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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want MIL to babysit DS yet?

101 replies

Kafri · 09/05/2013 10:30

DS is 20 weeks old and MIL has offered to babysit a couple of times. the thing is, i'm not comfortable leaving him with her as she has barely spent any time with him since he was born.
She has changed his nappy once - when I kinda pushed her to do it - and was so jittery with it saying 'oh which way do i put ds on the mat' and 'what do i do with the wet nappy' and 'which way does the new nappy go'?

Now I know she is only going to learn by doing it but i'd rather she did it with us about rather than just got left with him.

DS cries each time she does hold him as he doesn't know her and she doesn't know what entertains him.

This isn't me saying I won't leave him with anyone - there are several people who I am happy to leave him with but these people have all spent plenty of time with him and ds knows them.

I take him to church on a sunday morning which lasts just over an hour and quite honestly, some of the old ladies in the congregation who pop over to say hi to him have spent more time with him than MIL.

She invites us round for eals but it is only ever in an evening and she knows I like to keep ds in his routine and in bed on time as he will not sleep anywhere other than his cot and he just ends up a frazzled mess but then i'll get another invite - 'would you like to come for supper'?

I have tried giving her a call in the daytime and said 'we're at a loose end if you're about at home, we could pop up and see you'? But their social calendar is always full so never have time

Guess i'm just wondering if i'm being U and PFB in not handing him over and walking away.....?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 09/05/2013 14:38

Babysitting should be for your benefit not the sitter's benefit. If she offers I'd just say "thanks but I'd rather see you change a few more nappies and handle him more before leaving him. Also when invited for supper say "no evenings don't suit us because of the babie's bedtime. You're welcome to come round here for dinner one evening or we could meet up for lunch"
If she was really being helpful she'd babysit foe him at your house so he's in his own bed. I find the grandparents who are desperate to have the baby in their own house without the parents a bit odd if they aren't keen to see the baby with the parents.

Clawdy · 09/05/2013 14:40

You are very lucky to have a family member wanting to babysit. Some of us brought kids up with no family help at all.

FasterStronger · 09/05/2013 14:43

OP does your DM babysit?

everlong · 09/05/2013 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 09/05/2013 14:49

She's only lucky if she wants a babysitter. I didn't have local family and had to find and pay for sitters but would rather have had that than forever fending off relatives trying to take the baby off me as though he's some sort of toy they want to play with.
The OP isn't asking much, just that the inlaws spend a few hours looking after him in the daytime with her nearby to check everyone is happy and knows what they are doing before having him for a prolonged period overnight.
If my DIL asked that of me and of me to run through changing a nappy/ preparing a bottle etc with her (as it would have been a while since I did that before) then I'd regard that as reasonable behaviour and a sign of a caring mum, not her giving me hoops to jump through. I should be looking after the baby to help the parents not to help myself.

Tryharder · 09/05/2013 14:52

Not sure if YABU or YANBU here but you talk about MIL like she has never held a baby before. She has had 2 DCs going on what you have written so she's actually more experienced with babies than you. The nappy thing is probably generational as on those days they used Terry's not disposables.

Why not let her babysit during the day for a few hours? Your baby is more likely to cry if he can see you whereas if you leave her to it, he will no doubt settle.

I also don't think it will hurt your baby to experience a change to his routine.

VinegarTits · 09/05/2013 14:53

how sad that you see relatives that way

everlong · 09/05/2013 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FasterStronger · 09/05/2013 14:57

I wonder if this thread is another OP's mother = good, MIL = bad.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 09/05/2013 15:01

I often think that you can tell whether an opinion on AIBU is worth considering, by the maturity with which it is expressed.

ScrambledSmegs · 09/05/2013 15:04

Ah heck, this sounds familiar. But I was a PFB mess, in hindsight. At the time I thought I was being completely reasonable. In retrospect writing out instructions for DPILs and DParents re:DD1 as if she was a new washing machine, when they'd had four babies between them, was one of the signs that I was hanging on to my sanity by a thread.

However, the fact that your DH is upset too makes me wonder if you are really U. I suspect a little, but not entirely.

Can you take the lead from your DH on this? He knows her best. If you trust his judgement (and it sounds like you do) then refer her requests to him.

2rebecca · 09/05/2013 15:22

Even though mine are now teenagers though it still seems like a long time since I made up bottles, and as I breast fed I didn't make up many bottles and tended to take frowned on short cuts like microwaving bottles.
I'm quite happy as a granny to have a few instructions left or do a quick tutorial on baby managing if it helps the parents feel more relaxed about leaving the baby with me. I'd still want to see my adult children as well so am surprised some of these MILs aren't keen to see their sons when visiting the baby as well.

thebody · 09/05/2013 15:33

It's hard to look back and not laugh at some of my own Pfb moments, we all have them and to be fair when you feel you have a routine and SLEEP you would kill to keep this in place.

