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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how do you do it?

294 replies

catgirl1976 · 08/05/2013 06:59

DS wakes at 5am - 5:30am every day.

Then I have to go to work all day, then come home, feed him, play with him, bath him, put him to bed, tidy the house, do laundry, finish off some work, eat, get ready for work, maintain some semblance of a beauty regmine (and mean finding time to wash my hair or shave my legs, nothing intricate) and try to have some quality time with DH.

DS is amazing. He's worth every 5am start, but I am so tired today and have a busy day ahead. I do get a lie in on Sundays but it feels so far away today!

How do you cope with it? Any top tips?

Coffee is my good friend, but I'm considering swapping sweeteners for speed.

OP posts:
MamaBear17 · 08/05/2013 20:06

I split things with my dh. In the morning we take shifts whilst the other one is getting ready. Admittedly, dh's shift often involves him bringing dd into bed with him and putting cbeebies on whilst I am downstairs putting my slap on, then I take over and actually get her ready! Then in the evenings we take turns with the chores. One night I cook, bath dd and do the bedtime thing whilst he washes up, hoovers and tidies downstairs, puts a was on. The next night he cooks, baths dd and does bedtime whilst I do the cleaning up bits. Work gets done after she goes to bed (never any later than 7). Playtime is with whichever parent is not cooking and then both of us after her bath. We usually make sure work is finished by 8.30-9 and then we spend some time together. Or I go and soak in the bath. It is hard going but I just tell myself that it isnt going to last forever!

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 08/05/2013 20:15

Hi

DS is at nursery 2 days a week, not 4. He loves it. I would choose to send him even if I didn't have too. He will be an only child so it's great for him to interact with other children

There has been some very good advice on here, a lot of which I hope to take on board. I am very grateful for the support and advice, and even the 'ltb you enabling muppet' type comments as I know they are kindly meant and probably true.

I agree that DH must see his GP and I need to set him a deadline to this. I will do that. I will give him 2 weeks.

If I'm not back on tonight it's because I have to pack for a business trip to London tomorrow, clean up and sort my hair out.

Which would normally feel a bit knackering but, tomorrow I get to spend 2.5 hours on a train in 1st class, reading magazines and listening to my ipod. After my meeting I am free in London to look round a gallery, or the shops or just walk the street unharrased!

Then I get to spend a night in a hotel (only a Premier Inn BUT it's a room I dont have to clean, breakfast I don't have to cook, I can go to sleep as early as I like and sleep in till 7am!).

Then Friday, after my meetings, I get another 2.5 hours on the train, reading and drinking free wine

I feel a bit guilty for being excited and I will miss DS LOADS but the thought of all that me time is just so tantalizing!

OP posts:
SorryMyLollipop · 08/05/2013 20:16

Well, if you don't want to LTB then there's not much you can do.

Sorry to be harsh but I think you need to set some clear expectations of your H here or things will just carry on and you will be exhausted.

raisah · 08/05/2013 20:17

I have been back to work 18 months & absolutely exhausted now balancing it with 2 dc. Seriously contemplating resigning & becoming a sahm for a while.

SorryMyLollipop · 08/05/2013 20:17

Enjoy your trip, I know its work but you really deserve a break xx

flippinada · 08/05/2013 20:39

Catgirl I feel really sad reading this thread. That is not a nippy, passive-aggressive sad, it's genuine, feel-for-you sad. No wonder you had a breakdown - and you are heading for another one if things don't change for the better. Working full time on 5 hours sleep and doing the lions share of the housework while you are recovering from previous ill health is unsustainable and if this carries on it will damage you health - permanently.

I do sympathise with depression, it is horrible and like others posting here I've had severe PND so I know just how debilitating it can be. However my sympathy is extremely limited for someone who has depression but does nothing to tackle it, especially knowing how much it's impacting on people they are close to. And lest we forget, selfish arseholes can get depression too.

What was your H's reaction to your breakdown? I'm not demanding you detail it on here but thinking about it may give you some food for thought.

I too hope you enjoy your work trip, it sounds lovely and you deserve the 'break, :)

angeltattoo · 08/05/2013 20:46

Ah, I thought I read DS was in nursery 4 days -apologies.

Enjoy your time away, you deserve it!

Joiningthegang · 08/05/2013 20:50

I think you have to take some responsibility for your situation - your are accommodating his fecklessness - depressed? But you have a breakdown and he still hasnt sought diagnosis or treatment? Really?

What is the point of him? What exactly does he do?

You'd be better on your own and splitting custody frankly.

My days are not far off yours but 3dc and husband out at work 6-6. I would expect to do little housework if he was home without children for most of the day.

You sound really lovely - please find some self respect and not put up with this unacceptable state of affairs.

Is he Abusive or manipulative in some way? That is the only explanation for putting up with such shit

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 08/05/2013 20:50

Thanks sorry [thanks)

ada he was ok. He stepped up and looked after DS whilst I spent a week in bed and we did really talk. At that point he promised to go to the GP and had an appointment. However just as I was getting better I then had a lump in my breast and had to go for a mammogram and a biopsy and that was such a frightening time it threw everything off track (I lost my cousin to breast cancer last year so I was so terrified). I got the all clear though thankfully. I was also terrified as I didn't know how the hell DH would cope without me financially if I was off work long term with an illness or died.

