Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

Morethan
My dcs echo those sentiments too.

I have to say my dcs have said that they wouldn't want to go to after school club either and that they like having me at home.

Happy

Yes we're all lazy. Sahms do nothing all day and even less than nothing when their dc go to school.
Lazy, for not woh. I've heard it all now

morethan, please tell your son he is wrong. It really isn't awful for children to wait several hours to see their parents, even after a bad day at school. It's just normal life for them. And presumably your DS would also have to wait through the school day before coming home, and his dad might not be there. Is that awful for him?

I don't see myself as a bad role model for my girls especially we were talking about this today, about how I had to pass exams to go to uni (what exams were) how I got a degree then had a few jobs, then they said but then you had all of us and your job is looking after us, we wouldn't want to go to afterschool or a childminder. I was saying how some mums work, some 5 days a week some 2 or 3 and that once DS is in school I might work again "as long as your here for the holidays"

I suppose at the age they are at they don't see that we don't have foreign holidays, that our cars are old, that we don't have a new kitchen or the latest gadgets, the stuff we sacrifice so that I can be at home. They crave time with us, DD1 was moaning about never spending time with me today.

I guess I have been very lucky as I do feel I've able to have it all, spending time bringing up the children ( enjoyed it immensely) ignoring the housework ( still do ) and now working in a field that adds real value to other peoples' lives.
Smug emoticon I suppose.

I'm currently on my second maternity leave and I personally don't get how you would get a chance to be bored as a SAHM. But then I have never had a boring job in my life (well except when I worked for a crazy boss but then I entertained my mind by just considering how made she and others around her were).

If you live in London and can scrape some money together then the world is your oyster.

As a SAHM with young children - I drag my children to things I want to do - museums etc but then I also do what is good for them.

I always invite people over as well - other mums and their children.

I also do stuff to try help others - neighbours, other mums and all these fantastic people that welcomes my DH and I to this wonderful country.

I have absolutely no family support at all - so sometimes find it hard.
I am also freaking out already about how on earth I would work full time and handle both in school. What do you do if you have no family and you have the standard 5 weeks holidays?

As it was when working full time my DH and I used to have to split our hols to cover nursery breaks, holidays, closures for training etc so I imagine it will only get worse at school.

I also worry that if I work full time again it really won't be great for my health. The whole tube commute then long hours, not seeing my kids as much at all. I found it tough getting up at 5am and getting to bed at 11pm as a working parent and in some ways my hours seem to be the same as a SAHM but I sometimes have control over my day. I can at a whim go to a fantastic exhibition.

I am reading more than I did with working full time too which I love!

PS I totally agree with how awful it is when you meet people who just lose interest if you say you are a SAHM! I think it is incredibly rude but it says more about them.

My mum is a retired SAHM, she is now a lady of leisure.

I think my mum is amazing, she is someone I look up to.

You can still be productive without paid work. People did it for thousands of years working for their families and before today's society developed. Work then meant anything in or outside the home to benefit the family. Some people are too sucked into a narrow world view.

Kitchen.

Never heard of anybody being wrong for how they feel. How does this work then? I feel cold, no you're wrong
Of course its normal life for them, my ds was just saying he's glad it wasn't normal for his life.
I would never have restricted my dc like this. There is no way they could have achieved what they have if they went to after school care. They appreciate this and I am glad they can see that parents do what is best for their dc. I could have worked no doubt but I know it would have meant childcare, I wasn't happy with this and neither were my dc.
Other people are fine with it and its up to them how they parent their dc.

But I disagree that you have to be employed to be a good role model to your children, hence I asked my ds2 what he thought. He is also a Sociology student who has an interest in family dynamics.

My dc know that I had a very professional job before I became a SAHM. They know I went to university and have a BSc. They know I worked hard. Now I am working equally hard bringing them up. When they are grown up, I want them to be able to make the right choices for them. I would be more than happy for them to work or be a SAHM. Both are equally valid and being a SAHM is a perfectly noble career in my opinion. I am not ashamed of me and neither are they.

I work full time, DD goes to nursery full time. I did not really enjoy being at home during maternity leave - I don't like my own company and felt I was terrible in that role as it didn't play to my strengths. I felt boring, bored and totally unfulfilled.

I do wish I could swap my last few months maternity leave for 6 weeks paid leave from work each year until DD is 5 or something though. I think there needs to be more flexibility in "maternity" leave. Being a parent is not just about those first 39 weeks.

To your final point about why you need to justify yourself - so long as I have to justify why I would want to work full time then I think you need to be able to justify why you should stay at home doing essentially nothing (I don't count running your home in this argument as thats something we all do) while your children are at school. And believe me, I have to just

I was ending by saying I have to give my reasons for working full time to someone most days.

