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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stranger giving my child money

255 replies

trackies · 15/05/2013 22:09

Was at a toddler group with my 3 yo. There was a professional photographer there taking pics as approved by lady who runs it. They sit on a seat infront of a white screen. My child had a turn. My child is very chatty and friendly and likes posing for photos, and he found him easy to deal with. Bit later on my child, who likes attention and chatting to people, chatted to him for few mins, whilst i was there. Photographer was saying how lovely he was and he'd made his day, and then he gave him a gift of £2 and told him to buy some sweets with it. This freaked me out. I was a bit stunned. I tried to politely say that we can't take his money (i didn't want it!) but he insisted on me taking it. As i was leaving i tried to prize the £2 away from my child but he was clinging onto it so i left cos i just wanted to get out there! Got home and explained to small child that should not take gifts from strangers, but it wasn't his fault. I should have done something at the time. I was just caught off guard. Told my DH who said this man should have not been giving money to my child, and agreed that it's weird, but it could have been just someone being nice. But he was not happy. I told couple of Mummy friends who said it was weird aswell. DH said i definitely need to talk to the women who runs the group just to say that it made me uncomfortable and give the money back. Do you think it's weird ? or an act of kindness ? what would you do ?

OP posts:
StoicButStressed · 15/05/2013 23:06

OP - can I be just a tad direct here? Yes? ExcellentGrin

Am gutted (both for you, & just per se, and obviously for anyone impactd by him) that your old Uni mate turned out out to be a vile l'il perv.Angry That said though, you are - genuinely - not just having an over-reaction here, but bluntly a WHOLLY skewed view of this (apols, but can't help but be direct here.)

CONTEXT: your DC was WITH YOU; was in a SUPERVISED PLACE; with a photographer HIRED BY THE NURSERY.Confused Nice bloke of that generation did what countless others have done - and hopefully still will do as long as not utterly terrified they'll have their cards marked as a potential paedoSad - and very simply wanted to give your beautiful and well-behaved child a gift.

But you were (& I believe you) freaked out, stunned, & believed yourself to be off-guard. You didn't NEED to be 'on-guard in first place. Manifestly you were there, your child was at NO risk, and this was just a bloke being nice. Agree with those who think you and DH may^ be taking this a little too far & honestly beg you NOT to 'raise it' with Nursery Owner. Worst case scenario is some poor sod just doing his job AND being lovely will be ejected from that Nursery; and best case scenario is you really will look like a bit of an eejit (Irish term - you know what's coming next don't you? Grin]

Yep, it is VERY common for this to happen in Ireland, and - IME - here too. My PFB was stunningly beautiful, very literally people would stop me in the street to comment on just HOW perfect he was (and he really was, unlike 2 other DS's who frankly looked like Winston Churchill when born to point where we both modelled front cover of Mother & Baby Mag etc) and he was literally showered with money by all and sundrySmile Tis a tradition and one I think is sad older people feel they can't do anymore.

Can I suggest you look at THIS THREAD for some context? And then listen to your gut, and not your - however validly given news stories etc. - head?

Is also HUGELY important to talk to your child re strangers etc, but you HAVE to be clear with them about the difference between 'proper' strangers vs. people they simply don't know but are perfectly safe with as you are (were....) there. THAT is a lesson you seriously do not want to balls up for DC as is a world of difference between the two, but IS vital your DC understand which one IS dangerous, and which one isn't...

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp · 15/05/2013 23:07

Yep old tradition which I too will claim as Scottish Grin I got a fair few silver coins in Ds' buggy when he was little for good luck and he still manages a winning smile with some rellies now he's nearly 7 (tends to be haribo or kinder eggs now from them, they have the notorious Glaswegian sweet tooth!)

And yes it is completely verboten to give anyone a wallet, purse or money box as a present without a silver coin in it. My granny would turn in her grave if we did this. Mind you, she would toss spilt salt over her shoulder into the devils eye, never allow shoes on a table, and never ever walked under a ladder either, so she may well be spinning like the hadron collider now anyway.

ImperialBlether · 15/05/2013 23:09

Oh come on, OP, for god's sake! Is a child molester going to stand more chance of molesting a child by giving him some money in a public place and in front of his mum? And when the child is three and has no idea about what anything's worth? Get a grip!

StoicButStressed · 15/05/2013 23:10

TooMuch Grin at your granny spinning description.

And spot on post too. Hope OP does get the difference between that and real risks.

twofingerstoGideon · 15/05/2013 23:15

Giving money to babies definitely originated in Brighton at the time when the Prince Regent used to mince down the promenade giving pennies to the infants of the hoi polloi.

'Tis nothing to worry about, OP.

RedLentil · 15/05/2013 23:16

I do freelance pottering-about-style work in the west of Ireland. My 4-year-old, who often trails along, makes a nice living on the side, and blows it all on smoothies. Grin

UniS · 15/05/2013 23:22

It happened once or twice when my DS was younger. Its an act of kindness generally, sometimes a child reminds people of their own children or grandchildren and they want to "give the child something". I suspect from the comment one lady made that its a "lucky" thing to do in some people eyes. He was given a pound coin "for luck" by a Caterer at a festival who thought he looked cute.

