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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think, actually, WOH gets harder as they get older.

450 replies

Tournament · 16/05/2013 19:29

I've worked (at least p-t) all my life. It was a choice for me, I wanted to get out to work, keep my career etc, although I did very much step back for a while, I always kept my hand in IYSWIM.

When DC were tiny, there was always some feeling of guilt at not always being there, but the day to day practicalities were easy. You got them up and dressed, bundled them in the car, handed them over to GP, childminder or nursery and then it was someone else's job to do everything for them until it was practically bedtime. They were cared for, fed and entertained without me ever really having to do anything. (When I was at work). I'd collect on my way home, take them home and put them to bed.

Now they're 9 & 11, there's homework to supervise, clubs to organise, taxi services to provide, sports and school events to watch (or to have to explain you can't) friendship issues or other worries to listen to and if I'm not around after school, they can't have friends back and they can't go to other's houses.

OP posts:
IfNotNowThenWhen · 20/05/2013 18:44

I guess at the end of the day,I doubt that any forum populated mainly by men has a thread on it about how working gets harder as their kids get older. And for every woman who says " dh does 50/50" are 99 women who give up the very idea of a real career, because they are held 100% responsible for childcare.
Of course, being a Lp makes it a lot harder to have a real job, but having a husband does not appear to me to make it half as hard. Whereas having a wife...

Ledkr · 20/05/2013 18:49

I've always thought this tbh. Even when they are teens it's hard cis they mess up your house, have all their mates in, eat all the food and run up big phone bills.
Much easier when babies.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 20/05/2013 20:09

I find it a little sad that a lot of these threads get derailed this way so they turn into a "aren't you stupid for marrying a man who doesn't do exactly 50% of the childcare what a complete fool you are" rather than discussing what is actually an interesting topic in it's own right.

The topic posed by the OP is does it get harder to be a WOHM as DCs get older. I guess to avoid all this circular discussion which seems very similar to countless other threads, we could perhaps make it neutral as in does it become harder to be a working parent as they get older.

Maybe I'm just sad, while I agree that it becomes a bit logistically harder as DS gets older ( and yes I know I'm lucky I only have one - believe me it was not our personal choice to have it that way) but I also want to be there for him. I want to be there at his sports day, parents evening, have his friends over and pick him up from school a couple of days a week so he can play with his friends on the close.

Yes I guess I could work 5 full days a week and DS would survive. He would go to the after school which he isn't particularly keen on and would do his homework exhausted after dinner.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 20/05/2013 20:16

And Bonsoir, whilst I'm not sure how long your post will stay up I have to agree with what you are saying. Mutual respect of each other to me is not just about what job you do, it's also about your parenting and mutual respect and appreciation of roles within the household.

I took a step back at work and one of the reasons was to make sure I had a strong and healthy marriage. DH was unable to do 50% of childcare and household chores as he just isn't here that much during the week. He's a contractor and doesn't have the option of quitting work at a certain time 2 days a week, if he did his contract wouldn't be extended and we would have no money to pay the bills.

I was getting more and more exhausted and enjoying being a mother less and less, so I took the decision to cut back my work to support my other roles. I guess I could pick it up when DS gets older, but actually I like my life a lot better now and I'm a nicer mother and wife.

Everyone's circumstances and personalities are different, I hate this one size fits all version of feminism.

Joiningthegang · 20/05/2013 20:29

Not read all of this but yanbu

In some ways much harder - what child are is there for 12-14 yr olds so that I can work in the holidays?
Constant things on at primary school in the middle of the day - oh the irony of missing a safeguarding board to pick up a poorly child
But as others have said they aren't as constant as they were and I get more sleep.

Maybe not actually harder op, just constantly different and I feel I am constantly blagging this parenting malarkey

stepawayfromthescreen · 20/05/2013 20:30

Xenia, you talk about what's right for a happy, equal relationship, but you got divorced didn't you? 2 parents working full time puts massive strain on a marriage. All the stats point towards kids doing better when their parents stay together, so your comments about kids with 2 full time working parents doing better seem a tad misjudged.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 20/05/2013 20:33

I think you have just made my point originalandbest.

Saddayinspring2 · 20/05/2013 22:42

Don't get personal towards Xenia.. She is simply saying that women should look at the longer picture and not give up their careers for their husbands careers! Yes to that

Iggi101 · 20/05/2013 22:48

I do wonder what all these (there are a lot mentioned on MN) men who work away from home, or exceptionally long hours, would do should they ever find themselves as a single parent - say, widowed. There is a real get-out-of-jail-free card handed to men I think. Many women seem to think "I can't take that job, the hours won't fit with my other responsibilities", but men think "I can take that job and then dw will need to stay at home".
btw I sometimes give advice on dieting threads, yet I am fat, shoot me now Hmm

Iggi101 · 20/05/2013 22:49

stepaway have you found research that shows divorce rates are higher amongst couples who both work full-time? If not your argument is, as I rather suspect, a crock of shit.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 20/05/2013 22:52

Sadday- my point was that not everyone is as bloody rich as she is and therefore can't afford to make working worthwhile. That comment about not being able to survive on as little as £100k a year (or whatever it was she said) made my blood boil.

