Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

If you are at home while your children are out at school, does your partner expect you to be 100% responsible for all domestic stuff? I think my husband would feel very unhappy if he had to do anything domestic (apart from childrearing) when he came home from work, if I had been at home all day without the children.

I think as a society we have become scared of being dependant on anyone else and that is a shame.There is not one part of me that is worried about being dependant on dh.Its the same with children,people are so scared of them becoming reliant or clingy.

Its ridiculous,if you cant rely or depend on those you love then thats very sad imo.

Tell people you're doing a Phd

When they say oh how fascinating, what in?

Tell them it's about the Euler Identity and the Gamma Function.

They will think you are fantastically clever AND won't want to talk about it.

win win

FasterSTronger

My kids are all very confident and extroverted but they would and do choose home over school/activities in a heartbeat.

Don't do that at a maths convention obviously.

Adapt to suit.

The difference easily is that neither dh or I really care who brings in the money as long as someone does. IF I was able to earn as much as dh then he would be at home.

He might support us financially but I support him in plenty of other ways, it's a team effort, we are both doing what we are good at and happy with.

We have never had 'his money/my money' EVER. It makes me wince when I see threads on here about having to ask dh for money. We both have total access to all money/savings etc. Both names on the house.

easily bored i guess it depends,mine are not all at school yet and dh and i share the housework,he does more at weekends and during the week he doesnt do much,but he does do bath,bed and cook dinner,i clean up,laundry,dishwasher etc,we also have a cleaner 2 x a week.When they are all at school i expect it will remain pretty much the same really,except more balanced at weekends.

It might be 'sad' that we are scared of being dependent on anyone, but the reality is that a lot of women are totally taken advantage of, and have no power or recourse to complain in their relationships because they are dependent and supported 100%.

amber - I was not talking about confidence. we are all different

hully

easily We share jobs around the house and ds pitches in too as we all live here. I am pretty much responsible for cooking as I am better at it.

Dh was working in the same job years and years before we met or had ds so he is doing what he has always done, it's not all suddenly on his shoulders.

Yes, I do my sports and go walking, lunch and cinema through the day and enjoy the less stressful pace that my working friends have who have to fit everything else in the evening and at weekends. why is doing all that not living? Do you not do stuff like that in your spare time? Does it matter what time of the day you do your leisure stuff?

I don't agree that you have to go out to work to be a "role model". Ultimately the role you have that has most relevance to your child is as a parent.

The values my Mum passed on to me about the importance of education and independence for women, of hard work, determination, conscientiousness, honesty, kindness and compassion were instilled in me long before she ever went back to work. Yes I was proud of her achievements at work when she returned in her mid 40s and determinedly forged a career, but by then I was working myself.

I had my DD late in life and I was independently solvent before I married and had her. I had a good career, having left school at 16 and worked my way up to a senior level in a job which, like sweetkitty and others, involved far too much travel and long, irregular hours, to combine with motherhood. My DH works in a similar job to the one I gave up, so his ability to do more on the domestic front is extremely limited.

I hung on to one part of my career (a judicial appointment, rather than a job) when I had DD and I built this up from a couple of days a month when she was a baby and my Mum was still alive to help, and I now work around one week in each month.

DD is now 12 and still only vaguely understands the value of what I do in terms of the role - she is more able to understand the financial benefit. However, even now when I remind her that I'm booked to work the following week she gives me a or depending on her mood. She knows full well that when I am working life at home is not the same, it's not so relaxed and she just doesn't get to spend so much time with me. I remind her that it's our "fun money" for things like trips to London on inset days etc (although we could afford these things regardless) and she accepts it, but she is never happy about it.

If I am cancelled at short notice, which happens occasionally, she cheers!

I don't think your children give a damn about what you do with your life (assuming it's not beyond-the-pale uncool ) as long as you're there for them when they need you.

easily bored what are you basing that on?your own experience?mumsnet?do you have any statistics?

