to think 'sod it' and just have a baby anyway?

[KentishWine]

We have no money, we live in a shit flat and I'm about to start a new job. It's a dreadful time to even be thinking about having a baby. But I'm 36 and the proverbial clock has been ticking for the last year. Its so bloody loud it's driving me insane. Our financial/housing situation won't improve until I'm at least 40. Not an ideal time to start trying for a baby (especially as my DM had an early menopause at 43). I want to do it now!

After rent, bills, debts etc, DH and I have about £500 left over each month for everything else. There's no way I can afford to be a SAHM, we'll both have to work FT so FT childcare is our only choice. This costs £1200 a month (London). We're short by £700! As far as I can work out, we're not eligable for tax credits etc as DH is subject to immigration control until 2015 (I'm British, he's Brazillian). We are eligable for £20/month child benefit, but that wouldn't even touch the sides.

It makes me so sad that we're too poor for a baby. By the time we're not too poor, it's likely to be too late. AIBU to just get pregnant and hope for the best? What's the worst that could happen?

I earn a decent (ish) wage working for a small charity. This is offset by DHs crap wage. He's at the very start of his career and needs to build up a reputation over the next couple of years. Then things will improve. In about 3 years time we'll be in a very stable position. But by then I may not be able to conceive (given my DM went through menopause in eatly 40s).

I really don't want anyone to support my life through their taxes. I pay taxes too. So does my DH.

I hadn't thought about fertility testing but that sounds like a good idea

I second getting your FSH levels tested, because frankly the fact that you are considering bring a baby into a flat that has one damp bedroom is very unfair.

I want a baby well I hate to break it to you but children aren't possessions.

To the people saying wait.

Age of menopause is strongly genetic and ops mum had it at 43.

Iirc fertility declines sharply 10 years prior to menopause which is why women aged 40 have difficulties with fertility as the average age for menopause is 50.

Following this rule ops fertility may well have started declining at 33 and you are still saying she should wait?

She could face costly fertility treatments or miss out altogether.

The only way to get some idea of this is to have the FSH test, then OP can make some serious, informed decisions.

A friend of mine went through menopause in her late 30s when she had just started ttc after making sure she was financially stable etc.

Her mother and sisters had all had their own children in their teens and 20s (and some of them were financially unstable when they did so) and failed to mention that they all had experienced early menopause.

This would be a big factor in my decision if I were the op.

Yes go talk to your gp ASAP

What is the point, though, really, of having fertility tested when the OP has not been actively trying and has no reason to think that she has present fertility issues?

Her DH would need tested as well.

But the point is - Even if her fsh levels are good now, there is no guarantee that she would be able to get pregnant in a year, or two, or four. No one will be able to tell her that she will. So actually, she still will have no idea whether she can have a child in the future if she waits, or not.

No,winter shoes and coats, hats scarfs, warm clothes , cool clothes , pjs , food extra gas/electric milk, nappies,school dinners, school bus fares, ect these cost money not bloody skiing trips!

Look. You asked why people complain about schools asking for money if kids don't cost so much. My point is that even parents who can meet the financial needs of their children are entitled to complain about luxury expenses.

And yes, of course there are people who are in poverty and cannot afford necessities for their children. I guess "much" is the problematic term. We all know it costs more to have kids than not to have kids - but when people begin to treat things as necessities when they aren't, it distorts the true cost.

I am not going to put my precise financial details on mumsnet - but we earn little enough that we are classified as a low-income household, and we care for our three kids with that.

I'm conflicted.

I grew up very poor. Obviously I'm glad I'm alive but I would be devastated if I ever ended up in a situation where my DC had the same childhood. I have many painful memories.

However I have extremely close to my DM as we 'get it.' She sacrificed everything for me and Dsib. But she and DF suffered in doing so.

So my gut says no, please don't do it but my heart says you sound like you'd be a wonderful role model to a DC (charity in your 20's etc)

So... I don't know.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Getting tested now means that OP can, if her fertility is already on the wane, make big "do or die/now or never" decisions, like moving to the burbs/changing career/picking up part-time freelance work/sorting out DH as a SAHD and so on.
If she's OK for now, spend a year saving like a loon, get another FSH (or whatever) test and take a view from there.

If she's OK for now
A fertility test can't tell you that you will be able to get pregnant.

But even if the test shows her fertility not to be "on the wane", that could completely change within a year (as it did for my friend). Or there could be other issues in a year.

I know - it could change the next month!
However, that's her best shot at finding out how her chances are. She's not in an ideal situation financially or biologically, really, and so the more info she has, the better, as it will inform her next moves.

