To feel a bit down about my failed hen party plans

[MonstrousPippin]

I'm getting married in late July and a few weeks ago sent an email to all my friends telling them to save the first Saturday in July for the hen party. I wasn't sure what it was going to be but to know that it wouldn't be a big weekend away and wouldn't involve traveling out of our town. Apart from 2 people who already had holidays booked, I got positive responses about the date from everyone.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a drink with a few friends and we chatted about ideas and the consensus seemed to be that it would be great to hire a hot tub at my house and have a bit of a spa thing at home. I looked into it and it was going to either be quite pricey or affordable and shit.

Last week, after agonising for ages over what I should have that everyone would enjoy, I would enjoy and wouldn't be too expensive, I found a local hotel country club place that does a "champagne spa day" for £45 per head. This includes use of the pool, sauna, gym, jacuzzi, 2 course meal, champagne and strawberries, tea and coffee and a private lounge for the whole day. They obviously hope you'll order a massage or pedicure or something on top of that but it's not required. Considering it includes food and the place is well known for being really nice, I thought it was great value. Most other spa places I looked at were charging £60-70 and it didn't even include food.

The minimum number of people they require for this deal is 6. My mum already said yes, and considering I have one bridesmaid, I thought I'd only need another 3 people to agree to get the £45 per head deal. I've emailed 20 friends and pretty much all of them have replied, although interestingly I've not heard a peep out of my bridesmaid despite talking to her several times since and sending her info on Facebook as well. In my email I was clear I wouldn't be offended if a spa thing is not your idea of fun or if you don't have the money because I totally understand that, so I said we could have drinks and cakes at my house in the evening.

I guess I just expected out of 20 people that maybe 3 would be interested enough to come with me. I can hardly believe it, but apparently not. Only two people responded positively and definitely that they would like to come and one of those two retracted it the day after. General view from people is that it's too expensive.

I've had to cancel my provisional booking with the spa. I guess I could go on my own and still have a nice time.

Just last week I went on a hen do which was a meal out, fancy dress costume required, followed by drinks out on the town and taxi home. Everyone who went to that even chipped in to pay for the hen's meal. Pretty sure that all came to more than £45 for everyone considering what I ordered at the meal was £30. Makes me feel a bit of a fool for shelling out to go to other people's hen parties over the years. I've traveled all over the country for them in the past, bought costumes, paid for activities, paid for hotels, done stuff I didn't want to for the sake of the hen. Perhaps I was a bit of an idiot.

Sorry this is so long. I just feel quite down about it right now because I just sent out the cancellation email.

[KC225]

I think your mum should have a word (or even your DP as it's his sister) with your bridesmaid and tell her how disappointed and let down you are at the response. Then maybe she can rally a email voicing some of the points you have raised ie all the effort you have gone to, everyone seemed keen on the idea, the champagne and cake at your house afterwards etc. Sometimes people need a kick up the backside and in this weather, July feel like a lifetime away. Try again. Tell your bridesmaid to get her finger out and rally the troops.

[YellowDinosaur]

How about getting one of these if you can use it at a place near you?

I've got one and I can have a day at a spa with a mini treatment and lunch for 2 people. Worth checking out? It would make it more affordable for others or if not not so expensive for you and your Mum. There are different offers all round the UK that you can use it for.

[Decoy]

It sounds like it would have been great. I would have come!

IMHO, as snuffaluffagus says, you make the effort for your friends. This means going along happily with whatever they choose for their hen celebrations, even if it's not really your cup of tea. What goes around should come around!

[Bearbehind]

I am really surprised that with the exception of me and backforgood, everyone expects people to pay more than £45 to go on a trip they don't want to! Really- why should they?

Are people really all so affluent that they can afford to literally throw that much money away on someone else's whim and then pay out for the wedding a few weeks later.

The £45 doesn't include any treatments and surely the whole point of going to a spa is to have treatments. You might as well go to the local swimming baths for a lot less money. I bet each treatment is about the same again.

Also, I can't think of anything worse than sitting around in my swimming cossie all afternoon with a load of other women.

[MonstrousPippin]

Yeah, I've clearly fucked up on this one. It was a shit idea. Perhaps I should have checked on here what people thought of the idea.

I'll stick with the drinks and cake at my house. DP says to leave the organising now and get bridesmaid to sort out details. I think I might have to as I feel my judgement was out of touch thus far.

We weren't planning a honeymoon so we've decided we'll have a night away at some spa place as a mini honeymoon instead. Not sure it's properly his idea of fun but he's not tried it before so he said he'll give it a go which is really sweet of him.

