to not take DD to her one year review because the HV was an absolute cow on the phone?

[Namethattune]

I had a letter today with an appointment for DC1s 1 year review with the HV team. It was at a time when she'd normally be just going down for a nap, so I phoned to ask (very politely) if it would be possible to change the time. The woman on the phone told me that "they aren't prepared to change the time on the basis that it doesn't fit in with her nap". I can either have an inconvenient appointment, or not have one at all.

She was a real cow, and I actually cried once I'd put the phone down. So now I have an appointment that DD will probably scream all the way through, because she's tired. Considering that every HV I've come into contact with has either been clueless, or has made me feel like I'm doing it all wrong, I'm considering just not going. What do they do at the 1 year review anyway? Is it important??

YANBU. I cancelled my PFB's 1 year review 3 times for this very reason (they insisted on writing with appointments rather than making them over the phone). As far as I was concerned my DD's development couldn't be assessed accurately if she was having an overtired meltdown! Plus if there are things that you'd like to discuss you can't do that properly if your DC is cranky. I'd try again to rearrange and hope you speak to a nicer h/v.

Our 1 year check was in a big group, not one on one. It was at an awkward location, at an awkward time, and was a complete waste of time. People here are saying that you can't expect life to be arranged around your child's naps, and in some situations this is true. Of course, if something vitally important comes up you wouldn't miss it for a nap. But seeing the health visitor is not vitally important. You are more than capable of looking up milestones online and deciding for yourself if your child is significantly behind. And equally able to work out that not all children hit their milestones at exactly the same time. You don't need a health visitor to do that for you. If you are concerned you are also able to approach your GP for referrals without their help. You don't need them!

But Sirzy, in that case the HV just says "I only have a 2 hour slot for these, so do you want an appointment at the beginning or the end of it?" and the OP makes the best of it. It isn't INSANE to try to fit things around a sleeping child, especially when the thing is ALL ABOUT THAT CHILD IN THE FIRST PLACE.
For little children, their day time sleep is as important as their night time sleep. For some of us, being woken up at 2 am would be a massive pain in the arse and would fuck up the rest of the day / week. If you had a call with China and you had to do it, you would try to make it late one evening or early one morning rather than right in the middle at 2am. But you lot are behaving as if the person saying, "honestly, does it really have to be 2am?" is saying the equivalent of "My baby only sees HVs who have gold plated weighing scales and wipes soaking in champagne."

YANBU to politely request an appointment change for whatever reason. She WBU to be so rude.
Can you change HV? If not I'd go, but feel really miffed. I'd cancel on the day saying you are ill and hope you are given a better appointment next time

Don't worry about being precious about naps. I was and now have a 3 year old who is a perfect sleeper

Don't worry too much about the nap, DD2 slept through most of her 12 month review! She howled like a good un while being weighed and getting dressed, refused to do anything at all, even look at the HV and then fell asleep on my knee
The HV was content to talk to me about her development without observing her and left after about 10 minutes.
If you really would prefer to change the appt, phone back and politely insist. If they push for a reason, make one up that doesn't involve baby sleeps. HV's will be used to babies falling asleep on them though!
They just check weight and size, observe if possible and chat to you to make sure you're doing ok.
YABateenybitU, this really isn't something to to tie yourself up in knots about x

I'm just quoting this as representative of many posters' views.

"Seriously do you not go out everyday when she is supposed to be napping???"

What's so shocking about that? What happens in nurseries?

Being a SAHM isn't an endless round of lunches and shopping trips. Shopping can be done when the baby/toddler is awake (or online), and as for lunches with friends?? Hardly crucial and certainly not for the child's benefit.

You are missing the point.

You appear to be wanting to seek 'revenge' in a fit of pique by not taking up the offer of an appt which is in your and your child's best interests.

They will not care a hoot whether you make it or not, so your chagrin will go completely unnoticed.

Life throws up all sorts of little challenges that get in the way of 'routines'. That's something you have to get used to. I may be wrong, but I would guess this is your first child. Wait til you have your second and have baby and bawling toddler.

It would have nice had they been a bit more polite though.

Oh, and they can't just change baby clinic times to suit. They have to accommodate home visits, case conferences , child protection, paperwork, school visits for children with special needs, the list goes on.

"Wait til you have your second and have baby and bawling toddler"

All the more reason to keep to nap times, surely?

I don't think the OP wanted "revenge" at all - I think she was spoken to abruptly by a HV who'd previously undermined her parenting skills. I well remember - and I am quite old, so I don't understand why others can't remember what it's like - how inadequate I was made to feel by various HVs. Some of the "advice" I was given about breastfeeding and weaning was dangerously wrong.

I stopped consulting them after my first baby, and managed perfectly well with the other three.

How was she a 'cow'?

I've read your OP twice now and unless you've left something out, I'd say she was just being direct.

Sending out appointments that avoid every individual child's nap time, would be totally impossible.

I never went to any of these. Unless your DC has some sort of special needs or you have specific questions I wouldn't worry about attending.

I think it's a bit much to call the HV an absolute cow.

Replay the conversation you had and think how the nap comment must have sounded.

I wouldn't go.

By my 3rd DC I was so fed up with HVs that I bought my own baby scales and weighed her at home.

If they really wanted to see me they came to the house.

DystopianReality - lots of things do come in the way of routines, and you weigh up if they can be moved to a more suitable time, and if not, do you really need to do them? the first port of call for most people if an appointment time you've been offered is over a nap, or meal time, or when you need to pick an older DC up from pre-school/school would be to call and see if it can be moved. all of these obsticals to me making an appointment can be got over with a little help from others/making a hungry toddler wait for a meal/keeping an overtied baby awake etc, but it's really not odd to enquire if an appointment can be moved. It's also not odd to consider if you need somehting like this.