Also getting tested now means if the news is not good that op can start whatever nhs treatments are available straight away.

My mum went through the menopause at 38. I am 10 years older than that and still no sign of it so just because your mum had an early menopause it doesn't mean you will.

I dont think you really have an option but to wait as it would be financial suicide to have a baby now as you just cant afford it.
Babies are expensive even if you just buy the basics and there is nothing like having a new baby and no money to put extra strain on the strongest of relationships.

We're looking for signs of early menopause here in particular here, remember.

Go for it!!! Maybe one day you don't have a child but imagine thinking over this time and knowing you had on purpose prevented it?

Try and see what happens. It really is the most wonderful thing ever and you will make it okay.

But (on a more helpful note) have you thought about living overseas and raking it in for a bit? If you don't mind me asking what do you do? I used to live overseas (three countries, five years) I could give you some pointers.

So you can't afford a baby but still want one. I want a Ferrari but can't afford that either. YABU it's a hopeless situation in which o bring a child into. I actually can't believe that people are telling you to go for it.

What you need OP, is a plan. Given your age, it needs to be a tight plan.

Here is what I would do:

1. I would move out of London, even if this means a lot of time on the train - the rent costs would offset the travel costs by quite a bit (if I remember London right).

2. I would plan to be at my job until I was eligible for maternity leave.

3. Any spare money, down to the penny needs to be saved, if there is anywhere at all you can save money right now, do it.

4. Given your visa/job/childcare situations your DH is going to need to be a SAHD in order for you to have a baby in the near future. That is it, there isn't really any other option from what you have posted. If he can find some work local to where you move to then all the better.

5. Give yourself 6 months to get the above together, do it and then start trying for a baby. While trying keep banking every penny.

Your situation isn't hopeless, it isn't an 'either or' just yet, but you need a plan.

Good luck.

I think you should have a baby. Your complaint of £500 after expenses paid, well, I think you'll find a lot of people earn a lot of money but their outgoings are high, and it all disappears again- mortgages, nursery fees, school fees, whatever- and suddenly a very very good salary comes to nothing.
You will be better off planning to return to work yourself with DH as SAHD. If you can leave London, do so, renting is ridiculous in London (says she, renting in London)
I think, life is short.. and if it feels right to you, go ahead.
There are relevant EU law provisions re your DH and your right to things like tax credits, too.
No it's not ideal, but not everyone has a perfect life plan and has the opportunity to follow things on the perfect timeline. It may not be the best timing, but as long as you are realistic about the immense life change involved and plan for it, I see no problem at all

I don't think fertility testing is relevant here

Its a shame that at 36 and with family history of early menopause the OP has not thought about babies until recently. Or has not even considered discussing with her doctor about her own fertility until now.

I just hope for her sake and once her and DH have got their arses into gear financially that she can have this baby.

Being pregnant over age of 35 is not without risks, more things to go wrong for OP and baby. There is potential for heartache ahead and please be ready for that OP. Have you thought about a back-up plan? IVF or adoption?

YANBU. Sad truth for the majority is that there is never a financially rational time to have a child. A good book on that subject I read recently is Jonathan Last's "What to expect when noone's expecting". Didn't agree with all his conclusions/remedies but informative without being dreary nonetheless. Could you consider having the child and then sending it to Brazil to be raised by your DH's family? A fair few immigrant families do that here. Their reasoning is that they are going to be working 12+ hour days anyway and at least their kid is likely to be looked after by someone who loves them. They can also afford a better quality of education for them in their country of origin.

Having a baby is an optimistic thing to do. It forces you to believe that your future is going to be better than your past. If you feel that in future you will be in a better financial position then you should go ahead and try to have a baby now.

Ask yourself: what would you regret more

a.) You don't try for a baby now, improve your financial position but can't conceive and so you are richer but childless at 40.
b.) You TTC now and have a baby and are really horribly broke, possibly in council housing and on benefits in 2 years time so you are poor but you have a baby.

Which scenario is your worst outcome for you? Some people would prioritize having a baby over anything, others would dread poverty and prioritize their financial security.

It's a tough decision. Good luck whatever you choose but don't underestimate the pressure it puts on a relationship to have a DC and no money.

I thought they didn't like to do fertility testing unless you'd been ttc unsuccessfully - !
I was told this, prior to ttc.
I was told that they don't like to skew the results with completely fertile women who are simply curious... (that's what they said) as it buggers things up for everyone else (I don't know why).

But I'd say go for it - you never know what is around the corer - total poverty, or indeed, an even better paid job for you and / or your DH.

corner, not corer. I'm not talking apples here.