Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

I really don't think it is a popularity contest either there is nothing wrong with working I certainly dont think I am holier than thou for sah I am partly at home because I have a medical condition as well I am not the mumsy type who bakes blah blah I am just an ordinary probably lax parent doing her best, for her children it is what everybody does, working or not,

"horribly self-indulgent" - now that is something to ponder

sour grapes perhaps?

I did think that about my mum. She went back to work when my youngest sibling started school and she worked 9.15-3.00 so she took us to/collected us from primary school.

I was very proud of her even as a young kid. My daughter is now 2 and I restarted my work (office at home but lots of meetings/workshops etc. ut of home) when she was about 8 weeks old. My partner works from home 2 days a week which are my main work days, it also means he gets to spend time with her and we share household tasks.

I find many of the setups described on this thread very regressive and depressing. People say yould be more than your job... Yeah, but you could also be more than someone's wife, someone's mum, and a lady who lunches.

I don't understand the arguments that I've read on here about 'life is too short' and 'no one on their death bed says they wish they spent more time in work' and then at the same time suggesting filling your time up with housework, meeting friends for coffee and going to the gym. If that equals a fulfilling life then I find that really depressing.I am on maternity leave at the moment and I am bored to tears. At first the thought of an empty 10 months stretching before me scared me quite a bit but I'm getting used to it now. I will still be glad to get back to work in September though.

I understand wanting to be at home before your kids start school, even though I wouldn't, but I really can't see how you could justify not doing even part time work once they were in school. If DH wanted to be a SAHP when they were young I would respect that but if he wanted to stay off once they'd started school so he could have 'a bit of a break' 'focus on me' and do 'projects' I would think he was a cheeky fucker!!!

I think kids growing up now have a different attitude to SAHMs too. My older DS is 16 and thinks that the fact I spend most of my days sewing, cooking and sitting in Costa makes me a loser. He thinks I need to go back to work!

soup you can a good role model and be a SAHP, of course you can. But what you cannot do (no matter how much volunteer work you do, or how much decorating) is model being a professional parent.

So what?

No one person can decide what is the most important thing to model for all DC.

Some people certainly do and they always pop up on these threads.

i disagree i think kids do think that about sahm because they are physically there with them,they cant see what your doing all day at work do they?

my kids always say they are glad i look after them and dont go out to work,because they have friends and we have family where both parents work long hours and the kids dont seem happy at all,i know my kids are glad i sah because they tell me regularly!

Dont get me wrong i think there can be a balance where you work and spend enough time as a family bu ive never met anyone who has managed that.

whats a professional parent??????
a stay at home mum does more parenting

I think the attitude towards the parent depends on the parent though,i thought my mum was boring and lazy for staying at home because she was,she didnt do it to spend more time with us or because he enjoyed it,she did it because she was too lazy,she cleaned,watched tv,ate and shouted at us mostly,never played with us,showed affection,took us anywhere.

ham good point. Do people on their death bed often wish they spent more time on Pinterest?

The SAHMs I know seem to fill up their time doing volunteering, adult education classes and sports classes. And they get the housework done during the week rather than rushing around at the weekend.

Thing is, I returned to work, six months after my ds was born. It was nights so, he didn't miss me much. As he got older, he got used to mummy going to work at night (and being knackered most of the time) and I was able to do all the other stuff I had to, around night shifts. It was hard, believe me!

But, there are times when I hear of mums who have to hand over the care of their children to childminders/nurseries/family members (usually grandma) in order to work bloody hard for not much money, by the time they've paid someone to child mind and its so sad. Such a shame but how our society works today. When I was little, mum met me at the school gate. Home was warm and welcoming and tea time was tea time, at a table and home made. Call me old fashioned (I am, I know!) but I like being able to do that now, for my family.

I was good at my job and there are times now when people dismiss me as just a SAHM but, I still think in bloody lucky!

I hope my children grow up thinking I am a good person who has managed to teach them they can be anything they want to be. to be comfortable in their own skin and that they should be true to themselves. I don't want them to look at me and think "I want to do exactly what she has done." If they can say "my mother gave me all the support and lifeskills I need to be happy with my life" then I have succeeded - I don't need to be at work to do that nor do I need to be a SAHM.

I doubt there is a better role model than that - whether I achieve it or not is another matter :)

To be perfectly honest, the economy is fucked. Unemployment rates are high.

Let those who can afford to have one parent at home be at home without judgement, so that they free up jobs for those who need them!

It is more selfish to work if you dont have to, than to stay at home if you can.

