To feel a bit down about my failed hen party plans

[MonstrousPippin]

I'm getting married in late July and a few weeks ago sent an email to all my friends telling them to save the first Saturday in July for the hen party. I wasn't sure what it was going to be but to know that it wouldn't be a big weekend away and wouldn't involve traveling out of our town. Apart from 2 people who already had holidays booked, I got positive responses about the date from everyone.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a drink with a few friends and we chatted about ideas and the consensus seemed to be that it would be great to hire a hot tub at my house and have a bit of a spa thing at home. I looked into it and it was going to either be quite pricey or affordable and shit.

Last week, after agonising for ages over what I should have that everyone would enjoy, I would enjoy and wouldn't be too expensive, I found a local hotel country club place that does a "champagne spa day" for £45 per head. This includes use of the pool, sauna, gym, jacuzzi, 2 course meal, champagne and strawberries, tea and coffee and a private lounge for the whole day. They obviously hope you'll order a massage or pedicure or something on top of that but it's not required. Considering it includes food and the place is well known for being really nice, I thought it was great value. Most other spa places I looked at were charging £60-70 and it didn't even include food.

The minimum number of people they require for this deal is 6. My mum already said yes, and considering I have one bridesmaid, I thought I'd only need another 3 people to agree to get the £45 per head deal. I've emailed 20 friends and pretty much all of them have replied, although interestingly I've not heard a peep out of my bridesmaid despite talking to her several times since and sending her info on Facebook as well. In my email I was clear I wouldn't be offended if a spa thing is not your idea of fun or if you don't have the money because I totally understand that, so I said we could have drinks and cakes at my house in the evening.

I guess I just expected out of 20 people that maybe 3 would be interested enough to come with me. I can hardly believe it, but apparently not. Only two people responded positively and definitely that they would like to come and one of those two retracted it the day after. General view from people is that it's too expensive.

I've had to cancel my provisional booking with the spa. I guess I could go on my own and still have a nice time.

Just last week I went on a hen do which was a meal out, fancy dress costume required, followed by drinks out on the town and taxi home. Everyone who went to that even chipped in to pay for the hen's meal. Pretty sure that all came to more than £45 for everyone considering what I ordered at the meal was £30. Makes me feel a bit of a fool for shelling out to go to other people's hen parties over the years. I've traveled all over the country for them in the past, bought costumes, paid for activities, paid for hotels, done stuff I didn't want to for the sake of the hen. Perhaps I was a bit of an idiot.

Sorry this is so long. I just feel quite down about it right now because I just sent out the cancellation email.

I think they're being really mean and yanbu. It's a very reasonable price and a good opportunity for different friends to meet before the wedding. Spas, (see also: strippers, organised jollity) are not my bag but you go to support your friends and do something different - and it's normally quite fun in the end.

The only thing I can think it maybe you made it too optional/informal? I arranged my friend's hen night and after 'helpful' suggestions from everyone I realised you can't do these things by committee, so I just made the decisions myself. They might think the cakes & booze at your gaff is the main event & the spa was just an idea.

Either approach people individually and get enough together for the spa or write that off/go with your mum and focus on the party. Agree your bm should be stepping up (I've only ever been on hen nights organised by bms) - maybe she needs to get on the case? I think the key phrase is, 'can't wait to see what you have planned for me!'

There seems to be a view often aired on MN that no-one cares about your wedding/baby/life and to stop boring them with it. That's definitely not my experience. I love hearing about my friends' lives and even those I don't see all the time I am pleased to hear from or be invited to stuff. Don't be downhearted. Hope you have a great time.

That is a bit mean. I think I have only been on one hen do that was my sort of thing and that was my own. You suck it up for your friend.

Your plans sound lovely, I would have been keen.

Unless they can't afford it, I think they should go with what you want to do. I hope they all feel guilty getting your cancellation.

Hope you manage to organise something just as nice.

What exactly did you put in the email? It rather sounds like you've changed the plan several times so maybe folk don't think this plan will sit.

I'm sure the mistake was to give an option, a cheap option or a cheaper option.

But you've got a positive on the date, they're fine with that - you just need to come up with something. Is any one of your friends an organiser, some people just find it easy, why not email her and say that no one was keen on the spa what else does she suggest for 20 people. Or chase up your bridesmaid.

