Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

London.

I totally agree with not wanting to talk about work or dc when socialising. I also wouldn't want to be defined by the role or job I decide to take. On here i use the term sahm because its whats accepted here, most seem to understand what it means and its quick to type. However, in rl if anybody ask what I do I tell them several things I've done that day or a variety of my usual daily stuff.
I am an individual not a job, or one particular role with responsibilities and a title.
I too don't care what people say or think and believe if they are arsy or judgemental it is their ignorance, petty jealousy, and narrow mindedness that makes them like that and then I pity their awful lives.
I also agree that it is those who wish they were doing the opposite to what they are and aren't happy with their lives that are nasty or judgemental. A wohm doesn't dump her kids at a dumping ground the same as a sahm isn't lazy.

cheryl who is bitter?

Why would they be bitter?

I love hearing about other people's work too. and there is nothing as great as knowing other people's business.

I come form a line of women shopkeepers. it is my cultural heritage to be vvvvvery nosey. its a pity we no longer run the village PO, then we really did know everyone's business...

morethan you must not meet people with bvery interesting jobs!!! .

Recently I met a chap who devised a very popular telly series based losely on his childhood. He was hilarious. And fascinating. Surely if you had met him you wouldn't have asked about the weather? Or his hobbies?

I totally agree with not wanting to talk about work or dc when socialising. That's exactly what I talk about when socializing with my good friends, we just don't distinguish between paid work and child/household work. So my friends who SAH discuss that (including how they sometimes feel a lack of purpose/unsure what to do now the children are at school), my friends who work full-time OH discuss that (including how they feel very stressed/don't feel they are great at any one thing/wonder if they can keep this up for years) and my friends who work part-time (especially in very well paid part-time professional roles) look smugly at both of us!

In real-life I don't ever find that discussions of what we are doing in our daily lives go down these grooves, but we still manage to air some of the problems we have with our choices, we don't have to pretend there are no issues with them as seems to be the case when we discuss it on MN.

Honestly, I don't think most of us care that much about what other people do as their work . So long as my own work life is fulfilling, and that of the people closest to me who I care about , ie DH and my children, then that's all that really matters. It would bother me if my children end up in jobs they don't enjoy but beyond that, it really doesn't matter

wordfactory.

I was referring to friends as I said out socialising. I know what my friends do. When I meet people that is different, more often than not they are musicians, artists, and the creative type as these are the people I tend to meet through my dh business. People I meet in other places say the theatre, I wouldn't necessarily ask them about their job. In fact there are few situations where I would tbh. Dinner parties, not really going to talk about kids or work unless a business dinner and /or conversation called for it. I suppose I asked dc friends parents at school or activities initially, but I couldn't tell you now what they all do with their time or for a living.

I am terribly nosy faster and I find it very odd that somone could be close friends with lots of people and not have a clue about their background/workinglife to some extent.
I do think its perfectly reasonable to not want to talk about work/Dc all the time and lots of people do interesting things in their leisure time.

mumsy that's the same for my freinds and I. We talk about our lives. If we work, that will inevitably come up. I don't think I'd want ayone in my circle who started to yawn and change the subject if one of our fworking friends wanted to discuss that.

Similarly, I wouldn't want anyone in my circle who yawned and changed the subject if someone wanted to discuss their DC.

As for anyone's life being perfect, I simply don't believe it. People who assume that others are jealous of them are either arrogant or naive. And I say that as someone who has a pretty tidy set up vis a vis family and worklife balance.

I think we're entitled to perceive some of the posts here as indicating a certain bitterness.

A few examples:

It's a nice cushy lazy life. And I don't blame anybody for choosing it. But don't try and justify it.

I just think... lazy ... Sorry, but that's just an honest statement... Lots of us would like not to work (although I think most of us would be bored long-term) but human beings should be productive.

i thought my mum was boring and lazy for staying at home

you have people who seem to be fine expecting their husbands to go to work and provide for them whilst they potter around and 'do lunch'

We all agree that being at home makes you lazy, fat and boring.

