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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still struggle with trust 7mths after DH's emotional affair

102 replies

printmeanicephoto · 09/05/2013 12:45

7mths ago I found out about DH's emotional affair (+ kissing). He ended affair which had been going on for 1 mth and said he wanted our marriage to work. We have been married nearly 20 years and have 2 kids in primary school.

I have a sneaky suspicion he's just staying with me for the kids and out of duty. We are also christians and are v. involved in our church. We have been taught from birth by christian parents that divorce is only really an option in exceptional circumstances. It would also send big ripples through our church family (although I know people would try to help and support us).

Am still struggling to trust although I know affair is over. Still feel heartbroken and a few times a week I still have a cry. Should I be over it by now?

OP posts:
Sparklymommy · 09/05/2013 12:53

Poor you Flowers

I do not think you are bu. I totally think you need to sit down with your hubby and explain how you feel now. Tell him you are still finding it very difficult to come to terms with what's happened. Ask him outright why he chose to stay if you feel your suspicions are valid.

Inertia · 09/05/2013 12:54

If you do get over this, it'll be in your own time- not when your church, or your husband, or a bunch of well -meaning internet people decides. It's entirely natural that you are struggling to trust your husband - after all, he broke your trust and deceived you. He is probably the person you trusted most in the world, and yet he was quite happy to put his desires ahead of your family.

To be honest, I'd say that one party having an affair is a pretty exceptional circumstance, but obviously you have chosen to weigh up your church's teachings against your husband's betrayal and decided to stay in the marriage, which is obviously your choice.

Did your church provide any support for your marriage after the affair? Or did your husband insist that you keep it quiet?

BLOO3Z · 09/05/2013 12:57

Agree with sparkly about talking to him about it. 7 months after is nothing btw so yes you are bound to still be feeling upset. Is he being transparent about everything he does ie phone internet etc as its impossible to rebuild that trust if he is not helping you to feel secure.
More wise mners will be along soon...

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 09/05/2013 12:59

No I kept it quiet from church. I'm sure they would have been great but I felt hurt and embarrassed that DH could have done this to our family. Have only told a very selected few friends and family in RL.

OP posts:
Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 09/05/2013 13:02

Yes he's being transparent. But my world has been turned upside down and I just don't feel secure anymore.

OP posts:
scaevola · 09/05/2013 13:03

Did you discover it, or did he confess and repent?

It sounds from your post that you would rather restore your marriage than end it. But the pain of infidelity is often greater from the lying and betrayal rather than the actual sexual contact. So I think you should be seeing this as an affair, and really looking to see if you can ever trust your DH again. Even he Bible allows for divorce in cases of adultery - and it does not specify PIV as the marker that adultery has taken place.

But, oddly, accepting the magnitude of what has happened is likely to help you deal with it. Does your DH also realise how great a transgression this is from your pov? What is he doing to promote healing?

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 09/05/2013 13:05

What's PIV? Sex?

OP posts:
scaevola · 09/05/2013 13:09

Yes (penis in vagina)

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 09/05/2013 13:13

Yes he's truly sorry. But is still missing her so has started seeing a therapist because he was obviously still quietly pining and needed to vent. He knew I wasn't the right person to offload to about this!!

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Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 09/05/2013 13:21

V hard to know he's still pining for someone else. Don't know whether my fragile heart can take it TBH.

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NKffffffffabeee2d7X127640abcce · 09/05/2013 13:29

I'm really sorry Printme, that's a very hard situation to be dealing with, especially with young children to care for. I agree that YANBU, 7 months is no time at all to deal with a betrayal of a 20 year relationship.

I think that coming to terms with a partner's infidelity, whether the relationship survives or not, is a bit like the grieving process. You have to go through the stages of numbness, anger, grief and acceptance (not necessarily in that order and with lots of moving around the stages) before you can move on.

It does sound like your DH is still being quite selfish though - he's told you he misses the other woman?? I agree with Sparkly, talking is key. He needs to understand the effect on you, and maybe focus on his family rather than himself.

youmeatsix · 09/05/2013 13:32

you need to find out if he is "just staying with me for the kids and out of duty", nor can you live life making decisions based on "It would also send big ripples through our church family " The fact he is struggling giving her up, and you are struggling with trust shows you both have a huge amount to talk about, honestly. It may feel you have taken a big step backwards for a while, but it also may be the only way to proceed onwards and stand any chance of resolving all these issues

LadyPeterWimsey · 09/05/2013 13:33

Dpending on your relationships within your church, I think you should tell somebody at church - ideally someone wise, whom you trust and who has the time and energy to support you as you work out where to go from here.

