to think 'sod it' and just have a baby anyway?

[KentishWine]

We have no money, we live in a shit flat and I'm about to start a new job. It's a dreadful time to even be thinking about having a baby. But I'm 36 and the proverbial clock has been ticking for the last year. Its so bloody loud it's driving me insane. Our financial/housing situation won't improve until I'm at least 40. Not an ideal time to start trying for a baby (especially as my DM had an early menopause at 43). I want to do it now!

After rent, bills, debts etc, DH and I have about £500 left over each month for everything else. There's no way I can afford to be a SAHM, we'll both have to work FT so FT childcare is our only choice. This costs £1200 a month (London). We're short by £700! As far as I can work out, we're not eligable for tax credits etc as DH is subject to immigration control until 2015 (I'm British, he's Brazillian). We are eligable for £20/month child benefit, but that wouldn't even touch the sides.

It makes me so sad that we're too poor for a baby. By the time we're not too poor, it's likely to be too late. AIBU to just get pregnant and hope for the best? What's the worst that could happen?

I think she is doing so :) and I wish her well.

Everlong, I'm sorry to hear your experiences - all the same I think you are describing an emotional poverty that all the money in the world won't change. I'm as poor as a church mouse (do own my house outright though) but no child of mine will ever be sat in front of the TV with Wotsits!

kentish, when I (a couple of months ago) applied for ILR, we had to tick the box saying we got the tax credits - I was worried because the impression the form gave - by having the boxes laid out as they do!- was that it was a no-no.
I think maybe they deliberately obscure the fact that it is OK for the citizen-partner to get the tax credits!

Lol to the "children dont cost much".

If thats the case why do people moan so much when schools ask for money as plenty on here do.

Children cost a lot, childcare, food, clothes etc. its a continual cost until they reach 18. Those that say they dont cost much either have a very high household income or live on benefits so the state not them pay their costs.

Encouraging people to have benefts when they have already said their household income doesnt stretch is simply wrong. Unfair on the child and the stress of money may drive the couple apart.

You don't get a medal for paying off your debts instead of going for bankruptcy or a DRO.
Do what's best for you and your DH OP.
Gl

quint I earn more than £18k. That is just the threshold the gov have set for anyone wanting to marry and 'import' a non-Brit.

brdgrl I see! I will investigate this.

noone is telling op to live.on benefits Happy-ha-mum ofone.they are merely pointing out she may be entitled to claim cb or wtc as many working parents do.or do you believe only wealthy people should be allowed to have kids?

Quite the opposite HappyMummy - children cost less for people on low incomes because we don't have so much many to spend on bigger houses, holidays, driving lessons etc.

The more I read of this thread the more I think you should find a way to make it happen. I strongly suspect that the people who are being snotty about claiming tax credits and saying that it's your own fault for not thinking about having children sooner already have children.

It may not appeal but if you can get 2nd jobs and just work your arses off now you will be grateful in the long run. You can't ignore the fact that you don't have enough money to have a child now, but it's essentially a choice between having a crap 6 months - 1 year now to make it happen or a crap time when your baby is here and you won't be in a position then to make those sorts of changes.

I really hope you work something out :)

No one should have a ''sod it, just do it'' attitude to having children

Its not about having a big house, holidays or fancy prams to have a baby, its about being able to pay the freakin bills, to not be bringing children up on/below the bread line. Its not fair on the kids to be born in to that life. Many working parents have to go to food banks too... is this how you envisage yourself with your little LO??

Op has stated she can not finically support a child but is being encouraged to go for it!! The ''oh something will come up gang'' are actually meaning '' just go on benefits'' which is actually so bad for our economy at the moment.

That's not responsible, its bloody reckless, especially with the crap government in now. NO ONE is safe, that claim benefits. The benefit system is not there as a security blanket or a way of life, its a safety net for those under terrible circumstances....this not Op

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but its not every ones right to have a family if you cant afford it. Sorry its not.

Op if you can save 500 a month and start ttc and saving now, if you are lucky and get pregnant straight away you will have nearly £5000 to put aside for whatever you choose to do.

Even if you do just stay in your flat and both keep your jobs, this money will offset your own quoted nursery costs (so the 700 a month extra you said you would need) for the first 6 months.

So if you do get pregnant straight away these savings will tide you over with childcare costs until the middle of 2014, and then you just need to sort out what to do between then and 2015 when you can claim tax credits without any worries.

Are these new rules? I am a non brit, married to another non-brit, living in London. I never knew about any such rules..... Maybe because I came here as student?

'I am a non brit, married to another non-brit, living in London. I never knew about any such rules..... Maybe because I came here as student?'

It would never have applied to you because your EEA and your spouse is EU.

This is for those who marry a non-EEA/EU national.

Haven't read the whole thread but agree with many others that there will never be a right time to have a baby. And you will never be quite ready. That's okay. That's how it is.

Crucially, your relationship with DP is stable, and you both want a family. This is really, really great. And rare. Be grateful.

Our 2 children were born under similar circumstances, we're better off now, but when children were young we were beyond stretched. I'm glad we didn't wait for perfection, you can always find an excuse / reason to delay it year after year after year.

You don't get a medal for paying off your debts instead of going for bankruptcy or a DRO.

No, but you do get a decent credit rating.

You do get to free up money to spend on living costs rather than paying off debts.

How would you rate the OP's DH's chances WRT immigration status if he or the OP had to apply for bankruptcy or be subject to a DRO?

OP when I'm faced with this kind of situation I try to imagine myself at 80, looking back on my life, and thinking about whether I'm glad I made a decision one way or another. If I think I'll be filled with regret, I don't do it.

Then, if it's not the practical course (isn't always, logic can't win all the fights) I come up with plan a, plan b, plan c and assorted other subsidiary back up plans. I usually manage to find a way to do the things I really want to do. Where there's a will and all that.

Just do if.

It's a long time to live regretting not having a child until it was too late.

You will find a way I have and I didn't have that left over money

OP - have you thought about going to your GP to get your fertility tested. My SIL (who is 37 and single) had it done recently and apparently it was relatively easy. Might give you a bit more information to make your decision.

Lol to the "children dont cost much". If thats the case why do people moan so much when schools ask for money as plenty on here do.

Because necessities - even using that term generously - don't cost much. Extras like the ski trips other nonsense the kids' school puts on - those do cost.

OP - if I were you I'd get my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels tested to see how much wiggle room you've got with your fertility. The lower the levels the better....if yours are low, you might not have to take any action on the baby front for at least another year.

Lots has been said about saving/paying off debts and so on, so I won't add to it, as most advice has been very sound.

However - niche career? What in? Not asking to be nosy, but you never know - other posters might be able to offer you some really useful advice if we know what you do. What are the chances of doing a bit of freelancing or consulting? This way you could maybe do a bit of work in the evenings or weekends while the baby sleeps or is cared for by DH.

What about other freelance work? Writing website content - real no-brainer work, but it can pay OK - for example.

I feel for you. I started to think about children in my late twenties, and DP is a very cautious person, and wanted a stable job and some savings before children. I had (and still have) my second fiddle freelance work. We had a tiny flat when DS was born, and we found a buyer when he was five days old! We upgraded to a small two-bed, and had DD two and a half years later. We're now in a three-bed house, and each move has taken us further from the centre of our city.

If you can, wait until DH's status is more certain (I can't remember if he can apply for jobs yet).

I lived in a flatshare in Dalston and walked to work in an hour. I couldn't afford to bring a family up there so I now live in zone 6 and have a 1.5 hour commute each way.

Just move out of inner london, its greener, less polution and quieter. Its not trendy, its the boring burbs but you're having a family.

I had a pretty crap childhood. My parents had no spare money, I wore hand me downs until I got a part time job at 16.

I promised myslef I would never do that to my kids. So in order to save up for our children I worked 7 days a week and all hours. I cut back on everything I could.

Forgive for me for not sharing the enthusiasm for living off the state because you had a very carefree and fab 20's and early 30's.

I'm not saying don't have a baby but don't expect those of us who have worked hard to have a family to be hugely sympathetic to your plight.

KentishWine, can I ask why you're struggling financially with 2 FT salaries? Is it due to high rent, debts, something else? It just seems crazy to me that 2 FT wages in niche careers (so you're not flipping burgers in McD) and no travel costs aren't enough to afford even a 'good enough' 1 bed flat. A job should provide you with enough to house yourselves but these 2 jobs appear not to.

I've just tried looking up some 1 bedroom flats to rent in outer London and the prices are horrendous. Surely it's got to be worth considering moving out within commuter distance and paying travel costs instead of high rent?

YABU. Now. Save, scrimp, and see where you are in a years time.

I grew up very poor, I thought long and hard before I posted. I just think with all the government cuts right now would be bad.

Because necessities - even using that term generously - don't cost much. Extras like the ski trips other nonsense the kids' school puts on - those do cost. ha ha ha

No,winter shoes and coats, hats scarfs, warm clothes , cool clothes , pjs , food extra gas/electric milk, nappies,school dinners, school bus fares, ect these cost money not bloody skiing trips!

I've seen children turn up at my school with there mothers over sized broke coat on when it was snowing because they couldn't afford one. It's hideous , child poverty does exists in britan!

But hey! If a woman wants a baby then a baby she must have regardless of anything else !!