Hamdangle.

Why do you think people need to justify their position either wohm or sahm. There are many reasons why a person is a sahp and they support their spouses decision, its part of being together. I find it sad that you would think your dh a cheeky fucker if he wanted to be a sahp, hardly helping equality is it?
Some people don't live to work but would rather work to live. If you are paying your bills and not hurting anyone where's the problem. Life is for living and enjoying.

I am a sahm for different reasons, in that my eldest has severe disabilities and I am a carer really. I worked until my youngest started school and then with appointments, 3 children at three different schools it just became impossible so I decided to give it up. I still feel stretched tbh and I do struggle with the concept of not having my own income but I am surprised how quickly the day passes tbh!

My Mum was at home most of the time when me and my sister were growing up and I remember my friend being really quite jealous that I went home to my Mum and she went home to an empty house

I was an SAHM and for two years after the youngest started school I was a Mummy Helper in both their classes, helped out on school trips, was on the PTA worked for DH doing his books one day a week, and ran the house.

After two years though I got bored and very luckily a job was advertised in our local paper that was 9-3: five days a week, all school holidays off. I started and fifteen years later I am still there, though I now work 4 full days a week and have less holidays (and more money!) as the kids are grown up! I would not have taken a job without all the holidays off.

Lol, here they come again... it's regressive and depressing staying at home with your kids? And so much more fulfilling working 40 hours a week doing a repetitive job for some employer or other, working with colleagues you don't much like? Now, I expect the wohm's to pile in saying that they adore their wonderful, life enriching career, working with the best of humanity. But back here, in the real world...most of my friends are wohm's. They don't enjoy their jobs/careers/work. They're not enriched and empowered by it. They'd give it up in a heartbeat if they could afford to. Most of their earnings go to childcare, bills, outgoings.
Regressive and depressing being at home with your children?
It's hardly surprising that people share these attitudes when the past 2 governments have tried to force/entice/bribe Mothers back.
You can argue that the process of mothering is sexist, but when men can get pregnant, give birth and breastfeed, perhaps they'll have a stronger desire to stay at home with their offspring.

Sorry amazing mum of 6- I didn't word that well. It was meant to highlight the difficulty I personally would have, as a result of a Presbyterian upbringing, in filling my days with activities which , in my mind, are classed firmly as 'leisure' rather than 'work' . My mil worked all her days - she just didn't get paid for it. I'm a Sahm just now, and I feel very guilty at spending time on MN during the day, I feel that if DH is out working hours then I should be too. But that's my problem, not anyone else's.

I was up many times last night with feverish 1 year old and I'm sooo happy I don't have to go to work & worry about her or having to take yet another day off to look after her.

call me a bitch, but I will have a nap when she sleeps and I will enjoy it!

Great post stepaway

Ikwym my children are always off ill with one thing or another. I worked until Nov last year and I got disciplined for having 2 lots of 2 days off together in a 12 month period....that was before winter. I presume I most probably would have got the sack by now anyway

It is equality! I would expect DH to think the same about me if I wanted to stay off once the kids were in school! I agree life is for living. I don't agree that going for lunch/going to the gym/doing leisure classes when your kids are in school is living.

My job is enriching and I do feel empowered working. I don't regret a single moment spent in work and DS has never missed me. I teach A level English and we study an anthology of women's journalism. We have discussions about women and work etc. many kids said they were looked after by grandparents and had very happy memories about it. Some were raised by mums and also had happy memories. Mostly they didn't have much of an opinion though and hadn't really thought about it. It's only us as parents who suffer the guilt either way!

justwondering - yes, I feel guilty sometimes too, but you need opportunities to recharge your batteries and get a break from whingeing kids and endless chores!

I call it self-preservation, you call it leisure. that's fine

(call me a bitch was meant to be posted with ! and wasn't aimed at you!)

People who don't know what SAHMs with school age children do all day are lacking in imagination!

I arranged to go back to work fulltime when my DC started school as I just did not realise the sheer amount of time and effort involved at primary age in supervising homework, having playdates, taking them to after school clubs, as well as activities that happen in the school day like concerts, school trips and so on. Lots of the mums here help out for a few hours a week in school too.I would love to have time in the week for coffee with friends, going to the gym/classe, doing voluntary work and pursuing hobbies.

Unfortunately I still have to work for financial reasons and so after a spell of part-time I am now going back fulltime for a bit. My older DC are now secondary school age so they do not need me as much for after-school activities. To be honest they do not even notice if I am there or not when they get back from school!