to not want MIL to babysit DS yet?

[Kafri]

DS is 20 weeks old and MIL has offered to babysit a couple of times. the thing is, i'm not comfortable leaving him with her as she has barely spent any time with him since he was born.
She has changed his nappy once - when I kinda pushed her to do it - and was so jittery with it saying 'oh which way do i put ds on the mat' and 'what do i do with the wet nappy' and 'which way does the new nappy go'?

Now I know she is only going to learn by doing it but i'd rather she did it with us about rather than just got left with him.

DS cries each time she does hold him as he doesn't know her and she doesn't know what entertains him.

This isn't me saying I won't leave him with anyone - there are several people who I am happy to leave him with but these people have all spent plenty of time with him and ds knows them.

I take him to church on a sunday morning which lasts just over an hour and quite honestly, some of the old ladies in the congregation who pop over to say hi to him have spent more time with him than MIL.

She invites us round for eals but it is only ever in an evening and she knows I like to keep ds in his routine and in bed on time as he will not sleep anywhere other than his cot and he just ends up a frazzled mess but then i'll get another invite - 'would you like to come for supper'?

I have tried giving her a call in the daytime and said 'we're at a loose end if you're about at home, we could pop up and see you'? But their social calendar is always full so never have time

Guess i'm just wondering if i'm being U and PFB in not handing him over and walking away.....?

So did you turn her down when she offered to have him when you went to the dentist?

I think I understand Kafri . You want your MIL to accept one of your many invitations to come around during the day to spend time with the baby as you want them to have a relationship. You don't want her to offer to watch the baby out of faux politeness so she can show off to her friends/neighbours etc that she is such a good grandma/MIL?

I told you, i'm not explaining very well, lol

I want to feel comfortable leaving him with her but in order to do that I want her to spend some time with him, getting to know him a bit. Well, even if it turned out she didn't want to babysit for us at any point, i'd still like her to spend some time with him.

We worked soooo hard to have him and waited a long time (he was IVF in the end) and it would be nice if she gave off the impression that she wanted to BE a grandma rather than just having the name.

I used to love going to see my grandparents and I know my DH had a good relationship with his (although I don't know how much contact there was while he and his sister were tiny)

My mother passing away has obviously not helped matters and it has made me see just how much MIL is missing out on him. My mum was thrilled to have finally got the opportunity to be a grandma and it has been snatched away from her while MIL seems happy to just see DS at family/special occasions... I wasn't lying when I said I could still count on my fingers how many times she has seen him since he was born and that includes a week in hospital over christmas.

I didn't get the opportunity to allow her to babysit while I had the dentist appointment as she called back to say that she had checked the diary and wasn't available after all.

She invites us round for an evening meal which yes i'm sure wouldn't kill me to break his routine once in a while and go but I really don't like to as he becomes a frazzled/screaming mess once he gets tired and to this day WILL NOT sleep anywhere but on his tummy in a dark room with a white noise in the background. If it were that he would fall asleep and then I could just transfer him to his car seat and the cot, I would be more willing but he will not sleep then gets more and more worked up and then a nightmare to get down once we do get home. It's not just her invitations I decline - I have declined them from my siblings too so i'm not picking favourites.

I realise that they have a busy life, they are both retired but have time consuming hobbies but I really can't see why it is such a chore to spend time with a GC. It has always been that if DH and I have wanted to see them, we have had to book into the diary as it were but I thought it might have been slightly different once GC arrived.

Sorry, that was long...

She probably called you back over the dental appointment because she picked up that you weren't keen for her to do it. MILs do have feelings too.

I think I will everlong.

Honestly, i'm not some crazy new mum who won't let anyone touch their baby, i'm really not!

I defo want ds and his gm to have a relationship but I do think she could be doing more to encourage said relationship. I guess I want her to want the kind of relationship as my mum wanted to have with him...

My latest invitation is to a meal out with them, with ds, to a restaurant just under an hour away - table booked for 8pm. Again, I politely said that I would be unable to take DS (there's a strong possibility we'd be banned from the restaurant with his tired screams) and I couldn't guarantee to be able to have a babysitter so if she needed an answer quickly then i'd have to decline but DH could go with pleasure.

