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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stay at Home mums

999 replies

marilynmonroe · 13/05/2013 21:01

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 16:53

Kitchenandjumble

yes activities are only usually any good if somebody can get them there. Do you propose you let a young child take themself, or is it a problem with a parent taking them?

Also, I still don't see how a sahm who takes a lunch break out with friends can be deemed lazy, anymore than a wohm taking lunch. FFs this is unreal.

wordfactory · 15/05/2013 17:01

I know quite a few SAHDs but very very few do no work at all. Mostly they freelance in the creative industries.

They always seem quite relaxed about the whole parenting/child rearing/house running thang .

wordfactory · 15/05/2013 17:03

morethan lots of DC do extra curricular activities at school. No one needs to take them.

KitchenandJumble · 15/05/2013 17:03

No, I was pointing out the irony on this thread. One person says that "the overwhelming majority of children" would prefer to be at home after school, not at activities. And yet others have said that being a SAHM allows them the freedom to take their children to after-school activities, which they obviously see as something positive for the children.

I don't think it matters who does the actual transportation. It could be a parent, a grandparent, a neighbour, or someone in a paid position.

eccentrica · 15/05/2013 17:03

^AmberSocks

i disagree i think kids do think that about sahm because they are physically there with them,they cant see what your doing all day at work do they?^

I didn't see what my mum was doing all day at work but she talked to me about it! I was always incredibly proud to have a mum who did something worthwhile - she was a social worker, working with under-18s.

Because she finished work at 3pm she was always there when I got home from school.

She gave up work when I was 16 and I think my younger siblings suffered in a way by having a mum who had nothing else to do but ferry them around and help them live their lives. I think it made me more independent because I knew my mum had a life of her own and that people outside of the family valued her for her intelligence and her capability - as well as for being a fantastic mum and always there for us all.

KitchenandJumble · 15/05/2013 17:04

Previous post was addressed to morethan.

AlvinHallsGroupie · 15/05/2013 17:23

morethan I think you spectacularlymissed the point in what Winter was saying

olgaga · 15/05/2013 17:29

whatsthat Why on earth should it be the husband who does that? Why couldn't the wife go to work all day whilst he plays golf etc?

I didn't say that's what they should do. You didn't read my post properly. As far as I'm concerned people can do exactly what they choose to do.

What I said was I think mostly it's the husbands who expect to go out to work and provide for their families! Why on earth wouldn't they?

Please don't let's get started on all the "Poor men" stuff. My DH loves what he does and wouldn't swap it for what I do in a million years.

As I used to do what he does, I can also say that I wouldn't now swap what I do for what he does in a million years either.

It seems to me that the real problem is that some people posting here have a big axe to grind and just can't accept that other women are genuinely happy with their choice to be a SAHM, and don't feel in the least bit inadequate or "shafted", and neither do their husbands.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 17:37

KitchenandJumble

I see what you mean, I think you have misunderstood. There is no irony at all.
Some posters have said they prefer their dc at home after school rather than attend an after school club.
The activities, clubs and lessons my dd attends and dss before her can't be found at any school or after school club at the level they are/were.
My dd doesn't go to school anyway so some clubs are quite a distance away and we set off at 2pm for a 4pm start. It works for us.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 17:43

Alvin

What point did I miss. I'm trying to find winter post?

KitchenandJumble · 15/05/2013 17:48

No, I haven't misunderstood anything. I see a great deal of irony in some of the posts here. YMMV, of course.

Springdiva · 15/05/2013 17:55

so they can faff around all day?

I think you need to examine your attitude Owl and I don't think the problem about other people's lot.

Springdiva · 15/05/2013 17:55

'is' about other people's lot.

Original poster

marilynmonroe · 15/05/2013 17:57

I don't want this thread to become about whether its best to be a home with your children or work.

I just wanted to say I was getting annoyed with the pressure of feeling I have to justify my staying at home and to say I have a few things in the pipeline.

I also wanted to know how other sahm spent their days and if they got bored.

I've read many positive messages on this thread. It works for us and my dh is bet happy to support us.

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 17:57

How is it ironic that some parents see after school activities as good for their children and others don't? Obviously this has no bearing on whether a person works or not.
I'm sorry to miss your point, I just don't see the point.
The choir dd attends has both working and nonworking parents who transport their dc in a variety of ways, gps, other sahms who collect wohm kids, parents, siblings etc. Other kids don't do activities irrespective of their parents working arrangements.

