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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancé double booking me

116 replies

Missy44 · 04/05/2013 22:40

AIBU? I've been working really hard lately so planned to spend some quality time with my man this weekend. We decided we'd go out tonight, we didn't put firm plans as to where or what time but we'd been talking all week about it.

Yesterday, his friend (a new father) text to invite fiancé out to wet his baby's head. My fiancé asked me if I wanted to go too and I agreed, so he set about texting his friend to 'ask' if I can go out.

Said friend replied this afternoon. He said no, our new mother friend is breast feeding and couldn't join us and she's only happy with the guys going out tonight.

So, fiancé has now left me at home while he's gone out. None of my friends were available at such short notice and I'm feeling bored and pee'd off. I don't understand why fiancé has to gain permission for me to go out, I am also annoyed that I've been left without plans when I was fancying a long overdue night out and feeling let down because this isn't the first time I've been in this kind of situation. I'm quietly stewing but please share your opinions to let me know if I'm over reacting or perfectly reasonable. Thanks

OP posts:
ivanapoo · 05/05/2013 09:55

What combinebananafister said.

Honestly I think lad's night out masquerading as wetting the baby's head is for dicks. I wouldn't want to have a baby with someone who wanted to do this. If you're going to the pub, I'm the one who just shat a watermelon so I'm bloody well coming too!

But that's by the by.

OP you're getting a hard time here. You fiancé WBU. He should have gone for a quick drink with them or arranged to see his mate another time and spent the majority of the night with you AS PLANNED, unless he asked you if you were ok with him going and you said yes but actually weren't happy with that, in which case YA actually BU.

AuntieStella · 05/05/2013 10:04

DP is I think in the wrong here. He consulted you about seeing this friend as a couple - so far so good. Friend changes terms of invitation. DP should have consulted you again at this point.

Dahlen · 05/05/2013 10:08

YANBU OP. There's absolutely nothing wrong with your DP having a boys' own night out without you, but you did have plans tonight and he's reneged on them at a time when you've been working really hard and looking forward to this night all week. You may not have finalised the where but the when was established in principle and he's let you down at the last minute. I would be annoyed too.

Sallystyle · 05/05/2013 10:11

He's BU

IMO if you make plans with someone you stick with them unless something important comes up, and wetting the baby's head in such short notice isn't that important, they can do that another time. You may not have had firm plans but you were both expecting to go out so he's being unreasonable.

BornInACrossFireHurricane · 05/05/2013 10:20

Personally, I think the 'proud new father' should be at home supporting his partner and looking after his new baby, instead of having a 'boy's night out'.

McNewPants2013 · 05/05/2013 10:33

I know this sounds controlling but no way would DH be going out a month after i have given birth and at home struggling with a newborn baby.

In fact if he did he would be on the sofa as i tend to bring the baby to bed for feeding and to go to sleep.

your DP shouldnt have broken the arrange night out with you.

scottishmummy · 05/05/2013 10:33

it's parenthood not internment if one wants to go out,good for them

scottishmummy · 05/05/2013 10:37

you tell your dh to sleep on sofa so you can feed in bed?and he does it
what a mug

McNewPants2013 · 05/05/2013 10:42

do you think its a good idea to have a drunken person in the bed the same time as co-sleeping.

quoteunquote · 05/05/2013 10:47

Find a better standard of man to spend your life with,

he hangs out with limited odd people,

I can't imagine dictating who can or cannot go on evening out, when I'm not going,why would you care, that is weird, it's even weirder that two people agreed to entertain that silly demand,

so either the blokes made it up, because they don't want you there, which is more than a bit sad, or they went along with someone paranoia, either way, they are men of limited ability,

so run, find a real man (there are lots of decent ones out there that are not twonks), one who isn't gender bias, because a life time of it will be really shit.

simplesusan · 05/05/2013 10:49

Here's my 2 pennth.

You had planned to go out with dp. His mate suddenly suggests a night out. Ideally your dp should have gone for an hour with his mate and then arranged to meet you.

I don't think it's the new mum being funny, I think her h didn't want you there or any other partners as he saw it as a men only piss up.
He didn't have the guts to tell his mate this, so text that his wife has said no to partners going.

Your dp should stick to his arrangements or at the very least, alter them only slightly so that you are not left out.