My gran was fond of buying cakes / cups of tea/ even lunch for people who reminded her of her grandchildren. She didn't see that much of us once we were grown up and she missed our company. So she would be nice to other people grandchildren that she bumped into at village coffee mornings.

birdynumnums · 15/05/2013 23:26

When my son was 1, he was beaming at an old Eastern European lady whilst sat in the trolley at a supermarket. Her eyes filled up and she put a pound in his hand for a bit of luck and for something nice. I thought it was lovely.

perplexedpirate · 15/05/2013 23:31

I remember getting money from 'strangers' and now people give money to DS.
When he was teeny some people used to drop it in his pram!
A bit Hmm, but sweet of them.
Lighten up, they're being nice!

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 15/05/2013 23:32

A lady at church insisted baby DS must take £5 from her saying it was a Caribbean thing.

An old chap who DH nods to in the market and occasionally passes the time of day with pressed £20 on us for DS. We tried to refuse (especially as the gentleman is quite skint), but he insisted. So it could also be a Fenland thing.

ladymariner · 15/05/2013 23:32

Haven't read the whole thread but think you're really overreacting tbh. Maybe he just thought it was a nice thing to do......

BestParentEver · 15/05/2013 23:36

The guy who gave the money is dumb, like a three year old knows how currency works? He's not right I don't want to accuse him off anything but giving kids money is never a good thing.

muminthecity · 15/05/2013 23:36

My DD has made a fortune in coins from strangers over the years. Two of our neighbours (one old English lady and and an old-ish Jamaican man, if that helps in the argument about the origins Grin) still give her a pound at least once a week and she's nearly 8 now! Her best ever result was from a waiter in Spain who gave her 10 euro because she told him it was nearly her birthday and he thought she was rather charming.

When I was little I used to love going to mass with my nana on a Sunday because I knew I'd come home with lots of money from all the old (mostly Irish catholic) women at church.

Dubjackeen · 15/05/2013 23:59

I thought this was an Irish tradition Grin I know my mother would do it, as for me, I am too tight or broke...
Your little fellow sounds like a dote Wink.. Another Irishism. He sounds lovely, and I would not see anything strange about what happened. It was well meant and please take it that way.

Letitsnow9 · 16/05/2013 00:13

An elderly lady still gives my mum a pound or two to buy me some chocolate! I think it's a nice thing, it's nice to spread happiness around, lovely your child was chatty and a nice gesture from him.

MapofTassie · 16/05/2013 00:51

It's also an Australian thing! DS1 & 2 (probably because of their accent) get given money. They think it is great!

Mixxy · 16/05/2013 00:56

We used to make out like bandits growing up in Dublin. You always give kids money for sweets at family events etc.

SomethingsUp · 16/05/2013 01:10

In Scotland a new baby often ends up with pound coins placed in their pram, it's traditional.

And then there are the little friendships you strike up in passing, your child chats to an old lady and when you are done she gives them a pound for sweeties.

I've never felt uncomfortable about it.

Bogeyface · 16/05/2013 02:24

My irish family have always pressed pound coins into my childrens hands when they were babies because it brings luck for a wealthy life. Other non irish elderly relatives do it too. I dont think it means anything that this man did it, when you were there and in front of other parents.

I think you are over reacting tbh.

Bogeyface · 16/05/2013 02:28

And YY to a coin in a purse. I remember one birthday where my mums sister gave me a cheap purse with a penny in it and my mum muttered "tight cow" before I knew what being tight meant :o All I knew was that grandma always put 50p in bags or purses she gave us, must have cost her a fortune!

TigerSwallowTail · 16/05/2013 02:29

When DS was born I lost count of the amount of strangers that put money in his pram, one man put a £20 note in it. Even now he still gets given coins for sweets and he's 6, I'm always with him and have never thought anything sinister in it, what a shame that you and your husband have thought so badly of a nice gesture.

olgaga · 16/05/2013 02:32

It's a global old/young/male/female/relatives/friends/strangers thing.

Nothing to worry about, unless he followed you home.

Poor bloke. Grin

OrangeFootedScrubfowl · 16/05/2013 03:11

I used to get all sorts from strangers and shopkeepers as a precocious little v chatty child. Ice creams, toys, coins, fruit, comics, pens, sweets.
DD is shy so we haven't had it so much, only a few coins for being beautiful.

Chatty children get most of the free stuff I surmise.

It's a chatty thing.

cjdamoo · 16/05/2013 03:19

First 3 Dc born in the Black Country. Each of them used to come home from a potter round the markets with a pram full of cash from elderly well wishers. Dc 4 was born in London and the man In the Local PO gave him 40 quid to start his savings when we went in to post a letter when he was a few days old, as well as the odd stranger pressing a pound in his hand (I was always terrified he would try eat it)

Dc 5 born in Australia is either not as cute or Aussies dont do it :D

sashh · 16/05/2013 04:05

Money to me is not a thing to give a small child.

But it was. My Nana had a bracelet, of a child's size made from silver sixpences, the old ones, about 1cm across, it was made up from the money given to her as a baby and in those days did contain silver and could be used if the child needed a tooth out.

I occasionally give money to a child, but I do always ask the parent first.