Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

I've worked as a mother and stayed at home. They both have pros and cons IMO. I definitely feel less stressed as a SAHM. I used to panic when meetings over ran that I'd be late for nursery. I used to dread phoning work to say that dc were ill. I did appreciate my days at home more though. As a SAHM I don't have the work related stress, but I do sometimes wonder where my life will take me next as I won't be doing this forever. In some ways it's exciting though as it gives me the opportunity to think about what I really want to do and hopefully do something I enjoy. I couldn't go back to driving up to London on a Sunday night and living out of a suitcase all week. I hated that even before I had dc.

bemused when berated on mn as wageslave.yet most housewives are maintained by dp wage
and I fully expect someone to retort what about the independently solvent housewife
v few women have enough saving,to maintain adulthood without dependence on dp

Can I ask anyone who feels that about tbeir deathbed are yiu not feeljng guilty about dh/p

I couldn't really go back to what I did before morethan as it was a consultancy role with lots of travel. I keep going round and round in my head what I could do. One day it will come to me!

My house is messier than it was when I worked. As I can always put it off until tomorrow

I am an independently solvent housewife. All savings are in my name!

Stealth

My apologies, I thought the deathbed post came from you originally. I too object to this as it is pointless.

I know sahms who are very houseproud, run after dc and dh. I know others who rarely have time for their dc as they see them so much and live in a tip.
I know wohms who live in a tip, have no time for dc and dh.
I know wohms who spend all the time they can with dc and dh

I know people with a mix of all the variables above. We are all individuals whether wohm or sahm

Yes can see why when I reread it people were assuming I meant sahm = clean bathroom. Unfortunate brain dump of my thoughts!

Scottish

I think most parents with both working depend on the others salary as from what i hear on here they share bills, childcare, etc. You would have to be very rich or like my family not money driven to manage this.

I wish i was a sahm with a cleaner and a nanny.

McNew

What would you like to do with your time if you were sahm with nanny and cleaner?
You could do what you wanted to.

I have been a SAHM since my eldest, now 7 was born. That wasn't the idea but how it worked out. Miss being at work and do find it feels sometimes like being a bit of a drudge. I find it hard to fit everything in thougso find it strange when people wonder what SAHMs do all day. We are lucky enough to have a large-ish house and garden so housework takes time, along with washing, ironing, mowing the lawn, gardening, planting seeds and keeping a large-ish veg patch. I help at the school a few times a week, and go swimming once a week. Generally I don't get time to eat lunch other than a quick bite about 10 mins before leaving for pick up at the school. I don't spend all my time having coffee or "shopping" - other than grocery shopping or other stuff for the family. I have cut my own fringe a few times since going to the hairdressers as do not have time. I do a fair bit of cooking - stick stuff in freezer etc, cook an evening meal for myself and DH so that most of it is done by the time I pick the children up - I try to reserve time after pick-up from school for doing stuff with the kids - helping with homework, reading or helping them with stuff they find hard at school. Also take them to a few after school clubs - 3 times a week. Also help a few mums who work by picking up their children, or looking after them in the morning and taking them to school which I am perfectly happy to do. They in turn help me when they can.
Am always depresssed by the tension that sometimes exists between SAHms and working mums - I think it's great for kids to have a role model of a working mum, equally, I am lucky to have the choice to stay at home and consider it to be a valid choice which also benefits my children. There's not a right and wrong here. I get cross when a working mum says to me "Oh, but you have so much more time than I do". Equally, working mums must get fed up with being cast falsely as not being "full-time" mums and palming their kids off on other people. We are all just trying to get by as best we can.

When I was a sahm I set a role model for my children by being actively involved as a volunteer for local charities, so I rather take exception to Scottishmummy's assertion that only wage earners can be a role model

I returned to work when my DD was 4 months, was made redundant when she was 3.5 and took 18 months out to be at home with her before returning to work 3 months after she started primary school.

Her school is 10 minutes walk from our home, my work is halfway between the two. I work (more or less) school hours, term time only and DH also works tto. We have a full compliment of grandparents who are willing and able to pick up the slack if something unforseen happens e.g. DD is ill, INSET days etc. In short we couldn't be in a more fortunate position as working parents, however...

... if we could maintain our current lifestyle (which is pleasant but not luxurious by any means) without me working, I would give my notice in a heartbeat.

DD's primary is quite demanding of parental input, there is never quite enough time to spend on keeping the house straight, never quite enough time/energy/patience for each other, it's constant plate spinning and wondering when the wheels might fall off. How people with less flexible jobs and multiple children do it I will never know.