McNew Can I say that I genuinely know a SAHM who timed the credit crisis right and so has herself a cook, a cleaner, someone who comes and does her laundry and an au pair/nanny. What's even more amazing is that her DH has lost his job but they have invested so well neither of them are worried in the slightest.

I thought wow this is amazing - I've met someone who will have time to go to museums and outings with me. But she doesn't much time as she has to spend quite a lot of time being an employer iyswim.

But the funny thing is during the phase where we both had new borns I would stay in bed all day if I wanted to (I found it stopped me making a mess of the house) but she had to let the day nanny in at 8am, say goodbye to the night nanny, tell someone what to do with her laundry, instruct her cleaner etc etc. The other thing is that other mums judge her so she does not have too many social contacts, I don't get it really as I find her company great and she has not judged me for not having a cook, cleaner etc etc.

The other thing I don't quite get is this other SAHM I know who is usually good company but she occasionally goes on about how they are not going to get a nice holiday, or a nice car, but that they are giving up such niceties in exchange for prioritising their children. I find it a bit awful when she goes on as many working parents don't have a hope of a nice care or a nice holiday in this climate but I just have to bite my lip and think well we are not all perfect!

I am in the same situation snuffle, re having no family around for miles. My mum is not alive and in laws live hundreds of miles away. We are stuffed on that front. Another reason why I stay at home as we have no one to call on.

morethan, I was responding to your son's statement that it's "awful" for children to have to wait several hours to see their parents after a bad day at school. And he is wrong about that. It isn't awful for them (at least, it isn't for any child I know). He might think it would be awful for him. But that isn't the same thing.

I'm curious about what you think your children couldn't have achieved if they had been in after-school care. And what do you mean that you are glad you haven't "restricted" your DC?

PrincessOfChina what a brilliant idea if only we could use 6 week blocks of leave every year until a child was 5 or so!!!

Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to?

fuck me if I know! screw everyone else, do what makes you and your family happy OP, and it it stops makiing you happy, change things

Princess.

It is not right that you have to justify your choice to work full time, that isn't fair at all. I can quite easily understand your point about playing to strengths. However, to assume that being a sahm is doing nothing whilst dc are at school is so narrow minded. I'm not suggesting I work hard but I support my family and do many things for them or concerning them when they are not here. I don't have to take a call for one of them, but I answer the phone if I'm here. I don't HAVE to do many things I do, I choose to do them. Why should anybody have to justify their choices.

WRT being a good role model, being a SAHM or a WOHM. I agree of course, anyone can be a good role model and that is what all parents strive for.

But I want to model being a professional women/strong work ethic/enjoyment of work/being self reliant...that is what i mean when I talk of being a role model in terms of being a WOHM

The point is, that none of us have to justify anything to anyone for pity's sake! It's nobody's business how and why we choose what we do. When are we just going to shut up about being feckin working mothers or stay at home mothers. Why is there a battle line drawn and we are pitted against each other? I am a SAHM and I certainly am not lazy, I respect women who work but for ffs don't make me feel like I am a useless leech when I choose for my family not to work.

It is really tough ihategeorgeosborne without any family support isn't it? It adds a whole new dimension, I have this quite strange paranoia about never wanting to be sick as what happens if I am sick and say my DH is away for work.

I was really fortunate that my first was never ever sick but I too just can't see how I can do the drop off and pick up for both and work full time - not in London anyhow!

By the way ihategeorgeosborne I love your user name.

Can't stand the conservatives - they really have screwed women this time around whether they are SAHM or WOHM.

I honestly can not wait til the next election!!!!!!!

Kitchen

My dc have come before work obviously thats why I have been sahm. I know this may not be the same for everyone but nature of dh business means he wasn't always here after school, not 100% anyway.
My dc all did/do activities after school for which they need to be taken to. These range from sports coaching sessions and clubs, matches to dance classes, music lessons etc. These are usually between 4pm and 7pm. They would have missed these as some needed significant travel to reach. My ds's are county level sports and my dd is very gifted musically.
I couldn't have restricted their interests for the sake of more money to buy stuff. So we went without stuff in order to put dc first. It has reaped the benefits as they are all doing well in their chosen sport/ career/ talent.

I know snuffle. My dh was working away recently and the dc all had this vomiting bug. Dd1 projectile vomited down the stairs and while I cleaning it up I knew I was going to get it. Anyway, that night, sure enough, I was vomiting. Still had to look after 3 dc and take two to school. God I felt awful. Dh rang me up that night to tell me he was going for an indian with his work colleagues. I felt so pissed off and wretched that I just hung up on him