Ah well. Everything's a learning experience. I get everything people have said. I just didn't realise it was a crap idea to such levels that virtually no one would want to do it. Shucks.

[rumbelina]

Have it at yours, hire a hot tub, put on a picnic/bbq, crack the champagne and it'll all be fine.

I was 6 months pregnant for mine so had a picnic, loads came and it was a lovely day.

[rumbelina]

It wasn't a crap idea, it just isn't everyone's idea of fun, its probably not about the money.

[RubyOnRails]

You poor thing, they'd being a bit selfish really. I didn't have one at all, I was up the duff and feeling super miserable haha. It's not about numbers, just the a couple of close friends along, there's no point in trying please people like that

[YoniMitchell]

I hate spa days but would happily go for one if it was my mate's hen do and would mean a lot to her, so yanbu imo.

Strange that so many are sayi g no though, I take it they've all been invited to the wedding? If not and you're just looking to invite them to the hen then I could understand them declining.

[OHforDUCKScake]

I think that was a good idea actually, and if it was me, would have felt let down by my friends.

Ive been to some really crap hen do's but I went because I love my friends. Champagne and spa sounds great.

And out of 20 one said yes, just because they dont like the idea of a spa?

Sorry but thats a crap excuse. Im on your behalf. I dont think you messed anything up at all.

[icklemssunshine1]

YANBU.

Why are you organising your own hen-do? Surely that's the job of the bridesmaid? I'm married & my bridesmaid organised mine & I've also been a bridesmaid & organised one too.

£45 is cheap! I've been to two hen do's (last year & year before) & they cost between £100-£120. I thought that was the average for a day activity, night out & stay in a hotel.

[BooCanary]

Shocked at the selfish 'why should I have to do something I don't want to do' attitude of some people.

I have been on plenty of hen dos that were not my cup of tea, and almost every time I have met some great new people and surprised myself at how much fun I had.

As long as the organiser recognises that we havent all got 100s to spend, then I think people should suck it up, do something different and think of someone else for a change! The spa day sounds like fun IMO. Do it anyway OP.

[OnwardBound]

I understand your disappointment about this.

I think for a hen do people should just suck it up really even if a spa day is not their idea of a good time.

It is for the hen after all.

The only real excuse is can't afford it in my book.

OP I still feel bad that hardly any of my friends attended my wedding overseas in my country of origin. I understood the 'can't afford it' justification but it was others who didn't want to use their annual leave, had other plans [non important] at that time that really hurt.

This is after I have travelled to Australia, South Africa and Italy for friend's weddings so was upset that most of my friends couldn't bother to travel abroad for mine.

I got married 5 years ago and although I am still in contact with friends who didn't attend, for me the friendship has never been the same to be honest.

So just wanting to say I understand why you feel hurt and disappointed OP.

[youarewinning]

Are you sure your bridesmaid is not organising something for you?

20 people unavailable, uninterested, including the bridesmaid?

[Khaleese]

I think its all got out of hand with hen and stag do's. My dh has been on lots that cost £300 plus...its madness, add in hotel, outfits, gifts..

Can people not just have a nice meal out or a few drinks.

I'm not a spa person either...sorry, i would have made my excuses.

[Chandon]

Well, I think you made two small mistakes.

Firstly, by organising it yourself. Your bridesmaid could, and would, have been a bit more pushy on your behalf ( come on guys! Let me know by the end of this week) and the second error is that you are almost too polite by saying " oh. Yeah. So here is my hen do, I don't midn if you don't want to come, I understand if you cannot affor it, so...well, maybe if you fancy it a tiny bit, maybe think about going".

No need to apply hard pressure, but IMO, a BIT of pressure to get people to commit is required in these cases. A the very least some " pressure" to rsvp.

[TheseFoolishThings]

I'm a proper old misery guts and I cannot bear the idea of a 'hen night' - almost no matter what form it takes. I didn't have one and I've never been to one. And I'm absolutely with squeaky and all the others who say a spa day is their idea of hell. It is my idea of hell and the 7 circles of more hell within it. I'm sure the cost is a factor for some but I really do wonder how many of your friends do feel that a spa day is up there with a day in custody in a Thai jail! They may not have said for the sake of not being rude, but when it came to it they just couldn't go through with it. I don't know - but I'm sure your cake and booze party will be just fine and to me sounds much more like fun.

[Bearbehind]

onwardbound has completely proved my point on this by saying she is still upset that people chose but to fly abroad for her wedding because they had other 'non-important' things to do.

Her wedding was not as important to others as it was to her and who is she to decide what is and isn't important.