If there's little financial reward for "outsourcing" Hmm your children's upbringing then what's the point in them struggling, you struggling, your partner/husband struggling?

In answer to the op, I'm cutting down my hours because I couldn't ever imagine not being there for my children when they finish school, at least some of the time.

stepawayfromthescreen · 20/05/2013 22:56

where did I quote divorce stats for full time working parents?
Oh, that's right. I didn't. What I said is that 2 full time working parents puts huge strain on marriage. It's hard keeping all the balls up in the air.
I should know. I tried it.
And I do think it's hypocritical for a longtime prolific poster, who's evangelical about the right way to co parent, the right way to have a 'non sexist, equal relationship where everything is scientifically split 50/50, to neglect to mention the fact that her relationship didn't remain intact.

Permanentlyexhausted · 20/05/2013 22:58

Is there any evidence to support the claim that two parents both working full time puts massive strain on a relationship?

Purely anecdotal, obviously, but the evidence among my family and friends would suggest quite the opposite.

stepawayfromthescreen · 20/05/2013 23:00

I think it's disingenuous to present an argument, implying that you've got the perfect formula for a modern marriage when the reality doesn't reflect that.

stepawayfromthescreen · 20/05/2013 23:01

Is there any evidence to show it?!!
Are you kidding?
It's all over bloody Mumnset all the bloody time!

Permanentlyexhausted · 20/05/2013 23:05

Is it? I can't say I've noticed. Having kids certainly puts a strain on a relationship but I can't recall noticing more complaints from working parents than SAHP. Maybe I don't look in the right forums.

morethanpotatoprints · 20/05/2013 23:14

I do agree with "Stepaway*

There does seem to be a lot of threads and posters saying that 2 parents working puts a strain on their relationship.
I think the difference is that maybe we all tend to notice the opposite to what we do, more than our own situation.
I think childcare and what people expect from the other is the biggest strain.
But yes there are many AIBU threads where the subject is about roles and responsibilities in terms of both working.

Dozer · 20/05/2013 23:21

It's good that xenia is flying the flag for women aspiring to high salaries and men doing their share of childcare etc.

I don't have a problem with the argument that DC benefit from parents spending a lot of time with them. But why is it almost always the women who go PT, "work to rule" or are the SAHP?

olgaga · 20/05/2013 23:24

[[Working women are more than three times more likely to be divorced than their stay-at-home counterparts Working women are more than three times more likely to be divorced than their stay-at-home counterparts]

You can read the full study here

Xenia aren't you always telling us how you ended up paying 60% of your joint assets/£1million (varies according to thread) to you ex-husband?

That's encouraging! Grin

stepawayfromthescreen · 20/05/2013 23:25

but when Xenia refers to sahm's in her derogatory way, talking about the 'dross drudgery' of domestic work, talking about her island and how difficult it is to live on a mere 100k, she alienates alot of people.
It cancels out the positive, frankly.

Joiningthegang · 20/05/2013 23:48

I haven't read the link - are sahm less likely to be divorced because of the fear of being single - lack of income from own work etc mean that they put up with more ?
Just wondered

Joiningthegang · 20/05/2013 23:52

Skimmed it - so essentially working women are more independent, confident, and would feel they could manage without a husband.

I would rather be a working woman who would feel able to get divorced if the need arise that reliant on my husband and feel unable to leave

Divorce isn't a bad thing if the relationship is not good

IfNotNowThenWhen · 20/05/2013 23:58

What iggi said at 22.48. Exactly that.
This is not a wohm/ sahm debate.
Those debates are pointless. Men don't have those debates. Have you never noticed that? Because they just assume that, if they need to work longer hours, or work away, etc, their wife will adjust as needed. I am not an advocate of never seeing my kid. As a lp I have only recently worked ft. But I do wonder how much better my career would be if I had the kind of traditional wife I so many mnetters seem to be.
And btw, marriage itself is bad for women. Statistically, married women have shorter lives than single women. On the other hand, statistically, married men live a lot longer than single men. Funny that.

TokenGirl1 · 21/05/2013 00:15

Thank you for this post.

You've just confirmed for me that I'd be silly to apply for the 3 day a week post that I've seen recently starting the week that my dd starts Reception.

My gut feeling was that three days when she would be without me would be too much and that she will really need me to be there.