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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how do you do it?

294 replies

catgirl1976 · 08/05/2013 06:59

DS wakes at 5am - 5:30am every day.

Then I have to go to work all day, then come home, feed him, play with him, bath him, put him to bed, tidy the house, do laundry, finish off some work, eat, get ready for work, maintain some semblance of a beauty regmine (and mean finding time to wash my hair or shave my legs, nothing intricate) and try to have some quality time with DH.

DS is amazing. He's worth every 5am start, but I am so tired today and have a busy day ahead. I do get a lie in on Sundays but it feels so far away today!

How do you cope with it? Any top tips?

Coffee is my good friend, but I'm considering swapping sweeteners for speed.

OP posts:
whoneedssleepanyway · 09/05/2013 12:12

No worries Catgirl, I hope you can find something that works for you, it is sh1t and I really empathise.

whoneedssleepanyway · 09/05/2013 12:14

I take on board your view Dreaming but at the end if you get to a stalemate where someone won't change but you don't want to leave I am not sure what else you can do. It is a vicious circle.

dreamingbohemian · 09/05/2013 12:15

x-post

Okay CEO hat again Smile

What would you do with an employee who only did half of his job responsibilities?

And when you reminded him with a list of everything he was supposed to do, he still only did some of them?

You would think he was massively taking the piss.

Okay, your husband is not your employee. But these things that need to be done are not just things that YOU are coming up with for no reason, they are things that objectively need to be done for you and your child to live properly. How is that not enough incentive for him?

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 09/05/2013 12:20

Sorry, my reply was very abrupt, but the man you portray is not one I recognise in the slightest. Not my DH, not my father, not my brother.

I don't understand the allowances that seem to be made for men who are just lazy and who know someone else will pick up the slack if they don't do it.

They are all perfectly capable and don't need lists any more than we do. They just do not want to do it, and know they don't have to.

You don't have to accept this, or believe all men are like this, is all I am saying. They're simply not.

dreamingbohemian · 09/05/2013 12:25

whoneeds it's only a vicious circle if you trap yourself inside it.

If you open up the possibility of leaving, it can change everything.

I know my DH is 100% committed to me, but I also know if I started acting like a selfish jerk all the time he would eventually leave. That's a completely rational reaction. Why would you hang around and be treated badly, especially when there's a child involved?

Removing that option also removes a major incentive for people to get their act together.

I have done the softly, softly thing, for 3 years in fact, when I was younger. It does not work. They will not change. Thank god I finally left and am not still stuck in that purgatory. It's one thing to support someone who is struggling temporarily, it's another thing enabling someone to just continue being hopeless.

dreamingbohemian · 09/05/2013 12:27

Just to clarify -- when I say why would 'you' hang around, I mean people generally, not you specifically, whoneeds.

You say you are happy so I don't want to criticise your situation.

GoodtoBetter · 09/05/2013 12:33

Of course he only does some of it, because he knows you'll do the rest and he knows you won't leave. He is taking advantage. I'll ask again, WHY doesn't he get up with DS in the morning? WHY is it you? What is the reason for that?

NoWayPedro · 09/05/2013 12:35

You've done it again; 'if I write a list he will do some of the things' - so either you unwittingly defend him in a 'he's not really that bad way' or how bad he is is an exaggeration. I think the former, you're in denial.

I'm not trying to have a go :). The facts are there, you write them, but you will always have an excuse for his behaviour - he doesn't need one as you will gloss over every time. I know, I've been there.

whoneedssleepanyway · 09/05/2013 12:37

I know you aren't Dreaming.

I am happy, we have had some bad times, but now things work, yes it is a poor reflection that DH has to be asked to do his share but that's the way it is and it has helped address the balance, I imagine things were not as desparate for us as they are for the OP.

DonDraper you are right not all men are like this, and I am sure I am guilty of enabling this...DH's father does nothing he had the traditional role of being the breadwinner and his mum did everything else so that is what DH grew up with, similar in my family and I guess I have just gone one to emulate what I grew up with, except with one big difference that I am the breadwinner too. I have tried to strike more of a balance and I would like my DDs to end up with the men you describe in your post.

MexicanHouseThief · 09/05/2013 13:37

Wrote a post earlier but lost it as the site crashed, so here it is again:

You say you will not countenance leaving. That's your choice. Instead, how about you say that if he doesn't seek AND IMPLEMENT help for his depression within a short period of your choosing, he must move out. Not splitting up, not The End, not forever, but he must leave the family home so that he can take responsibility for himself for a while and you can have some much needed space to recover, rest and gain perspective. If you are enabling each other, spending some time apart (without ending the relationship) might help both of you.

