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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay at Home mums

999 replies

marilynmonroe · 13/05/2013 21:01

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Boomba · 15/05/2013 20:31

That wouldnt be an option for most people, based on cost and desire, rather than being a WOHM

AlvinHallsGroupie · 15/05/2013 20:36

I cant work out whether LaGuardia is being sarcastic or not Confused
Shock

stepawayfromthescreen · 15/05/2013 20:39

Kitchen, since you quoted me, I'll reluctantly rise to the bait.
After school clubs, the ones set up as daycare, and not hobby based activities such as ballet/karate/swimming, often involve a couple of rooms where the kids get to go and hang out for a couple of hours till I get home from work and go collect them. There are books, a telly and and an Xbox, they get a snack and a drink. But to them, it feels like an extension of school. At 3.30 they want to come straight home.
I sympathise. When I was school age, I'd have absolutely resented sticking around at school for another 2 hours.
Hobby based activities the kids request are totally incomparable to wraparound care or holiday care, which is really just an extension of school, whichever way you dress it.
And yes, I stand by my assertion that the vast majority of kids would rather not be in wraparound care/holiday care. They are far more reluctant to be left in daycare than toddlers!!

rainbowslollipops · 15/05/2013 20:40

I couldn't be a SAHM. I'm too outgoing. We have 1 toddler group that's aged 1-2.5. After that.....then what? When child is at school, then what would I do? All my friends and family work so I can't visit them. I could go online shopping or take myself out for a coffee but that's spending money. I could walk the dog. Do the washing but there won't be a long list of things to do each day. My problem is I love to learn. I love to be doing something and making a career for myself that I love. Yes I'm still young but why not learn new things and get a career?

OrWellyAnn · 15/05/2013 20:50

My youngest goes to school this year too and I now I'll have NO problem filling my time. Housework, chores, looking after the menagerie, running a (admittedly not very busy at times, I'm very lucky in that I can decide if I want a client or not when they come up) business, cooking, paperwork, DIY, car maintenance, and the kids school runs and clubs.
It took me a few years, but now I LOVE being a sahm and although I would go back to FTW if DH wanted me to or we needed me to, I'm happy with things just as they are for now!

KitchenandJumble · 15/05/2013 20:50

I'm surprised that you feel you can speak for "the vast majority of kids," stepaway. How many have you interviewed personally?

None of the school-age children I know want to be home with their mothers all day. Perhaps our experiences are different, but I have never seen an after-school club such as you describe. I don't live in the UK anymore, so that may explain it (though I never encountered such a club when I was in the UK either). Where I live, the after-school options are quite impressive. Many children, including those with SAHMs, take advantage of these options.

Almostfifty · 15/05/2013 20:51

I am still learning, and I've been a SAHM for over twenty years.

I don't want a career.

If you are volunteering then why not just get a paid part time job with a charity?*

Because we don't need the money. I'd rather it went to the charity.

amazingmumof6 · 15/05/2013 21:03

scottish - are you really unable to see the difference between asking for an opinion or making a decision?

you are being difficult on purpose I think.

I don't mind hearing what my children think, but that doesn't mean they can choose what they want or they will make decisions instead of us.
sometimes we take their ideas on board, sometimes we ignore them. but I would find it odd to not even ask what they think - at a level they can understand of course.

and moving houses is not a low level choice - and having a dog would make a huge impact on our lives too, so for us it IS big thing.

well enough of that, back to thread.....sorry OP!

stepawayfromthescreen · 15/05/2013 21:05

well, if you're not in the uk anymore, you can't really comment on wraparound care in the uk, can you?
I haven't interviewed any kids, but from talking to numerous preteen/teens and their parents over several years, I've realised that most older kids think the school day long enough, from 9-3.30. Given the choice, I'm not sure many would go for the option of an after school club until 5.30 to play Xbox, than going home at 3.30 and playing Xbox in their own house.

amazingmumof6 · 15/05/2013 21:08

*or that they will make decisions...oops

scottishmummy · 15/05/2013 21:09

glad you agree with me mumof6.yes I moderate and pitch info at level they understand
and as you say sometimes you ignore too,essentially adults make the big choices
involve,discuss with kids yes.they not get a definitive say though.too young

amazingmumof6 · 15/05/2013 21:13

all right then, I never said they get a definitive say in big decisions - not sure why you thought that was going on! Smile

glad we sorted this Thanks

KitchenandJumble · 15/05/2013 21:14

Yes, I acknowledge that my information about the UK may be out of date. But I do think I can comment on it, given my own experiences and those of friends and relatives. Obviously, my experiences and those of family and friends are necessarily limited, but so are everyone else's.

I find it ludicrous that you feel you can speak for "the overwhelming majority" of children. That would be how many millions exactly?

Boomba · 15/05/2013 21:15

stepaway my 8 yo loves her after school club. She only has to go a couple of times a week. The workers are lovely and so are the other kids. On a number of occassions I have been to luck her up early (straight from school) as a suprise. She insists on still going to club. It likely depends on a child's personality, mine is sociable to the extreme. Maybe I wouldn't feel so comfortable about working if my kids were different

Boomba · 15/05/2013 21:19

I don't think asking for dcs input on a decision, and then consistently ignoring their preferences is a great idea Confused

stepawayfromthescreen · 15/05/2013 21:20

well I find most of these threads and the usual suspects who pour in with the same old shizzle ludicrous, so that makes two of us!

scottishmummy · 15/05/2013 21:27

of course,obvious inference your posts are searing,incisive.unlike schizzle others post
if you can bear do force yourself to continue to read,and post.if its not too schnizzley

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 21:30

Alvin.

That whole ironic thing was confusing well to me anyway Grin. I don't think after school care is necessarily poor quality, although it certainly isn't excellent in our area. I have never used school or providers due more to the stuff I said in post above. I know many who do though who think they are great and i know sometimes after school stuff can be great for dc when parents are working. it just wouldn't be my choice.

stepawayfromthescreen · 15/05/2013 21:35

threads like this are Groundhog Day interweb stylee. Follow the same routine. Same old posters (often)
I occasionally look in on them to see if this one will be any different, but no. Sadly not.

scottishmummy · 15/05/2013 21:38

what's our point?id expect people to consistently express an opinion.thats point
I don't expect people to deviate from opinion they they hold,unlikely someone does
if youre jaded reading the so called same ole same ole thats reflection on you

AlvinHallsGroupie · 15/05/2013 21:42

I am in the UK stepaway
Im shocked that facilities are so poor in your area - How much do they charge ?Shock
My DC always had a parent at home in the holidays but often wanted to go to Holiday club for the day with their friends .
I dont want to out myself but they one holiday did an activity they loved so much that they still talk about it with a big Grin - that was 10 years ago .

stepawayfromthescreen · 15/05/2013 21:42

just curious Scottish, but why do you keep returning to this sort of debate time and time again? You know what you do and why, so why the need to come back and justify yourself over and over?

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 21:43

Stepaway.

Love your activity Thanks So glad somebody got it in the end. I usually look in on these threads and get drawn in. I wouldn't mind but I'm not the least bit interested in what people do in rl.

scottishmummy · 15/05/2013 21:44

like you I've got a point to make.
like you I've made repeat posts
unlike you I'm not bumping gums wondering why folk post

scottishmummy · 15/05/2013 21:48

lol,potato if its so tiresome and of no interest why are you posting
why you slugging it out?
if you have no interest in this why do you disclose your stuff and question others?