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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay at Home mums

999 replies

marilynmonroe · 13/05/2013 21:01

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
rainbowslollipops · 15/05/2013 22:00

I had cottage pie for dinner. It was bloody awful Sad.

Sorry its getting heated so thought I'd settle it a little.

BegoniaBampot · 15/05/2013 22:05

Just curious, if you all won millions on the lotter tomorrow, wonder how many would stay in their jobs working the same hours.

I've admitted my life is fairly stress free and easy compared to my working friends, I really take my hat off to them and try to help them out where I can in regard to helping with their kids. but why does life have to be hard and full on and stressful if you have a choice and it doesn't have to be. Do you get extra points for making life harder than it has to be? Some women have amazing well paid and interesting careers but I'd say the majority of working mums probably don't.

Permanentlyexhausted · 15/05/2013 22:05

I can report that 100% of the children in my household absolutely love going to after school club and holiday club. They adore being able to go there and play on the Xbox. Much better than coming home and playing on the Xbox in our house, mostly because we don't have an Xbox. We also don't have a swimming pool. Or a bouncy castle or a badminton court.

scottishmummy · 15/05/2013 22:08

if I won gazillions on lottery,I'd still work

olgaga · 15/05/2013 22:11

Mumsy I wasn't one of those people who said I had a "boring" job. It was very interesting, demanding and satisfying work. So is my current work, both in and out of the home.

My husband finds his job - which is broadly similar to the job I used to do - interesting, demanding and satisfying. It is also well paid.

Neither of us would swap.

As for increasing numbers of SAHDs:

...with one in seven fathers (14%) now the main childcare provider, according to research from Aviva. Close to half of stay-at-home-dads (43%) told Aviva they felt "lucky" to have the opportunity to spend more time with their kids, but 46% of families said their decision allowed the main earner to keep working.

So it turns out that a lot of dads stay at home for the same reason a lot of mums do - because their partner is the main earner.

I think all parents do a valuable job. But that's because I think what you do as a parent is just as important as what you earn.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 22:11

Scottish.

On the whole I am interested in what people think not what they do. It is the way people ask others to justify that is pointless.
You know my stance on this, I believe each to their own and what suits your family best.

scottishmummy · 15/05/2013 22:18

look,you're as interested in stating your pov as rest of us are
clearly you are interested,as you've posted and disclosed repeatedly
you've discussed your real life choices as example to validate your pov.and asked others about their real life

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 15/05/2013 22:22

I'd work. I'm lucky , I enjoy my job and am a better wife and parent when I spend my days doing something stimulating and that I'm passionate about. I have had shit jobs and been a SAHM I know what works for me and mine . Horses for courses.

AlvinHallsGroupie · 15/05/2013 22:27

Begonia
My life isnt hard and full on and stressful at all.
I think most adults are perfectly capable of working out a good work/life balance.
My life was pretty full on when Dc were little but thats having active little children rather than whether I had a job.
WOH life might be full on ,hard,stressful for some but for others it is enjoyable/refreshing to have the change/contrast between that and being a SAHP.I think the level of spousal support you have is vital as well
If a WOHM enjoys her job its because she enjoys her job -we dont all enjoy the same things ya know ?
Also it might be hard but the WOHP just might not have a choice .

AlvinHallsGroupie · 15/05/2013 22:29

The thought of winning the Lottery scares me so I dont do it Grin

BegoniaBampot · 15/05/2013 22:43

Me to Alvin. I'M happy with what we have!

scottishmummy · 15/05/2013 22:52

aye,I'm happy but a few mill on lottery.hell I'd no knock that back

nightowlmostly · 15/05/2013 22:55

Springdiva thanks but I don't think my attitude needs looking at! I mentioned sahps "faffing around" because to me, what people have said they fill their time with counts as just that. Gym, coffee, 'projects', walking etc.

Obviously there are things that sahps do that need doing, such as school pickups, housework and so on, but the stuff that gets done to fill the rest if the day is faff IMHO.

BegoniaBampot · 15/05/2013 23:01

What's wrong with faffing around doing things you enjoy. Do you faff around in your free time doing things you enjoy?

nightowlmostly · 15/05/2013 23:09

Of course, the only point I was making is that why should women feel its ok for them to expect their husbands to work long hours so they can fill their free time with whatever they fancy? Seems a tad unfair.

olgaga · 15/05/2013 23:16

Yeah right - and there are plenty of people who "faff around" to fill their working days too. I've had my fair share of them to deal with as a manager... Grin

If SAHMs want to "faff around" in their own time, so what? I can't understand why anyone would find that remarkable.

olgaga · 15/05/2013 23:22

Well I don't "expect" my husband to work long hours so that I can "faff around". He works long hours in a senior position because he enjoys it, he's worked hard for 37 years to get to this point - and he earns good money for it.

