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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you have an all day wedding you should have food before 9pm?

379 replies

Buffetblues · 05/05/2013 18:17

We've been invited to a wedding in August the invitation said that, despite the ceremony being at 1.30pm, there will be no food until the buffet at about 9pm?

AIBU to think that if you want to cut catering costs on your wedding day, you don't get married so early? It's seems really selfish to me to have an all day wedding with no food but I'd be quite happy if the service had been at say 4pm?

OP posts:
Illustrationaddict · 06/05/2013 16:00

I've heard a pretty horrific story about a wedding who chose to do this, in fact by a hotel we were looking at as wedding option. The wedding planner said it was awful as when the buffet came out, the people at the front of the queue were really piling their plates so high there was nothing left for the people at the end of the queue. As you can imagine people at the end of the queue not best pleased, ended with very threatening FOTB, sobbing bride, very drunk and hungry guests. Hotel said they wouldn't allow that to happen again.

I went to one where they didn't, it was a small wedding & big party in the evening with buffet. We just had to sit round hotel lobby ( as we're too far from home) and ordered snacks & paid ourselves. Wasn't a massive deal.

TheFallenMadonna · 06/05/2013 16:01

Get something to eat on the way to the reception.

If it's an hour's journey, then that's very easily extended.

That's if you want to see them married of course. If you are annoyed enough at their arrangements to no longer want to share in that, then decline their invitiation.

People are weird about weddings on here. Or maybe I'm just unusually compliant...

expatinscotland · 06/05/2013 16:02

'It's not that easy just to say no though as it will mean permanently falling out with them but I am at the point where it's the only option I can see.'

Sure it is! You don't like them because they are tight-fisted pisstakers. You don't want to be there, or give them cash and then pay to eat and drink or eat out of a cool bag with an all-day picnic disguised as a wedding. Who would? What if it tips rain all day? What's to lose? Decline and drift away.

Illustrationaddict · 06/05/2013 16:10

I've just read a few comments about telling couple that you either won't go due to food, or make a statement that you have to leave as you are starving.

I really wouldn't go there. This will probably upset & offend couple who are trying to please everyone, yet I'm guessing on a very limited budget. I would either take a picnic, or order a bar snack. Why be the person to make a big deal of it and possibly spoil the best day of their lives?

Original poster
Buffetblues · 06/05/2013 16:12

expat you have summed it up beautifully and I'm now pretty sure that giving them my money and allowing them to take the piss like this will annoy me more than the loss of their friendship would. It's a real showing of true colours.

OP posts:
StoicButStressed · 06/05/2013 16:18

BB IS it going to be a cash bar? on top of all else

Original poster
Buffetblues · 06/05/2013 16:19

I hear what you are saying illustrated but I fail to see how the bride and groom having the best day of their lives should mean every one else has a shit day. As others have said, I've no idea what we will be doing all afternoon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Buffetblues · 06/05/2013 16:20

Obviously stoic that was a given!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 06/05/2013 16:23

Was anyone's wedding really the best day of their lives? Mine were enjoyable but I never expected them to be the highlight of my life, just a ceremony and party.

StoicButStressed · 06/05/2013 16:31

Oh FFS. ALL of it is just outright piss taking - and a mockery of what a wedding should be too (IMHO).

BB - UBER genuine Q? *Can you please post each 'cost' item and list cost total (IE to YOU - EG Tavel=£xx; 'gift'=£xy.. you get gist...) and please post that break down of costs and then total amount? Truly, please include EVERY single cost - and then the total - and post it here.

And then please don't go to this fucking charade of a mick-take of their mates and donate all or a % of THAT money to the MN'ers on the Wooley (Bereavement) threads who are trying SO hard to make a difference to people with REAL needs.*

Fuck. Am actually angry at this now - it UTTER piss takeAngry

And yep, I AM with those who are saying is this REALLY someone you want to be/remain friends with? As their core values (re ALL - from wedding to guests to piss-take to cash-point seekers whilst guests starve AND buy their own drinks) truly reflect people I would want NOTHING to do with.

And for avoidance of doubt, by that I do NOT mean - the many & genuine people doing their wedding on a budget in these tough times - ANY wedding that may be 'frugal' in ways; or very 'different/unique' as the loving couple seek a way AROUND cash issues to HAVE their special day AND their special friends as part of it. Am referring SOLELY to scenario painted here - am surprised hasn't just asked for your card and PIN number TBHSadAngrySad

Sparklingbrook · 06/05/2013 16:32

Ooh no 2rebecca. Ceremony and meal. Lots of more exciting days afterwards. Grin

StoicButStressed · 06/05/2013 16:38

Grrrr - BOTH caps. & 'bold' fail! Was MEANT to be....

'Can you please post each 'cost' item and list cost total (IE to YOU - EG Tavel=£xx; 'gift'=£xy.. you get gist...) and please post that break down of costs and then total amount? Truly, please include EVERY single cost - and then the total - AND POST IT HERE?

And yes - seemingly as EVER - am in UTTER agreement with Expat.

Illustrationaddict · 06/05/2013 16:48

Up to you if you want to be friends with theses Buffet spoilers, but all I can say is I got married 2 years ago, and wedding breakfast set us back 5k, not to mention 2k for evening buffet. That was without any drinks or canopes. A heck of a lot of money by any standards, and believe you me we did the maths on many venues and this was pretty average. You can begin to see why someone might not be able to afford the cost of the earlier meal.

Tinpin · 06/05/2013 16:52

The most unforgettable wedding I have ever been to was one where the bride and groom decided they could afford either a barn dance (30yrs ago) or food. They chose the barn dance. Many of us had driven over 300 mile to get there. It was a complete disaster. Guests watched in amazement as the bride,groom bridesmaids etc openly wandered around with plates of sandwiches and crisps but there was absolutely nothing for anybody else. Actually I lie, there was a wedding cake which was devoured by the first 20 guests to get to it. Nobody went to the barn dance and within about 2hrs everybody had decided to start the long journey home. We still talk about it today.

Xiaoxiong · 06/05/2013 16:55

Yes but illustration there are plenty of other things they could do.

They could have punch and cake in the church hall, then everyone go to the pub.

They could have an earlier buffet for everyone and not have another load of people arriving later on who will also need food.

They could have a later ceremony so there's less time to wait for the buffet.

They could have a venue within walking distance of the church, or vice versa, so there isn't an hour of travelling between them therefore allowing people time to get food on their own.

And that's without touching the guest list.

Illustrationaddict · 06/05/2013 17:00

Yes you are right, but without actually asking why they haven't done any of the above, is it ok to assume they are doing it to spite their guests? Weddings are very political and soo hard to please everyone!

2rebecca · 06/05/2013 17:03

I agree, I think the 2 tier wedding thing is rather nasty in an "I'd like you to buy me a present and come to my wedding but I don't like you enough to invite you to the actual wedding that is the important bit."
If you can only afford to cater for 40 guests then you only invite 40 guests.
For my weddings the time of the wedding was as important as the venue. I didn't want the faff of organising 2 meals (or to pay for them!) so only looked at venues that could do mid afternoon weddings. Only 1 tier of guests, one good quality meal at 7ish, free bar.

Floggingmolly · 06/05/2013 17:09

So you're to partake of the buffet intended for the evening crowd as well; having sat around for 6/7 hours like gobshites? Shock

Tight gits. If you can't afford to cater for your guests, why invite them in the first place? Do they not get how idiotic it makes them look; inviting people to their wedding and not being prepared to / able to afford to spring for a meal???
Tell me, did they include a gift list? If they had one of those cash request poems there're beyond redemption...

StatisticallyChallenged · 06/05/2013 17:13

I can't see anyone who would be offended by the ceremony being held later compared to this plan. Whilst I agree it is hard to please everyone (we had our full quota of demanding and warring family members) and weddings are bloody expensive this just is not a good solution for anyone. If they'd had a smaller wedding then some people might have been upset at not being invited. But this way, everyone who they invite is going to be pissed off - so more people than would have been with a smaller do.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 06/05/2013 17:16

My brother got married on Friday, think they got it pretty right - ceremony at 1, very quick photo session whilst food was prepared but in the meantime guests could help themselves to drinks / snacks in the kitchen of the place they hired if they wished ( barn at thw bottom of mount snowdon ) then pretty rustic buffet ( I was in cheese heaven )

All tables were laden with drinks even tho it was bring your own drinks as no license.

Hog roast was served at 9. We were stuffed and relaxed all day, weddings should be an enjoyable day, not an endurance test !

TheFallenMadonna · 06/05/2013 17:21

Nobody has to hang around starving. You could get something to eat on the way to the reception.

All this stuff about core values is daft.

Some people go a bit crazy when they are planning a wedding. I have friends I've watched with increasing incredulity as they make daft decisions, usually because they are running around in circles trying to accomodate everyone who has an opinion on how their wedding should be (and there are often a fair few of those).

Chances are, if they are lovely enough to be friends before, then they will be lovely again afterwards, and ditching them over a badly timed buffet is not sensible.

outtolunchagain · 06/05/2013 17:23

I remember going to a wedding with these timings , everyone was completely trollied by 6pm even the most straight laced . Champagne and very empty stomachs is not s good mixture Shock

Xiaoxiong · 06/05/2013 17:24

2rebecca I entirely agree and will never understand the day/evening guest thing. I know it's UK culture and know no offence is meant, but there is no way not to be construed as a B-list guest if you're only invited to the evening, particularly if you show up and the speeches are still going on and you sit around like a lemon until they deign to let you in.

expatinscotland · 06/05/2013 17:24

'but all I can say is I got married 2 years ago, and wedding breakfast set us back 5k, not to mention 2k for evening buffet. That was without any drinks or canopes. A heck of a lot of money by any standards, and believe you me we did the maths on many venues and this was pretty average. You can begin to see why someone might not be able to afford the cost of the earlier meal.'

Then you have a smaller wedding or go for a potluck in a church or village hall. Or piss off your guests.

expatinscotland · 06/05/2013 17:31

2Rebecca I agree. I've been to loads of weddings in N. America, most of them Latina but many from all sorts of backgrounds and religions. Never heard of this 2-tier/evening do stuff until I came to the UK.

I've been to plenty of alcohol-free weddings, Christian and Muslim, and even potluck wedding receptions where the reception was held in a barn or similar type venue and you bring plates of food to share and the couple lay on a few kegs and limited wine/spirits and you're invited to bring the booze of your choice as well, BBQs, knees up in bars, restaurant function room, etc. Or alcohol-free Christian weddings where you went to the wedding, then reception after in the church hall with buffet and cake and juices to drink.

Still never heard of this 'evening do' thingy.

Latinas tend to marry later in the afternoon, 4 or 5PM, and then everyone invited goes to the reception immediately after.

It's supposed to be a party to celebrate with guests and share.

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