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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay at Home mums

999 replies

marilynmonroe · 13/05/2013 21:01

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
jellybeans · 15/05/2013 09:56

I think the fact that many SAHMs with older DC say they want to be around for school runs and hols is why the current gov want to extend school hours and shorten holidays. If school was 9 till 5 no parents would have a need to cite needing to be around in the holidays etc.

Chandon · 15/05/2013 09:58

Yes jelly, but poor kids! 9-5 for life from such a young age.

On the other hand, we just had 2 weeks Easter hols, another half term coming up, and then 6 or 7 weeks of summer hols. It does seem rather a lot.

Runoutofideas · 15/05/2013 09:59

But that solution is in no way good for the children. Their needs are not being considered at all.

valiumredhead · 15/05/2013 10:12

I don't think DC think wow I have this great SAHM either!

My child does, he told me Grin

wordfactory · 15/05/2013 10:22

valium are you sure it's not you who has told your child that? Wink

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 10:22

Valium

All 3 of our dc have said so too.

Today my dd has a bad cold, quite high temperature. I am so glad I don't have to find somebody else to look after her or send her to school ill. Being at home has really made a difference to her education and I can see her improving daily, far more than she was at school.
I have a pile of ironing to do but besides that I can take care of dd.
Tomorrow she has a dancing exam during what would be school time. I don't have to worry about taking time off or finding someone else to take her. I am fortunate that dh works mainly from home, we share domestic responsibility so I am never bored, with too many ugly jobs to do. Grin
"No woman should have to clean a cooker" - Lilly Savage, many years ago.

HazleNutt · 15/05/2013 10:25

Personally i dont think that children think"wow look at my mum being a professional,having it all"...

Actually yes, I did, have always been very proud of mum's career and achievements. And thanks to her I firmly believe that I can "have it all" as well. "All" being that I can have what men have - a family without being forced to give up on all career ambitions.

valiumredhead · 15/05/2013 10:27

Nope, I am very pro women working if that's right for them, didn't come from me at all.

Ds is off sick today too - very grateful I don't have to fret about taking time off work tbh.

I never clean my cooker now, I have a nice man who does it for me Wink

morethanpotatoprints · 15/05/2013 10:38

I don't see why it is difficult to understand that dc can be very openly appreciative of the things parents do for them. Mine have been very vocal in this and I am pleased they have grown/are growing up to be appreciative.
Of course women should work if its right for them and their family and they shouldn't if its not for them or their family.
I'm loving these men who clean cookers, so many don't lift a finger if they work and you are a sahm. Some don't lift a finger when their dw works Shock

stepawayfromthescreen · 15/05/2013 10:43

hamndangle says:
and DS has never missed me

You can't know that.
My Mum worked 2 jobs when we were growing up and I said I was okay with this. I wasn't. I just put up with it because there was no other option. She wasn't enriched or empowered, just bloody knackered and bad tempered.

jellybeans · 15/05/2013 10:44

I agree but it's obviously the government's view. I personally would home educate if they bring this in as the school day is already long enough. I like the holidays also. If anything the government should be trying to increase flexible working around what is best for kids not the other way round.

One thing I also think is that those that want total equality and want both parents to work, wouldn't it be better if both worked part time rather than both have to work full time? That would be better 'progress' surely... It's not really a step forward the way things are.

Also the government like to make out that most parents both work but really SAH is still very common. Few mums actually work full time with young infants. One third have a SAHP. One third work part time. Many work low hours. Majority then cut their hours wither as a SAHP or by cutting their hours to spend more time with DC and less in work.

For those who slate SAHM is part time also a bad role model? If so what it the 'cut off' point? What if you only do paid work of an hour a week etc

FasterStronger · 15/05/2013 10:48

I don't see why it is difficult to understand that dc can be very openly appreciative of the things parents do for them. Mine have been very vocal in this and I am pleased they have grown/are growing up to be appreciative.

just the same a people who appreciate that their mothers did work.

and DS has never missed me....You can't know that. in the same way as you cannot believe if someone really wanted a SAHM, just because they said so

holmessweetholmes · 15/05/2013 10:52

I did a couple of years as a SAHM by choice before my youngest started full-time school. He's now in Reception and I am looking for a job but so far with no success. We manage ok financially, but I want to go back to work (part time) because I would like to be better off. I don't think the children need me to be at home now they are at school - they are not here!
Having said that, I don't ever get bored. Housework is a pain, but I have hobbies and enjoy cooking etc. I can't imagine ever finding it hard to fill my time.

stepawayfromthescreen · 15/05/2013 10:55

FasterStronger, given the choice, the overwhelming majority of children would rather be at home, especially when they get to school age and are sent off to afterschool/holiday clubs. My kids hate those. They resent every second they spend in them! It would take a pretty crappy home life to persuade a child that daycare is better.

stepawayfromthescreen · 15/05/2013 10:56

it's the elephant in the room isn't it, acknowledging that it's better for children to be at home with a parent? (unless their home is an unhealthy, chaotic one)

OwlLady · 15/05/2013 11:00

I liked coming home to my Mum or Gran

AmberSocks · 15/05/2013 11:01

stepaway well said.

