Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

Thanks snuffle. The torys have played a blinder this time. I can't wait till 2015 either. Can't come soon enough for me

I have returned to work ft, I was getting depressed on mat leave tbh. Found it very lonely and boring. I'm not great at cooking and cleaning, so I didn't get any sense of satisfaction from being at home, it made me feel fairly inadequate a lot of the time.

Thankfully my DH is more than happy to go part time and do all the home stuff, which he's much better at! I'm so much happier now I'm at work where I feel respected and its something I'm good at. It's not a high flying career by any means, but I enjoy it.

As for the OP's question "why do women feel they have to return to work when they don't have to", maybe we like working! Not all females are built to feel satisfied by being home and doing all the domestic duties.

People are a bit nonplussed by my working ft sometimes, which I resent. Ive had a few raised eyebrows. People don't seem to understand the fact that my DH is the SAHP. This thread is all about mums staying home, as if its still the only option, why don't your husbands get a chance to stay home? Would they like to? I just feel it's a bit sad in this day and age that its still the default that women will do the caring and men will earn the money. I really hope for some more equality in the future.

I would love to be a SAHM because I am fundamentally lazy and would rather not work.

During the week, my day starts at 5am and I am usually just finishing now, That is utterly exhausting and who wouldn't want to spend their time doing " projects" and having lunch instead?

Ihategeorge

You have my sympathy and I can remember it well. We had no family within 300 miles when the two older dc were little. It is difficult at times even if you have close friends you still miss family.

We eventually moved back to an area close to them all, expecting lots of baby sitters as you would. But oh no we have our own lives now that we have made a part from you. I wouldn't mind but they used to make us feel so bad for keeping their grdc or nephews away from them.

ihategeorgeosborne The Tories sure have played a blinder from childcare, to child benefit to pensions. I can't believe they are going to screw women who do not have 10 years of NI contributions (and who will not be eligible for a pension (which is a right today based on Husband's contribution).

Also all those women who have voluntarily paid extra for a second pension for many years will find their pension will now be the same as those that have not paid the extra NI.

Arisbottle My WOHM day sates at 5am and I also used to wind down around now. It is so tough and it really got me down. And then if I stuffed around on a weekend day or had an unexpected emergency such as a boiler needing to be fixed then that was it.

But then often my SAHM day has the same hours and I think being a SAHM is work too.

With no family I always feel on call whether SAHM or WOHM.

OP - to answer your questions:

I haven't got to the stage yet when my YOUNGEST is at school full time, and as yourself I have the luxury of not worrying about having to earn money.

I do have the smallest hobby/business selling my handmade jewellery, but it is more because it interests me and I like making things and being creative.

Right now 4 oldest are at school, DS5 and DD are home with me. she's just turned 1 and we may have more so it's going to be a long time before I'll have time to get bored - so to speak....

I was never carrier driven, work/job - I can take it or leave it from that POV.

I think it is absolutely fine to want to stay home and take care of family & household - I see nothing wrong with it.

I have hobbies and interest that I try to keep up, some are quite time consuming and hard to fit in - I'm looking forward to do these projects when kids are at school and I can plan my days based on what I want to do.

I think I might want a part time job eventually for variety and adult company rather than the money, but only if I can be home before the children arrive back from school.
I want to be around to make sure they are safe and happy, we have time to chat and be together, homework done, chores done etc.

both my parents worked and I hated that they came home late and seemingly had no time for us.
I used envy those kids who had mum or grandma waiting for them, they always had someone to talk to, who looked after them, even as teenagers.

So I want to be around for mine as long as they need me.

(I'm looking forward to having 9am-3pm to myself though! )

I do feel fortunate. I See my friends who work (and not all jobs are fantastic and well paid and actually many can be quite boring) and do it all with the kids and the house and it is hard and they are often exhausted and stressed. It seems that some here feel it's a virtue to be this stressed, that it's how it should be - WHY? If me being at home means that we all have more time to do what we want, be less rushed and stressed - is that really a bad thing. and I don't do nothing all day. Do a little bit of housework, gardening, shopping, mnetting, walking, sports, meet with friends, go for leisurely lunches with the husband even sneak in a few day trips to the cinema.

yes there can be downsides but their are downsides to working and having everything else to do as well.

disclaimer: "having time to myself" will still mainly consist of doing household chores, but being able to do it without a whining toddler and a teething baby will feel like total freedom!

but yes, of course I will go for swims, have naps, get on with my sewing, and bake cakes every day if I feel like it. why shouldn't I? I do these things already

amazingmumof6

I think I love you.
I bet your dc will really appreciate the support and nurturing you are giving them, and in years to come tell you. They grow up so quickly, it doesn't seem so long since my ds1 nearly 22 could fit between my wrist and elbow. He's a six foot bruiser now, but still loves coming round for a cuddle and chat.

