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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay at Home mums

999 replies

marilynmonroe · 13/05/2013 21:01

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 15/05/2013 15:08

Of course I am. I'd love to be able to work 3 days a week! So when he's talking to me about I wished he wouldn't try and justify yourself with bullshit excuses. I'd much rather he just said how fortunate he was to be able to do it.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 15/05/2013 15:09

There's a missing 'it' in there.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 15/05/2013 15:11

And 'himself' rather than 'yourself', doh

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 15:11

Whatsthat

"Most people I'm sure would like to have more time for leisure and their kids".

Yes, I'm sure they would and I sympathise if they feel they can't. However, this does not give those people the right to call somebody who has chosen to be a sahm lazy.

valiumredhead · 15/05/2013 15:13

If he said that what then people would say he was loaded and arrogant - can't win really.

olgaga · 15/05/2013 15:14

On the rare occasion I've ever been asked what I do, I say I have a portfolio of different roles and then immediately ask them what they do.

The last time this happened it went like this:

Her: "Oh I work in a financial advisers".

Me: That's interesting, I was just reading about the change in regulations governing commission for financial advisers. That's going to have a big effect...

Her: "Oh I'm only in the back office..." Grin

hamdangle · 15/05/2013 15:29

I don't want anyone to 'justify' anything (although I've been told on this thread that my DS is only pretending that he didn't mind childcare growing up) but this thread is about what you do when the kids are in school. Posters have said gym/leisure classes/volunteer/meet friends for coffee because 'life's too short' etc and I put that life's too short to sit in Csta or go to the gym and that I find my job very rewarding. I was told that I was 'unimaginative' and now 'it's a good job I work'. I still don't know how people fill their time, especially if they never go back to work.

Maybe it's a good job I work though. I'm on mat leave at the moment and have spent the last hour in bed, having a nap, with DS 1 (16 on study leave) DS2 (6 months) and the cat (3). It was lovely. I'm now off to Costa. DS1 wants a caramel latte.

Springdiva · 15/05/2013 15:30

If you are volunteering then why not just get a paid part time job with a charity?

Hahahahahahah. what planet are you on.

I think insecurity is probably the reason for the undermining comments whether SAH or WOH , the comments fuel defensiveness and insecurity and it goes on...

Very true. I wish people would admit that it is their own issues that make the arguments. If you were relaxed and happy in YOUR choices why would you feel the need to argue or criticise someone else's. You just wouldn't, but guilt and envy might cause you to but we can't admit to that can we?

hamdangle · 15/05/2013 15:30

Olaga. So what if someone works 'in the back office'? Is a job only worth doing if it is prestigious or pays loads?

hamdangle · 15/05/2013 15:31

I said that I know there aren't tons of term time part time jobs, I just don't understand why people don't even think about returning to work or retraining/getting new quals for that matter.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 15/05/2013 15:37

"this does not give those people the right to call somebody who has chosen to be a sahm lazy"

Unless they know that persons circumstances I'd agree. But where you have people who seem to be fine expecting their husbands to go to work and provide for them whilst they potter around and 'do lunch' (which I think is a pretty small minority of SAHMs), lazy does seem an appropriate description.

olgaga · 15/05/2013 15:38

No, but this was a fairly close neighbour whose DD knew my DD and she knew perfectly well I wasn't a f/t WOHM.

Regardless of that, she asked me "So what do you do?". This is a question I have never asked anyone outside a work gathering, or a party where someone is relating a work anecdote.

It was asked in that "So what do you do?" manner.

I don't give a damn what she does with her time, I made no comment about her job. Someone has to work in the back office, I have no problem with that.

She, however, obviously felt put on the spot and a bit embarrassed.

olgaga · 15/05/2013 15:39

whatsthat I think mostly it's the husbands who expect to go out to work and provide for their families! Why on earth wouldn't they? Confused

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 15:41

Hamdangle.

I apologise if I sounded arsy, I certainly didn't mean to come across as such. I said it was a good job you worked, as you clearly stated you didn't know what you would do at home.
I don't have that problem, enjoy being at home so its a good job I don't work Grin
I think the world would be a terrible place if we went back to all mothers feeling they needed to sah because society expected them to.
I am really pleased we have the choice to do as we please.

scottishmummy · 15/05/2013 15:43

both my parents worked.i was proud of them both working,gave me strong work ethos
my kids know i work,they talk about it they understand
they arent neglected by fact im not a housewife.they see female career is achievable with family

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 15/05/2013 15:49

olgaga
Why on earth should it be the husband who does that? Why couldn't the wife go to work all day whilst he plays golf etc?