Iggi101 · 15/05/2013 17:58

Growing up I remember watching the series "Butterflies", with Wendy Craig playing a woman with early 20s sons, no job, a working dh, and a full-time cleaner. Now there was a woman who needed a job, as she was miserable. How can it be anything other than a feminist issue that women with no childcare responsibilities, no interest in cooking etc, and a brain between their ears, do not contribute productively to society? It is not the 1970s, thank god.
There is a lot of talking at cross purposes on this thread as women are not always comparing like with like - those minding children, doing voluntary work, caring for elderly, pta etc are contributing, but if there really is anyone spending all their days engaged in hobbies, lunches and trips to the gym - I don't see that is worthwhile, sorry, and wouldn't want to be married to someone living like that. Fine once you're retired!

Mumsyblouse · 15/05/2013 18:01

Please don't let's get started on all the "Poor men" stuff. My DH loves what he does and wouldn't swap it for what I do in a million years.

I also love my job and wouldn't swap it for a million years, but surely not every single man doing intensive high-paid roles that enables their wives to stay at home loves it? It seems slightly odd that many women characterized their previous jobs as boring/writing reports/no-one would say 'they wish they spent more time at the office on their deathbed' but mysteriously their husband just all adore their jobs and wouldn't dream of giving them up whatsoever and certainly won't have any regrets on their deathbed about their time in the office.

It can't all be down to personal preference, surely? Or are women who would like to SAH just good at matching with men who love their jobs? Or were the ones that women were doing just not very fulfilling? Or- more likely, some men would like to step off the treadmill when their children were little, but can't as that isn't the way our society has structured professional roles- they are all or nothing?

KitchenandJumble · 15/05/2013 18:01

morethan, I thought you saw my point? You said, "I see what you mean."

KitchenandJumble · 15/05/2013 18:12

Mumsyblouse, I agree that there is much more to this issue than individual choice. We are all products of our culture, with its expectations and assumptions, many of which are based on gender roles and stereotypes. The general culture does tend to socialise boys and girls (and men and women) differently, and the working world reflects this fact. It is often assumed that men will be the ones to take the jobs with grueling hours, travel, etc., and there is often little support for them to decrease hours or travel in order to spend more time with their families. Similarly, there are all sorts of cultural messages about how women should organise their working lives. If truly "family friendly" policies at work were the norm rather than the exception, that would be a giant step forward, IMO.

Mumsyblouse · 15/05/2013 18:18

I still think some people would want to stay at home and look after the house/children though, it just wouldn't always be the female (who by this time is usually argued to be the lower earner/easier to stay home). And that would be a genuine choice. At the moment, almost no men make this choice; why not if it is so tempting?

As I said before, I have a good male friend who is just utterly fed up of not seeing his children from Mon am to Fri night through work, and he feels their childhood is slipping through his fingers - he doesn't want not to work, but just not to do the crazy hours that are now demanded as standard (and then require a partner who doesn't do the crazy hours to stand any chance of having a functioning household).

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 18:24

Kitchen

I saw that we were referring to different type of organised activities I think? I presume you mean after school club or school activities. I was referring to clubs lessons and activities in private and LA sectors, not run at a school or after school club. I didn't see your point about the irony I'm afraid.

AlvinHallsGroupie · 15/05/2013 18:26

morethan

Winters point was that SAHM on the thread deridied those who chose to have DC in afterschool clubs/activities and WOH and in the next breath talked about the advantages of being a SAHM ie their children could do lots of after school activities !!
At my DC the afterschool club was fantastic and offered a whole range of activities .The school was the site of the choir,all manner of sports clubs ( some at county level)swimming lessons(own pool)dance etc .Places were like golddust !

Viviennemary · 15/05/2013 18:31

If a husband loves his job then it's fine. But I'd hate to be a husband with all the financial pressure of being totally responsible for the upkeep of the household and no financial support from a partner.

amazingmumof6 · 15/05/2013 18:37

I've just asked my 4 older boys aged 6, 8, 9 and 11 - given the choice would they rather have extra money to spend on things or me being around to take care of them. I did explain to them that I want their opinions, so I need them to be honest and not to worry about my feelings!

they generally agreed they'd prefer me around instead of more money but another person looking after them in the evenings, but my 9 year old said it depends on how much extra money - if the difference is significant he'd rather choose the extra money to spend on football stuff! that made me laugh and I could see his point!
he said it with a sweet smile and looked apologetic thinking he maybe hurting my feelings. then gave me a hug and said actually I'm more important than money. (not convinced! )

so there - does that help OP?

AlvinHallsGroupie · 15/05/2013 18:48

Hehe at the football stuff !amazing

Please dont think im nitpicking at your post in saying this but I dont overindulge my DC just because I WOH. I dont spend money on much stuff .We dont have any ipads etc I prefer to save - hence my username

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