Alvin "You are only considering the parenting of the DM in your example. Does noone on this thread actually have a DH/DP who contributes /cares for their DC ?? It seems that many SAHM are in that position because their DH/DP works very long hours. Many of us who do WOH have partners who share childcare and parenting by flexible working,compressed hours etc."

I think that's a very good point, but compressed hours and flexibility only happen if they're available, and they're not to many people. Compressed hours are pretty meaningless for desk based people who are paid to do a job, not work for a set number of hours. I am fortunate in that flexible working is available to me- I currently (get paid to) work 20 hours a week, completely flexibly (I tend to do 3x 7hr days plus prob 3-5 hrs unpaid overtime but that's life), and will increase that to 28 hours when DD is one in August (4 days over 5). However, I am almost famous in my sector for having this deal and it is a random fluke tbh, not the result of fantastic negotiation by me.

Anyway, I agree with you that the ideal situation would be more equal parenting, and I suspect that the way to get there is more women in FT work, and then once we get to that situation, we start working towards better work/family balance, negotiating from a position of strength etc. However, elephant in the room is that I'm not sure how many men actually want to cut their hours back and do more routine childcare- however, that may be because being a SAHP has low status. If it wasn't seen as "women's work" maybe they would.

The whole issue is so complex. Not only is every family's circumstances different, but you then layer on top society's norms, misconceptions and expectations, such as the way that people are predominantly valued on economic criteria, jobs predominantly done by women are seen as lesser than those predominantly done by men, and you end up with a situation whereby personal choices become political hot potatoes.

Anyway, I'm off to chuck a molotov cocktail at the Disney Store-anyone want to come?

Some things suit certain people/families and not others. I work 12-20 evening hours a week, though not now as DC2 is due any day.

I don't mind staying home during the day, I rather like it. It wouldn't bother me to give up my evening job really.

At some point I'd like to train to do hospice care, but a 9-5 gig in an office or something? No way, I'm not remotely suited to it.

Think it's time for this again. :o

morethan - it is great that you have chosen to give your children opportunities however you are misrepresenting current day life to suggest that it is a choice between work vs providing opportunities for children. In your case you obviously didn't have the opportunity for a job that fitted around your children's needs - or you didn't want to work, I don't know.

However when I worked P/T I am very clear that my DCs did not miss a single opportunity (I am very stubborn about making sure they have a parent there for every school event, have all the playdates they want to and do as many activities as is appropriate). My DD was doing 5 activities a week; DS only 2 but he was pre-school age so didn't want/need anything else.

I was very lucky that I had a P/T flexible job so that I could always be available when needed. Yes it was bloody hard work for me but I chose to do it because being fulfilled at work alongside being a good mum is really important to me. I just thank my lucky stars I live in a society where this is possible and we are no longer limited to the choice of parenting vs working.

I agree mutley...my kids.dont miss out on doing the activities/clubs/visits. I suppose it depends on the job you have

I hate all this bollocks about how you can only be a good role model if you are in paid employment. If you think that then you are spectacularly narrow minded.

Which isn't being a very good role model.

Personally I couldn't give a fuck whether someone is in paid employment or not. It is how they behave, what they teach their children and how they treat the people around them that matters.

Very interesting discussion.

I have been a SAHM since DS1 was born 5 years ago. Partly choice, partly practical (we moved to a country where I don't speak the language so finding a job would not be straightforward). Financially we are definitely struggling, DH is a teacher so not highly paid. But our youngest is due to start nursery / pre-school 4 mornings a week in September, so that will mark a new phase in my life.

It's interesting to hear from so many people what being a SAHM means today, what SAHMs fill their time with. My MIL stopped working when DH was born (45 years ago), was FT SAHM until her youngest started school (about 8 years), then took a very small part time job that fitted in school hours. This was very normal 45 years ago. But she did not spend her time lunching, having coffees, meeting friends, doing 'projects', doing courses, doing up the house, or anything that posters above fill the days with, because there was no way she could have afforded any of these things. She spent her time food shopping (going to individual shops for the best deals), cooking everything from scratch (cheaper), cleaning her house, and scrimping and saving whenever possible. She never drove the car anywhere (too expensive), so only ever went where buses could take her - DH remembers her making them get off a stop or two early to keep the fare down. Once a week she visited her mother with DH and his sister, once a week she met up with her 4 sisters at one of their houses. And that was it. No trips, no gym, no Pinterest, no hobbies or crafts (except knitting clothes for her family). So that is the 'image' of a SAHM that I have in my head when people talk about it - not exactly the lifestyles described above by pps, which seem to be firmly underpinned by high earning husbands!

