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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think 'sod it' and just have a baby anyway?

374 replies

KentishWine · 07/05/2013 19:32

We have no money, we live in a shit flat and I'm about to start a new job. It's a dreadful time to even be thinking about having a baby. But I'm 36 and the proverbial clock has been ticking for the last year. Its so bloody loud it's driving me insane. Our financial/housing situation won't improve until I'm at least 40. Not an ideal time to start trying for a baby (especially as my DM had an early menopause at 43). I want to do it now!

After rent, bills, debts etc, DH and I have about £500 left over each month for everything else. There's no way I can afford to be a SAHM, we'll both have to work FT so FT childcare is our only choice. This costs £1200 a month (London). We're short by £700! As far as I can work out, we're not eligable for tax credits etc as DH is subject to immigration control until 2015 (I'm British, he's Brazillian). We are eligable for £20/month child benefit, but that wouldn't even touch the sides.

It makes me so sad that we're too poor for a baby. By the time we're not too poor, it's likely to be too late. AIBU to just get pregnant and hope for the best? What's the worst that could happen?

OP posts:
Original poster
KentishWine · 07/05/2013 22:30

olgaga DH as a banker was a joke. He'd be rubbish at it and would hate it!

OP posts:
Fuckwittery · 07/05/2013 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KentishWine · 07/05/2013 22:32

fuckwittery thanks for that. I'll have a proper look through in the morning.

OP posts:
Chunderella · 07/05/2013 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brdgrl · 07/05/2013 22:34

kentish, ah, I take it your DH only arrived on the UK after July 2012, then? OK, that means a longer wait for the ILR...

But seriously - you can safely apply for tax credits and so on. We double and triple checked it and there was never any issues at all.

noseymcposey · 07/05/2013 22:35

I think that you should try to have a baby, but please don't underestimate the radical changes that you will have to make for it to be affordable. You cannot just ignore a shortfall of several hundred pounds each month. I wish I had been more realistic about our finances instead of thinking blithely 'we'll make it work'.

DS is now 2 and is wonderful and by far the best thing that could have happened in my life but it has squeezed our finances to such an extent that I have felt sick with worry for the last 2 years about how to pay for things and it has taken it's toll on DP and I. I wish that we had made big changes when we were ttc to leave as cheaply as possible. I would strongly suggest you think about moving out of London and commuting. What do you do for a living?

You can find a way to make it work but I can't urge you strongly enough to find what that way is before you have a baby.

Original poster
KentishWine · 07/05/2013 22:38

There's little chance of DH being deported! I don't know what kind of mischief he'd have to get up to for deportation but it's unlikely. We have to renew his temporary visa in a year-ish. That's it. As long as I'm earning £18k or more there is no issue. Maternity leave will not affect this.

OP posts:
Coristarz · 07/05/2013 22:38

God, after reading some of the comments..my parents should have never had me then!! My Dad's business had just gone bankrupt, they had loads of debt, they lived in a rented 2-bed flat (WITH my grandma).. It took years for my parents to recover financially, and we all lived in that tiny flat until I was 9 (and my little brother 2), when we moved to the house they now own. I had the best childhood ever. You don't need to be loaded to be happy.

I'm 39 and just had my first baby 3 months ago. I'm the happiest I have ever been. Our situation is not perfect but things will get better with time. Childcare costs are insane, especially the first 2 years, but...we'll budget and make things work. Like many many other parents.

I agree with people who say there will never be a perfect moment to have a baby... If you decide to go for it, you will make it work.

Fuckwittery · 07/05/2013 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stepmooster · 07/05/2013 22:38

Hmmm what niche jobs do you and your DH have? I have a niche job in the city and so does DH otherwise we'd be back up norf. You say your DH could get a job as a banker?! Do you both work in zone 1 and manage to walk to work? Sounds pretty priveleged to me.

You want benefits to support you to have your family you've only just (within 1 year) wanted.

We can't afford to live within walking distance of the city. I have to sit my pregnant arse on the central line from zone 6 everyday so we can live in a 2 bed.

Childcare is expensive and so are my taxes. I would much rather not pay for folks like you who wanted to have babies but no change in lifestyle to accomodate them. Or for folks who haven't been planning for years to afford children. God I wish I could have quit my long hours to work for a charity but in my eyes unless your minted, its an either or situation. You makes your bed, you lie in it.

Do what everyone else does and move thy self to a cheaper borough, save your money now, stop spending on clothes/shoes/meals out/music etc, take an evening job and get on with it.

expatinscotland · 07/05/2013 22:40

'If you had witnessed some of the things I had I think you would understand where I was coming from.

The baby is kept in the flat all the time, stuck in front of the tv with an Argos catalogue to play with and a bag of wotsits. Not what anybody wants for a baby.'

But that's not how the OP is.

BimbaBirba · 07/05/2013 22:40

Hi, I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say that if one person is British and the other subject to immigration control you most definitely CAN get Tax Credits. Every benefit has its own rules so
don't assume that If you can't get one you also can't get another. Having said that, I don't known what the position will be under universal credit for mixed immigration status couples.

Original poster
KentishWine · 07/05/2013 22:41

brdgrl yes, DH is under the new rules. The new rules also say that I have to earn £18k a year. In our last ILR we had to tick a lot of boxes saying we had not received public funds including tax credits. I agree that we need to investigate this some more.

OP posts:
Chunderella · 07/05/2013 22:42

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QuintessentialOHara · 07/05/2013 22:42

I am with everlong here.

It is because so many people have the "just do it attitude" that so many children live in poverty in the Uk.

teapartiesinsummer · 07/05/2013 22:42
  1. she was joking with the banker comment
  2. she doesn't want to claim benefits
  3. she isn't spending on clothes and shoes but repaying debts

OP, I am in favour of benefit reform, I'm also fully in favour of helping working people with childcare and with living costs in expensive areas. It isn't like it is permanent, anyway!

I am having a baby in 'interesting' circumstances, not quite the same as yours, but you'll always elicit some raised eyebrows when you plan it. Funnily enough the same people won't dare tell you to have a termination if you forgot to take your Pill.

Good luck.

teapartiesinsummer · 07/05/2013 22:43

I don't think the OP's child will live in poverty.

The OP might. But her child will be put first.

:)

Ashoething · 07/05/2013 22:44

Everlong-i am sorry your ds and partner have turned out to be such feckless parents but i think you are letting personal experience.cloud your judgement in this case.i have 3 dcs who share a room.should i have not had them because they cant have a room each? lol.

BimbaBirba · 07/05/2013 22:45

By the way, you could be eligible for DRO (debt relief order) if you live in rented and owe less than 15k (and other conditions). That would wipe out your debts and free up some cash. Dros work great for credit debts and little assets.

QuintessentialOHara · 07/05/2013 22:45

18k per year is a pretty pathetic salary for London, given the cost of living. When I was fresh out of Uni some 15 years ago, my starting salary was 16k. There was a thread here recently debating whether a 16 k salary was good or not, and it was generally agreed to be pretty shit. You are 36, and state you need an 18 k salary. I really hope your salary will be a lot more than just 18k.

everlong · 07/05/2013 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piratecat · 07/05/2013 22:46

surely you can claim child and working tax credits? It's not like you are not entitled, i am sure, in your own right? well esp the child tax credit.

child ben is £80 a month.

EasilyBored · 07/05/2013 22:47

Plenty of people would suggest having a termination actually. Or at least offer it as an option to be considered.

I'm very very much in favour of a decent welfare state that supports people when they need it. But along with that comes the responsibility of making sure you do your bit to help too. And if that means getting yourself into a better situation before having a baby, then that's what you have to do. The fact that the OP has left it until her late 30's to even consider this is unfortunate, but essentially a problem of her own making. Sorry if that sounds harsh, for what it's worth I think if you look at all your options you might be able to figure it out with juggling work etc, but this is something you have to do first. Look before you leap.

Original poster
KentishWine · 07/05/2013 22:49

stepmooster the banking think was a (crap) joke. DH is not and will never be a banker! We live in a tiny flat about an hour's walk from central London. It certainly is not a privileged area! I don't want your taxes to fund my life. My taxes are also expensive as are DHs.

OP posts:
olgaga · 07/05/2013 22:49

I still think you should clear your debts, save as much as you can then plan your budget.

You don't say how much your debt is, but if you have £500pm spare each month right now you could be paying off your debt a lot more quickly.

Then you can start saving to help with the initial cost of the baby, the cost of moving etc.

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