Still I don't think it's unreasonable for your mil to visit you during the day or the evening either. I mean I actually like to see my grown up children. I don't have grand children yet but I don't think they would replace my own children if you see what I mean ALL will be interesting.

I expect your mil is busy living her life but will catch up with your baby when he is older and frankly more interesting.

You arnt being unreasonable but neither is she really.

Iggi101 · 09/05/2013 15:37

My DMIL has never babysat since we had dc2, she has never offered either, but she knows the baby really well as we visit them and they visit us. I don't think you can only have a relationship with gps through solo care, nothing wrong with visiting as a family - unless you actually want/need someone to babysit of course!
Yes op is being a bit pfb but then she has a pfb - so why not? I didn't disrupt dc1s routines, and he's a great sleeper. Have been much more laidback with dc2's bedtimes - and he woke me ten times last night Hmm
I think the only-supper invites are a bit odd.

DIYapprentice · 09/05/2013 15:44

You are very lucky to have a family member wanting to babysit. Some of us brought kids up with no family help at all.

Ooh, Bingo (What prize do I get?)

Seriously, does this always have to end up with an 'be grateful because I had it worse than you' comment?

Op, your MIL is possibly fussing because you're there, and she feels watched. I do agree with you that it is easier for children to be babysat in their own house, but just because it's more difficult to take them elsewhere to be babysat doesn't mean it's bad for them, IYSWIM.

Sometimes a little disruption to a routine can be a good thing, it can make children more flexible. Our DSs went out with us and were put to bed in a portable cot - it was our portable cot so they got used to it. It made it a lot easier - and cheaper - to visit friends and family.

Original poster
Kafri · 09/05/2013 16:49

my own mum has just passed away suddenly (about 4 weeks ago) but no, she didnt babysit either.

all I want is mil to spend a bit of time with ds before I wander off happily and leave her to it. it just seems like she only wants to see him once in a blue moon

I guess I want mil to have a relationship with him now that my own mum can't.

and vinegar if you're still reading, then hands up-I apologise for being rude. id just been to jave a tooth out and was grumpy but thats no excuse so I apologise.

I know nothing bad will happen to hin if I leave him with her. I know shes brought 2 kids up - its the spending time with him I would like, not the once every now and again she seems to have in mind.

OP posts:
everlong · 09/05/2013 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 09/05/2013 17:02

YABU

She is not just the MIL, she is his grandma.

crashdoll · 09/05/2013 17:06

I'm on the fence because you say you want her to spend more time with DS but only on your terms.

Original poster
Kafri · 09/05/2013 17:41

I don't want it to be on my terms only - i'm quite happy to go up to visit her (as we do frequently). It would just be nice if she were willing to come to visit us and see DS.
He is a very whiny baby and tends to cry a lot when we're away from home as I don't have all his toys to distract him. So, it's usually happens that as soon as the novelty of new scenery has worn off for him he starts to get whiny any crying all the time. I just want her to be willing to come to ours to see how he can also be a really happy smiley baby aswell.
And I know she's not just the MIL, I know she's his grandma but I wasn't about to put MIL/GM every time I referred to her but I can do if it would convince people of my knowledge that she's his grandma.
If anything i'm trying to get her to play more of a part in his life as without me pushing, weeks can go by without her seeing us (and him) and that isn't the kind of relationship I want for them.
She saw him a week ago, as it was a family birthday - before that it was Easter.
I have just checked and have 4 messages that i've sent since Easter asking if she's free for us to pop round to see her - each one with a reply saying she's got a. to do or b. go to. No alternative, just can't today....

I'm struggling to see how it is unreasonable to want her to get to know her GS before I leave her to it with him...

OP posts:
everlong · 09/05/2013 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 09/05/2013 18:09

I know you think that his GM wouldn't be able to cope with him. But she will if you let her.

She will form her own relationship with him. She might do things differently to you but if she loves him it will all be fine.

DIYapprentice · 09/05/2013 18:14

Well if she NEVER makes the effort to come to you, or to do spontaneous things, then YANBU at all really. She can't have it all on her terms.

BookFairy · 09/05/2013 18:29

I'm very sorry about your mum Kafri

You want your son to know his grandma as his grandma, not someone who looks after him occasionally? Do you feel like she just wants to look after your baby so that she can tell people she has?

Original poster
Kafri · 09/05/2013 18:46

I think that's exactly it - she's always gushing about friends who look after their GC each week to help with childcare but made it clear she wouldn't be able to do that.
I don't mind that as i don't like the idea of RELYING on someone for babysitting iykwim. I told my mum the same - I would rather have them babysit when it isn't urgent so that if they need to cancel for whatever reason, i'm not left stuck and having to call in work.
It would just be nice if she gave off the air of WANTING to spend some time with DS.

So far it's been - I had a dentist appt (have had toothache for a fortnight) so she offered to have him. It's situations like this where she offers, rather than offering because she WANTS just to spend some time with him.
I'm not explaining myself very well at all here...

OP posts: