Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

ALvin i would hate to go through marriage and life thinking oh i musnt rely on anyone i must go to work to a job im not keen on and leave my children who need me so i can make sure im financially independent just in case my husband fucks me over.I would rather give it my all and enjoy my life without that in the back of my mind,if it happens it happens.Money isnt the be all and end all,despite having plenty now i didnt always and if the shit hits the fan i would manage just like plenty of others do.

i think most women who are financially independent see it as a positive, not the fear you describe.

But isn't it weird. Yes sometimes I look at my working friends and think I might like some of that as the usual routine can get a bit dull and samey at times. I know they look at me and would like some of what I've got. Tis life I suppose.

Aren't we all bringing up our DC to be financially independent? Isn't this a goal?

Or are we going to support them into adulthood?

Easilybored

perhaps the dhs of sahms wouldn't expect to do too much when they came home from work, depending on what work was tbh. Some men like mine for instance work a variety of hours, nothing set.
My dh has done an equal share of domestic, raising our dc, maintenance, gardening, decorating etc. If he is working from home and the washing needs to go on he'll do it, if dd needs to be somewhere he'll offer to take her. If we need a shop and I'm doing other stuff he'll go. If he is busy or working away then I'll do it. Ds1 and Ds2 muck in likewise and dd is beginning to start as well. We work as a team and don't define each other by roles, responsibilities, duties etc. We are all individuals working for a common cause.

'i think most women who are financially independent.. '
but if most mothers that work have to to pay half the mortgage/bills then are they not also financially dependent on partner? few could really manage it all on their own. Many have to sell the house in a split etc etc.

Ambersocks I wasnt necessarily meaning that you had to WOH to be financially independent but personally I do and have always enjoyed earning my own money.

I was referring to your description of women who dont just trust their partners as sad. I think all partnerships are based to a certain extent on trust - healthy ones certainly but it does piss me off that young women are still being fed the line of men as lovely protectors/providers and they are not being taught that the best way of ensuring that they/their children will be financially protected is to make sure whether they SAH or WOH that they take sound financial advice and put that advice into practice.
The whole I love my DH so much and he loves me is great but it dont pay the bills !

jelly - I was commenting on the idea of living in fear of their partner leaving element rather any practicalities.

a two earner household is likely (on average) to have a higher income, be less reliant on benefits so to be more able to cope with divorce, redundancy and govt changes.

I was a STAHM with 3 DCs and what I've never understood is why it's not classed as work FFS! Apart from not being paid there's a hell of a lot of work involved! You have to pay a CM or nanny or nursery but for some reason all the work that a STAHM does is not work!!

Jellybeans.

I totally agree, if dh were to leave me I'd be no worse off financially whether wohm or sahm. If I was working and paying half the bills there wouldn't be much money left.
I also don't see how gov changes and divorce are any harder to cope with whether you wohm or sahm. Its devastating whatever your work commitment is.

ppeatfruit This thread is about mums of school age children. Who generally have about 6 hours a day "free" to do what they want with. And as most have shown on this thread, it tends not to be all spent "working".

ppeatfruit

Oh dear, now you've been and gone and done it. Batten down the hatches for a whole heap of ugliness telling you that it isn't work and how you don't deserve to be paid you lazy mother. Why should you get paid when i have to work, ugliness

I am a sahm. I hadn't planned this but it's how it worked out and now - ten years in I've stopped feeling gulity about it and started really enjoying it possibly because we've suddenly hit the wall financially and I have to go out and get a job. I love my children's company and I worry who my ten year old will talk to about he ploitics of the school yard and what they did in school when I am not available, and who will take my 4 yr old jumping in muddy puddles in the rain and the answer is no-one!!! a child minder just won't have the same time and attention that I have been able to give my children. My non-sahm friends definitely look down their noses at me. I find it shocking how many working out of the home mothers say: I could not stay at home with my children: how boring! Yet, most sahm would (hopefully) not say how could you fob your babies off on paid mother-substitutes 5 days of the week! Anyway, I know (in hindsight) that my children and I have been so so fortunate and we have all benefitted hugely from my being here for the first 10/4 years of their lives. However, despite studying and doing volunteer work during my time at home I am finding it next to impossible to even get an interview - let alone a job so while I can see the value of being a sahm I'm also feeling a little bit knocked for six by the effects of my "indulgence"

Oh DUH thanks morethan i just put my oar in before reading the the whole thread {Ducks out nervously}

I think that all parents of pre school dc should receive a childcare wage whether wohm or sahm. It is hard work when you have dc at home and I have never met a parent yet who didn't do the same job as a childcare worker, in fact better in most cases. Then wohm could spend their allowance on nursery if they wanted to.
But I know this is another thread.

I'd love to be able to stay at home all day whilst kids are at school playing sport and going out to lunch. Sounds great. Shame I can't afford it. Talking of what you do or don't want to do is all well and good, but the reality for most people is that they don't have the choice. I think I would be pretty resentful if I was working my arse off whilst my wife just did fun stuff during the day, even if we could afford it.

I also don't see how gov changes and divorce are any harder to cope with whether you wohm or sahm

emotionally maybe not - but financially clearly, unless you are a v low or high income household.

Yes but my husband gets to do fun stuff in the evening while I see to the kids. You're not using much imagination if you can't see that it isn't just him working and the SAHm just sitting on her arse all day, though I sometime do that too. There are all different situations that come into it.

I think some things should be done for the love of it,not just for the money,it would attract the wrong type of people.

I want to see my kids in the evenings and at weekends. When we're both at home parental and domestic tasks are shared equally. Doesn't sound like he has any involvement with family life.

He often takes them to school and picks them up actually. Takes them to their sports stuff and spends as much time as possible with them at the weekends. Plus several family holidays a year we have, so maybe 5 weeks of quality time. Yes, he can be away weeks at a time but tbh I'd say he probably spends more time overall with the kids than many of my friends husbands.

And he looks after them the odd time I go away for a week or so or a weekend. So he is very capable of looking after them.

I find the idea that housework,chores etc shouldnt be done at the weekends ,evenings together very odd like it is a huge benefit for DH and DC to never be involved . I grew up carwashing,baking, gardening with my DP
We share the chores and my DC have always seen both of us doing them and we all happily potter about at weekends,sometimes going out for lunch,sometimes gardening,baking ,washing,dog walking.
We have our individual hobbies and interests and go our seperate ways as well. The idea of "Family fun time" sounds very forced to me~shudder~ like someone holding an Alton Towers pass to my head and saying "you will have fun "

dufflefluffle I could SAH with my DC and have done but it wasnt the best choice for me longterm. I consider my happiness as important as that of my DC . My own Mother didnt have a happy life when I was a child and it did impact on us.

If a mother says she would be bored at home she means just that, she isnt for whatever reason happy with SAH and therefore makes a different choice to you. I did SAH but found it isolating and I really missed the structure and routine of working life to the point it affected my mental health. I like the balance that WOH gives me and am lucky that I am well paid enough to only work 3 days a week. My DC havent ever been looked after by a paid mother-substitute( lovely choice of words) unless you count DH but he wasnt paid to parent his own children.
We all thrive on and enjoy different things and ways of life .Lets stop making it a competition.

BegoniaBampot

You seem to be sending mixed messages. On the one hand you do everything with the kids which justifies taking it easy when they're at school, but on the other he does spend lots of time with them, so which is it?

You don't have to apologise for your way of life. It sounds nice to me. But don't make out that you're not living a life of leisure.