Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

These threads always go around in circles.
Look, everyone does what is right for them and their own family. Work if you want to and enjoy it, work if you HAVE to and make the most of it. Stay at home and remember how lucky you are to do this.

And now for the controversial part....

If you can afford to be a SAHP in the UK today and not go without, and still go on holidays etc. You are wealthy. Which means it annoys people. Not that they'd ever admit it.

What is it with the assumption that women who work are envious of those who don't?

Do folk really believe that?

Do they think all working men are jealous too?

Lord, it reminds of that revolting woman on the telly who is conviced other women don't like because she is just so beautiful!!!!

f you can afford to be a SAHP in the UK today and not go without, and still go on holidays etc. You are wealthy. Which means it annoys people. Not that they'd ever admit it.

well I stayed at home and went without

If you can afford to be a SAHP in the UK today and not go without, and still go on holidays etc. You are wealthy. Which means it annoys people. Not that they'd ever admit it.

Yes, I agree with you. There are also plenty of WOHPs who are wealthy but choose to continue their career. That's what choice is about - I have absolutely no problem with that.

There are also plenty of SAHPs who have no choice.

It's only those of us who are SAHPs and have the bloody nerve to be happy about it who are attacked and insulted.

I do have a problem with being perceived as "lazy" because I have chosen to be (mainly) a SAHP - especially as I only had the choice because I worked like stink for 24 years solid. I wasn't quite financially independent when I met my DH, but I was by the time I married and had DD.

I also have a problem with this "poor men" POV - it assumes that none of them have had any say in the matter which just utterly absurd. However, it gave DH a good laugh this morning when I told him how sorry for him people were for him, having to go out and earn perfectly good money. His response was "Well I'd be doing this whether or not I had a family".

I don't mind being considered "wealthy", although I would say solvent and comfortable, not wealthy. I certainly didn't start my working life at 16 that way, nor did my DH.

We are all shaped by our own childhoods, and in my case I was determined to give motherhood a miss if it meant subjecting a child to the kind of financial and emotional hardship I experienced.

Look, everyone does what is right for them and their own family. Work if you want to and enjoy it, work if you HAVE to and make the most of it. Stay at home and remember how lucky you are to do this.

I agree with this. However, while I know I am extremely lucky that it worked out for me as I didn't start ttc until I was 37, my circumstances aren't all down to "luck".

There are also plenty of WOHPs who are wealthy but choose to continue their career.

but most men don't 'choose to continue their career' - it is the default position - the societal expectation.

women make a 'choice'.

Begoniabampot why is that you say you would get no support with housework, childcare etc if you were working, from your dh?

Do you know I have read this thread and I have realised that i actually don't care what other people think about me not working anymore. It has only taken 6 months

but most men don't 'choose to continue their career' - it is the default position

Where do you get this idea from?

In fact, a YouGov survey in June 2012 shows that in response to the statement A father's main role should be to provide for the family by working and earning :

56% of men AGREED
49% of women AGREED

The decision to work or stay at home for either parent is usually a joint decision, based on consideration of each family's circumstances. There's nothing "default" about it in my experience, it's more about necessity. The reality is that men still tend to earn more than women - Liz Truss recently stated during the announcement of the childcare proposals that only 8% of all women workers earn over £40,000pa.

I know perfectly well there are men who resent their wives - I have a friend who was married to one of them. Even though she worked as a childminder while raising three children he still resented her "easy" life.

I think men like that deserve scorn, not pity.

I think those venomous about SAHM must be jealous deep down or why would they be so bitter? Happy WOHM don't care either way..

Besides nobody has answered my question which is telling. For those who slate SAHM (and there are several on this thread posting many times) at what point is the SAHM a failure/scrounge etc. What if they work an hour a week for example?Is there a sliding scale of bad role modelling? Are part time WOHM also providing a sexist role model, after all why should it be the woman who does less hours while the man slaves away providing her with more leisure time? Are those who retire early a let down? What if they retire after 25 years work? Many SAHM have worked 25 years before they SAH. What about women in other cultures who do the child rearing? Are they sexist also and setting bad examples?