KitchenandJumble · 15/05/2013 15:51

There are some ridiculous statements on this thread. This one is particularly choice: "given the choice, the overwhelming majority of children would rather be at home, especially when they get to school age and are sent off to afterschool/holiday clubs." That poster can speak for the overwhelming majority of children, can she? Sheer unadulterated nonsense.

And yet others on this thread have said that one thing they like about being a SAHM is being able to take their children to after-school activities. So I guess activities are only good for children if their mothers ferry them to and fro?

My mother was a SAHM. Even now, she waxes lyrical about how she made the right choice to stay home all those years, how wonderful it was for all of us. I just smile and nod. But that is not how I remember it. The life of a SAHM absolutely did not suit her. I remember being a child in that house and I knew how unhappy and unfulfilled she was. She went back to work when I was about 10 or 11, carved out a career for herself and absolutely blossomed. She loved working and I was so proud of her. She has no regrets at all about SAH or working, but I certainly wouldn't have minded if she'd gone back to work years earlier.

Mumsyblouse · 15/05/2013 15:54

Of course you do what makes you happy in life. I'm happier working and am very grateful we live in a society in which women can work although the higher up you go, the less women there are, probably because of the difficulties of juggling work/life and the very heavy demands of some professional jobs that do mean that it is easier to have one person do all of the working out of the home and one running the household (e.g. a 70 hour never see the kids in the week job could be divided into two 35 hours and let everyone have a bit of both). I think this is a shame; there are few women in public life (politics, management of the professions, commerce) and it does seem like we are hitting an invisible glass ceiling in terms of those women who want to keep going into jobs at the top (though not women who like to be married to those who have them, so clearly it is not disdain for that activity in general, just not wanting to do it themselves).

It is not true that in all countries people work ridiculously long hours for their pay- some countries are much better at setting restrictions on hours, for example, for doctors and nurses. I suspect that this may make jobs more attractive as well, whereas a lot of work is simply too demanding for two parents to both engage in without a lot of extra help (e.g. nannies, childcare etc).

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that individually it absolutely makes sense for lots of women (and it is all women, I simply do not know one SAHD of children of school age) to stay at home and not enter/reenter the workplace, but it is also perhaps a product of a very long-hours work obsessed culture, coupled with the school times (in other countries, school buses come round at 8am) which makes it a no-brainer for some (and some people would be very happy to be based at home permanently as a lifestyle choice). Very few men make this choice, which suggests it is socially structured and not all about individual preference or personality type (where are those 'just love pottering about' fathers, they must be out there?).

KitchenandJumble · 15/05/2013 15:58

Good post, Mumsyblouse. I especially like your last paragraph.

AmberSocks · 15/05/2013 16:02

Mumsy there are two full time dads of school age children in my sons class,and a few others in the school,its something that is slowly becoming more common and i think thats a good thing.

valiumredhead · 15/05/2013 16:05

Yeah I know a couple too.

Mumsyblouse · 15/05/2013 16:06

And- this long hours culture affects men as much as women. I know at least one man who would love to step off the treadmill of his extremely intensive job, but it's all 'all or nothing' situation, and his wife is very happy with her part-time role, and in the UK, it is not possible for him to downsize without essentially losing the last 20 years of his career progression. If I could work four days a week, I would, but I can't if I want to maintain my (mostly) very enjoyable career. No-one benefits from being this boxed in, with men expected to work extremely intensively and without seeing their families on a week night (how many posts are there about this on MN?) and some women who would like to work some of the time, but in jobs which are commensurate with their experience/qualifications, not 'part-time' jobs for which they are way overqualified and way under-paid (making it really not that tempting to work).

Mumsyblouse · 15/05/2013 16:13

My husband was a SAHD for three days a week when the children were little (not school age), but I don't know any men who by preference are staying out of the job market when all of their children are at school and have no part-time work/job at all. I'm not saying they don't exist, but they are uncommon. Most SAHD's stay home because their wives earn more/they love staying at home, but all the ones- I know have restarted working once the youngest is at school/or work part-time from home. I bet if you popped over to a male forum and asked 'what should I do with myself as my youngest child has just gone to school' you would not get the reply- why not take up a hobby or do some sports classes to fill your days?!

nightowlmostly · 15/05/2013 16:19

Well said whatsthat, my point exactly! Why is it assumed that men are happy to put all the hours in so their partner can faff around all day? Some might be, sure, but I think men also get shafted by the sexist attitudes that still persist.

If the starting point was that either parent could just as easily be the one to do the pick ups and general home stuff, I think more men would feel able to say that they'd like to. Society's attitude needs to change before this will happen, and it can't come soon enough!

FasterStronger · 15/05/2013 16:42

I think only about 2% of men with young DCs want to work FT.

which shows a major issue when compared with what actually happens