Why put yourself through that if you don't have to?

Agree nellie we all try and do what is right for our families at the time and circumstances for any of us can change at the drop of a hat

That's the plan :) I am jealous of SAHM.

If I was one the last thing I would want to do is be bogged down with housework.

yes Cathy,you demonstrated the role model mum housewife and volunteer,dad employed
essentially the traditional dad works, mum housewife and voluntary stuff
still an enactment trad role and you didn't work

Waves at ihategeorgeosbourne are you sure you aren't me?

Anyway I've been a SAHM for almost 9 years since DD1 was born, why? Well my job involved a lot of overseas and UK travel and I didn't want to be away from my baby for a week at a time, also the usual 13 hour days, extortiate travelling and childcare costs meant I wouldn't be working for much. Plus at that time DP had just changed jobs and was starting style foot of the ladder so to speak.

We moved to the other end of the country larger but cheaper house and I became a SAHM, had three other DC as well. Career dead in the water though.

I have two in school, two at home just now but come August I will have three at school one in nursery 2 days a week. I'm going to try and do some volunteering. I want to retrain as a teacher but punt know if I can with 4DC, a DP who works long hours and is away at short notice and no family support whatsoever

Being a SAHM is great I don't think I want to work ft just yet but I feel I need to start doing one thing for me now.

Sorry, but when I hear SAHMs of school age children go on about 'managing' to fill their time with shopping/lunching/pottering/'projects' (ie mostly non-child related things) and relieved not to be working as 'they didn't like it when they had to do it'... I just think... lazy

Sorry, but that's just an honest statement. Lots of us would like not to work (although I think most of us would be bored long-term) but human beings should be productive.

And when I hear 'oh my husband is happy as long as I am/with me pottering about' I just think really ? I doubt they all are tbh. I wouldn't be if I was working and my partner was a SAHD if the kids were out of the house all day.. And if they are, is it for the right reasons?

As I said, sorry if that offends anyone, I'm just trying to give an honest response to the OP.

The thing is McNew, as a SAHM I do less housework than when I went to work. As a SAHM, I'm bored of housework as I see it everyday, all day and know that I must do it. Whereas when I worked, I would quite enjoy doing housework as a change. Also, when I worked, jobs like cleaning the oven or cleaning out cupboards never happened, as I never thought about it. Now I'm at home, I feel that I have to do it as it is my job. I hate cleaning ovens and cupboards and the fridge and then feel guilty when another week passes and I still haven't done it. It's also a nightmare doing housework with a 2 year old boy following me around everywhere. I spend hours doing nothing really some days. I'm always amazed when it gets to 3 o clock and the house is still a tip.

What an incedibly pompous statement.
I demonstrated that I could make choices that suited me and that I could lead a rich andfulfilling life.
I was a sahm for 18 years and now work fulltime in a job that I also find fulfilling but I would never have traded those 18 years to justify your narrow definition of 'an enactment role'

Nellie, doesn't it get to you though? I could probably fill my time cleaning 3 bathrooms, doing a big garden, ironing for 5, but why should I? I could pay someone to do it out of what ds earns, but that seems a bit shallow. I could sit it the spa where I have gym membership all day but it does get a bit boring after a while.

I think I've got it just about right at last. Couple of theatre/art trips to London a month (with or without kids), coffee/lunch if I choose once a week with friends if they are also free, job I'm good at and enjoy, children who appreciate that having fun costs money, having fun spending well deserved money (save most but save ourselves a bit of fun money - I do appreciate we're in a lucky position).

Scottish

I asked my ds2 just now about your role model claims. He gave some choice comments, however he said.
To him his parents were good role models because we encouraged him, supported and nurtured his talents. You can do this working or not

He said he was glad one of us was there at home time, how awful it was for his peers if they had had an awful school day and had to wait several hours before they saw their parents. He went on to say how he had had a happy childhood. That will do for me Scottish

I think if I were a SAHM (unlikely ever to happen, and not something I would choose), I would still want to accomplish something with my time, if all the children were in school. I wouldn't want a life of lunch with friends, decorating, playing tennis. I can do all those things anyway with a full-time job! So in my case, I think I'd probably continue writing, doing translations, possibly tutoring or setting up a small business.

Waves at sweetkitty. Our lives sound very similar. It's reassuring to know I am now alone.

how awful it was for his peers if they had had an awful school day and had to wait several hours before they saw their parents

now should read not