And if it can't, to question if you really need it. (DC1 I saw the midwife a lot until he was 11 months old and started at nursery as I was going back to work - he didn't have a 1 year old check with them because I was at work, currently pregnant with DC2, I might go along for weighing now and then, but wouldn't bother asking their advice for anything as they will either tell me to apply olive oil or breast milk regardless if you need medical advice they're not really the best)

Ok, this will be my last post, then I won't be checking this thread again.

I can see now that it was stupid of me to post this in AIBU.

If you have a child that can be flexible about their naps, and can cope with a missed nap, then all I can say is, you're lucky. Please appreciate that not all babies are like this. My dd really doesn't cope well with a late or missed nap, and is liable to have a meltdown, then be cranky for the rest of the day. This is why I wanted to change the appointment time. I have no idea what goes on at HV reviews, as this is my first child, but I'm guessing it's difficult to assess a babies' development if they're screaming.

If you've only ever had good experiences with HVs then you're also lucky. Please tell me where you live so I can move there.

Unfortunately I don't go out to lunch with friends/shopping/to the library when DD should be napping (as somebody asked), as I find it's not worth the stress that a missed nap results in. She won't sleep in the car or the pushchair.

I seem to be getting some barbs for crying. I didn't mention this in the OP, as I didn't feel it was relevant, but I have been suffering with PND since DD was born. I realise now that it was totally stupid of me to post something like this on mumsnet when I'm feeling fragile and vulnerable. I know I brought it on myself to a certain degree by posting in AIBU (I didn't know there was a chat), but I'm still saddened that some people feel it's ok to judge and criticise other mothers. We should be supporting each other on here, as at the end of the day, we're all just trying to get by as best we know how. I know I asked for opinions, but I do feel that some people have been unnecessarily unpleasant.

To those of you who have been nice, thanks for the understanding and support.

"You appear to be wanting to seek 'revenge' in a fit of pique by not taking up the offer of an appt which is in your and your child's best interests.

They will not care a hoot whether you make it or not, so your chagrin will go completely unnoticed."

This is such an excellent point. I thought the same thing when I read the thread title.

Leave it, you did what you wanted to do and that is perfectly understandable and right for you AND the baby.

I had a stroppy HV call me up giving me 30 mins notice of popping round when I hadn't slept for DAYS.

I told her NO, and asked to make it later in the day, she was rude and stroppy, I called my usual MW and told them NEVER to allow her to contact me again.

If you need to cry sweety, you cry. Bugger and bollocks to ANYONE who has the lack of manners to say anything.

This is AIBU and there are some who like a ruck, even if it makes absolutely no sense at all to have one.

Post on the baby threads and you won't have the same response.

Bottom line, YANBU, stuff them and anyone else who thinks you are.

book an appointment with the nurse at the GP practice, so just do that in the first place. (Nurses in GP practices are very knowledgable and useful people)

Nurses are very knowledgable, but probably not for developmental assessments.

Unless your DC has some sort of special needs it is possible that a child has sn, and at 1,you would not be aware, or 100% sure. That is why reviews like this are important.

Namethat if you do pop back - some people didn't agree with how you saw the situation, me included, that's not the same as being judgmental and harsh.

Ring again and say you need to move the appointment, don't explain why.

Also you don't need to go if you don't think it's essential. I'm sure your DD will do just fine without seeing a HV.

Bless you, namethattune - AIBU is a bit like that, I remember being in tears and being ripped to shreds over (what was admittedly a fairly insane) thread I started. I'm sorry you have been suffering with PND and I hope you're getting the help you need.

What happens at the 9 to 12 month check as far as I remember with DC1 was we went to the children's centre. Fairly dim woman looked at him playing on a mat for a bit. Gave us a bag of tat (inc plug socket covers which are actually more dangerous than leaving sockets uncovered. I told her this. She didn't like it). Told us DCs could now be forward facing in cars. I told her we had a scandi rearfacing seat that would last til he was 4. She didn't like that. Said he was on the 25th centile and I should breastfeed less and give him more chocolate puddings. We left.

Curryeater I love you.

You were both being a bit U - she was too harsh and you were U for expecting her to accommodate your baby's nap. I agree with the poster who said "you appear to be wanting to seek 'revenge' in a fit of pique by not taking up the offer of an appt which is in your and your child's best interests. They will not care a hoot whether you make it or not, so your chagrin will go completely unnoticed."

In the nicest possible way, let it go. Tomorrow is another day. :)

They probably only do the clinics at certain times of the day. I found this when my DD had to go for her one year immunisations they only did that clinic on a Thursday afternoon right on her nap time but we had to take her and she was fine.

But they shouldn't have been rude to you.

Op. I can't see in your op where the HV was an "absolute cow".

You obviously found the encounter upsetting though which is a shame.
And it's possible she sounded unsympathetic which isn't helpful if you're feeling wobbly, I know.

Forgive the assumption.it is not a criticism, but is it possible that PND is affecting your judgement of these interactions with HV? I just ask because your experience of all of them seems poor. IME HCPs,just like the rest of us, vary widely.

Personally, I would go to the appt and talk about your baby (even if dd is asleep) and also about how you are feeling.

But equally if you would prefer not to then that is your right.

"Unfortunately I don't go out to lunch with friends/shopping/to the library when DD should be napping (as somebody asked), as I find it's not worth the stress that a missed nap results in. She won't sleep in the car or the pushchair."

It was me who asked.

I defy any child not to sleep if they're tired enough. The thing is you either plan your days and life around your small child or they fit in with you. If you choose not to go out that's fine, it's your choice but you can't expect everyone else to adapt or change plans to fit in with your child.