

Choice and equality.

There are also women who want to work, but can't easily because they can't find work, childcare is so expensive and / or employers want people who will work long hours.

Back2Two · 21/05/2013 19:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Dozer · 21/05/2013 20:01

Ah OK, so by working and talking about the challenges that entails WOHM's are fair game for "simple questions" like "why did you have DC then" and "somebody else raising them".

Wine Wine Biscuit

MorrisZapp · 21/05/2013 20:02

On the topic of toddlers v. tweens and teens, I think its parental amnesia at play. Those of you who find it hard driving your kid to football etc must have forgotten when life was mainly firefighting with a toddler.

I know kids of all ages present different challenges, but if I thought my son would still be as labour intensive at say, 8, than he is now at 2 then I'd be planning my escape now. The thought of him growing out of the demands of toddlerhood is all that is keeping me going!

morethanpotatoprints · 21/05/2013 20:15

Dozer.

I would have seen it as somebody else raising my dc whilst I wasn't there. The dc wouldn't have gone to work with me Grin. Obviously wohm don't feel like this.

ChocolateCakePlease · 21/05/2013 20:30

I meant now a woman can be encouraged to thrive at school, go on and make a good career if they want to. That was never a choice before - a womans destiny was to marry, usually very young, and have family. Now things are very different.

There does come a point when a couple do have family when they have to make decisions, either one gives up work or goes part time or you pay for childcare. I am not quite sure who people think should be paying for childcare or understand why it cost so much? Surely they understand the childminder/nanny/nursery etc have running costs and deserve to be paid a decent wage? Who do people want to pay for this childcare or do they want it cheaper (meaning the nanny/nursery will earn less as a result).

I admit it would be better if more men took the sahd role or went part time but again i stress that women have the choice from the leaving school to go and forge a good career for themselves thus meaning when they do meet a man they have every right when discussing having children to make it clear they would like him to take on an active role in childcare. The choices are there but it depends how you use them.

Bonsoir · 21/05/2013 20:40

I wonder whether those WOHMs who vociferously slam SAHMs and think that that choice should not be available to anyone are just envious because the option to be a SAHM has never been open to them...

Wishihadabs · 21/05/2013 20:41

I think I have said this before, but different people do find different ages and stages differently difficult. I loved being pg and having a newborn, found bf ing easy, napped in the day etc. I also really liked having 1-4 year olds, I loved being in charge of their learning and experiences, I was still the biggest thing in their world. I was lucky that they both slept through from 12 weeks, so sleep deprivation never got that bad.

I find early primary/nursery school dcs a total pita. My time is not my own, school gets the best of them, by 315 they are tired and grumpy. You cannot have a lazy morning/leisurely lunch.

Now Ds is 9 I am starting to enjoy it a bit more again he can go out for an adult dinner at a normal time, hold a conversation and cycle a decent distance which means we do get some quality time during the week and can do more adult scented things at the weekend.