I think people have become ridiculously entitled in what they think others should and should not do with regards to their own wedding arrangements. I wouldn't pay to go abroad for some one else's wedding unless it was somewhere I wanted to go to and it worked for me time wise.

I don't think the OP's idea was a really bad one, I just think if you want to do something like that you should pay for it yourself or be perfectly happy that others might opt out.

[MonstrousPippin]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the comments and advice. I've been on Mumsnet for quite a while and so I know that some people hate the spa day thing. Perhaps that's why I was a little bit overly understanding in my emails if someone didn't want to come.

I'm thinking perhaps not wanting to is the real reason from most people rather than the money. People have said it's the money and I'm not sure it is (remember I know these people) rather than saying they don't want to as in some ways it's worse to say "I don't like your idea" perhaps? One person said they didn't have the money but then suggested a trip to Alton Towers instead?!! (we live hundreds of miles from Alton Towers and last time I went we had to stay over a night because really it's too far to go for the day). It was round about then that I started the sniffling! I didn't say anything much in response.

Anyway, I'm feeling much better about it today. Everyone's right about getting the others + bridesmaid to do some arranging. I guess I don't like putting people out and I worry too much about what other people will think - that's why it was such an agonising process for me to figure out what the plan for the hen do should be. I didn't want to choose something everyone would hate and considering the conversations about jacuzzis and massages with my friends previously I thought I was onto something.

We'll go with the party at my place. I'll provide the champagne and then whatever else happens can be down to them. I'll go on the spa with DP (who will then be DH) so I'll still get to do it. This is one of those things that if I dwell on and hold against my mates, I'll just make myself unhappy so onwards and upwards.

OnwardBound It feels so disappointing when something you've built up, imagining everyone there and the fun you'll have and then you realise it isn't going to be like that. Although we know our friends really well, I suppose there must be so much that we also don't know about them. We may never know the real reasons why people say no to stuff but if people treat me well in all other respects, I think it's something to forgive and forget on. For others, your wedding is one of many but for us it's our special moment. People may not realise how much it means to you and wouldn't have made that choice if they'd have known. I'm sure I've done it to others in the past. I think it's easy to think "lots of other people will be there so it'll be okay for them" too. Traveling abroad is quite a big deal so there may be real reasons other than not wanting too, such as sick family or whatnot. I hope you still had a great time.

[MisForMumNotMaid]

Why not have the spa day with your mum, groupon and the likes are always having spa and afternoon tea for two type offers, then come back all pampered and have cake and champagne with everyone?

Could your bridesmaid sort the cake and polish/ hire glases and decorate for you whilst your out so its all laid on for you?

[diddl]

Seems odd doesn't it-the lack of interest considering it's pretty close to what was suggested?

Are any a bit miffed that you've taken the idea & improved it/made it yours?-not that you shouldn't, of course as it's all about what you want.

I'm not a spa person but this sounds great to me.

However, I'd probably want to spend the time swimming, so that wouldn't make it sociable!!

[MonstrousPippin]

Oo I like that idea MisForMumNotMaid

I've arranged to meet with my bridesmaid for coffee this afternoon and instead of being an idiot person who "doesn't want to put anyone out" I'm going to push for a few bridesmaidly duties. I'm sure she can blow up a few balloons without being too inconvenienced.

Mum sounded disappointed when I told her I'd cancelled it so I'll look into something we can do together. It might be nice anyway as it took her a while to come round to me getting married again (after the first one went a bit wrong) but now she's being really supportive about the wedding and helped me buy some shoes yesterday.

Perhaps it's all turning out for the better after all. Glad I posted. Thank you everyone!

[OnwardBound]

Bearbehind I don't think I am entitled .

I accepted all excuses made with good grace and no histrionics.

But it did hurt when I had made the effort to attend good friend's weddings overseas and they didn't make the same effort to attend mine.

As I said, I understood when people said they couldn't afford it but to be honest a friend saying they wouldn't bother going because my country of origin was not a place they wanted to visit really sucks.

To me, attending weddings is about reaffirming the importance of the bridal couple in your life.

So I am still friendly with those people who just didn't consider it important enough to them to attend my wedding but in my mind they have been relegated to a 'b' group of acquaintance friends, not my most cherished and valued friends.

If that makes me entitled so be it.

I think your attitude is a bit off to be honest but each to their own.

[smornintime]

YANBU, I would be disappointed too. I hope you get to do something nice with your mum and DH later!

[Decoy]

Shocked at the selfish 'why should I have to do something I don't want to do' attitude of some people.

Hear, hear.