I don't feel that there is anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work at all. It's your life and your lifestyle choice. As long as I am not expected to contribute to your maintenance (in terms of benefits etc) when you are well able to work for yourself, who am I to comment?

If your question is would I personally make your choice, then my answer is no, emphatically not, for a lot of different reasons. I have a good job, one that is interesting and fulfilling and well-paid. Few people would willingly give that sort of job up - it's impossible to get back on track once you give up. So it is not as though it was a dull job that is easy to give up. Also I believe that I as a person should not be beholden to anyone else, that I should be financially independent and make a financial contribution to the household. I believe that women working is a good example for my children who both now expect women to work and men to contribute equally in the home. Equality in practice as well as in theory.

jellybeans "I think those venomous about SAHM must be jealous deep down or why would they be so bitter? Happy WOHM don't care either way.."

I don't know if I've been 'venomous' but I can assure you I'm not jealous. I'm a freelancer so my work load varies, it can go up to 80 hours a week and at other times it can be only about 10 hours a week. I know which one I prefer.

Long hours and too much to do is stressful - although to be honest the only thing I find really stressful is days like today when I've got sole charge of my daughter and a lot of pressing phone calls etc. It's very hard to try to sound professional on the phone when you have a 2 year old shouting at you!

But weeks when there's not enough to do are the worst. My daughter doesn't need me hovering around her every second of the day; of course I can make housework, meeting friends etc. fill up the time available but it's exactly that - filling time. I know it wouldn't matter if the bathroom floor didn't get swept today or if the kitchen cupboards weren't organised. Meeting up with friends who are SAHM can frankly get a bit boring, if there's nothing external to talk about.

I feel panicky with no real tasks on my list, the day is far too long, but more positively I get a sense of fulfilment from completing a work project which nothing domestic can match.

So no, I don't care what anyone else does, but I think that to say "you must be jealous" when anyone criticises anything is a lazy and usually wrong assumption. I would feel very jealous of my partner if he was working and I wasn't - if his intelligence and talents were being exercised and mine were mouldering away.

I have realised that i actually don't care what other people think about me not working anymore

Yes - it didn't take me long either! It's no-one else's business.

OP, hope you're still reading and take note. Yes you'll get some from WOHMs but you'll also get to meet other SAHMs and laugh about it.

whatever you do, don't read this article from today's Daily Fail. She is pretty scathing about women who arn't high achievers, in the top 15%.
I wonder if she's paused to consider who'd nurse our sick, clean our town centres, mot our cars, serve our lunch, cut our hair etc. if everyone was a high achieving, highly paid professional, working in a senior position.
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2325114/CAROL-SARLER-Alison-Wolfs-new-book-The-XX-Factor-claims-Alpha-Women-leaving-rest-behind.html

and this kid of piece,whilst it's a deliberately inflammatory article designed to piss people off, is an example of the attitude shared by some wohm's.
I've worked with women who are openly scathing about 'boring, lazy, uneducated housewives' ... (nevermind that many of of have degrees; apparently a degree is only valid if being used to procure a paid job. Education is for this and this alone. Yeah, right.)

Oh I don't need to read that - here on MN we have our very own XX Woman - Xenia

One thing I've noticed on here is that, when the conversation got round to SAHDs a few people pointed out that most dads who stayed at home went back to work or did freelance work from home part time. Now there are also women on here who said they are SAHMs who do voluntary work or have/are setting up businesses. Maybe the fault lies with us SAHM after all. Instead of saying 'I'm a volunteer at my kids school, local hospice shop or I'm a trustee of xyz charity or I'm owner of a new start up business' we say I'm a SAHP. Dads say 'I'm a freelance xyz or I volunteer at my kids school and I work from home'...They may only get paid a tenner a week in their freelance job but they think of the job not the SAHD bit.