Maybe she will come into her own when DS is older..??

Well given that it was in telephone convo with DH (and I wasn't even there), I can't have given her the impression I didn't want her to.

DH mentioned to mum that I had dental appointment, Mum said did we need her to have DS while I went for it. An hour later, I got a phone call to say that she had tried to call DH but couldn't het through (he was at work) but she was just letting us know that she had checked her diary and wasn't available to sit with him for us. This was the first I knew about her sitting with him in the first place...

Honestly - we do get on really well, always have.
She was/is very supportive of us and what we do which is what has surprised me so much with DS.

There have only been 3 uspets as far as I can recall and DH and I have been together over 10 years now so we really do have a good relationship.

We're very different, and originally I don't think I was exactly what she was hoping for for her son 'we sent him (DH) to private school so he wouldn't end up hanging around with the kind of girl who goes to the comprehensives, i've taught in them and know what they're like' was one convesation. Well i'm quite proud of my achievements, even if I am only a local comp girl but thats by the by.

Oh dear. It must be very sad for you to know that your mum would have wanted to pop round all of the time and be a doting grandma, while your MIL seems to only want to see your baby when she can fit him into her social calendar. I think that all you can do is keep inviting her to come around but try let go of your feeling of how she should be behaving, if that makes sense?

Thanks everlong I'll book into the diary

I really do want to sort it so she can have a proper relationship and so I can feel comfortable leaving him with her. I know it's a long time since she's had a 'baby' and I know it can be daunting as the MIL.

Kafri - sounds like I have a similar situation with my MIL. My DCs are 3 and 11 months and she has babysat less than a handful of times, mostly when DH and I have gone out for dinner and the children are asleep. She lives 20 minutes away.

My issue is that she doesn't want to spend time with them and sees babysitting as her doing us a favour, not spending time with her GC. She never wanted to see them specifically and when we see her even now she barely talks to them or plays with them. She has 8 GC and brags about this to all of her friends but she doesn't seem to enjoy them at all. She is very busy socially and I think she sees that she did her 'time' when she had her own children and doesn't want to do the hard stuff again. She is not at all maternal and my DH has a few issues following his upbringing.

I wouldn't trust her with them as she drinks too much - she recently tried to take DS1 to the toilet and ended up putting his training seat on the wrong way, he fell off and ended up with wee everywhere. She had had a bottle of wine at this point but thankfully I was there.

It was tough for me as my parents live a long way away and I could never rely on my PIL for help bringing up two children with no family. But like you, I just didn't want to ask her for it as I wanted her to want to spend time with them.

I have older nieces and nephews and she is better with them. They go to hers for sleepovers and she doesn't have to bath them/dress them/deal with crying etc and she can tuck into her wine.

Rant over.

BookFairy I think that's what's brought it to a head for me.

My mum used to get the bus from work down to mine and then get 2 buses to get home again (at that point she wouldn't let me drive her home as DS went into meltdown in the car i did tell you he could be a screaming mess) just so she could come to see him. MIL won't get into the car and drive the 5 mins to spend some time with him. It just frustrates me.

I'm going to have a chat with her. She even drove down her street to the post box to post a Bday card for DH rather than call in with it. But is more than happy to have us round to theirs as long as it's in the evenings.

As someone who has no family closeby I'd appreciate the offer. Ok, she's not used to him so why don't you start small. Get her to look after him for an hour whilst you have your hair done or so you can pop to the shop. My MIL prides herself on being a great mum when DH and DSiL were little but when I had my son she appeared nervous at times, especially if DS cried when she was cuddling him. In reality she is great with him. At the age of 5 months he can cope without you for a few hours. If he cries he cries, if his nappy isn't done properly its not the end of the world. Your partner survived his childhood so I'm sure MiL can't have done too bad a job. X

YANBU - the late evening invites only work for very portable babies and tots who will sleep anywhere. I remember my mother ridiculing me for not wanting to do evening meals out, because apparently my neice "just falls asleep in her chair quietly when she is tired" - mine get manic and loud, or whingy and wild, when over tired, though they are really quite civilized in restaurants at lunch time.