Thurlow · 09/05/2013 14:09

Lists could be a way forward, they're not a terrible idea. DP, even though he pulls his weight, isn't always the best at noticing in the first place what needs doing. But a quick list or text that takes me 30 secs to write ("needs a hoover, beds need changing") and he does the jobs. But similarly he'll often need to remind me that we are out of a certain food, or the bins need to go out etc, because those are things that I don't notice as much as he does. It works for us - though I've just realised that we have a very cliched division of labour Grin

HazleNutt · 09/05/2013 14:14

Obviously, any soft approaches and lists do not work, you've tried, he is still massively taking the piss and you still do everything.

I understand you believe things are not that bad and you can manage. But you have a DS to think about. He needs 2 functioning parents, not one that does nothing and other one having a breakdown because she tries to do everything.

winecentral · 09/05/2013 14:46

ive just jumped 7 or so pages, so appolgies if ive missed something.

My ex husband was like this. Before we even had children, had lots of down time, late starts, early finishes and two afternoons off a week. i worked 40 hours. Can you guess who did everything?

When he was on annual leave from work, he used to do even less, mostly lie in bed all day, i used to tell him it was leave from work not leave from life.

I tried, i shouted, i made lists i stopped doing his stuff, it would always revert back.

DD came along and he continued to do nothing. Not for that reason, but it should have been enough, we are now divorced. I have managed with a child on my own. im far less tired than i was when he was around, and DD was tiny when we split.

hes now remarried, he still does nothing.

Hes a self entitled arse who is lazy and does not respect women, much the same as yours sounds..... you only get one life, dont waste it with someone who doesnt respect you.

Nagoo · 09/05/2013 16:09

If you are a single parent no one is messing up your house while you at work and the DC are in childcare.

If you are not sitting down until 9pm then I assume you are doing stuff.

At 7.30 when the DC is in bed, reel off the list of things that you need to get done and make your DH do some.

This situation is untenable.

You have to change something. Sleep is x1million more important than 'quality time'. Go to bed.

scottishmummy · 09/05/2013 17:41

Op has made it clear she's no want to leave dh.no point banging on about it
his next step is he get treatment,see gp for assessment,this needs to be prioritised
depression is a treatable illness that usually respond well to medication and treatmenth

nobodysbaby · 09/05/2013 18:42

Sorry if this is prying too much, but if you are saying that you won't consider leaving because you're worried that he'll self harm, then you must know that that isn't your responsibility, right? You need to look after yourself and your son, your husband is an adult who can help himselfif he chooses to.

LibertineLover · 10/05/2013 11:38

whoneeds Men like this do see the dirty cups in the sink, the toys on the floor etc. They just think...fuck it, she can do it when she gets in.

They are no different to us in that respect, some men choose not to because they don't have to.

Thurlow · 10/05/2013 14:00

Hi Catgirl, how did your night in London go? Did you get some decent rest?

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 11/05/2013 10:39

It was lovely! Thank you

I randomly woke up at 5am yesterday (I think my body clock must be set now) but I just had a cup of tea in bed and dozed. On the Friday night I had a peaceful meal in a restaurant, then a hot bath and bed.

The train back yesterday evening was lovely.........just reading magazines, listening to music and drinking wine! Bliss

And..............I came home to a spotless house and dinner Shock

I think I should go away more often......................... :)

OP posts:
limon · 11/05/2013 11:14

Your DH sounds like a slacker.

FoundAChopinLizt · 11/05/2013 11:19

Has your dh been reading your mumsnet account when you've been away?Grin

So he can get things done when you're not doing it..interesting, don't you think?

I broke my leg a few years back and I really made me realise how much I did in the house.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 11/05/2013 12:12

You know found, I was wondering that myself! Grin

But yes..........he clearly can do things, he is just choosing not to.

Next step, GP appointment for him. Less enabling martyrdom from me.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 11/05/2013 12:47

Good Smile

Have you discussed it with him yet? Because he needs to go ASAP. No more tiptoeing around it.

Glad you got some rest!!

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 11/05/2013 13:22

He has promised he will ring for an urgent appointment on Monday

So hopefully, we have some progress! :) Thanks

OP posts:
Nagoo · 11/05/2013 14:31

Good luck :)

And book another night away!