So things got off track and with me going back to work and being quickly exhausted again they have slipped and not really got back to where we had got to (IYSWIM)

I will make him go to the Doctors.

The thing that really shook him last time was me saying I wanted to go for relationship counseling. Again, this has dropped off the radar but I will state that we have to go and hopefully it will get us somewhere.

OP posts:
flippinada · 08/05/2013 20:55

Well I'm really pleased he stepped up, that's good. There's hope :)

You've really been through the mill haven't you? (I do hope that doesn't sound patronising), and I'm so sorry to gear about your cousin. That must have been awful.

Please be kind to yourself, won't you?

Joiningthegang · 08/05/2013 21:01

This is harsh - but given the horrible things you have been through - he isn't really stepping up at all is he? Just throwing you crumbs which you see as better than nothing.

As an absolute outsider who knows nothing of your life - he appears to have no intention of changing. Just as little as possible to keep you off his back

maddening · 08/05/2013 21:01

so your husband doesn't work? Then you should stop all housework immediately.

suburbophobe · 08/05/2013 21:02

Welcome to the real world.

Try doing it as a single mum! Smile

flippinada · 08/05/2013 21:12

I don't think there's any need to kick someone when they're down, is there?

I also speak as a single mum. I can see OP is exhausted and desperately needs a break and some support which she isn't getting from her H.

Sometimes (in fact, a lot of the time) it's easier doing it all on your own than dealing with a situation like this.

scottishmummy · 08/05/2013 21:12

I sense a reticence?why. 2weeks.wait why can be not go sooner?
I Appreciate you love him,and maybe want to fix him but you can't do this alone
familial support will be great but this needs an intervention from gp.no more prevarication he needs to see gp

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 08/05/2013 21:20

Thanks ada

I've said before and I will say it again, I am in awe of single mums (and dads). How anyone does it without support it beyond me. I am lucky as my DPs a great and I do not know how I would cope without them.

sm it will probably take 2 weeks to get an appointment with our drs - they are rubbish.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 08/05/2013 21:23

ok,you emphasise it's urgent,a mh need. does you gp do walk in and wait or home visits

flippinada · 08/05/2013 21:25

Well, it gets a lot easier when they're older. My DS is 8 now, as fact which constantly amazes me. I really struggled with the toddler stage and juggling caring for a toddler with FT work (which I did too) is very tough indeed.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 08/05/2013 21:25

They don't as far as I know but I will check. I will talk to him tonight and tell him he has to go and he has to ring them tomorrow for an urgent appointment. I know he is scared of what they will say (having to face up to things) but he needs to do it for me and for DS. And, for himself.

OP posts:
Wuldric · 08/05/2013 21:26

You toughen up. It'll take a year or two of near exhaustion before your system adapts. But it does adapt. Don't forget you in all this and try to find time to keep fit and healthy - it helps.

scottishmummy · 08/05/2013 21:31

gp do offer urgent and hv do emphasise the need
if he finds it hard to talk take a list.also be mindful of yourself,your needs
think of how long it's being going on,triggers,his current activity level,nutrition,alcohol intake,sleep

GoodtoBetter · 08/05/2013 21:56

He's not scared, he just doesn't want his excuse for sitting on his sorry arse to be rumbled. He is making a fool out of you and taking the piss and you are letting him. WHY isn't he getting up with DS at 5am with immediate effect?

scottishmummy · 08/05/2013 22:00

now isn't time for the whoop his ass speech.you're not watching Kyle now

Choccywoccydodah · 08/05/2013 22:17

Being a SAHD means he is a SAHD!! The child is his 'job'! It's for him predominantly look after your ds. He has naps in the day to recover from his early wakes, you are at work potentially jeopardising your career and your household income because you are knackered.
Sort him out or tell him to get a job to fund proper childcare!

roseum · 08/05/2013 22:36

Can you try sleep-training your DS to wake up a bit later? Maybe gradually shift his bedtime a little later, so he wakes a little later in the morning? Then you could all eat together (much earlier than 10pm!) which saves on doing 2 meals in the evening.

If you can't shift his early waking, can you mitigate, can you bring him in bed with you for snuggles, so you can doze while he plays quietly (or can you feed him a snack, so he goes back to sleep? My DS is only 15months, but sometimes if he does wake early, some milk will send him back to sleep for another couple of hours).

Re housework - does your H not 'see' what needs doing? Or is he well aware but ignoring? I have some sympathy for his being unable to get much housework done when he is looking after your DS - some days I/ DH manage sod all when looking after our DS. But your H has lots of free days without your DS. Would leaving a list of stuff to do - starting small with one task a day, perhaps, given his depression - help? If not, I'd stop doing his clothes washing - when he runs out, maybe he'll manage to shove a load in the machine!

But I'd also suggest going to bed earlier, and ignoring the housework, if nothing else - you won't get ill from a messy house (and you have a cleaner regularly, so it can't be too unhygienic) but you can get ill from exhaustion.