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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stay at Home mums

999 replies

marilynmonroe · 13/05/2013 21:01

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 18:52

Alvin.

Yes, I can see what you are saying however, many dc can not access these things at school at all and certainly not at the level my dc were at. Some did and still do require quite a lot of travel, we do not have a child minder nor gps to take dd to her activities so it is down to dh and myself. I can always take her as I don't work, but dh can only do it sometimes.
The people who were talking about school run activities or after school clubs were saying they didn't want their dc to attend because they wanted them at home. I would want my dd at home rather than school or an after school club.

KitchenandJumble · 15/05/2013 18:53

Alvin, thank you. That was exactly my point. Am I Winter?

morethan, I don't think it matters whether the activities take place at school or elsewhere. Some schools have better options than others. Some activities can't take place at school. If a child is involved in an activity that happens off school grounds and the parents WOH, then the parents can arrange alternative transportation. The only difference between the SAHP and WOHP in this case is who does the driving.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 15/05/2013 19:00

amazing

Sometimes you have to factor something else in, though - do you want a happier, relaxed mum or not? What makes someone feel happier and more relaxed will depend on the individual.

I agree with MumsyBlouse, as well.

AlvinHallsGroupie · 15/05/2013 19:01

OOOPs Kitchen where didWinter come from???? Sorry !!

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 19:02

Kitchen.

Sorry, I have to disagree there, but hey ho. Our experiences of after school clubs/school activities and privately sought very expensive sports and music clubs and activities, places gained on merit must be different.
I too wouldn't allow my dc to attend any after school provision from school or childcare provider.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 19:05

Kitchen.

I do agree about the driving and it not being sahm v wohm as stated up thread.

wordfactory · 15/05/2013 19:05

But morethan surely you can see the delicious irony in people saying they wouldn't work because they didn't want their dc to have to do activities and others saying they wouldn't work because their DC had to be taken to activities ...

wordfactory · 15/05/2013 19:08

And I can assure you that some schools offer after school activities that are much better quality than those one would be able to source elsehwere.

DD attends an after school club most nights. As do virtually all her friends. It matters not a jot to DD that I'm perfectly able and willing to collect her.

KitchenandJumble · 15/05/2013 19:09

Hey ho indeed, morethan.

Alvin, no worries! Thank you for your support in helping to explain my point.

rainbowslollipops · 15/05/2013 19:15

I like to work. Dd likes going to after school clubs, going on days out with CM and her godmother. I've paid off bills quicker, re done my kitchen and brought dd new school shoes and uniform with my wages. Suits dd and I fine. But that's just us.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 19:18

Word

No I don't see the irony because in this instance the comparison isn't like for like.
If anyone cares to visit the point in the thread where this was said it is quite understandable that there is a difference between childcare/school activities and provision offered in the much wider community consisting of professional specialised qualified instructors, coaches and teachers. .

amazingmumof6 · 15/05/2013 19:19

alvin - no worries, no offence taken!

janey68 · 15/05/2013 19:19

I enjoy working too, and I like the balance which comes from DH and me both being able to have fulfilling work lives without it dominating our existence and being a pressure (which would be the case if either of us were sole earner). It also fell really naturally to us to be pretty much equal in terms of domestic things.
Our children have also thrived at nursery, and now childminder / clubs. I'm sure they would have thrived equally if I'd been a SAHM or DH a SAHD too!
Each to their own, hey?

amazingmumof6 · 15/05/2013 19:21

jamie not sure what your point is, sorry

chandellina · 15/05/2013 19:25

Each to their own but as far as I can tell the decision around who steps back or gives up work is dictated mainly by finances, and it's usually the woman earning less. That inherently makes it a skewed "choice."

amazingmumof6 · 15/05/2013 19:34

as I said before when all our kids at school full time, I'll see if I can get a PT job during school hours or get my business going - I'm years away from that decision.

FT work would never worth it for me/us financially - as my degrees are worthless in this country my earnings would be minimum wage or just above, so it would be a case of earning a little extra but giving up time spent with my children and paying for childcare.

if I could have a job with a reasonable salary I'd weigh up pros and cons as most people do and would then make a decision - but that's never going to happen, but I'm not sad about that!

being a SHAM suits me and works well for us - I moved to this country to marry my husband so we made this decision together and are happy with it!

scottishmummy · 15/05/2013 19:35

I don't plan to ask my dc about me working. as they are weans and I'm adult
I'll ask what DVD shall we watch.i won't ask big significant adult choices of children
they have capacity and understanding appropriate to their age.theyre children.im the adult

AlvinHallsGroupie · 15/05/2013 19:36

morethan the provision in our school was professional qualified teachers/coaches and I dont think this is at all unusual.
The after school club DC could do swimming,dance,music,sports to a very high standard.
The sign up day was legendary with Parents racing to the school office with cheque books in hand ! I could tell you about the bunfight that broke out when some PTA mums tried to get the Head to say they had first dibs but that would out me

amazingmumof6 · 15/05/2013 19:38

hello scottishmummy - you realize that I was asking their opinion, not letting them make a decision!

allright then, as you were

amazingmumof6 · 15/05/2013 20:03

and we ask our kids about a lot of things, they are children, not morons.

We asked what they wanted to name DD (no, we didn't name her Yoda!), what they think about moving or getting a dog, or where we should go on holiday - anything really, because it's fun and a great way to get to know them, their thoughts, their tastes and their wishes.

I recommend you should try it, you might enjoy the conversation!

LaGuardia · 15/05/2013 20:16

I have just begun retraining after a year at home, and there are other former sahms on the course. We all agree that being at home makes you lazy, fat and boring. No-one wants to hear about the window cleaner or the fact you had to collect a parcel from the post office. They want to hear that you saved someone's life, won a million pound contract or arrested an escaped convict. Go on. Make your children proud. Go out to work.

scottishmummy · 15/05/2013 20:17

mumof6 you've cited some asinine choices eg holiday,dog name.low level choice not biggies
yes we discuss holiday,what for tea.but the really big adult choices,remain adult choices
as an adult with full capacity I recognise age limitation dc have,and therefore ask appropriate choice

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 20:22

Alvin.

I'm sure it was brilliant and sounds far better than our schools and childcare providers. We have a purpose built centre for music and it serves the whole county, dd attends some of the orchestras, bands and ensembles through the week after school. She also attends a private dance school 3/4 times a week and has taken quite a few exams now.
Her music lessons we take her to are conservatoire teachers at leading schools, she plays 4 instruments and one travels from Germany to teach her. Our ds's are now part of the England team in their chosen sport. It isn't a common sport and will out myself if I say. Of course they travel themselves now as they are grown men 18 and 21 It cost us hundreds if not thousands for them to become members of their club. At the risk of being argumentative I don't know a childcare provider, state or private school that could provide this level of tuition.
I know we are extreme but obviously as you can see they weren't just after school activities to my dc. It was their choice and it works for us.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 20:30

LaGuardia

My dc are proud, or so they say I have been a sahm for over 20 years now and would find talking about a window cleaner, parcels and other mundane stuff boring.
If I sat around all day I daresay i'd be fat. However, I have seen some fat professionals out there, who probably comfort eat when they get home.

AlvinHallsGroupie · 15/05/2013 20:31

morethan I was just pointing out that afterschool care isnt all poor quality.
A moot point because my DC dont play sports /dance or play any instruments at all due to minor disability. They are very academic though

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