Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

I fought this thread was supposed to be about staying at home once the kids are in school not whether you should stay at home or pay for 'mother substitutes'. Nice!

I still haven't got a clue what mums of school age kids do in the day that would make it worth giving up work though! It's not just me being 'unimaginative' either. I've read most of this thread and still can't see how I'd fill up my time. Most leisure classes are held at night anyway. Even when I'm in work I still cook all meals from scratch and have sewing projects. DH does all other chores bar cooking. I used to have a half day off so went and listened to kids read at local school. I can't imagine filling my whole week up with that. Time to go to the gym is just not time well spent as far as I'm concerned. I would never ever set foot in one even if I had all the time in the world. I never needed to manage DS's homework either because he should be able to do that himself. After school activities are done after work in the evening. If you are volunteering then why not just get a paid part time job with a charity?

I get that people (of either sex) might want to stay at home when kids are young. I also get that they still want to pick up and drop off. I know that there aren't tons of term time part time jobs available for everyone but I don't get why people don't even think about working part time when kids are in school. Especially people who have no intention of ever working again.

My mum went back to work when we were in school. She didn't go back to work because she had to or because she felt she had an important career. She works in admin but she loves it and values how much it has given her independence over the years. She is 64 and will soon reduce her hours to three days but will really miss work when she gives up completely. She is out with 'the girls from work' most weekends and has a better social life than me! DH's mum, on the other hand, gave up work as soon as she got married and never returned despite both children leaving home. She has a very limited social life as friends went back to work and their lives drifted apart. She seems to fill her life with decorating and gardening and is entirely dependent on her husband.

Thought not fought

whatsthat

What mixed messages? Begonia clearly states that her dh does a lot with the children when he is at home. Mine does too. Her dh also works away for weeks at a time, mine works away too.
It isn't too difficult to understand surely.

I'm sorry alvin I didn't mean my comment to be insulting or judgemental to either but what I meant was that one shouldn't vocalise what one thinks of the other as each parent should be comfortable and supported in whatever choice they want to make. I think mothers who do work outside the home are essentially doing two jobs and I am in awe of their capabilities - as I am (hopefully) about to become one of them I am pretty sure that I will struggle with it. But I would not mock or disparage a sahm either - even if they did lounge about and "do lunch" while kids are at school. I suppose I was also trying to make the point that I did not appreciate my good fortune in being at home til it's (almost) gone. I meant the mother-substitute term to be as inflamatory as the boring-staying at home comment. It just isn't kind or supportive to say such words out loud!
Anyway maybe my inability to express myself clearly has more to do with why I have not yet got a job and not the fact that I've been a sahm for so long.

hamdangle
The "mother-substitutes" comment was initially made by dufflefluffle just to be clear- I thought it was a very unpleasant thing to say.

dh does a lot with the children so a man who works long hours and had down time by himself does lots with the children.

why one earth does anyone question a working mother then?

I know I'm very lucky compared to many of my friends, I'm not complaining or saying I have a hard life at all - far from it. But at times I'm on my own with kids for weeks on end and the only me or leisure time I get is when the kids are at school so I do my stuff then as well as the house stuff and shopping etc. that's why I don't understand why folk think it's weird to do that stuff during school time when others get the chance to do it in the evening or weekends and have family nearby to help out. he can spend a lot of time at home between trips though - it's nothing like a 9-5 office based job. I'm also talking about over a ten yr period so things change.

classic xpost there dufflefluffle
Agree with your post.
Good luck with jobhunting.

Yes, my DH spends as much time as he can with DD when he's here and not working.

He does a great job in the garden - with DD - which they both love.

He'll usually go out on his bike with her (if he can persuade her) or just on his own for a spin, and obviously we all go out together too.

I think it's great that we can all spend quality time together at the weekends rather than having to bother with loads of laundry, or vacuuming, changing the beds or doing the weekly shop!

Just because you don't get paid for what you do doesn't mean the work you do has no value.

I think the point is why should I or anyone else be asked to justify what we're doing with our day? Working or SAHP it's no-one elses business! I haven't asked the six dads of kids in DS's year when they do the drop off and pick up every day what they do with their day, just like I haven't got a clue which of the mums or dads work full time or part time or is a SAHP. It's not my business and I don't look up, down or sideways at anyone for what they choose or have to do to give their families the lifestyle that suits them.

If I said I worked as a housekeeper, child minder or nanny, no-one would bat an eye lid. Put SAHM or SAHD in there and some people feel they have a right to comment. They don't! My and DH lifestyle works for us. And yes, the first one up in the morning puts the washing on (and that's usually DH as his work is international so he's often working early and finishing early) and, yes, he does do the hoovering and make the beds. Sometimes. Just like I have a look over his accounts, proof read his work and get his filing up to date, sometimes, whilst he gets on with the work that earns the money. It's called a marriage and working outside, inside or around the home doesn't make a marriage any different. Last night I looked after DS whilst DH went to a footie match. This weekend I have a weekend away with some old school friends so DH is on duty. It'd be exactly the same if I had a job. We don't have to ask each other to help (though we do, because it's polite), nor do we have to justify our roles to each other, because ... we're a family and families help each other. As for what my DS will think about work when he grows up? He knows that, if you want to take time out later in your life to bring up a family, study or just backpack around the world, you have to save, work hard and get yourself organised. Again, just the same lessons we'd be teaching him if I was a working mum.

