to ask how do you do it?

[catgirl1976]

DS wakes at 5am - 5:30am every day.

Then I have to go to work all day, then come home, feed him, play with him, bath him, put him to bed, tidy the house, do laundry, finish off some work, eat, get ready for work, maintain some semblance of a beauty regmine (and mean finding time to wash my hair or shave my legs, nothing intricate) and try to have some quality time with DH.

DS is amazing. He's worth every 5am start, but I am so tired today and have a busy day ahead. I do get a lie in on Sundays but it feels so far away today!

How do you cope with it? Any top tips?

Coffee is my good friend, but I'm considering swapping sweeteners for speed.

I have every sympathy for people with Depression. I've had it myself and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

However, I have very little sympathy for people with Depression who refuse to seek treatment and thus damage their relationship and family, especially when kids are involved.

I've found it far easier being a single mum than I did when I was carrying another lazy assed adult...

Oh my word, do NOT feel guilty about going to London!!

I just want to London for 5 DAYS, leaving DS with DH, it was heaven. Even though I had to sleep on a floor and got food poisoning at the end, it was still lovely. All that.... quiet

What worries me about your posts is that you went through all this horrible stuff and that worried you about what would happen to your family if something happened to you -- and really, your DH should have been similarly terrified. It should have been a real WTF moment and gotten him up off his arse. But instead he backtracked! That is just unreal.

I hope you will enjoy your time away and it spurs you on to demand kinder treatment for yourself at home.

Because really -- what he is doing to you is deeply unkind. This isn't a blip, this is nearly a couple years now, and it needs to stop.

I won't be pointing out where you're 'D'H is letting you and your DS down by not pulling his weight Catgirl. I think we can all agree it's been discussed.

What I'd like to add is that I'd like to read a thread where you tell us that your DH is now pulling his weight and you feel happier because you've changed how you allow him to behave/ treat you.

Change your attitudes and others will follow suit.

Oh my goodness Catgirl, I remember reading on here recently that you'd had a breakdown and now I understand a little better why. Plus, the recent lump scare - you must have the weight of the world on your shoulders.

You know there's no point asking people how they do it. Most people do it by either getting on with it as single parents, or sharing the load with their partners. Or by doing it all themselves in utter martyrdom and misery.

My DH did a stint as a SAHD for about 4 months. I'm not going to describe the extent to which he stepped up to the mark because it won't help you. But suffice to say, your 'D'P is falling pathetically short of the mark. And if that's because of depression that's understandable - so he needs to take steps to sort it out.

You say that you don't know how you would cope without your 'D'P, but you belie that by showing how excited you are by time away, and that the thought of all that time to yourself is 'tantalising'.

I understand you're not ready to make any drastic steps just yet. That's fine. MN isn't going anywhere.

Sending you some un-MN hugs.

You need to give some thought to the sort of male role model your 'D'P is providing for your son, and how much your future (assuming he's straight) DIL is going to thank you, when he morphs into his Dad.

I say this a little bit in jest, but only a little bit. You know it's how things are going to pan out, if things don't change a lot.

It's nice for your 'D'P that you're moving mountains to maintain his cocklodger status and to prioritise him in your household of 3, but sooner or later it's going to have to be time to prioritise you and your DS, rather than him.

DH aside, DS woke up at 4am this morning

I didn't go to him and he went back to sleep after about 5 minutes but then woke up 3 more times between 4 and 5, ,at which point he was fully awake and screaming

I tried giving him a bottle to drink in his cot to buy 10 minutes but he threw it at me and carried on howling

I am going to post in sleep about the early waking, but its really not helping things

He didnt have a dirty nappy. I dont think he's teething. He wasn't hot or cold and he went to bed at 7:15pm :(

5am is killing me. I can't do 4am :(

You can't put 'DH aside' as he is the cause of your problem really.

My DH works 12-14 days out of the house and does more around the house than yours does.

In answer to your question, I deal with the early mornings (we are all up and out of the house around 6ish) by going to bed early.

I suspect it is easier being a single mum than in your situation because you don't have to carry a bunch of dead weight.

Where was 'D'P in this 4AM bottle-flinging extravaganza?

My nearly 3YO DD woke up last night a few times from 3AM. I got up once, and DH got up the other three times. He works full time and I'm (currently) a SAHM. But I wasn't feeling well, so...

Out of interest, how do you not seethe with utter resentment at him at times like this? How can you possibly fancy him and maintain any semblance of a sex life with a man like this?