If you were at our church, I'd be concerned that you hadn't told anyone. Don't be embarassed. I know that everyone else's marriages often look perfect but that is NOT the case. I think secrecy here helps your husband minimise what he did, and removes a valuable level of support from you.

If you both want to try to repair the marriage, then you need people to vent to, and he needs people to be accountable to, who can kick him up the backside if he is being self-pitying, and remind him how he has betrayed you, and how hard he is going to have to work to win back your trust. He needs someone to ask some hard questions of him, about exactly what happened and how he let himself get there. Pining for someone else is a self indulgence he is going to have to forgo if your marriage has any hope of surviving.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have seen this before and I know how utterly traumatic it is for the person betrayed. Whatever you do, don't try to smooth it over or you will end up on the edge, wondering if you are going mad, when it wasn't you who had the affair.

Inertia · 09/05/2013 13:35

You shouldn't have to deal with this alone either. If people in your church are your support group, then please open up to somebody you trust. The embarrassed and shame should all be your husband's. Are your family and friends able to offer support, or at least a non-judgemental listening ear?

Even if you don't believe in or want a divorce, you are under no obligation to pretend to the world at large that the marriage is a bed of roses. You can ask your husband to leave for as long as it takes for you to be ready to live with him again. He can mope around like a lovesick teenager in a bedsit for a weeks - might make him realise what he stands to lose. If he wants the marriage to work , and is genuinely sorry rather than paying lip service, then he should be doing everything in his power to repair the relationship with you.

valiumredhead · 09/05/2013 13:35

Personally I don't think I could ever 'get over' a betrayal like an affair or an EA. I feel for you x

Inertia · 09/05/2013 13:36

embarrassment

MrsSpagBol · 09/05/2013 13:39

Totally agree with LadyPeter, esp:

"If you were at our church, I'd be concerned that you hadn't told anyone. Don't be embarassed. I know that everyone else's marriages often look perfect but that is NOT the case. I think secrecy here helps your husband minimise what he did, and removes a valuable level of support from you.

If you both want to try to repair the marriage, then you need people to vent to, and he needs people to be accountable to, who can kick him up the backside if he is being self-pitying, and remind him how he has betrayed you, and how hard he is going to have to work to win back your trust. He needs someone to ask some hard questions of him, about exactly what happened and how he let himself get there. Pining for someone else is a self indulgence he is going to have to forgo if your marriage has any hope of surviving."

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 09/05/2013 13:47

The marriage hasn't been great throughout really - although we have had some good times. We are sooo different - and not in a way that always complements the other. We have been in counselling for a few years - even before the EA.

He is sorry but not sorry enough for my liking.

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Mindyourownbusiness · 09/05/2013 13:53

TBH l couldn't ever get past him admitting 'he is still missing her' bit personally and needing to have therapy for that.
The poor love Hmm.
There is a fine line between absolute honesty and cruelty.

He is still being emotionally unfaithful l'm afraid and has still not come back to you and after this amount of time you need to ask yourself and him if he ever will.

Very sorry you're going through this, anyone who thinks an affair without the dirty deed is not really hurting anyone should read this thread.

Loulybelle · 09/05/2013 14:05

My ex had an EA, and it became painfully obvious, despite has protests that he wanted me, he couldnt give her up, and eventually left me for her.

You wont be able to get past this until he willingly gives her up, and if hes still pinning for her then hes not willing.

Have you sought counselling for yourself?

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 09/05/2013 14:13

Yes I kind of do feel second best to her. Thing is I don't think she'd have him even if he he wanted to be with her. Not really sure where this leaves us as a couple.

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thebody · 09/05/2013 14:32

Hi op,

So sorry this is so hard for you.

My advice would be to stop thinking about how your dh feels but concentrate on how YOU feel.

You say your marriage has never been great. Neither of you appear to be happy. Is it worth saving? Really really do you want of foresee being married to this man for the rest of your life?

Has this EA actually provided you with a catalyst to reassess your needs and your wants?

Don't stay if its just for the kids or to save face with the church.

Can this man give you what YOU want.???

Be honest to yourself.

Mindyourownbusiness · 09/05/2013 14:39

I agree with thebody there is absolutely nothing wrong with putting yourself first now and again. Especially when others around you aren't.

AThingInYourLife · 09/05/2013 14:44

The affair is not over if he's still pining for her and having counselling to talk about how much he loves/misses her.

You deserve better than this.

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 09/05/2013 18:56

Hadn't thought about it like that - that he's still having an emotional affair if he's still pining but no longer has contact with her.

I think what I'd like is some attempt at a sorry gesture - to make me really believe he means it. Like a written note, a gift, a break away just the two of us, renewal of wedding vows or the engagement ring he never bought me 20 years ago. Or something.

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