As for the financial side of it. Yes, if you're going to be a SAHP you should make sure you've looked into the 'what ifs'. I do know that one of the SAHD's lives with his DW in her parents house - quite what'll happen there if the relationship goes belly up I don't know but I assume as he's a grown up, he's got that covered. Just because he's a SAHD doesn't mean his brain has ceased to function.

It's just like you have to look into the financial side of returning to work. And of course, some people (men and women) are happy to pay out all or most of their salary to a child minder because they enjoy their jobs so much or they're still at the rising part of their career. Good for them. Some of us, through luck, budgeting or have a DH/DW/DP who earns a good salary, can take time out because it's what we want to do or what we feel is right for our family. Good for us. Some have to pay out because they have no choice and even a few pounds left over each week is better than nothing. And it's those people everyone should be shouting about. The people who would prefer to live their life another way (whether that's a career or being a full or part time SAHP) but have no choice because they can't climb out of that financial rut.

Personally, I can't imagine anything more boring than sitting in a meeting room or negotiating a sale or typing up another report. I had 27 years of it. Just like some people can't imagine anything more boring than being a SAHM/D. If I'm still doing THAT in 27 years then people have a right to question it. Six years into it is less time than I was in my last job and no-one asked me to justify that...

why one earth does anyone question a working mother then?

I didn't realise anyone was, but presumably it's for the same kind of reasons that people think SAHMs are "lazy". Ignorance, projection, presumption, whatever.

My DH spends a lot of time with DD when he can, but obviously I get to spend a lot more time with him than he does, and that shows in our respective relationships in all sorts of ways.

a lot more time with her* than he does.

I have trust issues and would never feel secure or at ease relying on a man but that is my issue and I know that. I wish I could be trusting of a DP but I can't, so being SAHM is not for me. However if I did not have those trust issues it would be lovely to be a SAHM.

I have so many thoughts on this I am a lone parent have been for 9 years have 2 dcs(9 and 11).

I have always worked and studied a lot of the time so its been a busy few years .I am happy I have made the best of my life and me and my kids are a great team.

However I do think many of us ,I include me here ,are part of the cult of 'busyness' that we all have to be doing loads all the time and somehow that makes us better , rather than just busier people.

I love my work ,my kids and wouldn't change much but I do think we need to be aware that this new 'normal' of being on the go constantly .It probably isn't good for us and doing less is probably a good idea .

I think we need to disentangle our ideas of worth from how much we can fit in a day.

olgaga - I didn't realise anyone was

rubbish

London well said.

I always find it so ironic that a working mum who worked as a housekeeper/nanny for another family while her DH was a SAHD would be given a big pat on the back.

A SAHM who works as a housekeeper/nanny for her own family while her DH goes out to work is assumed to be desperately trying to fill her days, or "lazy".

What this thread shows is that there are as many preferences as there are people.

I don't judge women who work full time, and I don't expect to be judged as a SAHM.

Like you I worked for 24 years straight before I had my DD. I worked at the same level my DH is at now when I gave up work. No-one can tell me what it's like to have a career - I've done that. I see my time at home with my DD as something I worked bloody hard for, and I just laugh at the envy and insecurity evident in these kind of threads.

Faster well I must have missed it then - it's a long thread. Perhaps you could point it out to me?

hamdangle

In response to your comment that you still fail to see how you would fill your time when dc are at school.
Its a good job you work then.
I'm not suggesting I'm always rushed off my feet although sometimes my day is hectic. However, I have never felt nor been bored. Theres a world out there.
I have been known to have the occasional lunch out with dh or friends, but not regularly and also don't go to the gym, nor have nails done.
For your comment about activities in the evening my dds start at 3.30 and sometimes she finishes at 8pm. They are not all held during the evening at all.

I just laugh at the envy and insecurity evident in these kind of threads

I think most WOHM who are envious are pretty open about it and are sad they dont have the choice.
I think insecurity is probably the reason for the undermining comments whether SAH or WOH , the comments fuel defensiveness and insecurity and it goes on...

olgaga - that's not going to happen.

Envious of what?

I tried being a SAHM, didn't like it. So now I work from home (mostly). What am I envious of?

People shouldn't have to justify what they do, but many still feel the need to, and often those justifications are poor. Good on you if you can afford not to work when the kids are at school. But saying things like you've worked hard to be able to do that comes across as condescending. Most people work hard. Most people I'm sure would like to have more time for leisure and their kids.

To take a different example, where kids aren't involved. I have a friend who is a dentist, and he works 3 days a week. He always seems slightly on the defensive about this (though I never mention it), and comes out with things like he needs the time off to do stuff around the house, visit relatives etc. I wished he was just honest and said that he only worked 3 days because that was all he needed to do to earn a good wage. The reasons he gives are just annoying and patronising.

Faster I just searched the whole thread for the terms "working mother" and "WOHM". All I have found is sympathetic stuff about how stressed WOHMs are, and how people had friends who were WOHMs who wished they weren't.

So what are you referring to? And why did you accuse me of talking rubbish?

Olgaga

I too had a good career prior to dc, and was earning the magnificent 42K we hear about now in 1980's. It was a lovely business and I enjoyed it and worked hard.
There is no way I would have continued post dc, it just wasn't for me.
I can understand why other women want to continue with their career as much as I can see why some prefer to be sahm.

I too think there is a lot of envy and insecurity out there and people who feel the need to justify how they spend their day. Of course I will answer out of politeness but as no 2 days are the same the answer may be vague

You sound envious whats