You're not obliged to answer these personal questions, Catgirl, I just find it fascinating in a fucked-up kind of way, because having sex with someone like this would make my skin crawl and I always wonder what sort of mental contortions one must make under these circumstances. :(

You are being taken for a complete mug. Sorry buts that's how it reads to me.

Get your shithead of a husband to sleep train your son. How old is your DS? My DD went through about 4 months of early sackings which were hell but suddenly stopped. So it might just need your shithead to shush him or get up early. And stop being an utter shit head

Good luck. You sound like you bloody need it with that husband.

What a douche

Ugh, I just want to shake your husband till his teeth rattle in his stupid face.

DD is an early riser too, it sucks. We deal with it by taking it in turns. She woke up last night a few times and DH went to her even though I was awake and physically nearer. Why did he do that? Because my back hurts atm and lifting her is a struggle, and because he loves her and wanted to give her comfort.

So what's your ultimatum re him going to the doctor? Get a plan in place within two weeks or...

Does it work to bring your ds into bed with you when he wakes up so early?

I think you are getting a hard time here. You have already said you want to save your marriage, so the comments of 'how can you stand being around him?" are not very helpful.

Does you dh respond to lists? I used to resent making lists for my dh because as an adult, I didn't feel I should take on that responsibility too. But, in the end, I did it, and he actually does what is on the list. You might want to try it.

The thing is, wanting to save your marriage is normal and admirable and I feel for you. But you can't do it if he's not willing to put the work in as well. The fact that your breakdown and health scare wasn't enough to frighten the shit out of him and make him take positive action suggests that he doesn't see there is a problem. Ditto his fear of relationship counselling.

Catgirl, I feel for you. Your DH must see his doctor as soon as possible. Anti depressants worked wonders for my best friend.

As a short term measure could you get a cleaner twice a week who will do laundry etc?

Alternatively, I wonder if it would help your DH's motivation if your DS instead went to nursery four afternoons a week? That way, if DH knew he only had say 3 hours to do a certain number of chores (leave him specific lists!), it's a lot easier to get motivated than when you have the whole day stretching ahead of you. Also can you disconnect the Internet / change password so that he can't access online gaming?

On the financial side, have you got life assurance? If you have but think it is not enough, then increase it or take out a separate policy.

On the early risings side, your DH absolutely must do the 5am wake ups on the day you go to work. No question.

I really hope things start to improve soon for you.

Catgirl :(

A few years ago my DP lost his job and he spent several months at home not achieving very much. We were mid-ish 20's at the time and didn't have children so the impact wasn't so great and financially he could fund his share for the 6 mos or so. It did used to pee me off no end though and he was probably doing more than your DH.

He was a bit depressed, although not clinically. It's nice to have time off work but for some people (my DP) work is enjoyable, socialable, gives routine and a sense of purpose. Take that away and I can see how people get in a spiral of 'nothingness'. After a while he snapped out of it and realised the damage to us and his career and 10 yrs on things are great.

I was just wondering what extended family say about this situation? Neither my parents or ILs live nearby but my ILs were horrified with the situation and used to frequently say things to my DP about finding work and me not getting stressed and he should be doing everything at home.

I know you have to sort things yourself in a relationship but knowing they were willing to step in and dare I say, on my side if i would have said anything to them about it, really helped the situation. He was kinda getting it from all angles that he needed to sort it out ASAP.

GL, you deserve better and so does your LO :)

Hope you've managed to get some sleep between your early start and now.

I mean this gently, but I suspect it's going to sound a bit harsh, for which I'm sorry. The last thing you need right now is someone else pointing out where you're going wrong. You must be on your knees as it is.

You're going to make yourself ill again unless you're careful. There's a reason sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture. Long term it can have significant effects on your physical and mental health and right now you don't have the resources left to counter that. You need to look after yourself better.

I'm assuming it's not possible for you to cut back at work due to being the sole earner ATM, so you need to find ways of getting more sleep outside of work. That means STOPPING doing housework and getting your DH to do it. I don't care that he has depression. One of my friends has suffered crippling depression to the point that she's been sectioned a few times. She's also a single mum. Apart from when she's been hospitalised, she has never once failed to get up with her daughter, feed her, get her off to school, ensure she has clean uniform to put on and a hot meal to eat when she gets back. Even though it's practically killed her to do so and she's spent the rest of the day while her DD was at school sobbing in a corner or lying on the bed staring blankly at the ceiling. She's done that because she loves her child and accepts that if she doesn't do it, her DD will suffer. Your DH is still in the mindset that it's ok if he doesn't do it because catgirl will pick up the slack. That needs to change. It's incredibly disrespectful towards you and will actively hold him back in his recovery from depression. One of the first steps is self reliance and personal responsibility, and by treating him as another child who has to be managed and not overburdened you are preventing him from developing this.