The grandmother wanting to be SEEN to being "Grandmotherly" and to parade her grandchildren at social events and have a bare minimum CV of true example of "helping out" to richly embroider trot out endlessly to illustrate how indispensable she is also rings a bell. Actual visits are spent mainly reading The Times on her Kindle...

YANBU - if she wants to spend more time with her grandson she will find a window in her schedule that isn't after 8pm ...

BoysRule - I think I just assumed she would want to spend time with DS and it's disappointing that she doesn't. Hopefully talking to her will have an effect on things and if not, waiting for him to get older and a little more independent and able to give something back.

She does amuse me though - before he was born she said to me that 'wouldn't it be nice if DC could go to that pretty school down the road from you'? My puzzled response of 'well, if DC turns out to be a DS and requires a school like that, then i'm sure it will be a lovely school to go to' was met with much confusion - it's a (very nice) independent school for boys with EBD. She thought it was a nice little exclusive private school. Bless her.
I did then go on to remind her that my salary would nowhere near cover the cost of private education.

MrTumble It's nice to know i'm not the only one out there with a non-portable baby. He seems to be improving slightly as he gets older and i'm hopeful this will continue but bloody hell, he's been hard work.
He has reflux so his car seat has always been a big no no for him - completely the wrong angle for him to be sitting/lying. The first 9/10 weeks of his life, he cried constantly. I never knew a baby was able to cry as much as he did

Now he is just a whiny little sod, much as I love him but boy is it hard work keeping him on the right side of happy.

Only read a bit of the thread but the comment saying you'll take any offers to babysit with number 2 is rubbish. I have 3dc and still don't feel comfortable leaving them with many people. Dd1 had far more babysitters as I guess now I worry 3dc is too many for someone not used to it.
Only leave your child if you feel confident dc will be happy and you will be able to trust them

Princess with you on that too - I was advised to take any offers of help around the time of the birth of my 2nd, and took the advice, stupidly - when I had my 3rd I knew better and kept everyone away, much better, and much easier to cope alone with 3 young children after a c-section than with house guests who have their own agenda and idea of what it means to "help" (with inverted commas heavily emphasised).

The only people I leave my 3 kids with are my in-laws, ironically - because they adore the kids and can cope with all 3 for all MIL and I have run ins when she takes it upon herself to inspect my house and give me long "helpful" lectures on how I could improve my housework standards not my own parents, not anyone else yet, though once the youngest goes to bed easily and stays there, and speaks the local language better, we may use paid babysitters... maybe :)

Yanbu. There's no set time for wanting to leave your baby. I never left mine (other than with dh of course) until she started transitioning to a childminder two days a week at age one. I wouldn't dream of leaving her with mil. I don't care if people think I'm pfb.

YANBU. Don't leave your baby until you are comfortable with it.

The only person I am happy to leave DD with (outside nursery) is my mother, because she has spent a lot of time with DD and they know each other. If your MIL wants to babysit (which is great!) why can't she come round and hang out with DS to get to know his routine, how he goes to sleep, what toys he likes? After a few sessions you can leave them for increasing periods of time.

Nothing wrong with refusing evening invitations to MIL's house. We never go out in the evening with DD any more. Small children need an early bed - just like they need milk or food. It's unfair to deprive them of that. Plus an overtired screaming baby will ruin your evening anyway. Again, if she wants to see you in the evening she can come to you.

thats all Im wanting - mil to spend some quality time with ds getting to know him and his routines, putting him to bed/nap, making his feeds up, making his meds up and giving them without him spitting it all out. his meds are important if he's going to sleep at all...
He's a bloody nightmare of a baby and I certainly wouldn't want to be left to entertain him if i didn't know him. its constant effort to keep him anywhere near happy - always wanting to move onto the nect thing and gets bored easily.
I absolutely adore him but even I admit he's not the easiest baby.

I go to a baby group and yhe lady who hosts it puts her baby (sane age) down on the blanket while she goes off to make brews, let mums in etc. well, ds doesn't even let me pee in peace without letting me know he's bored of waiting...