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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to tell them that it doesn't sit right with me?

33 replies

dilanddan · 15/05/2013 11:44

O.h and I are 22 and have a 10m/o l.g. We are friends with a couple who are 19 and who have recently decided to start trying for a baby.

Personally I think they're a lovely couple who are going about things in a good manner like me and my o.h did. e.g looking for and renting a nice place, both have good jobs and have been saving for a while and both seem like they would make lovely parents. (I have no judgement as to their age as obviously me and my o.h had our l.g young)

But what "gets" me is the fact that they are not planning on telling their parents they are trying for a baby and when they fall pg they're going to say it was an accident. This upsets me as that baby is always going to be thought of as an accident and a mistake by the wider family, despite the fact it is a planned pg.

WIBU to tell them not to such a thing about their future baby? Or should I just let them get on with it and stop poking my nose in ?

OP posts:
Original poster
dilanddan · 15/05/2013 11:45

Sorry; not to say such a thing about their future baby

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 15/05/2013 11:47

Tbh I wouldn't give it a second thought what they did.

FoxyRevenger · 15/05/2013 11:49

Well it doesn't paint them in a very mature light but it's not really anyone else's business I guess.

pinkyredrose · 15/05/2013 11:50

Let them get on with it, it's their lives.

Sokmonsta · 15/05/2013 11:51

Let them get on with it. Sometimes people are more judgemental when they think a baby was planned young rather than rallying round with help and support to make sure the accidental parents aren't left adrift.

If you do feel the need to say something, I'd suggest 'not planned but very much wanted' might be a better way of phrasing it so people don't get the wrong idea and think they are burdening themselves.

CrazyOldCatLady · 15/05/2013 11:51

It's none of your business.

ThedementedPenguin · 15/05/2013 11:51

Well I don't agree with you. The baby won't be thought of as an accident or mistake. It really bugs me when people say this.

I have a ds who is 8 months now. He was completely unplanned but I would never call him an accident or mistake and if I heard any one say that about him I would go ballistic.

Do you know there families? Maybe they feel they can't tell them it is planned, as some parents would go mental about it. They may feel this is the only way the parents would accept it.

Have you spoken to them about it?

SavoyCabbage · 15/05/2013 11:52

It wouldn't have crossed my mind to tell my parents I was trying for a baby. Not for a second. And we are close. I think you are over thinking this.

Eskino · 15/05/2013 11:55

Well when the time comes and they do conceive and are at the stage where they are ready to tell their wider family, and if the question comes up they can always say, "yes we were actually trying for a baby" instead of, "Oh, no we were just trying to see what would fit in which hole and, whoopsadaisy look what happened!".

In the grand scheme of things, it won't really matter.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 15/05/2013 11:56

It also doesn't matter if it sits right with you or not, its totally up to them.

Does it really matter if the family think the baby is a happy accident or know its planned?

quesadilla · 15/05/2013 11:57

It's none of your business but also I can totally understand not wanting to tell family about ttc. I didn't tell my parents until after my first scan. I was 38 so at the other end of the conception spectrum so obviously my concern was different. But families by and large accept children born into far less promising circumstances than this so I think the idea that the grandparents are going to be preoccupied with the circumstances of the baby's conception - when it has two loving parents in a stable relationship - is absurd.

Kewcumber · 15/05/2013 12:00

none of your business.

A baby is a baby - can't believe anyone much cares after the baby has arrived.

quoteunquote · 15/05/2013 12:07

the best of luck to them,

I suspect they would rather enjoy the process rather than, have other people's projected negativity.

no doubt they will happily let others in on their decision process, when the reactions, will not taint the experience.

SgtTJCalhoun · 15/05/2013 12:09

Of course YABU. Why do you think they would care that it doesn't "sit right" with you?

digerd · 15/05/2013 12:10

My DM smiled as she told me decades ago, that Dad had always used a condom so we were all mistakes. Her expression meant " we were all lovely surprises" for her anyway.
It didn't bother me as Dad had never cuddled us, as in those days they didn't, as worn out from working to provide for us and men didn't do that anyway.

everlong · 15/05/2013 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

echt · 15/05/2013 12:12

How on earth is it any of your business?

Think what you like, but keep you rbeak out.

landofsoapandglory · 15/05/2013 12:15

YABU it's nothing to do with you.

It never crossed my mind to tell our parents, or anyone, that we were ttc.

wankerchief · 15/05/2013 12:24

I cant imagine telling my parents I was trying to conceive.

Mind you my dad has no shame and would ask 'hows the shagging going? Knocked up yet?' And he would do it in public

Satnightdropout · 15/05/2013 12:25

My parents think this pregnancy was an accident but that's because by the time I could be bothered to say anything I was 10 weeks, and think they would've been more upset knowing we'd waited so long tell her.
She doesn't think any less of this baby, and nor my son who is known as an accident :/

ZombiesAteMyBaby · 15/05/2013 14:03

We started trying for a baby when I was 19, we'd been together for 3 years by then. We got married a year later. As it was I'm glad we did start trying then because it took 5 years and a miscarriage before I actually had dd1 when was I was 24.

It's entirely up to them.

sparechange · 15/05/2013 14:07

Do you think people will actually ask them?
Granted, I'm quite a bit older than they are, but no one has ever, ever asked me that
And it wouldn't have occurred to me to tell my parents that I was trying. I would absolutely hate to have people scrutinizing me every time we met trying to work out if I was pregnant

DeepRedBetty · 15/05/2013 14:11

I think you're overthinking this one a bit OP. If the conversation ever floats that way by all means make your point to them, but TBH I don't really think it's going to matter and certainly isn't worth upsetting a friendship over.

diddl · 15/05/2013 14:18

I get the bit about not telling anyone about TTC-why would you?

But telling parents it wasn't planned-seems odd to me.

Why lie?

I think I'd have to askBlush

Helltotheno · 15/05/2013 14:19

This upsets me as that baby is always going to be thought of as an accident

This is such a narrow view. I can't believe there are still people who think like this. Don't you realise OP that everyone's existence turns on a sixpence? Put it this way, if your parents had shagged 10 minutes earlier, you wouldn't exist. Obviously one could never put a statistical figure on such a huge thing but I'd say well over half the pregnancies worldwide are 'unplanned', if we want to use that word. So what? The only thing that matters is what happens when that baby pops out...

Re the couple, they obviously know they'd get a lot of naysayers given their age and this is the way they're dealing with it. Their business....