My DH works from home and earlier this week took the morning out to have coffee with his mate who was in town and he watches day time TV in his lunch hour (yep, he takes a full hour - no one on his back to get something done. The joys of home working - he's taking DS swimming after school) Now, is he lazy? Nope, because he was up at 5am working so he could organise his day to spend some time with DS.

But the women who volunteer (who help put charity money where is belongs rather than in the pocket of a paid worker) or who are running a small business tell people they are a SAHM who does voluntary work and that they are meeting a friend for a coffee and people get sniffy. So tell people you do voluntary work or are setting up a business and leave it at that.

BTW LaGuardia I was interested to see that your ex-SAHMs thought people would be interested in what people do in their work. I seriously do not know what the majority of my friends do for a living (and I mean those friends I made whilst I was at work) I have asked in the past but they usually mumble 'oh I'm a nurse - hard work for crap wages, fancy another glass of wine?'. Which is great cos I can't think of anything worse than hearing about someone's job. Just like I can't think of anything worse than hearing about other people's kids. I used to hate it when people asked me about my work. I did 10 hour days, why the hell would I want to spend a other minute talking about it in my leisure time. So I'd mumble that I was manager of a training team and leave it at that. I found my work interesting, though by the end I'd had enough of all the polical crap but I'd have to spend my time explaining all the technical stuff for anyone who seriously eanted to talk about my work. Only another trainer would have understood so what's the point? I'm no different a person now to when I worked - which is shown by the fact that half the people I worked with don't realise I'm still a SAHM cos I talk about everything but their work and my home life when we're out and about. And I'm not alone. I don't know what my friends do because they don't talk about work and if I have brought up the subject 'had a good day' they say 'yes or bit shitty but let's out that aside, have you seen xyz lately' or whatever - they are a lot bigger than the job they do. DH just tells people the sector he works in, not the job, because most people go 'oh' blank looks and change the subject as his work is pretty technical and most people can't be arsed to ask what it actually entails. Most of us think people would be interested in our work - most of their audience actually isn't. Or maybe it's just the mates I've got.

london I think you might have somehting there.

I don't know any/many men who describe themselves as SAHDs. Usually they are writers/editors/illustrators/freelancers of some description...who kinda work around the kids.

It's not so all or nothing as some SAHMs woul dhave you believe is necessary.

For myself, I never call myself a SAHM, even though I work from home and fit it around my DC. No child care. I do all drop offs and pick ups. Attend all school stuff. Around throughout the school hols.

I would say I am a working mother, albeit I work from home.

why wouldn't you say ' I am a sahm?'
Where on earth is the shame in saying that?
Is it really taboo for a woman to say that?
What a damn shame.

do you know what, I am shocked that someone who spends a few hours working and the vast bulk of their week being a sahp, ought to describe themselves as a 'working parent' not a 'sahp' in order to be socially acceptable and justify their existence.

I don't do it to be socially acceptable . If you knew me, you'd know that's not my bag at all!!!

But my work is highly important to me. It is a huge part of who I am. It also earns me a tidy sum ...it is absolutley not some little side issue, or a hobby.

To say my main role/experience in life is staying at home and rasing my family would be utterly disingenuous!

Most of us think people would be interested in our work - most of their audience actually isn't.

That is so true, especially if it's a jobs which is actually not remotely interesting at all and they just want to have a moan about how awful their job/life is.

I used to obfuscate about my job because when people knew what I did I'd immediate get "Oh you might be able to help my husband/wife/sister/friend" and then I'd get the long story and be expected to advise.

And who says the bulk of my time is spent looking after my DC.

They're at school all day!!!!

I actually love hearing about people's work. Fascinating. But then I love hearing about the minutae of people's lives. One of the great things aboput MN, no?

Once again its a SAHM witch hunt! How boring and predictable!
Bitterness is not a nice quality

I think you must mean acqaintances London surely with friends you know each other well enough to have moved past the" what do you do?"introductions phase?