To still struggle with trust 7mths after DH's emotional affair

[printmeanicephoto]

7mths ago I found out about DH's emotional affair (+ kissing). He ended affair which had been going on for 1 mth and said he wanted our marriage to work. We have been married nearly 20 years and have 2 kids in primary school.

I have a sneaky suspicion he's just staying with me for the kids and out of duty. We are also christians and are v. involved in our church. We have been taught from birth by christian parents that divorce is only really an option in exceptional circumstances. It would also send big ripples through our church family (although I know people would try to help and support us).

Am still struggling to trust although I know affair is over. Still feel heartbroken and a few times a week I still have a cry. Should I be over it by now?

[sendingtheclowns]

It's very difficult to control your feelings for someone - has no-one here struggled to get over an ex?

And you're right, it might not be the kindest way to explain things, but it may well be the truth

[AnyFucker]

I assume family money is being spent on allowing this wanger to bleat to a therapist about how he is "pining after his crush" (who very sensibly sounds like she wouldn't piss on him if he was burning)

[Goodadvice1980]

OP, this sounds like an awful way to live.

I would be willing to bet any sum of money that he is still in contact with the OW, especially as he is actively "pining" for her.

What a sad excuse for a husband.

You deserve better - never be anyone's second choice in this life.

[sendingtheclowns]

I'm not denying that he hurt her, she can end it if she likes ...

But hasn't he ultimately done the right thing before it became a full blown affair? - as far as we know, he ended it with the OW, he's in couple's therapy and is trying to work on his marriage. Yes, it will be tough, yes, he still thinks about OW, but he has chosen to stay married to OP

[AnyFucker]

you say she can "end it is she likes" and then come out with apologist, man-pleasing crap

make your mind up, clown

[AnyFucker]

if

[missingmevino]

OP

Talk to God, take all your hurts and worries to Him..........and He WILL answer you.

If saving your marriage is what you decide to do these websites are brilliant.

Www.rejoiceministries.org

Www.standingformarriage.blogspot

And for what it's worth I do believe it's possible for any of us to get too close to someone we shouldn't and it does take time for irrational crushes or EA to be worked through. Never forget - ALL things are possible with God and he can change you both to be the husband/wife He intended you to be, and He can heal and restore marriages.

Good luck, I wish you all the best

Xx

[sendingtheclowns]

AF, the advice I'm writing is completely gender neutral - there's a thread in relationships about a woman who is tempted to have an affair - she's already in an EA - what is the advice to her?

End it with the OM before it becomes a full blown affair, go back to your husband, go for counselling - why is this different?

[AnyFucker]

oh dear, I take it all back, clowns

someone with even worse advice than you has rocked up

[AnyFucker]

clowns, that is not the advice I would give on that thread you are talking about

[sendingtheclowns]

What would the advice be, should the husband have ended the marriage as soon as he began to develop feelings for someone else?

[sendingtheclowns]

Yes, in a way

[AnyFucker]

if I had to be thankful that my H "chose" me over an OW then told me he was "pining" for her, he would be out the door so fast his feet wouldn't touch the ground

this is the mistake Op has made

she has clung onto her marriage and engineered it so there are no consequences for her cheating husband

in actual fact, he is enabled in the luxury of "missing" the OW and not even bothering to lie about it

after all the lies he has already told...he could have told just one more

but no, it is waaaaay more important that his shitty feelings remain centre stage and fuck those of his downtrodden wife

[sendingtheclowns]

So, the OP should throw her husband out then - she has the choice, I'm just presenting another side to the story which I think does reflect human nature - people do fall for other people when they shouldn't - there's no suggestion that the husband's a serial philanderer - I don't suppose he wanted this to happen - he got too close to someone he shouldn't have - he ended it - he told his wife the truth.

Everlong, from what we know, he did

[sendingtheclowns]

The OP has suggested that saving her marriage is important to her - I'm just presenting an opposite view to LTB

[AnyFucker]

yes, she should throw him out if she ever wants him to truly acknowledge the consequences of what he has done

loss will sharpen his focus, that is for sure

enabling his wallowing will only hurt her more

[sendingtheclowns]

Because I don't necessarily believe that the husband is shitty - and just because for you, it means the end of the marriage, it doesn't mean everyone agrees with you.

[Doha]

Clowns--you advice is a pile of dog shite.

Are you the OP DH???

[sendingtheclowns]

Thanks

I've made my point to the OP, and I hope it presented an alternative point of view - there's no point for me to keep at it. I hope she comes to a resolution