When we got married my dh bestman (his brother) insisted on bringing his then new wife for the pre drinks, getting ready/dressed arrangements with dh. Dh didn't like it and told his brother so. She still came! Can you imagine a husband being present at the brides house whilst her bridesmaid is helping her get dressed, having a glass of champers etc totally odd and pissed my dh off. They are now divorced btw , due to him not wanting her out of his sight.

scottishmummy · 05/05/2013 10:50

is your dh incapable of going out without returning home drunk?
oh dear,is that why he's banished to sofa
not all men return home bladdered.just yours

Loa · 05/05/2013 10:56

because this isn't the first time I've been in this kind of situation.

Year I spent years putting up with that from my DP - now DH. It actually upsets me less once DC came along.

He is a great DH and father - but god I wish I could build a time machine and go back and slap myself so i don't put up with it.

It made me feel second best and I think it lead DH to think it was o.k way to behave.

I can only suggest you talk to you guy and make sure he knows ditching you and plans at last minute for any reason - and I've heard some good ones - isn't on.

McNewPants2013 · 05/05/2013 10:57

he doesnt go out, he is a gamer so his evenings are normally attached to the headset. He very rarely drinks.

perhaps I just presummed a group of males going out to wet the baby head, where each of them will buy him a drink he will be coming home drunk.

travailtotravel · 05/05/2013 11:06

YANBU - call him on it. I have let my DH get away with a lot and wish I hadn't!

IsItMeOr · 05/05/2013 11:16

YANBU to call your DP on this. It's making you feel like second best if he's doing this regularly. If you don't want to be treated like second best, don't put up with it. But bear in mind that this may mean ending the relationship.

badguider · 05/05/2013 11:16

My DH went out with his best mate to 'wet the baby's head' - it wasn't a piss-up, it was a pretty sedate chance for a few blokes (4-5) to talk through what being a new father meant to them and their hopes and fears for their new role (all first babies). Even though I have lots of male friends and often go out with men due to the sport I do, I can see that a woman in that environment would really have curtailed the freedom of the guys to chat, just like a man changes the post-partum conversations of new mothers.
A couple of the partners of the blokes who know the mother well went to visit the mother and baby that same night which was nice for us too.

I imagine my DH will do the same, sometime during his two week paternity leave with our first (due soon), when we are both comfortable with it, but it certainly doesn't mean he'll be coming home drunk and it's not a 'party' for everybody and their new girlfriend, it's a quite night with his very best friends.

I don't often do single-sex gatherings but I think that sometimes they can have a role to play.

scottishmummy · 05/05/2013 11:24

quite simply I don't seek permission to go out,nor do I give it
adults in a relationship should discuss activities,not curtail or set restrictions
if op at loose end with no plans up to her to sort it.not complain because her dp going out

Loa · 05/05/2013 11:32

I think she is complaining as she had plans to go out with her Fiancé. Where they were going and when was still vague but the actually going out together part was firm and decided.

Then Fiancé got a better offer and went.

This has happened before. Usually OP sucks it up and make alternative plans but can't because she was dropped so late.

I don't see that as curtail or setting restrictions.

I put up with my DH doing this for years as I didn't want to stop him having fun. I ended up feeling my company is second best - not good way to feel about yourself.

notsoyoniface · 05/05/2013 11:43

I'm not sure why the op has had such a pasting. The way I see it is:

Op and fiance made loose plans, fiance got another offer, fiance ditched op under the guise that the baby's mother didn't want women there.

OP ywnbu to be pissed off. Can you and your fiance do anything today?

Chandelierforagirl · 05/05/2013 11:47

I think this is about communication. There are some assumptions on your part and on his that don't match up, so you approached that evening with different expectations. Can be easily rectified OP.

BruthasTortoise · 05/05/2013 11:47

scottishmummy the OP did have plans, she had planned to go out with her DP, he ditched are at the last minute. How can you think that's acceptable?

badguider · 05/05/2013 11:48

It's hard to say if OP is being unreasonable, depends on the fiance and how normal this is.
If his other offer had been watching footie or a normal pint with a friend that would be out of order, but some of us have mentioned that the 'wetting the babies head' drink, if it's a very good friend, is something we'd be happy to be trumped by because it's a unique moment. I would dump vague plans with my DH in a hearbeat if a very good friend gave birth and asked me over for the first visit and he'd totally understand.

scottishmummy · 05/05/2013 12:12

I'm astonished an adult woman is at such loose end without a man
plans changed,so what.should be able to fill evening without stewing as she put it

BruthasTortoise · 05/05/2013 12:15

Really? If on one of our very rare nights out my DH decided to ditch me in favour of his mates at the last minute, I would probably be hard pushed to find anyone else available at such short notice. People have to organise babysitters etc. I would be pissed off.