Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 17 18

Original poster

To think, actually, WOH gets harder as they get older.

450 replies

Tournament · 16/05/2013 19:29

I've worked (at least p-t) all my life. It was a choice for me, I wanted to get out to work, keep my career etc, although I did very much step back for a while, I always kept my hand in IYSWIM.

When DC were tiny, there was always some feeling of guilt at not always being there, but the day to day practicalities were easy. You got them up and dressed, bundled them in the car, handed them over to GP, childminder or nursery and then it was someone else's job to do everything for them until it was practically bedtime. They were cared for, fed and entertained without me ever really having to do anything. (When I was at work). I'd collect on my way home, take them home and put them to bed.

Now they're 9 & 11, there's homework to supervise, clubs to organise, taxi services to provide, sports and school events to watch (or to have to explain you can't) friendship issues or other worries to listen to and if I'm not around after school, they can't have friends back and they can't go to other's houses.

OP posts:

AnnoyedAtWork · 21/05/2013 14:56

And please don't twist my words. I was not talking about my own situation. I clearly stated before that I could have opted not to work in my example about taking a pay cut.

stepawayfromthescreen · 21/05/2013 15:00

so what you're saying is that you have to work? So no choice then, basically? Which is the same thing.

morethanpotatoprints · 21/05/2013 15:03

Curryeater.

Don't forget latch key kids and how your mum was looked down upon if she HAD to work. How the man wasn't considered a man if he couldn't provide for his wife to sah.
Ah the good old days of playing out, making dens, mum being home,
The problem is now if you actually choose to live like this you are wrong according to many. Obviously don't like the first bit of no choice.
I also agree on a happy medium and feel it is necessary for men to take a share in childcare and domestics. personally, I would never want 50/50 and most men don't either. i do believe we are feminising men too much and they will end up following their heart in the end, leave their wife who requires to do 50%. i have seen it already in a few couples we know. Everytime the wife was surprised the dh didn't want to be mummy all the time but daddy sometimes. Its only my opinion but I like my man to be a man and not a woos.

AnnoyedAtWork · 21/05/2013 15:11

No I don't have to work at all. We could live reasonably on oh income. I choose to have a career. I'm going to stop answering your question because you continue to twist my words!

curryeater · 21/05/2013 15:12

Me too, morethanpotatoprints. I think that men should be men, and women should get addicted to gin and valium in desperation at their tragic lives.
Not really, btw.

Actually I couldn't disagree with you more.

I think that children are better looked after than ever before, women have better opportunities than ever before, men are perhaps a bit less sucked up to than they used to be, but, oh well, they'll get used to it. Most of them.

stepawayfromthescreen · 21/05/2013 15:14

*& we also would not have been able to afford to get on property ladder had I not got this job. Now we can look for a bigger house so will have room for dc2 when we decide to ttc.

OH earning megabucks and having the choice for one partner not to work is a luxury but is rare- most families need 2 incomes to get same standard of living that was possible on one not that many years ago (eg own your house, have a car & occasional holidays)*

Your words laBean, not mine!

stepawayfromthescreen · 21/05/2013 15:16

you couldn't have got on the property ladder without a job, so you had no choice to be a sahm. Maybe that's why sahm's make you 'so angry' which is frankly a rather odd and ott reaction to sahm's unless there's a reason you feel so resentful.

AnnoyedAtWork · 21/05/2013 15:21

My working improves our prospects for the future and our standard of living now, yes. That is true of everyone! I maintain that I do have a choice! We as a family could live reasonably on one income.

However I think it is important for women to be independent and have a career and that is why I do not stay at home and why I am not having dc2 yet. And why I still would not stay at home if we were millionaires!