Amber that kind of how it works for us too - when we're both in the house we split all domestic and childcare stuff between us, and are a team. I just think he would be very resentful at having to go to work (because like most people, if he didn't have to work, he wouldn't!) while I spent my days going to the gym, baking, reading and generally enjoying myself. It just seems like a very unequal power balance, and not one we could live with. But then, as I said, this is where I struggle; if it works for you then I guess that's fine and we should all make our own choices, but I struggle to understand how it works.

We have a kind of 'family money' situation, in that we both have similar amounts of spending money and we make all big purchases together etc. But I like having my own account so that I have the freedom to buy surprise presents etc.

I actually do know that he has never missed me and is very proud of my career and not because he has told me because that would be 'icky' but because many of his friends are kids that I have taught and they have told me.

I totally disagree with after school clubs being awful and if your kid enjoys them they must have an awful home life . DS really enjoyed after school club because most of his friends were there too and they did lots of fun stuff. Not really that different from doing after school activities really.

I really don't see any sense in doing housework in the day, the most mess is created in my home in the evening.

I do it once the kids are in bed and Hoover on the weekends, that way my house is spotless when I sit down. I used to do it all everyday but not anymore life is just to short.

And often my working friends seem to shoulder much more of the housework, shopping, cooking and kids stuff than their husbands. me being at home picking up all that slack means he can work some of the crazy and long hours he does. It's not a perfect set up, sure resentments can bubble away sometimes just like with any set up.

My children go to swimming, football practice, rugby club, young carers group, youth club and horse riding why would they not have social opportunities?

easily I have my own account as well. I can buy anything I want too - just as dh can.

Sad Ambersocks isnt protecting yourself and your DC ,its over there >>>>>>> on the relationships board where trusting women relied on their ,at the time loving DH to always care for and provide for them.

You sound very naive if you think being financially astute is ridiculous (whether SAHM or WOHM)

Amber from here and from real life.

I am a stay at home mother with no kids... I have a small income of my own, through property, and although getting to this situation has involved a lot of hard work, I now don't have to do so much.
Two things...
I don't know how anyone can say they are bored when they have the freedom to do what they like. I have done voluntary work, have various creative interests, take classes. It's bloody great.
On the other hand, I'm older now (50s), and I would not have wanted to put myself in someone else's financial power, especially when I was younger. This has come after a successful 20 yr career.
Word of warning. A friend was with the same man for 35 years. Not married, 2 dcs. When he left her she found that she has no right to a share of the pension he built up during the 10 years she took off work to look after the dcs.

easily when I was in this situation, my OH worked long hours, and was often away 2 or 3 nights a week, so , Yes, I was responsible for all the housework, and for ferrying the DDs to any after school activities, so we did feel there was a fair distribution of work. And as I didn't need to work financially, it seemed a logical step to do some voluntary work, which taught me new skills and was of benefit to others.

My DH would not be able to reduce his hours and would definitely not want to be a sahp. So although I think he is slightly jealous of my spare time, he is intelligent enough to realise that if i worked, then there would be far greater pressures on us as a family. He is stressed enough at work already. Him having to take on more responsibility at home, would make this worse, if I worked. Two stressed parents working is not conducive to a happy family.

Now if me working could relieve some of his work pressure and reduce his hours, then it would be a different matter. Of course I would work. It would be very selfish not to.

I think some WOFH mothers do it for this reason - not because they actually really want to. I also think that you justify your decisions to yourself as well. If you have to work, then a positive and natural, mindset is to let yourself believe that you are working because you want to.

Easilybored - you wondered how it works. I do sports and leisure stuff through the day (sometimes in the evening when he is around). He does his fun stuff in the evening ( and through the day sometimes as he doesn't work 9-5) when I look after the kids. For example this weekend he had it all to himself in his 5 star hotel, eating out and drinking in nice bars, going to the gym or sightseeing while I had the kids to see to and attend their tournaments (about 15 hours mostly in the rain). He can be away for weeks on end and we have no family to help. generally, he doesn't have to worry about housework, food shopping etc so his downtime is relatively stress free. I could do everything, house and kids AND work but I don't really want to or I'd be super stressed and be bitching more at him and we would probably argue more and feel resentful. Also, he earns more in a day than I probably would in a month so all that for not much return.

that's how it works.