You can agree or disagree with the perception of bitterness, but what's quite obvious is the fact that some people will not accept any justification for being a SAHP - whether mum or dad - other than laziness.

I agree, Stepawayfrom the screen, no one should be ashamed of being a SAHP. What I was pointing out was that someone (sorry, on a tablet I've never used before so I can't twiddle between pages - technical term - to find the name) said that most SAHD only stayed at home whilst the kids were at home and that, when the kids started school they either went back to work or did freelance part time working from home. So they don't get the sniffy comments which some SAHMs appear to get even though they may actually be in exactly the same position as the SAHDs. And that's because they define their roles differently.

As I've said previously, it's not my business what any of you do in your day and equally it's no-one's business what I do but it seems that, if you say SAHM you're looked on as lazy, financially stupid, under someone's thumb or wasting an education. A man who does the same thing, but defines it in different terms, is looked on differently - because people hear the 'I'm a volunteer, trustee, freelance whatever and disregard the 'work from home' bit. I bet the person who posted about freelancing dads has never asked how much they bring into the household - a freelancing or start up business mum may well earn more but she may say 'I'm a SAHM who's starting up a business' and she'll be judged differently because of it because she's defined the SAH part first. Not fair. But until women stop being judgemental of other women's choices that's not going to change.

I wasn't talking about friends either. Obviously I talk with friends and family about what I do - but not acquaintances or people I've just met in a social situation.

Anyway, I suppose I'd better go, I have some important "faffing around" to catch up on.

Mumsy that was a great post exactly
If you care about your friends then you listen,encourage,chew the fat,put your experiences out there.In RL I have lovely supportive,funny,kind women who are my friends.All have done something different in terms of how they live their lives.

Well olgaga those statements are just opinions.

They may be right, They may be wrong. They are certainly subjective.

But I don't think any of them indicate bitterness of jealousy! And I think t's really lazy thinking to dismiss everyone's opinions as stemming from such feelings.

Alvin, I was talking about when I first met people. Some of my friends have been friends since school. I have no idea what they do other than their job title.

London I wouldn't need to ask most freelancers in my area about what they earn, The answer is not enough .

Perhaps the accusations of "bitterness" stem from the fact that there is no other apparent rational explanation for calling SAHP's "lazy".

Now that is a true statement Wordfactory! Right, off to my optician's appointment then an afternoon of tea, cucumber sandwiches and ironing my aprons sitting in a local hospital with my mum whilst she has her heart check. It's a carefree life...

It's just an opinion. It is subjective. It doesn't have to have a rational basis that will satisfy you.

But such an opinion is not necessarily based in jealousy or bitterness.

olgaga anyone who makes those type of comments to SAHP or WOHP isnt bitter they are narrowminded !
As are any generalisations made about any group within society.

Hmmm I became a Sahm for my children,not for me.When you become a mum your life changes forever and the needs of my children came first.

My children would have hated childcare(not saying all do but mine certainly would have) and I knew anyway that scrimping for a few years and being cared for by me was the very best option for them which no childcare setting could ever match.

Now this may not be true for all but it is for our family and many of my friends so kind of resent the sahp stigmatising that is starting to build up thanks to the Tories.

If working suits your family and your kids all power to you but please refrain from the pension alarm,career doom,laziness etc posts or I may have to start posting alarmist posts re the long term impact of childcare.Kind of sick of the way guilt mongering re wp is frowned upon but not re sahp.

There are negs with any choice.You pick,you choose which suits your family.

My job is really interesting. I'll talk the hindlegs off any donkey about it given the chance. So is my son.

Doesn't bother me at all that they define me. Obviously there are other things too, but they're fairly hefty.

I think the main reason for accusations, on both sides, is that is gets very tit for tat.

someone said Accusation X, so someone responded with Accusation y.... and so on.

oh an some people confuse their life and their experiences with some definitive rightness - which doesn't even exist, only opinions.

Ooh go on then throw a few alarmist things about childcare at us- you know you want to!!
Honestly- as long as our own children are growing up happily and successfully why do you think it would bother us?
Just as if you are happy at home and have arrangements in place for your future security then really it doesn't matter a jot to anyone else