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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Submariners WAGS

37 replies

Gossipmonster · 03/05/2013 00:26

I have posted in "Forces Sweethearts" about this but you get about one reply a week.

Is there anyone here right now who has an OH on patrol in a submarine and understands how SHIT it is?

I know no one (WAG wise) and on top of missing him and any contact so massively am lost as to how continually explain to friends, family, colleagues that NO I HAVEN'T FUCKING HEARD FOM HIM!!! (For those not in the know you hear nothing).

It just adds insult to injury tbh.

Anyone?

OP posts:
MoelFammau · 03/05/2013 02:51

Sorry no. But it sounds bloody tough and you have my sympathy. And a bunch of Flowers.

Gigondas · 03/05/2013 03:00

That sounds bloody hard ESP having to deal with the constant queries.

FesterAddams · 03/05/2013 03:12

YANBU in expecting friends and family to bear in mind that you won't have heard from him, and not to rub it in with crass comments.

HollyBerryBush · 03/05/2013 06:34

Do his base not havea support network?

FarBetterNow · 03/05/2013 07:00

How long are they out of contact for?

Sixty years ago I suppose it was like that for everyone who was away in the forces, but that's not very helpful to you.

Best wishes to you.

Goldendandelion · 03/05/2013 07:12

My dh is not away at the moment, but yes I know what you mean and how you feel. It is shit and hopefully not something I'll ever have to go through again.

Nelly000 · 03/05/2013 07:30

Rear Party

cozietoesie · 03/05/2013 07:53

One of my friends was married to a submariner and the long indeterminate absences put more strain on the relationship than it could bear. It really is a matter of 'Bye Darling, I'll see you whenever....' and that's about it.

I couldn't cope with it so you have my sympathy, OP.

NettoSuperstar · 03/05/2013 07:56

I don't have personal experience but I live in a navy town so know people who do.
Where are you OP?

Tee2072 · 03/05/2013 08:04

That sounds like total shit.

Are there no support groups on his base or anything? I have no idea how these things work.

cozietoesie · 03/05/2013 08:21

When my friend was married to a submariner, it tended to be 'officer's wives' who were the support network. Maybe things have improved a little/lot since then. It's a difficult one because there's not really much you can do - you can't see them or speak to them (well not on the nuclear subs which was where her husband worked) and that's pretty well that - so all the rest is just fine words and soothing noises.

Original poster
Gossipmonster · 03/05/2013 08:31

I am not "on patch" (married quarters) and don't live anywhere near his base.

You can phone up the other crew (helpful) but no it is woeful really unless you want to go and be an officers wife and go to coffee mornings etc (they are "on patch" 600 miles away :).

Thank you :)

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 03/05/2013 08:37

It's undeniably rough Gossipmonster. Come here and post/read when you get fed up.

notyummy · 03/05/2013 08:38

My ex husband was a submariner. It's hard work. I think you need to be hugely independent and build a life without him but be prepared to adapt when he is back. Depends on length of patrols and what kind if boat he is on as well. We didn't have kids so I didn't have that pressure and yes we got divorced, but his job was only a small element of that.

Original poster
Gossipmonster · 03/05/2013 08:40

I think maybe part of my problem is that I have stayed very independent and kept away from Navy life as my career/kids and life are all here where I live. I live a civilian life.

The down side of that is the civilians Grin.

OP posts:
notyummy · 03/05/2013 10:06

Oh and my current DH is also military (different service) and will be deploying in a few weeks for 6 months away. We will have more contact than if he was on a boat, but the risks to him are significantly more. I am not sure what is worst tbh! I was in the military for 7 years myself so understand why things are necessary, but it is still tough.

Original poster
Gossipmonster · 03/05/2013 11:47

I know I lucky that he is fairly safe although I don't know where he is so he could be anywhere and not safe!!

The military don't give a shit about families and I find that hard.

OP posts:
Scrabbleyurt · 03/05/2013 12:29

I'm a Navy wife, although my husband is in ships.

Have you tried getting in touch with Families & Friends of Deployed Units (FAFDU)? I've pasted a bit of info below but it might help you meet some people in the same situation.

It is hard, I feel for you.

FAFDU run free/low cost social events around the country for the wives, partners, parents and children of personnel serving away from home. The events are a great opportunity to meet up and have fun with people in a similar situation to you. For upcoming events contact your nearest branch: North: 07753 577 731, East: 02392 524 511, West: 01752 406 680.

notyummy · 03/05/2013 13:02

I think they try to look after families OP but it is really hard to look after ones that are in no way affiliated with a military unit and are spread geographically (ie have chosen to live off the patch.) I don't live on a patch either so have nothing in the way of support, although there is usually stuff offered to everyone via their partner and often the partner does not keep their other half informed of what is out there! Having been involved in welfare stuff in the miltary, we were often contacted by wives having problems, and would try a d help and whenever we said 'Did your husband not inform you of all the organisations there to help/numbers to ring?' There would always be a blank look....

Original poster
Gossipmonster · 04/05/2013 19:46

Thank you for all the links and thoughts I will give some of them a go :) Thanks

OP posts:
magimedi · 04/05/2013 19:53

Tough for you Gossip - didn't want to 'read and run'.

Wine
zeno · 04/05/2013 20:44

I feel for you OP. Sometimes people just don't listen well enough to what you're saying to actually comprehend it. Very frustrating, and not helpful to you at all.

Original poster
Gossipmonster · 04/05/2013 20:48

Yes zeno

The other favourites are "oh it'll fly by" "he'll be home before you know it" Hmm.

I am spending bank holiday weekend alone as my DC are with their dad and friend I had plans with has family unexpectedly.

OP posts:
carbalanche · 04/05/2013 21:05

What an amazing thing to volunteer to put up with! I really don't understand how these things work - is it a short-term thing ie. a year or two or could it go on for longer? I think it must be harder for the one left behind as at least the submariner gets the amazing cameraderie that builds up over a patrol. No communication must be very hard.I imagine that some submariners have kids too. I guess the problem of people not entirely understanding your situation is exacerbated by the fact that you are not living in community of fellow WAGS who know how these things work but it sounds like you don't want to be either. Sympathies to you it must be very frustrating on many levels!

Original poster
Gossipmonster · 04/05/2013 21:25

The boat he's on ATM he goes away for 3 months every year and a month index. When he's not at sea he lives on base 500 miles away.

OP posts: