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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay at Home mums

999 replies

marilynmonroe · 13/05/2013 21:01

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
olgaga · 16/05/2013 11:46

Yes I'd just like to clarify that I haven't actually made any accusations of bitterness, I was simply saying that it's understandable that some people might see it that way.

It's pretty appalling (and lazy) to label SAHMs as "lazy".

JenaiMorris · 16/05/2013 11:47

When you become a mum your life changes forever and the needs of my children came first

That's why I pulled my socks up and got myself a "proper" (ie one with prospects, pension etc) job. That's as opposed to the fun but going nowhere occupation I'd had for years, not SAHPing btw.

I've served my son far better that way.

There are so very many variables.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/05/2013 11:48

I too don't see why a person would term a whole group of people as lazy.
It could be narrow mindedness, bitterness, envy, a mix of those or a lack of imagination or creative ability themselves. It could even be they are incapable of seeing the value and satisfaction a person may have in their choice.
In comparison I can't ever imagine having to get up at the same time everyday, starting and finishing work within a set time, organising childcare, sometimes working with people I don't like, doing the same or similar repetitive tasks daily, only having a small time off in holidays per year. Having a role that somebody else has defined. Finding alternative childcare/taking time off for sick child sometimes with comments from colleagues.
If I thought long enough I could probably find lots of others. I would see this as my worst case scenario and a nightmare, others love this routine and thrive on it.
Its each to their own

olgaga · 16/05/2013 11:49

Pressed post too soon...

What I mean is, if someone worked as a nanny/housekeeper for a wage they wouldn't be regarded as lazy. Why should someone who works as a nanny/housekeeper for free be regarded as lazy?

I also think there is a certain bitterness that has come through in comments about what SAHPs do in their own time, as if SAHPs are somehow not deserving of their own time.

wordfactory · 16/05/2013 11:51

blueskies I think it's really really important that women understand the possible impact of staying at home might have!

Taking any decision should involve, for any right thinking person, a proper deliberation of the issues.

The pretence that is often peddled to women is just sexist bollocks and highly damaging. We women deserve better.

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 16/05/2013 11:51

About as much Janey as those who bang on about pensions,role model want to and do.

I think sahm posters are far more restrained re pushing their ideal.

Find it interesting that the same posters pushing the working parent option end up on every sahm thread even one asking for views,experience from SAHMs(not wp)!Confused

AlvinHallsGroupie · 16/05/2013 11:52

Blue you could do re:childcare but I think it would be narrowminded, petty and wouldnt apply to me anywayGrin

The "pension alarm" isnt just scaremongering nor is the "career doom"
Women should really get their finances in order to protect themselves whether SAHM or WOHM...

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 16/05/2013 11:53

Word it isn't a female issue it's a parents issue and parents want to do the best for their children.

I think the impact of childcare is an important issue too.......

FasterStronger · 16/05/2013 11:55

do you have reference for the impact of childcare? Proper research not just someone peddling a book...

wordfactory · 16/05/2013 11:56

blueskies lots of people posted how they were SAHMs but it didn't suit them.

Op was looking for opinions, she said.

I don't think she was aksing for raft of posters all saying 'I'm a SAHM and adore it.'

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 16/05/2013 11:57

Not every parent is happy to hand their children over,not all children thrive as babies one amongst many away from home ad parents,not all parents think that earning money is more important than happiness ie many are happy to live on limited budgets......

wordfactory · 16/05/2013 11:58

blueskies the impact of having DC and giving up work is of course a woman's issue. Don't be absurd!

That's like saying sexual harrassment is not a woman's issue because it happens to a few men!!!

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 16/05/2013 11:58

I've worked in childcare and there are studies raising concerns re nurseries in particular. I know my own children too.

janey68 · 16/05/2013 11:59

We're not pushing the WOHP option though- Each to their own!

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 16/05/2013 12:00

Word not round where I live.Several sahds.

Many mothers want to stay at home more,they have a right to make a choice.

wordfactory · 16/05/2013 12:00

blueskies the op is about school aged DC so nurseries are not an issue. But nice try.

Many many people do not place DC in nursery whether they work or not. But nice try.

Many many people who do have DC in nursery know their own DC too, and are certain they're happy. But nice try.

JenaiMorris · 16/05/2013 12:01

morethan do you honestly believe that people who work outside the home are bitter, unimaginative drones?

Really? What about the partners of SAHPs? Are they unimaginative, bitter drones?

If it is true that WOHPs are indeed bitter, unimaginative, drones it would seem fairer to redistribute the paid work a little more fairly between couples. Otherwise being a SAHP living off another's wage would be ridiculously selfish.

Thing is, it's not true. Anyone finding themselves in that situation should try to change it.

FasterStronger · 16/05/2013 12:01

not all parents think that earning money is more important than happiness

this just might explain why some WOHM have a dig at SAHM.

wordfactory · 16/05/2013 12:02

Well blueskies I'm all for choice!!!

But the reality si that most women do not have one. And in the next generation even fewer will have a choice.

So think very long and hard while you're peddling you're 'children are damaged by working mothers' stuff, because you might end up making your daughter or daughter in law very very unhappy for a very very long time"!

AlvinHallsGroupie · 16/05/2013 12:04

Blue "pushing their ideal "

Maybe thats the crux of it - why would anyone need to push their "ideal"
We are all different !

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 16/05/2013 12:05

Not all children thrive in having a 10 hour day.

Many kids simply want their own home,to relax,play out with friends,goto clubs,enjoy a relaxed home life,longer to do homework etc.

There are oodles of benefits to being a sahm,there are benefits to working too however the benefits of working don't match the benefits of being a sahp for my children.

JenaiMorris · 16/05/2013 12:07

How many children of working parents have a 10 hour day?

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 16/05/2013 12:07

Word you're damn right the next generation will have less choice.

Sahp need to stand up and fight for the choice because this gov is determined to take it off them.

FasterStronger · 16/05/2013 12:08

this gov is determined to take it off them in what way?

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 16/05/2013 12:09

8-6 is the day my dc would have to do.

Going by the popularity of after school/ breakfast clubs they're not alone.

I don't want my dc on a school campus for that long.