I've just asked him if he'd like to go part-time and "faff around" while I go out to work full time.

He looked a bit Hmm and asked me if I fancy a whisky Grin

BegoniaBampot · 15/05/2013 23:34

These women do fun stuff through the day, they often also do the housework, shopping, kid related stuff, gardening etc so that overall the husband can concentrated on work and enjoy their down time and time with the family.

working mums here have said they have a balance of both partners working and sharing the house stuff and childcare. I don't have that. If I was working I would still have all the house stuff, kid stuff, shopping etc on top of working. My husband gets to faff about plenty often during the day and in the evenings as well. I think he enjoys being able to work without the extra stress of house and kids. Also means we get to do stuff together through the day when he is free, so we faff about together. Means we can take holidays when we want rather than having to take my working hours into consideration. We have also had several big moves in recent years when the kids were young and he wants to possibly move again, so I've often been the trailing spouse helping to establish new lives for us while he could concentrate on his career.

all I mean that everyone's dynamics are different. What works for one set up won't work the same for another. Don't think I have been sneery at all to working mums, wish could be said the same to SAHMs.

Faxthatpam · 16/05/2013 00:03

La Guardia "Lazy, fat and boring" ??? Confused. How properly rude, really no need.

olgaga · 16/05/2013 00:16

Fax when I read that I thought well, to be fair, LaGuardia did say she'd only had a year at home - if I'd only had that I would never have realised what I was missing.

What's clear is there's a lot of self-justification and reinforcement going on.

And as for all the bleating about these poor men who are "expected" to go out to work to support their families, I can't help but wonder at the projection.

Anyway - it looks like it's just us SAHM's left at this time of night, "faffing around".

FasterStronger · 16/05/2013 07:29

all the bleating about these poor men who are "expected" to go out to work to support their families, I can't help but wonder at the projection.

you are overcomplicating this. DP and i both have high incomes. but neither of us would like to be the sole earner as it makes your household finances less robust.

your are confusing psychobabble with simple economics.

janey68 · 16/05/2013 07:43

Why is it projection to point out that being sole earner is a huge pressure? Hmm
I have no axe to grind - I enjoy my work life (and my home life too) and would not choose to be a full time SAHM. I don't think I'd hate it at all- I'm sure I'd be reasonably contented, but overall I prefer the balance of us both working. If one parent is at home, particularly as the children get older, they are inevitably going to carry most of the domestic burden and personally we prefer to both have more equal shares of work and home, we're equally capable and qualified to do both so it makes sense to us. But I totally appreciate that some couples like to each take a different role and That's fine.

I think there's a lot of over complicating on here- all that talk about whether children can/ can't go to out of school activities, and the 'evils' of school provided care Lol, tbh all those posts tell us is that for that individual poster, the options local and available to them aren't good. That really is all it says. You can't extrapolate from that, anything about life for the rest of us.

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/05/2013 07:46

One of the reasons I chose to return to work after DS was because
I dont want him to grow up believing that because he is male he has to work all hours so that his wide doesnt have to simply because of his sex. He knows both partners can work and raise a family together. It is very selfish to put all the financial and working responibility onto one person because the other fancies opting out, different tu supporting a partner who is ill and cannot work.

As for the comments re SAHMs doing all the jobs so that the husband can simply relax when outside work i nearly spilt my coffee! MN is full of posts saying SAHMs provide childcare and house stuff should be split equally.

It does seem a waste of education, especially those that took student loans to go to uni and will never repay their debt, to just simply not work. Teachers fill children with the idea they can do anything regardless of their sex.

Highlander · 16/05/2013 07:46

If you're an SAHM, ensure you're saving. A LOT.

You don't know when your partner might be made redundant, or even die. If you don't have enough put away to live on for a couple of years, or to fill the mortgage shortfall if you have to go back to work ....... Then really, you do need to be working.

Do you have enough put away for University fees?

Boomba · 16/05/2013 08:06

I'm just thinking about the same sex partnerships I know. In non of them does one parent stay at home whilst the other works full time.