Catgirl, you really don't have the reserves to work full time, recover from a breakdown, be the primary carer for your son, and nurse someone through depression. It's just too much for one person. You sound terrified of being a single mum, but it's actually easier. If you're looking after your DS yourself, you tidy up as you go along. If he's in nursery you come home to the house being as you left it. There is less housework. There is significantly less laundry. There is less cooking to do (you can batch cook and just reheat something when there's just one of you a lot easier than you can for a couple). More importantly, your time away from work and DS is your own - you're not trying to meet anyone else's needs. Don't underestimate the sheer amount of mental and physical energy required to support someone like your DH. You could be free of all that.

I know you don't want to leave your DH, but if you're not going to end up ill yourself, he either needs to go or shape up. It really is that simple.

Depression my arse. He can still sit on online gaming all night. WHY didn't he get up at 4am? Why? What was his excuse? Honestly? The man is a useless tosser and that's the kindest thing I can say about hm. How do you not seethe with resentment and anger at how he treats you?

Poor you Catgirl. What is the point of you being married? He's not supporting you through tough times. Even when these tough times have passed, you will resent him as you know he wasn't there for you when you needed it the most.

My DH had Depression. We were all walking on eggshells around him. Our house was full of hostile silences and his moods. One day I told him to either move out or go to a GP. Thank God he did the second one and I got my DH back.

Not one person on this thread has thought it fair that you're doing so much when he has 3 free days. He obviously thinks that if he doesn't do things, they'll still get done. By you.

I'm sorry but you've got a breakdown on the way if this carries on.

Ultimatium time. Say it and mean it and don't let him soft soap you. Do it for your children. If you have a breakdown, who will look after them? Not you DH, he is as much use as a chocolate teapot.

Of course you can't do 4 am. Your husband could though. Time for an ultimatum, seriously.

As far as sleep, I would go back to putting him down at 8-8.30, I know this seems late but just imagine you're in France :)

If your husband ever steps up and does his share you will still have enough time to wind down after and get to bed earlyish.

Why on earth were you the one up at 4am?

You cannot just say 'DH aside'. One of the points of having a SAHP is so that they can take the strain of bad sleeping off the working parent.

He is taking you for an absolute mug.

DH and I are both having treatment for depression atm. I look after 2 DCs on my own all day 5 days a week, the eldest is at school but I have no childcare for the youngest. DH is working a full-time job. Not for one moment do either of us use our depression as an excuse to slack off - because we are responsible adults.

I honestly think that you would have an easier time if you were a single parent. Because you wouldn't have the pressure to have 'quality time' with DH - which is presumably some kind of euphemism for the fact that he expects you to have sex with him despite being exhausted.
I don't even know you and the disgust I feel towards him on your behalf is really powerful.

BTW - very glad all is ok with the boob x

Your DH is a twat, OP, and you know it. I worked til 11pm last night and got up at 6 for work again this AM. On nights like that I put my ear plugs in and DH is 'on call' - if Im only going to get 5hrs sleep then I need it to be uninterrupted.

Do not make excuses for him - do not think this is 'what men do'.

Hi All

To be fair to DH, he did get up this morning.

We were both woken by DS at 4am. I got up with him at 5am as it was clear he wasn't going to settle and DH came down about 5:15 and asked if he could do anything.

There was no point me going back to bed as I had to get up at 6ish anyway.

We both looked after DS and then DH took him while I got ready for London.

So he was pretty good this morning.

I am on the train now so might try and get an hours sleep before my meeting! Earlier I was thinking I would go to a gallery or something this evening as it would be a waste of London not to do something. Now I am thinking it would be a waste of a bed and a toddler free hotel room not to go to bed about 7pm!

So what will your ultimatum be re. him going to the doctors? Get a plan sorted in two weeks or....

I was thinking about this thread, and I was imagining a SAHM who had a cleaner, one child, childcare three full days a week, and whose DH had a full time demanding job. This DH then did all the housework (apart from cooking, mostly) and all the wake ups with the child.

The SAHM claimed to have depression but had never ever sought any kind of treatment, but spent all her time on online games.

Does reversing the roles make it any clearer how messed up this situation is OP? You can't put your DH 'aside' and project all your angst onto your son's (fairly normal) sleeping habits. That's not your real problem here, it really isn't.