OwlLady · 15/05/2013 11:02

That post isn't to make anyone feel bad btw as I have worked as well and my children have had to go to childminders and after school clubs etc because it's what we had to do, but they do like coming home to me now and I am not going to feel bad about that myself, because it's something that make us all happy

FasterStronger · 15/05/2013 11:03

step but doesn't that depend on whether the DC is an introvert or extrovert?

AlvinHallsGroupie · 15/05/2013 11:03

Interesting how it has descended into My life is fantastic,yours is shit(paraphrasing)
Ive done both SAH/WOH and there are pros and cons to both ,lets be realistic.
Currently in bed recovering from minor surgery,DH is doing everything domestic atm morethan Grin

HazleNutt · 15/05/2013 11:05

A lot of children actually enjoy different after school activities - no, that does not mean all those children have horrible home lives they want to escape from.

valiumredhead · 15/05/2013 11:06

Wrt to being a role model - I cannot be everything to my child, there are plenty of good role models for ds in our family and he will take a bit of everything and find his own way in the world.

EasilyBored · 15/05/2013 11:08

I've been thinking about this thread this morning, and I can't quite get all my thoughts/feelings straight but here goes; I would personally wonder what a SAHM did all day when their children were at school, probably imagining it was mostly domestic tasks, life admin, bit of relaxing, lunch etc. I don't think there is exactly anything wrong with that, at the end of the day we should be free to make our own choices and if you want to stay at home so you can be there for the school run and have time for other things, then I guess that's fine and a valid choice.

BUT you can only do this (barring personal wealth or family money) if you have a partner who is able and willing to financially support this choice. And a bit of me struggles with that - I would feel in a very vulnerable position to be 100% reliant on someone for everything, when I wasn't using the majority of my non-working time to provide childcare. For example, at the minute I work part-time, and DS goes into childcare the three days I work. I don't feel reliant on my husband because I have some income coming in of my own, and the days when I am not working, I am providing childcare that would otherwise cost the family quite a lot. If I was not working at the minute, I would be providing childcare full time as DS is not old enough for school. Again, childcare which would be very costly if I wasn't doing it. IF childcare was not my primary role when staying at home (for example if the children were all at school), I would feel very much like my husband was working to support me while I did a bit of cleaning, did the school run and then pottered around doing a bit of gardening/my hobby/having lunch with my friends. And that doesn't seem very fair. There is no way he would be happy about that - why should I get to not work just because I don't really want to, and he has to work regardless? I don't think I have the personality to be happy in a situation where I was not generating my own income (regardless of how much it was); you don't have to look much further than the relationships boards to see how often women get totally and utterly fucked over by their husbands, and many times they didn't have a clue before it happened. I could not put myself in that position, no matter how much I trust that my husband is a nice, kind man who would never behave like that.

I'm not really sure of my point. On the one hand, I want to say that I support another woman's right to make her own choices and live her life in a way that makes her happy. But on the other hand, it seems very... odd to me that women are happy to stay at home after all their children are at school, and as they grow up and be supported 100% by someone else.

valiumredhead · 15/05/2013 11:10

The other interesting thing I find is that when I say to men I don't work outside the home it is a complete non issue and just taken as fact, say it to a woman and the sneering and judging follows ( not always but enough that it's noticeable) It's a shame women's biggest critics seem to be other women, we could all do with supporting each other's choices a bit more imo.

UtterflyButterfly · 15/05/2013 11:10

I think what this thread emphasises is that everyone's an individual and you have to do what's right for you and for your family as a whole.

I stayed at home until my DDs were 10 and 7. I enjoyed being a 'homemaker' - baking, gardening, decorating - and I did voluntary work a couple of mornings a week. I also helped in their school two afternoons a week. Add that to going to the gym, swimming, meeting friends for coffee - there wasn't really any time left over when I had to be ready for the school run at 3.

OP, I'm sure you'll fill your days quite easily once DCs are all at school; enjoy it while you can!