You could post a thread on here for suggestions. I'm useless at this stuff so can't help there, sorry.

YANBU to feel a bit down. I agree with others that you sound like a nice person, this may or may not be a factor in people feeling you won't mind if they let you down. But it's not too late to salvage something you can enjoy with the friends that matter most.

Go to the spa with those who are interested, go ahead with the cake and fizz idea at yours for the rest. You could add a theme if you wanted to e.g 80s or WAGs or something else to get everyone in the party mood and break the ice.

But my main reason for posting was to say that I had a disappointing hen when I got married 8 years ago and honestly the memories have faded I only really remember the bits of it that went well. The most important thing here is your marriage and in a short while you wont care less how your hen turned out. Let your hurt feelings go and just enjoy the excitement of this pre-wedding time, however your hen event turns out.

I feel for you.
I really hate the traditional fancy-dress, willy-dummy kind of hen night, in fact (secretly) when I get invited to one I can take a bit of convincing (yeah, great friend eh?)

....and this spa day really appeals to me!

Is it possible that some friends who like the whole L plates thing think it might be a bit boring and booze-free for them? And that others who fancy the idea might be a but put off by cost? Yes, it's only £45 which isn't a lot, but they might fear the etiquette of 'having' to buy expensive treatments and extras and stuff?

msjupiterjones I think there's a difference between people not caring about your wedding/ baby/ life etc and people not wanting to make a financial commitment to it.

I'm clearly in the minority on this thread but it has been my experience that if a lot of your circle of friends are getting married at the same time, you dont really want to keep forking out money and taking up time for hen do's etc, especially when they are not really your thing.

I just think brides should consider the fact that the biggest day of their lives is not the biggest day of everyone else's and no one should really have to do something they dont want to just because you have chosen to celebrate your marriage in a certain way.

YANBU. £45 is nothing for a hen night and I would expect your average friend to stump this up, even if they didn't like spas.

I don't want to get your hopes up and as such, hesitate to mention this, but is it possible your bridesmaid is arranging something as a surprise? It's usually bridesmaids who organise hen nights and might explain her apparent lack of interest and everyone turning you down.

Thanks for your replies everyone. My bridesmaid is DPs little sister although she is 27 so not so little IYSWIM. It's my second marriage. Wasn't planning on having a bridesmaid but then she suddenly seemed keen when we first got engaged so it kind of happened like that. We get along okay and see each other fairly regularly but it's not like having your best friend since school as maid of honour.

Not sure if that helps explain the relationship very well.

I suppose I was a bit miffed about the universal rejection of the spa after the general keenness I picked up when ideas were being discussed. I'd given to the end of the week to respond but most people had by today. I just thought I'd be happier to make a decision to go alone rather than sit through it thinking about the people who didn't come.

DP thinks I've been too nice. I know specifically of a couple who would struggle to pay so didn't want them to feel bad or spend money they don't have on me. BUT at the end of the day, I'd rather everyone enjoy themselves and I guess they would have found the money if they thought they'd enjoy it. I would feel bad if they hated it but did it anyway.

It'll all work out in the end. I won a case of champagne at a wedding show a few months back snd have been saving it for the hen do. Crack that open and I'm sure I'll feel better!

it's not even as if you've not given them a lot of notice, 2 paychecks to get 45 pound together, even I could do that, then drink all the champagne myself

It is a shame, I do agree that you've made such an effort to got to other people's it would be nice if they reciprocated.

It wouldn't be my cup of tea though and I have to admit I would probably have not really wanted to go, even though I could afford it, Saturdays are family time for us and I don't like spas one bit. However if you had been to my hen do (which is hypothetical because I didn't have one) I would have come (and probably enjoyed myself despite my misgivings) because that is the nice thing to do.

I think you've every right to be down in the dumps about your failed hen plans...I think the enthusiasm over the idea of a spa/hot tub party at yours was because they thouhgt you would pay for the hot tub hire so they didn't expect to pay out for anything other than a bottle of wine and a taxi to and from home-probably totalling no more than £30 if that! Now they're expected to pay out minimum £45 and probably won't even get drunk as its a "day time" thing and go to yours with a bottle and maybe a cake in the evening.