My own mum went back to work FT when my sister was 6 months and I was 2. She has regretted it ever since, and wishes she had spent more time with us both when we were younger.

Me, I'm firmly on the fence on this one. Realistically we need more money coming in to have anything like the lifestyle that we would like. At the same time, my job prospects - despite my highly qualified in my area - are pretty limited where we live just now. Also, I don't know many WOHM who are not permnently stressed, juggling childcare, school runs and work OR feeling guilty at putting their children in care from dawn to dusk, 5 days a week. While I would love the extra money that a job would bring in, I know that the costs to our relatively stress-free family life, and children, would be high. I'm not ambitious - at the same time I don't want to throw away what I / we have for a boring, mundane job. And I think I would struggle with my Scottish Presbyterian work ethic as a SAHM as described on the thread so far - the whole lunch / Cinema / 'projects' / crafts / house decorating / coffee with friends / reading / watching JK seems horribly self -indulgent!

soup you can a good role model and be a SAHP, of course you can. But what you cannot do (no matter how much volunteer work you do, or how much decorating) is model being a professional parent.

For many women that matters to them. It matters to them that their DC see professional mothers on a daily basis. That they see mothers enjoying both family and work.

Now I don't do this myself. I work from home in a creative capacity. And I must admit it is somehting I think about. That neither my DD nor my DS have seen their mother doing a professional job! I'm not going to pretend that doesn't matter just because it might make me feel a little uncomfortable.

but wordfactory your children seeing you working do other things in your life not every parent has a professional career do they ? I am meh about children seeing both parents going out the door in the morning I don't think MY dds see me any less a parent as their friends parents who both work, My eldest dd is planning her career is half way through a degree I don't think me not being a professional parent has affected her decisions

mrsjay I'm not talking about our DC's seeing as less or more of anything. It's not a popularity contest after all.

I'm talking about our DC seeing women in professional positions while enjoying family life too!

You clearly don't care that your DC haven't seen that. Which is fine. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't or shouldn't matter to others. For others that might be a highly important thing to model.

No one person can decide what is the most important thing to model for all DC. They can only decide what is important for them and their DC.

And we all have to accept that we cannot model things we are actively not doing ourselves! No amount of talking about what we used to do or be will cut it!

I was pointing out your children are seeing you working and being professional and saying different strokes for different folks thats all maybe My wording wasn't right but I that is what I meant

course they see a professional parent,when one stays at home usually works,thats how it goes with most of the people i know anyway.I dont really care if my kids never see me as a proffesional,i dont want to be a professional,its not important to me,im a human being im not labelled by the job i do,there is more to life and i hope my kids see that.

and if its important for your children to see that,why does it have to be from you?what about aunts,sisters,grandmas?teachers even?

Personally i dont think that children think"wow look at my mum being a professional,having it all"...

Personally i dont think that children think"wow look at my mum being a professional,having it all"...

I don't either but as I said different strokes and all that .

Nothing wrong with wanting to stay at home. I'm 50 now, and "retired" from a stressful, well pain senior nursing post 5 years ago. I worked for 25 years and frankly, with a disabled child and being a single mum, I have no idea how I did it.

I married a man who works hard, again, in a senior role and who is often away, on business. My ds is now 12 and is in school full time (he wasn't always, before. Due to illness) so technically, I could go back to work but I'd need a job between 9am and 3pm, Mon to Fri, and that's not nursing! I would need all holidays, Bank Holidays, days when school is closed due to inset/snow/the heating breaking down , off. So, I'm limited. We can manage Ok, without my working. We get no state handouts, as at the moment, we are self sufficient. My DH and ds never come home to a cold, untidy house, with breakfast pots in the sink and unmade beds and I don't spend all weekend catching up on ironing and food shopping. I love that. I worked bloody hard in my nursing career and now, I'm very, very lucky to be "just" a housewife.

I'm not bored. Ever.

I don't think DC think wow I have this great SAHM either!

I don't think kids work like that. I don't think role modeling works like that.

And as I said, it's not a popularity contest. We don't role model things because they'll make our DC think more of us, do we?

We role model things because we think they're important for our DC to see them in action.

Now, those that don't think it's important to role model a working woman haven't got it wrong. But they haven't got it right either.

Sorry, well paid senior nursing post! Though it could be a pain, at times.

With the NHS as it is now, I wouldn't return, if they paid me double. It's a bloody mess.