AnnoyedAtWork · 21/05/2013 15:22

We could have, but yet and not in London where I work.

stepawayfromthescreen · 21/05/2013 15:25

I don't believe anyone who says they'd continue to work if they were a millionaire, sorry. I just don't. Especially someone who says that sahm's make her 'angry'
If a sahm told me that working Mums make her 'angry' I'd assume she had a chip on her shoulder. And I'd probably be right.

morethanpotatoprints · 21/05/2013 15:26

Curry

I wasn't saying that men shouldn't take a share, I'm so glad we have moved on from the stereotypical 1950's housewife and Husband bread winner.
I just think that we shouldn't pressurise men into doing more if they are not willing. This surely has to be as bad as expecting a woman to be a sahm when she doesn't want to.
I know some men are happy doing 50% of childcare and domestic and thats fine. My dh isn't happy to do this and I wouldn't push him, the same as he doesn't expect me to decorate, manage the house and car maintenance as I don't want to.
If it suits your family there should be no problem with the choices you make. IME problems can arise when one or both partners feel railroaded into something that isn't them or their choice.

AnnoyedAtWork · 21/05/2013 15:30

It makes me angry because I am a feminist! If there were just as many SAHD I would be less annoyed. And yes if we were millionaires I would probably change what I do, but I would not ever spend my life as a housewife.

stepawayfromthescreen · 21/05/2013 15:33

No, you are not a feminist.
A feminist supports the woman who wants to be a sahm as much as she supports the wohp.
You can call yourself a feminist, but it doesn't make you one.

AnnoyedAtWork · 21/05/2013 15:35

You have no idea what feminism is. It is not about the individual. It is about the structural oppression of women.

Wuldric · 21/05/2013 15:38

I could have stayed at home. Made economies. Forwent nice holidays. Sent my DCs to state schools. So I did have a choice. I chose not to stay at home (for reasons - see below).

I don't know if feminism can be so simply defined - as being the defence of a woman's right to choose. Yes of course she should have the right to choice - but there comes a point when those choices impinge upon others. Take the right of a woman to choose to be a prostitute, or a house elf. Both those choices impact a lot upon other women - whose husbands use prostitutes or who then expect their wives to be house-elves.

stepawayfromthescreen · 21/05/2013 15:40

rubbish! You have no idea what it is.
Feminism isn't about playing patriarchy at its own game, it's about making society a fairer place for everybody. It's about freedom and choices and respect. When you say that sahm's make you 'angry' that's just about the most anti feminist statement you can make. I am staggered that you can't see that.

Bonsoir · 21/05/2013 15:42

Rather a house-elf than a corporate drone

stepawayfromthescreen · 21/05/2013 15:43

Unbelievably this isn't the first time a poster on Mumnset has compared sahm's to prostitutes. To be fair, the last one to make this comparison admitted the next day that she was pissed when typing.

ChocolateCakePlease · 21/05/2013 15:45

"I don't believe anyone who says they'd continue to work if they were a millionaire, sorry. I just don't."

Ooo i would. It would be a different type of working though - it wouldn't be a job where you had to do all the hours god sends for a crap wage, where you begrudge every minute doing it. You could do a job or create a job that you enjoy doing and that you find fulfilling.

It would be nice to take time off to travel if i were a millionaire but i couldn't think of anything worse than just doing everything as leisure all the time. I would like to have something to else other than that such as a job i love and enjoy doing.

stepawayfromthescreen · 21/05/2013 15:49

Yes chocolate cake, it wouldn't resemble any 9-5 drudge though, would it? A fun business venture, perhaps. I'd do that. Pay others to do the bulk of it and pop in every other day to oversee things. Yes, that would be okay!

amazingmumof6 · 21/05/2013 15:53

chocolatecake unless they are Forrest Gump!

Bonsoir · 21/05/2013 15:54

I know someone who recently sold his business for EUR 50 million and then went to California to set up a new business. He was bored being retired in his mid-30s.

curryeater · 21/05/2013 15:55

"I just think that we shouldn't pressurise men into doing more if they are not willing. "
what if the women aren't willing? Then what?

AnnoyedAtWork · 21/05/2013 15:56

So the fact that overwhelmingly the SAHP is female and women have to bear the cost and responsibility of childcare and they are the ones to sacrifice careers is not a feminist issue? Surely that isn't "fair"?

Wuldric · 21/05/2013 15:56

But I know dozens of millionaires who keep on working - it's not the money, silly!

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 17 18

Swipe left for the next trending thread