Hen do's are traditionally about getting as drunk as possible and stumbling home at 4am. Spa days don't involve any of that. Don't get me wrong,I love the idea of a spa day for a hen do and would much rather attend that than a massive bar crawl round the town centre but perhaps that's what all your hens are expecting and want to do? Regardless of the cost of doing it.

At a guess,they will probably be more happy to attend the cake and fizz party in the evening as its far cheaper for everyone involved and,of course,they can and will get drunk. I think part of the problem is the timing of your hen party,its the begining of the month which is when most people pay all their bills,rent/mortgage ect so they were probably banking on having a great time for as little cost as possible,now they think they have to shell out £45 for a spa day,because of the champagne part they have to either drive and not drink or drink and pay for taxi there and home again,plus money on a bottle of plonk and taxi to and from home to your house in the evening,meaning the cost for that day is going to hit around £100 or more,plus any potential babysitting fees and its just not affordable or do-able for a lot of them? Especially if they will need babysitters. I know I couldn't afford or find a babysitter to look after my child all afternoon and then again all evening.

I'd just stick to the cake and fizz party with your friends in the evening and do the spa day with your mum and maybe the bridesmaid if she can afford it and is up for it :) That way your friends get a cheap drunken night and you get your spa day without worrying about who will and won't bother to turn up or get back to you :)

YANBU, I would feel the same. I think the spa plan sounded lovely, and £45 is very reasonable. The hen parties I have been on recently have all been ridiculously expensive so I would be chuffed to be invited to one that included all that for £45! Like others have said, maybe your friends expected it to cheaper or just wanted to get drunk? I hope you get something lovely sorted, you sound really nice and deserve a good hen do!

Normally a spa day wouldn't be my cup of tea, right now it sounds fab however, my closest friend had a spa weekend for her hen do.
I went, and enjoyed myself as much as a pregnant woman could because of the people (as much as the spa).
Can I come to your hen do? please?

Sounds like a reasonable price but spa days are not really my idea of fun either.

I agree with BearBehind
£45 might be good value for a spa day (I have no idea, I've never been on one) but it's a lot of money for people on a restricted budget who will be spending money going to your wedding a couple of weeks later, particularly if it's not "their thing".
I think people who are used to spending £30 + on a night out wouldn't bat an eyelid, but there's a lot of us around that don't have that "personal spending budget", and would value much more using that money for something they really enjoy, if it's a once in 6 months treat.

If a close friend wanted to do something I wasn't keen on for her hen, I would do it regardless because I love her.. Unless it was way out of my price range. £45 for food, drink and activity etc is reasonable when compared to most hens, so yes, I'd be hurt in your place too.

I think it's really odd that they have all been up for it then changed their minds. I think it's a bit mean actually - £45 is definitely not expensive. Who care if a lot of MNetters aren't up for it - they weren't invited!

YANBU - so sorry for you. Like you, I have spent a fortune on friends' hen dos regardless of whether it was my taste. It is probably a combination of money and personal choice - e.g. some of those people might happily spend that much on a booze up, but think it's too much for a daytime event.

I hope you can make an alternative plan that they will be happy to come along to.

In your position I would probably get the bridesmaid to sound out the friends to work out what they are prepared to do/spend. No point doing more research to be rejected again.

See, for me, its not about what the guests enjoy. If someone matters to you then as long as you can afford it, you go.on the hen.

Its your weekend. So you do what you want to do.

I would only ever say no to a friends hen if I couldnt afford it, no matter what it was.

Bless ou, you do sound upset and I don't blame you. Yes do crack open some of that champagne, now that you don't have to waste it on those Trollopes.

I really don't like spa days but I would stump up 45 quid on one for a mate.

Thing being, if you don't have £45 in your budget, then it might as well be £450. It's all very well saying 'it's not a lot to spend on a hen night', but if your budget doesn't run to "going out money" each month, then it's still a lot. I read MN enough to know that people have £500 hen weekends, so, in comparison it sounds a bargain, but it's still a lot of money for a young family on a budget who are already factoring in being out at the wedding later that month.

Well I think your friends sound like a shitty bunch.

All 20 of them can't be in such financial dire straits that they can't afford £45. If these are people whose hen nights/weekends you've attended well then it's doubly out of order.

If it's a good friend, you just go along with whatever activities have been planned. I don't understand the 'well I wouldn't enjoy that so I wouldn't go either'. It's about friendship.